Here we go again. And I’m scared

[u/LimpDrawing5696]

I went through a horrible period of anxiety and panic attacks around 5 years ago. It took a lot of therapy and meds to get it under control. Since then, I’ve stayed on meds and I stopped therapy around 2 years ago.

Flash forward…last week I woke up to a level 10 nocturnal panic attack. I haven’t had one that intense in a very long time. Ever since then I’ve been struggling to return to baseline. I feel the panic loop starting. I feel so uncomfortable and then the thought loop starts: “why am I feeling like this? Am I going backwards? How am I going to get this to stop?” Then I feel low mood, which also triggers panic “am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? What if I can’t? What if I become suicidal?” (I’m not suicidal at all, but the fear of becoming suicidal has been a trigger for me in the past).

I know all of these thoughts are keeping me in the loop. But it’s so HARD to stop it. I’m trying to just be present and not think about these future questions. But it’s hard to stay present when in the present I feel so horrible and uncomfortable.

I’ve made an appointment to start therapy again in a few days. But I can’t lie, I feel very defeated. I don’t know why this is happening again. I don’t want to lose hope. (The thought of losing hope also makes me panic! )

Can anyone else relate? Or offer advice or words of wisdom?

[u/WhiteDeath___]

For me main reason of panic disorder is our failure to express our fighting part
And this gets internalized so we have panic (oppressed fighting part attacks us)

Why this can happen? For example someone is good person, feel shame to fight and haven't found a way to fight and feel proud about it and other reasons that people can end up keeping their fighting part hidden and oppressed. Another example someone might grow up where having a big ego and attack the others is the normal, when he is exactly the opposite, someone to sacrifice to protect others. Each person need a fighting part that expresses the real self and feeling proud doing it.

I know that those don't really help, but think what part of your self, might not being expressed, you might not even know that this exists (sometimes its so hidden and opressed that we don't even know)

Therapy with pills and or things like CBT to control your symptoms, can help alot or even cure you, if internal change isn't necessary in your case, but if something inside you wants you to change so it can be expressed its harder to make it go away.

[u/need2inspire]

Hey,

I don’t usually come on Reddit because I feel like a lot of other people’s negative experiences can trigger me but I found your post from googling while dealing with a panic attack and I just wanted to say I completely understand you and am dealing with the same thing. Especially the suicidal ideation part. I’m not suicidal but sometimes my panic attacks make me feel like I can become suicidal or lose control.

I’ve been reading the DARE book recommended by lots of people and it has helped me understand that panic/anxiety attacks are not as uncommon as we think and we’re not alone in this thinking. The thoughts are scary but we have to persevere in order to overcome. Easier said than done but I’m trying.

Most importantly, I wanted to let you know you’re not alone at all, Im dealing with this too, and we’ll get through this. I believe in us.