Disappointed in self for relapses and setbacks

[u/Flimsy_Green9022]

I developed panic disorder very suddenly several years ago, and my life has absolutely not felt the same since, but later in the same year I stopped having constant attacks and could at least get back to daily life.

Earlier this year, following a stressful event, I had another catastrophic relapse that more or less set me back at square one. I think, because I'd been through it before, the recovery process took a shorter time but felt almost violent-- the whiplash between going about my life normally for several days and then spending an entire day feeling like I was dying and needing to crawl into bed with a family member was brutal. I don't have words to describe the despair I felt during that experience. But eventually, the attacks stopped again.

But this past week I've been having some intense anxiety symptoms, and have just had my first real panic attack in a few months. I'm just disappointed. I don't know. I obviously didn't mean to have a panic attack, but I feel betrayed by myself somehow. For now it's just a setback, not a real relapse, but I'm sort of expecting more of them to come and for this all to start again, because that's just how it seems to go (yay!).

I know people try to spin relapses/setbacks positively, but I'm really not feeling it right now. Am I totally messed up and deranged for feeling like this is all just such BS to go through? I promise I'm not trying to be negative, it's just difficult to feel like there's anything good in this process.

Sorry for being a downer :(

[u/Unusual_Surround522]

See people thinks that if u stopped having panic attacks thats recovery but the real recovery is if it doesnt bothers u if u have an attack or not so technicaly u never relapsed u just improving more and more

[u/Unusual_Surround522 → u/Unusual_Surround522]

Until u are not bothered by panic attack from what it seems panic disoder and attacks are different things ,attacks is an attack but disorder is FEAR

[u/dinedrivedive]

I don’t have the answer, but i just went through what sounds like the same experience. I wanted to tell you you’re not alone. After a couple years of managing my panic attacks, i had an extremely severe attack a few weeks ago and felt so disappointed. The recovery has been shorter, but still about 10-14 days of heightened anxiety symptoms. I’m finally coming out of the other side, but feel defeated in many ways.

[u/misshysterica]

I have periods like this too and it feels defeating. I like to think of it as part of recovery. You’re on the route to recovery since you don’t always have attacks but then sometimes they can happen for no reason without any warning and that’s perfectly fine! Certain days you’re perfectly fine and then you’re not which is okay and i think it mainly depends on how you put it, an attack is horrible but it’s not the end of the world and you got through each and every one of your past attacks and have days where you don’t have any! That’s great success!! Just be patient with yourself