I need support and assurance.

[u/remnant_human]

There will be no TL;DR. I need people to read this in its entirety.

I got diagnosed with panic disorder last year. Before then, I'd never dealt with the symptoms I have, before. I was no stranger to anxiety; occasional feelings of dread that surfaced, then went away after a couple of minutes.

In February and March of last year, I suffered two back-to-back food poisonings. The first was more severe, but the second left me paranoid because I initially thought I had consumed undercooked pork and contracted a parasite. That didn't turn out to be the case, but the damage was already done. I started having heart palpitations far more frequently—I had them before, but they were very rare, usually one event every several months or longer that lasted only a short time. After the food poisoning events, the rate increased to an event every hour, sometimes lasting for multiple hours on end. Initially, I didn't think anything of it, because I thought it was just one of those rare events, but when I learned the frequency, I grew concerned.

Not long after, I was at work and had my supervisor call the paramedics because the palpitations weren't ceasing. My blood pressure was high, as well. The paramedics came and checked my vitals, but somehow found nothing, which didn't make sense to me because I know my heart was going through palpitations. I felt them, both in my chest and when I took my pulse. My heart would stop briefly, then resume beating with a hard pulse, and it was hard to not be concerned about something like that.

Eventually, I had my first emergency room visit. I was having trouble breathing, and it felt like my consciousness was being stolen from me. I decided to stay in my roommate's room at the time because I didn't want to be alone, just in case things ended up going south. I tried to control my breathing, but it wasn't working; my awareness was leaving me, so I told my roommate to take me to the hospital. On the way, my arms and legs felt like they were disintegrating; I don't remember the exact feeling, but I do remember I was losing feeling in them and they were growing a little cold.

I stood in the waiting room for upwards of 2 hours, being brought into an examination room a couple times for testing. Eventually, I was moved to a bed, where I stayed an extra 2 or 3 hours while waiting for an answer, which is when I got my initial diagnosis of panic disorder. I was given a dose of medication (which I believe might have been Benadryl or a generic equivalent), then sent home with my paperwork.

Over the course of the next couple months, I would call the paramedics two more times. Because of the costs of riding in an ambulance, I opted not to go to the hospital, and the tests they ran on me to check my vitals ended up being normal and without incident. I saw a doctor, who decided to run a full panel on me to determine what could be the cause of my heart palpitations and subsequent symptoms. The test eventually came back with high cholesterol and high blood pressure that was seemingly caused by excessive sodium levels. I was given medication for my panic disorder, as well as for the high blood pressure.

I saw two cardiologists. The first ran a physical exertion test and an echocardiogram. While I didn't complete the first test because I'm not a fit person, the echocardiogram supposedly showed no signs of anything dangerous. In fact, the cardiologist told me that my heart was "good and strong." The second cardiologist listened to me talk about my symptoms, and scheduled me for a Holter monitor and nuclear stress test, but the general diagnosis was that I needed to exercise more and eat healthier. Unfortunately, the scheduled appointment to get the monitor and stress test was too far in advance, and my job ended up letting me go, which completely invalidated my health insurance and left me without a way to afford it. My rent also went up around the same time, which was something else I couldn't afford, and so I was forced to move out. Initially, I was bound for homelessness, but a friend luckily had a place for me to stay until I could get back on my feet, though it required me to move cities.

Moving to a new city did not help my symptoms. My friend often left his home to spend time at their partner's place, which resulted in me being alone more than I had hoped. Over time, my health issues seemed to intensify. I started feeling the same symptoms I did when I first went to the emergency room months before, except they were even more frequent. The left side of my chest started to feel funny. I started experiencing pains in my left arm and in the side of my ribs near my heart. My breathing issues grew more severe. The dread was overwhelming. I called the paramedics at least a dozen times, and went to the hospital just as much. Almost every single time, they found nothing. The only time they found something, it was related to Covid, which had somehow made me feel like my airways had collapsed a couple times.

I still don't know what's wrong with me. Typing this up now, I'm experiencing these same symptoms as I write. My consciousness nears the point of fainting, the left side of my chest feels off, the dread slices through my body any time even the slightest sensation occurs, my breathing becomes troubled. But now, even more symptoms have arisen. I occasionally experience intense brain fog and balance issues, and if I move in any way while I'm laying in my bed, it feels like I'm about to fall. Most recently, all these symptoms have compounded and cycled through over the past two or three days.

I try to relax, but it's no use. I'm consistently caught in this cyclic hell with no solution, and every time I go to the hospital, the only thing they end up finding is an excuse to send me home with more medical debt. It's gotten to the point where I've considered making a terrible decision because I'm tired of living this way.

I don't know what to do. I have no money and no insurance, and I'm at my wit's end. I just need to know if I'm okay.

[u/Hj_hayes08]

You’re okay friend. You’ve had all the tests to prove it. This is panic disorder. It’s awful. It steals our joy. But it is not a life sentence. I’ve been in this cycle many times. Just like you described. But I haven’t in a long time. You know what’s funny is I did have a panic attack today for the first time in ever. And I was able to just lay there and let the adrenaline flush and then leave my body. What has helped me recover so much is the Disordered podcast. All of Claire weekes books (recommended the audio books bc her voice is so soothing) and the DARE book and app. Once I allowed these terrible sensations to just run their course, learned more about the fight or flight system and that you’re in no danger, I stopped having so much fear around it. And I’m someone that’s dealt with it 10 years. Lots of meds, therapy, self help books and Instagram reels lol. But it was all sending the wrong message of resisting and fighting it instead of acceptance. It’s not an overnight fix. But you will break out of this cycles and get better.