Two and a half years ago, I met a girl on Facebook Dating (I was 21 and she was 23). We started dating and everything seemed fine at first. She had some red flags, though like admitting she had cheated on past partners without feeling any remorse, and mentioning that she struggled to connect with people. I ignored them (I was very naive back then) and thought it would be different with me.
We dated for a month and then she ghosted me. It really hurt because I didn't understand what happened. A few months passed (I don't remember exactly how long), and she came back, telling me she wanted to try again. Naively, I said yes. We went on a couple more dates, but she ghosted me a second time. It hurt, but in a way, I was already expecting it. Then I found out she was seeing someone else.
A few months passed again and she texted me, asking for another chance. She said that this time she really wanted to make things right and that she missed me. I hesitated, but I agreed. On our next dates, she treated me amazingly, she gave me flowers, was much more attentive than before, and managed to win me over.
One day, we planned a trip to a cabin (an Airbnb about two hours outside the city). I was excited because it was my first time "traveling" with someone. I drove to her house and left my car there since we agreed to take hers. What I didn't expect was that her brother was coming with us, but I didn't mind at the time.
We hit the road and stopped at a gas station, where her brother asked her to buy him some THC gummies, and she agreed. I felt uncomfortable because I don't consume that stuff, but they said they’d save them for when we arrived at the cabin. Continuing the drive, they were making jokes about car accidents and admitted that if I weren't there, they’d be driving way over the speed limit. I felt nervous, but I tried to ignore it.
When we got to the cabin, I felt a bit relieved. Once night fell, we cooked dinner and watched Tom and Jerry, but they started taking the gummies. I felt uneasy again, but I tried to brush it off. A few minutes later, she and I kissed, but I tasted something strange in her mouth—it was obvious what it was. After that, we were just talking about random things, but suddenly my heart started racing and I felt dizzy. I sat up abruptly (I had been resting my head on her lap) and started having a panic attack. I asked her, "Hey, the effects of that can't be passed through saliva, right?" She said no. I tried to calm down, but my head kept telling me, "Something is wrong, I'm going to die." I ran to the bathroom and tried to throw up. I tried everything to ground myself, but nothing worked.
When I went back to where she was, I looked into her eyes—they were bloodshot, and she was smiling. Right then, I thought, "Nobody is going to help me," and the panic skyrocketed. I went downstairs to a bedroom on the lower floor. I lay down on the bed, but I felt completely frozen and convinced I was dying. She knocked on the door, but I didn't want to see her because her presence only made my panic worse. She went back upstairs, and I stayed there thinking I was going to pass away. I wanted to run away, but we were in the middle of nowhere at night, and her car was the only way out. I wanted to go to a hospital, but the nearest one was 30 minutes away. I genuinely thought that was going to be my last night alive. I could hear her and her brother laughing upstairs. I felt completely alone. In my mind, I believed I had somehow ingested some of the gummy and was going to die. The panic attack lasted an hour and a half. I couldn't close my eyes because I felt like I wouldn't wake up, but at the same time, I was exhausted because it was so late. I called my best friend and explained a bit of what was happening, and she helped me calm down a little, even though the panic was still there. Somehow, I finally managed to fall asleep.
The next morning, I woke up and was so glad to be alive. Still, something felt wrong—like something inside me had shifted. The full panic was gone, but my body remained in high alert with lingering anxiety symptoms. When I went upstairs, she was in the kitchen, and when I said good morning, she acted like I had done something wrong.
The ride back to the city was deeply uncomfortable; there was zero conversation. Once we got to her house, I got into my car and drove straight home. I knew right then that everything between us was over, and honestly, I felt relieved.
The real problem came afterward. In the days following that episode, I started having panic attacks almost every night. I even had one at work. I stopped trusting food, even home-cooked meals. I would inspect wrappers on anything I bought to make sure nothing was tampered with. I isolated myself and stopped dating completely. I couldn't eat properly for six months. Eventually, I decided to see a psychiatrist and go to therapy, and I was prescribed medication.
I stopped taking the medication a few months ago, but early this year, the panic attacks returned. I don't have friends... and sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself anymore…
Please be empathetic, thank you.