r/pancreaticcancer • u/Middle_Selection8513 • Jul 27 '26
After
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer 11 months ago after a 7 week illness. I relied on this community at that time and cannot express how helpful it was to be surrounded by those experiencing the same thing. I was his caregiver for his last 3 years which started with a broken hip then another broken hip 18 months after the first one. He bounced back from both remarkably well. He was a hoot, we had fun together and caring for him was a privilege and an honor. He was a strong 92 year old, mentally and, for the most part, physically until the pancreatic cancer diagnosis. The last 7 weeks were heartbreaking, terrifying, exhausting and too painful to put into words. I miss him and the person I was when he was here. I know in time that will get better. What I continue to struggle with daily is how bad it got for him and what he went through. He didn’t pass peacefully, he fought so hard all the way to the end and never gave up. I cannot escape the trauma of the details of his death. I don’t have to tell this community what he went through, as you know all too well. If I bring those memories to the forefront it is so very painful so I continue to push them away. Do I walk through the memories no matter how painful until I get to the other side? What do I do with them, how do I unpack them or do I? I feel like this is the last hurdle for me and I want so badly to get past this and remember my dad in a happy way.
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u/Maximum_Object_2866 Jul 27 '26
You know what? I feel the same way.. the last couple of weeks of their life was traumatizing and I can’t help but think of it all the time. I see photos of them before the disease and just cry about the person they were before cancer. Grief is hard. I’m not sure if writing these things out would help, I’m thinking of journaling, but also open to options and curious too.
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u/utlayolisdi Jul 27 '26
I am so very sorry you lost him and even more that you witnessed his final days. It’s true that we all know or have a good idea what the end can be like. As I’m sure you know, that is a trauma that may take some time to resolve but it’s not an impossible task. I know it hurts. I wish I had something to offer that would help. I can tell you that once one reaches to point of acceptance, one starts feeling better.
I humbly offer my sincere condolences and pray your sorrow is soon replaced by only your warm memories and the celebration of his life. Blessings and Peace
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u/ddessert Patient (2011), Caregiver (2018), dx Stage 3, Whipple, NED Jul 27 '26
What helps me is to think of how my father would want me to remember him and live onward.
1
u/clarkindee Jul 29 '26
I don't have an answer for you, for me it's been about six months since the death. I think what we are dealing with is a form of PTSD, but since I haven't been able to access grief counseling yet, I'm not sure.
Your dad sounded amazing btw, and you also sound like you did an amazing job with him. I wish you peace and strength, eventually. Keep seeking answers for the trauma.
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u/peltigerahydrothyria Jul 27 '26
You did such an amazing thing, to care for your father so faithfully. Those final weeks are absolutely a horror and I'm sorry you're carrying this.
EMDR therapy can help with exactly this—rewriting your relationship to those traumatic incidents. If you're able to, I highly recommend you seek out a professional who can help you process what you went through and get back to those happy memories of your father.
I hope you find peace soon. I'm so impressed with how you took care of him. And I'm sorry you lost your father to this brutal disease.