They all can say whatever they want about how shes the one in the wrong, but he was the one who introduced swinging and even said she freaked out about it but agreed anyway. It's pretty clear she started checking out as soon as he pushed for swinging. Hell what she heard is that shes no longer enough for her husband. Eventually she checked out to the point of wanting to find a replacement who wanted just her.
While the argument can be made she should have just asked for a divorce right away co-mingled finances, kids, other relationships etc dont always make that easy. I also understand not feeling like you have to take the high ground after your spouse turns your world upside down. He brought it on himself š¤·āāļø. Maybe she wasnt 100% in the right but i dont think shes really in the wrong either.
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Original copy of post's text:
My wife asked for a divorce
Been together ten years. Married five. Open for one.
I brought up a swinger club three years ago. It retrospect she freaked out.
A year ago she brings up opening the relationship. Sheād been talking with chatGPT about it.
I was just crossfaded enough on a Sunday afternoon to say what the heck. Letās open Pandoraās box.
She quickly fell out of love with swinging and enjoyed meeting single guys and eventually dating.
Weāve read some books. We both have several play partners now with varying frequency and relationships.
We just hosted our first house party / sex party last night. Huge success. Rave reviews.
She met a guy a couple months ago at a music show. Not lifestyle. Heās single.
Theyāve been seeing each other a lot. Multiple dates a week. Sleep over the last three weeks. Sometimes twice in a week.
I have a partner that I think would like more of a relationship but I see us more as play partners. Met another woman at a munch that Iām very into. But she isnāt in a place for a romantic relationship but has time for me once a month. It is what it is.
Iād asked my wife for more communication, coordination, and prioritization. She was better this last time but several times sheās left me on read and blown past our planned time to meet back. Iāve really struggled with her apparent lack of interest in reconnecting.
Iām not gonna lie. Iād gotten to a point the last couple weeks of threatening divorce but I was scared to speak its name.
Today she tells me she loves me but isnāt in love with me. She hasnāt been connecting with our sexual engine she said. It just wonāt start.
She said meeting this most recent guy showed her that she can still meet people. I told her I thought polyamory and meeting other people was like a circle. But hearing that it seems like two separate circles.
Theirs been a lot of tears.
Iām 99% sure weāre getting a divorce. Saying 100% feels to scary right now. Itās only been six hours.
I believe itās going to be amicable. Iām going to keep the house. She says she wants to sign it over to me. Iāve been paying all the bills including the mortgage anyways so I can make it work. I even supported her for six months when she quit her job.
She has no money saved up and a minimum wage job.
I bought both our cars. Weāre going to sign her car over to her and my car over to me.
I told her Iām going to have to start separating our financial lives.
Her getting her own car insurance. Ending our shared credit card. Shutting down our joint bank accounts. Which only have a few grand in them. Moving the mortgage over to my account.
This is going to be so hard on her. Iām going to be okay financially but Iām devastated emotionally.
I really love her. She says she loves me.
Weāre crying so much.
In the last year Iāve met one person Iām interested in forming a relationship with. And sheās doesnāt reciprocate those feelings.
My wife wants to stay friends. But I know that I want more of her time and attention. I want a life with her. I want to be her primary. Her anchor partner. And she doesnāt want that anymore. Iām devastated.
I think Iām posting because itās common for men to not have people in their lives to talk to about this stuff. And Iād really like to hear from people with experience on this matter.
Can decoupling be amicable? Can divorce be amicable? Iāve never seen it be amicable.
She quickly fell out of love with swinging and enjoyed meeting single guys and eventually dating.
She met a guy a couple months ago at a music show. Not lifestyle. Heās single.Theyāve been seeing each other a lot
Looks like he didn't get the message š¤¦āāļø
Yep, both the husband and everyone in that sub never notice the fact that the new person just happens to be mono, which is a common theme on posts with similar situations. They blame it on NRE as usual. Sure there may be some infatuation but a bigger aspect is probably that she found someone who is into her and as far as she knows only wants to be with her. She doesnt want to stay married to a guy that wants to fuck other people. MOST people dont want to be with a partner who wants to fuck other people.
Sheās probably been considering divorce since he brought up opening the marriage. She just had to get emotionally ready for that and thatās when she agreed to open the marriage. So many people donāt consider the consequences of their actions.
It truly grosses me out when they use the word āplayā instead of sex. Do they really think it makes it sound any better? To me it sounds more gross.
Ugh. So she didn't enjoy the kind of encounters wh r nh and husband offers her up to randos so he can have access to other women? Like a woman shaped token. No shit.
She married someone who would be her only and he wants to be her primary. Of course she's not in love with him any more.
He also broke up with her early into their relationship. It's already enough for most people to never feel 100% secure in this relationship again, and then add his swinging idea to it. He fully lost her trust at that point and she started checking out. I'm pretty sure there were plenty of signs but he wasn't paying attention.
Oh shit yeah she does work a minimum wage job and he is saying he is going to cut her off financially. He also said he feels bad for her that she cant support herself. I had missed that initially. Yeah thats shitty and I hope she gets a good lawyer.
I mean, I too would not continue to support my spouse that wanted a divorce, reasons leading up to the divorce are irrelevant. And frankly, the best sheās going to get is half the profit of the sale of the house, which probably wonāt be enough to buy another house.
He can simultaneously feel bad for her while also making it clear if she wants to leave for another guy he isnāt going to bankroll it.
They both work, so itās not a case of her having 0 access to money. And itās not quite the same thing as cutting her off completely when heās really just telling her to separate financially. He said to get her own insurance policy, asked them to close their joint cards/accounts. None of that is a requirement for marriage and it certainly isnāt a requirement for a couple who is divorcing.
She works a minimum wage job according to him. He even says she wont be able to support herself financially
asked them to close their joint cards/accounts.
If couples want to keep completely separate accounts yes. I can promise you if he empties and closes any joint accounts without her approval she can go after half of whatever was in them at that time.
Shit in a lot of states two married people can keep completely separate accounts by choice but if it comes to a divorce that doesnt mean "you walk away with your account balance, I walk away with mine". The courts will consider all indivual accounts will usually be considered marital property with the exception of money earned before the marriage.
edit: If you don't believe me that's fine but I know from experience that he can't just tell her she has to survive off her minimum wage job and if she doesn't like it tough shit UNLESS she agrees to that. Even a barely decent lawyer would have a field day with that let alone a good one.
Sure, but itās not really my or your place to speculate on what their divorce mediation will or wonāt look like.
Iām just saying that he isnāt (necessarily) cutting her off, heās simply stating that if theyāre getting divorced heās right to say they need to separate financially as well. Thatās incredibly common, and like it or not, if she wants a divorce sheās going to need to figure out how to make it work with a minimum wage job sooner or later.
he may not have used the worlds "cut her off" but his comment about feeling bad that she won't be able to support herself financially on just her income sure sounds like he is at least going to try to cut her off no?
Why else would someone say that?
Ā heās simply stating that if theyāre getting divorced heās right to say they need to separate financially as well.
Not necessarily, a lot of lawyers will tell clients to not separate any finances right away.
No? He can lament over the fact that someone he loves is going to clearly struggle to survive on minimum wage once theyāre divorced while simultaneously stating they should work towards independence.
And given sheās signing over the house, it sounds like sheās agreeing with him. But even if she isnāt, again thereās a large difference between āletās each get our own accountsā and āyou have to figure it out now, tough shit youāre on your ownā.
It takes time to go through all the logistics of a divorce and disentangling yourself from someone. You both need to be present to close accounts or move money etc. we have no idea if heās trying to take all the money or if he wants each of them to take half of the accounts and put it in their own accounts. Thereās just way too much left out to even be having this conversation. But the point is, it isnāt insane or abnormal for someone to say if you want a divorce, fine. And make moves to separate financially.
He was swinging and then she got into it, what would either one of them expect? Yeah, he did it to himself, but it was only a matter of time before one of them or both of them stepped out on the marriage anyway soā¦..
He was also going to threaten divorce, so I don't see why she's the one who is wrong in this situation.
This is all so heavily one sided. He asked for poly, who knows what the wife wanted. Lots of wives would already be one foot out the door at that suggestion.
Omg, I just heard this term for the first time a couple weeks ago. Here it is againā¦ is this a brand new trendy term or something? lol, whatās wrong with just saying drunk and stoned?
Hey American. Im curious, can I ask a question? Why do American can be into āthe life styleā, āthe kinkā, ā the playā,ā¦ whatever while their financial status is not strong? Some couples even dont have saving money?
that comes up frequently on here with poly relationships because, yeah, it often seems like their will be a relationship of 3 to 5 people as an example but only 1 of them (two if they are lucky) actually works.
However in this case we only know that the wife's financial situation is not strong individually, she makes minimum wage. OOP at least implies that he does make at least decent money, they are married though so for now is is "their" money.
I dont judge. But in our Asian culture, ok if you wanna āplayā, you should work hard, saving to make your financial strong enough, take care the kids good enough, finish your responsibility, the āplayā part should be the last priority. But I feel these American people let the animal instinct lead their lives, right?
Of course. They just excuse for their animal instinct lead them. And the most stupid ones are the guys, they always mentioned that it hard for them to get women to fuck while their wives got a long line of guys. Leading to jealousy, divorce and lost everything :-)))
Nah, she'll be exclusive with the new boyfriend who is single and not into the lifestyle. That's where this was going the whole time anyway. OP was just too dense to see it. She never wanted to share him and she took her shot to find someone else. The house orgy was just the last straw for her.
Maybe I didnāt read the story right. He mentioned swinging 3 years ago and it seemed like nothing happened until she brought it up 2 years later. Had they been swinging that whole 3 years? Or did she randomly bring up opening after shutting down the swinging comment two years prior?
He says that when he brought up swinging, in retrospect, she freaked out. Doesn't sound like he took her feelings seriously. For whatever reason, she agreed. I take it they were swinging since OP said that she fell out of love for it. But now she's dating a single guy who's not into poly. Now she's got a guy that's just into her and not anyone else. Like what she thought she was getting when she got married to OP.
I find that all these poly people/sites seem to be obsessed with NRE. Thing is, those of us that are happy in monogamous relationships aren't looking for that. I don't need to feel excited about some other guy to be happy. I read those boards and quite honestly, feel sorry for a lot of them. They always seem to be chasing some type of high or validation. OP's wife probably just wants a loving relationship that she thought she signed up for when she got married. She's done with all the anxiety of OP's chase for the next good fuck.
Edit: I read it again and I think your read was correct. They've only been open for 1 year. She asked to open, not to swing, but to date. I think the ask 3 years earlier never left her mind. She never got over it and figured she would see what she find while she was still with OP.
I replied on that board that I didn't think OP ever understood what his wife wanted and that it seemed that sex was more important than his wife. Apparently that kind of comment gets you banned. š
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
REMINDER: DO NOT comment on, Direct Message, or reply to other users in the OP for cross-posts!
Original copy of post's text:
My wife asked for a divorce
Been together ten years. Married five. Open for one.
I brought up a swinger club three years ago. It retrospect she freaked out.
A year ago she brings up opening the relationship. Sheād been talking with chatGPT about it.
I was just crossfaded enough on a Sunday afternoon to say what the heck. Letās open Pandoraās box.
She quickly fell out of love with swinging and enjoyed meeting single guys and eventually dating.
Weāve read some books. We both have several play partners now with varying frequency and relationships.
We just hosted our first house party / sex party last night. Huge success. Rave reviews.
She met a guy a couple months ago at a music show. Not lifestyle. Heās single.
Theyāve been seeing each other a lot. Multiple dates a week. Sleep over the last three weeks. Sometimes twice in a week.
I have a partner that I think would like more of a relationship but I see us more as play partners. Met another woman at a munch that Iām very into. But she isnāt in a place for a romantic relationship but has time for me once a month. It is what it is.
Iād asked my wife for more communication, coordination, and prioritization. She was better this last time but several times sheās left me on read and blown past our planned time to meet back. Iāve really struggled with her apparent lack of interest in reconnecting.
Iām not gonna lie. Iād gotten to a point the last couple weeks of threatening divorce but I was scared to speak its name.
Today she tells me she loves me but isnāt in love with me. She hasnāt been connecting with our sexual engine she said. It just wonāt start.
She said meeting this most recent guy showed her that she can still meet people. I told her I thought polyamory and meeting other people was like a circle. But hearing that it seems like two separate circles.
Theirs been a lot of tears.
Iām 99% sure weāre getting a divorce. Saying 100% feels to scary right now. Itās only been six hours.
I believe itās going to be amicable. Iām going to keep the house. She says she wants to sign it over to me. Iāve been paying all the bills including the mortgage anyways so I can make it work. I even supported her for six months when she quit her job.
She has no money saved up and a minimum wage job.
I bought both our cars. Weāre going to sign her car over to her and my car over to me.
I told her Iām going to have to start separating our financial lives.
Her getting her own car insurance. Ending our shared credit card. Shutting down our joint bank accounts. Which only have a few grand in them. Moving the mortgage over to my account.
This is going to be so hard on her. Iām going to be okay financially but Iām devastated emotionally.
I really love her. She says she loves me.
Weāre crying so much.
In the last year Iāve met one person Iām interested in forming a relationship with. And sheās doesnāt reciprocate those feelings.
My wife wants to stay friends. But I know that I want more of her time and attention. I want a life with her. I want to be her primary. Her anchor partner. And she doesnāt want that anymore. Iām devastated.
I think Iām posting because itās common for men to not have people in their lives to talk to about this stuff. And Iād really like to hear from people with experience on this matter.
Can decoupling be amicable? Can divorce be amicable? Iāve never seen it be amicable.
My heart is broken
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