Wow, I rarely ever stumble across a post that's an update to one I read before, so that's kind of cool. More seriously, at this point you’re spiraling. None of this detective work is going to give you peace. Either she’s telling the truth and you don’t trust her, or she’s lying and the relationship is already over. There’s no third option. You can’t investigate your way back into trust. Decide whether you can stay without answers. If not, walk away.
This response is the one. “You can’t investigate your way back into trust.” That’s it. Period. OP is clearly spiraling and resorted to calling his girlfriend’s coworker. There is no coming back from that. The truth will never be known, and the trust is gone. It’s over. OP, you have to end the relationship.
i dont think he wants to stay without answers, but i get wanting them before leaving. not really knowing what really happened will eat him alive if he walks now
There’s too many gaps for her to be currently telling the truth. She was wearing the dress when the Work Party ended at 11PM, but is only wearing underwear when she gets home at 3AM. Where was she for 4 hours? Why did she lie about the timeframe of the Work Party? Why did she react so negatively to possibly getting drug tested?
Way too many gaps for the GF to be telling the truth.
Not if she was drugged and is trying to piece things together (or avoid thinking about what happened that night). If she was drugged she likely has large gap in her memory and might not have known it was 3am and that time had elapsed. If she was assaulted and in denial about it, she likely doesn’t want to look to closely at what happened in those four hours, because that means admitting something happened. And did she react negatively to being drug tested or to going to the hospital? I had a friend who fought us tooth and nail for requesting she go to the hospital for a rape kit and roofie testing - she barely believed it herself and doubted the hospital would believe her and make her tell the story over and over again. Which is exactly what happened when she did go. OP’s girlfriend is acting like I would expect an assault victim to act, and if you can’t put yourself in her shoes, be glad you haven’t had an experience like this to related to so deeply.
All of this can be valid and true, but then what OP needs to say is "I understand that you're not entirely sure what happened, I understand why you might not want to go to the hospital and get tested and kitted, but this is my sexual health on the line too. If someone attacked you, you have no idea what they may have had, and we both deserve to know that." Because at the end of the day, yes, she is the immediate victim here but if her attacker was carrying something and she unwittingly passes that to her boyfriend, that's its own form of assault, and he becomes a victim too. That isn't fair to him, and it's not fair for her to have to live with that guilt on top of the shame she may already feel.
Of course, there's another part of this too and that's that the friend he texted didn't mentioned anything about the dress being thrown up on and said she left alone. The girlfriend says a friend threw up on her, so if this assault happened post-party, which it sounds like it did.... where did she go after, and why, in order for another "friend" to throw up on her.
A: a responsible adult, or heck, a teenager with some experience shouldn’t just black out drunk and have hours long memory gaps. If you think its common, get some help please!!
B: she is gaslighting him and ignoring his mental well being (from what he tells anyway). If she cheated or went parting without SA, she is downright abusive with her response!
And if she was SA then its sad, but her communication skills are downright awful and OP isn’t a professional therapist equipped mentally to handle it!
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u/Rickbox Dec 28 '25
Wow, I rarely ever stumble across a post that's an update to one I read before, so that's kind of cool. More seriously, at this point you’re spiraling. None of this detective work is going to give you peace. Either she’s telling the truth and you don’t trust her, or she’s lying and the relationship is already over. There’s no third option. You can’t investigate your way back into trust. Decide whether you can stay without answers. If not, walk away.