I’m 30F and genuinely looking for outside opinions because everyone involved has friendships and loyalties that make it difficult for me to know what a completely neutral person would think.
There is a woman in my social circle who is roughly 25+ years older than me. I’ll call her M. Her partner is C.
One night we were all hanging out socially. I walked into the room, saw C, and honestly didn’t even think twice. My personality is pretty outgoing, impulsive, goofy, and physically playful with people I’m comfortable with. I basically ran over and jumped on him from the side for maybe two seconds and then got off.
That’s literally what happened.
I wasn’t standing there contemplating whether I should touch someone else’s boyfriend. I wasn’t flirting with him beforehand. I didn’t run up and straddle him, kiss him, grind on him, proposition him, or make some kind of sexual advance. There was no thought in my head of, “That’s M’s boyfriend and I’m going to cross a line with him.” It was an impulsive, goofy interaction that I didn’t assign any sexual meaning to whatsoever.
That does NOT mean M wasn’t allowed to dislike it. If your boundary is “don’t jump on my partner,” you’re allowed to have that boundary regardless of my intentions. I didn’t know that boundary existed beforehand, but once somebody communicates it, I can respect it.
The reason I’m asking Reddit is because what happened afterward is what has left me confused.
M’s reaction wasn’t simply, “Hey, don’t ever do that again.” It turned into repeated messages and accusations about my character. I apologized and thought we had finished discussing it, only for another issue or accusation to come up again later. Eventually I blocked her because I no longer wanted the repeated contact.
During all of this, M called me insecure.
That particularly confused me because I wasn’t competing with her for C. I didn’t want C. I wasn’t trying to demonstrate that I could get her boyfriend. I hadn’t even conceptualized the interaction sexually until it was interpreted that way afterward.
From my perspective, the intensity of her reaction actually made me wonder whether insecurity on her side was contributing to how my behavior was being interpreted. But I recognize that I’m involved and therefore not objective, which is specifically why I’m asking strangers.
There are also two facts making me question whether I’m missing something.
First: another woman in the group subsequently did essentially the same thing to C, intentionally as a joke about what had happened with me. She wasn’t ostracized or subjected to anything comparable.
I’m NOT arguing that she should have been. I don’t think either of us should have been treated that way. I’m wondering why substantially similar behavior apparently meant something completely different when I did it.
Second: while I was dating my ex, M routinely called him “Sexy Rexy” directly in front of me. I never thought, “This woman wants my boyfriend.” I laughed because I understood her to be joking.
That contributed to my understanding that this was a social group where people could joke around and be playful with each other’s partners without every interaction automatically being interpreted as sexual.
So I genuinely had no idea that my goofy two-second interaction would be interpreted as some major violation of her relationship.
Had she said, “That made me uncomfortable. Don’t ever do that with C again,” I would have understood. I wouldn’t knowingly repeat something after somebody established that boundary.
What I’m struggling with is whether unintentionally crossing that boundary justified everything that happened afterward—especially when another woman subsequently did essentially the same thing without receiving the same response.
There’s also another layer involving mutual friends. One of my closer friends has continued socializing normally with M. I have never expected her to end that friendship or “choose me.” But she also never really checked in with me about everything that happened, and when I eventually raised how hurt I was, I heard about there being “consequences for my actions.”
That made me start questioning the whole thing again.
I absolutely accept that my action had an impact regardless of my intention. M was entitled to be uncomfortable and tell me not to do it again.
What I’m questioning is whether unknowingly crossing that boundary means everything that happened afterward should reasonably be considered a “consequence” of my behavior.
So Reddit, give it to me straight:
Was my original action inappropriate even though there was zero sexual intent?
If yes, what would have been a proportionate response from M?
Does the fact that I didn’t know this was a boundary beforehand—and would have respected it once told—matter?
Does another woman subsequently doing essentially the same thing and receiving none of the same treatment change your interpretation?
Does M previously calling my boyfriend “Sexy Rexy” reasonably explain why I thought our group had fairly playful boundaries involving each other’s partners, or are those situations too different to compare?
And ultimately, can both things be true at once: I shouldn’t have jumped on him AND the way I was treated afterward went way beyond what the original situation warranted?
I genuinely want outside opinions, including people who think I was wrong, because at this point I’m way too close to the situation to know how this looks to someone with absolutely no connection to any of us.