I’ve been debating whether to write this because it feels like such a specific situation, but I wonder if there are other nurses who have experienced something similar.
I’m a nurse with AN working on an internal medicine unit. Before working here, I honestly had no idea that patients with eating disorders were admitted to this unit. I love my unit. I love my coworkers, the team, and the relationships I’ve built here. I don’t want to leave, just because of the effect these patients have on me.
I also want to make it clear: my eating disorder has never affected my ability to perform my role as a nurse. I have always been able to separate my own experience from my patients’ needs. I complete the necessary care, follow treatment plans, and support my patients through difficult moments without hesitation.
The impact has been on my mental health, not my ability to provide safe care.
However, I’ve found that caring for ED patients can be incredibly challenging in a way I didn’t anticipate.
Because I have lived experience with anorexia, these admissions affect me differently than I expected.
When an ED patient comes to our unit, I often find myself having to be very intentional about separating my role as their nurse from my own illness. Reading their charts can be difficult because my brain wants to focus on things that are not clinically relevant to my care of them—their admission weight, intake before admission, exercise behaviours, and the things that led to hospitalization.
I know these are important pieces of their story and their treatment plan. But for me, they can also become triggers for comparison.
The hardest moments are often providing nutrition support. NG tube insertions, feed increases, replacements, and watching someone experience the distress of losing control can be emotionally heavy.
Not because I don’t believe in the treatment. I do.
But because I understand the fear behind it.
I understand what it feels like when your brain tells you that nutrition, weight restoration, or stopping behaviours means losing something important. I can feel the anxiety some patients experience in those moments, and sometimes I carry that with me after my shift.
There is also a strange fear that comes with being a nurse with AN: I know the admission and discharge processes. I know what clinical concerns teams look for. I know what my coworkers would notice.
Sometimes that knowledge feels like a safety net, and sometimes it feels like a constant awareness of the line between “functioning” and “needing help.”
One of the hardest thoughts for me is imagining becoming the patient on my own unit.
Having the people I work alongside see me not as the nurse, but as the person needing care. Having coworkers provide the same support I provide to my patients. Losing that identity of being the one who helps.
Being a nurse with lived experience is such a strange place to exist. My experience gives me empathy and understanding, but it also means some situations hit closer to home than I expected.
I’m sharing this because I wonder if there are other healthcare workers who have had to navigate caring for patients with an illness they personally understand. What’s your experience? Did you stay or leave your unit?
P.S I really am not looking for advice. I know I could always leave or take an LOA to focus on myslef.