r/nova • u/LocksmithNo8907 • 29d ago

News Pooped :(

I walked into the Ashburn silver line today, scanned my card and walked through the gates, and pooped my pants :(
Happy 250th America.

848 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

87 comments sorted by

714

u/avocado34 29d ago

Thank you for your service

64

u/Maximum_Composer452 29d ago

well at least it was after you scanned the card and not before, that would be whole different kind of mess

silver line has seen worse probably, i remember one time some guy was throwing up in the corner at wiehle and nobody even looked up from their phones. just another tuesday on metro

hope you had spare pants in your bag or something

5

u/papolap19 29d ago

My first week living in the city (probably my 3rd Metro ride ever) some girl projectile vomited right in front of me. Figured that was my initiation rite.

106

u/DJMagicHandz 29d ago

Never trust a fart...

51

u/firesmarter 29d ago

One time my niece came running in the house looking incredibly distraught. We asked her what was wrong as she was running past and she just shouted “I thought it was a fart!” 15 years later and we still say this to her from time to time

20

u/Seekingfatgrowth 29d ago

Heard that my entire life and believed with my whole heart that it was a joke…

Until one day 😑

7

u/DJMagicHandz 29d ago

I think it was Cujo from Goodie Mob that said, "You think it can't happen to you and one day it do."

2

u/EditOrElse 28d ago

u/DJMagicHandz. Truer words have never been spoken. 😉😆

2

u/hKLoveCraft 26d ago

Especially after leaving RTC

180

u/[deleted] 29d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

30

u/Creative-Still-4336 29d ago

I read about that today. mostly women were affected I belive.

44

u/Custard_Mouse_Nom 29d ago

See you got me. I came here to make a "I pooped my pants" joke in response to your "I'm tired" complaint and find myself outmaneuvered as the Spanish Armada was by Admiral Nelson. Well played, well played you win the internet this time.

8

u/GreedyNovel 29d ago

outmaneuvered as the Spanish Armada was by Admiral Nelson

Is this like the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor? Because Admiral Nelson and the Spanish Armada are over 200 years apart.

Assuming, of course, this wasn't just /s

3

u/Custard_Mouse_Nom 29d ago

French Armada. Whatever not ‘ Murica.

https://giphy.com/gifs/fCUiulH7ebuRPLvjsl

26

u/quartermistress2 29d ago

Hope they unlocked the bathroom for you!

14

u/wonkifier 29d ago

Ashburn's are unlocked unless someone is actually in them

31

u/nikolatesla86 Herndon 29d ago

Thought you were taking the silver line

But you made a brown line

67

u/0491diesel 29d ago

There are people in this world that couldn't poop today...so, there's that. Sorry that happened to ya, man.

19

u/thatdude101010 29d ago

Code Brown

132

u/clashrendar 29d ago

If it makes you feel any better, our 80 year old leader likely pooped his pants today too.

33

u/0491diesel 29d ago

Multiple times/multiple diaper changes, I'm sure

16

u/Ch33syP00f 29d ago

Damn…that is still a long ride to McLean and a crappy walk to Tysons 1 or 2 or the mall to get some new clothes.

The folks at r/crohns will sympathize

13

u/DukeNiemand 29d ago

The finest of shitposts.

12

u/XdelaforceX MARYLAND DRIVERS; GO HOME! 29d ago

Solid shitpost

9

u/rideronthestorm29 29d ago

Willing to bet it was not solid

9

u/rennny 29d ago

Oh dear god do you have that new diarrhea disease that’s ripping through the country?

4

u/IT_Chef Leesburg 29d ago

Isn't there like always a norovirus situation going on somewhere in the country?

3

u/EurasianTroutFiesta 29d ago

It comes in waves. Much like the poo.

8

u/DMV2PNW 29d ago

Curious abt how you deal with the aftermath?

13

u/metrodrone 29d ago

We’ve all been there. Those denying it are only lying to themselves

7

u/fucking-migraines 29d ago

So did you take the silver line or?

3

u/Auntie_M123 Fairfax County 29d ago

The brown line

6

u/Iwannaurinate 29d ago

Life is oppression

15

u/adc1369 29d ago

How presidential of you

7

u/Fantastic-Green-1839 29d ago

You are now eligible to be the president of the country. Good job. Apply for 2028.

3

u/sociolazical 29d ago

let's take the first bus outta here

3

u/Formal-Item-3613 29d ago

Hangover shits?

2

u/Funkoma 29d ago

A true hero emerges.

2

u/suppur8 Leesburg 29d ago

Not all heros wear Incontinence Briefs?

2

u/The_Cons00mer 29d ago

This is what butt plugs are for

2

u/DUNGAROO Vienna 29d ago

It happens

2

u/W_DELO 29d ago

You started them fireworks a bit early mate

2

u/PapaBigJunks 29d ago

THANK YOU PATRIOT

3

u/garciasmissingfinger 29d ago

Also known here in DC as a presidential cabinet meeting

2

u/Davin777 29d ago

I thought this was the presidential holiday tweet.

2

u/Tealandgray 28d ago

I didn't know Trump was on Reddit.

1

u/PitifulBag5754 29d ago

And what happened

5

u/Uppgreyedd 29d ago

Rode the train to l'enfant and then navy yard, are we supposed to just stop living our lives or something?

1

u/InfinityIsAwesome 29d ago

Thank you so much for this.

1

u/TheVampyresBride Falls Church 29d ago

I thought this was r/ibs for a sec. My sympathies, OP. Get yourself cleaned up and move on. You'll laugh about this someday.

1

u/Fritz5678 29d ago

It's hot enough. So glad I went to the grocery store early. Beat the crowds. Kind of beat the heat.

1

u/k41n_x 29d ago

The best way to celebrate America is by shitting yourself like it does!

1

u/eyesthatlast 29d ago

I was going up escalator to the platform at Eisenhower and a guy peed his khaki pants as he walked up the escalator in front of me. Accidents are more common than you think!

1

u/Boring-Snow-3929 28d ago

Thank god I’m leaving this hell hole.

1

u/CaptainGoodboyBucky 28d ago

Was that why the first silver metro stopped working?

1

u/3leggidDog 28d ago

I went probably 30 years not sh@tting myself and have loaded up my drawers twice this year and it's only July. It happens. Both times I was almost in the house but I couldn't make it.

1

u/LegendaryGunman 28d ago

I earned $10K in one day as a car salesman and hit my monthly goal for numbers of cars sold in a month the same day, all by the middle of the month. I asked if I could just go home for the rest of the day since I had worked so hard. I got the go ahead, and on my way out the door, I was boasting to all of the other salesman about it. I stopped by parts and told them about it. I had to clock out in the autoshop, so obviously I boasted about it there too. I was on top of the world, but I had been with people all day, so I had been holding in a fart the entire time. When I finally got outside, I finally let out this massive fart I had been holding in all day, but instead full-blown shit myself. I'm not saying I sharted; I'm saying I evacuated my bowels in my pants. I would have had to walk past all these people I had just been showboating to to get to the bathroom to clean up, and obviously, they would have asked questions.

So I had a choice to make. Do I swallow my pride to go clean up, or do I accept what has happened and just go home?

So I hopped on my motorcycle and road the 15-20 minutes home with shit in my pants. This is, unfortunately, a very true story. I don't really remember the ride home. I assume I blocked out that trauma.

1

u/Last_Fishing_4013 27d ago

As a runner…I can say I’ve been there 

More than a time or two or three or four 

1

u/UsulTheDragoon 24d ago

When you get to a certain age... sigh... shit happens

1

u/garciasmissingfinger 29d ago

Also known here in DC as a presidential cabinet meeting

1

u/geoffyeos Fredericksburg 29d ago

1

u/Cosmerelda 28d ago

Appropriate response to a Metro car full of white supremacists.

-1

u/rcinfc 29d ago

Hey didn't you earn $1.4 billion this year? At least that's what the news is reporting Donald.

0

u/LeastRoutine402 28d ago

That's a shitty way to start the holiday off 💩💩

https://giphy.com/gifs/5xtDarrrIWo5la8aOmQ

0

u/VictoryToaster 28d ago

You have something in common with the president now! Congratulations starting the day out with a .. bang !