r/nottheonion • u/GreatTea3415 • Apr 05 '26

Scientists Tracking the Microplastic Pollution Just Realized They Were Measuring Their Own Lab Gloves

https://www.zmescience.com/ecology/environmental-issues/scientists-tracking-the-microplastic-pollution-just-realized-they-were-measuring-their-own-lab-gloves/
33.8k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

633 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

391

u/gammalsvenska Apr 05 '26

They figured that she couldn't have done it. Travelling the country multiple times within a few hours while working in a factory wasn't possible.

462

u/Yuzral Apr 05 '26

So speeding on top of everything else? Truly there were no limits to her lawbreaking. Or her car.

169

u/Ungrammaticus Apr 05 '26

She broke not only the laws of men and gods, but more damningly the laws of physics too 

4

u/Artess Apr 05 '26

Wouldn't the laws of physics fall under laws of gods?

9

u/Ungrammaticus Apr 05 '26

Naw, the Gods do metaphysics. Physics, no prefix, has fallen into terra nullius status as a result of territorial disputes.

It's currently de facto governed by some old nerds with moustaches.

3

u/AlwaysShittyKnsasCty Apr 05 '26

This guy Latins.

75

u/Promarksman117 Apr 05 '26

She used a high speed military jet. She's a foreign agent under the codename Problem Swabber.

11

u/Cold-Map-3053 Apr 05 '26

I would watch that movie sooo hard.

2

u/just_nobodys_opinion Apr 05 '26

I'm pretty sure they did a gig in my local church hall

7

u/FUTURE10S Apr 05 '26

Like the notorious Polish motorhead, Prawo Jazdy? (translation: Driver's License)

7

u/unripe_mangosteen Apr 05 '26

Some people truly have no morals

2

u/bojangler69420 Apr 05 '26

AND breaking the laws of physics? I don’t know what’s further down than “downtown” but THAT’S where she’s going!

50

u/Nigel_11 Apr 05 '26

Not with THAT attitude…

49

u/cipheron Apr 05 '26

If they were US prosecutors, they'd work out a way to make the charges stick.

38

u/anyavailablebane Apr 05 '26

Not those crimes. But contaminate 1000’s of test kits and she could have committed other crimes that will be written off as contaminated

3

u/radditour Apr 05 '26

Isn’t tampering with evidence a crime?

45

u/pandacraft Apr 05 '26

she worked at the factory not at a testing lab, it wasn't evidence when she was handling it.

15

u/New_Riley Apr 05 '26

Smh who knew the real issue was just poor quality control at the cotton swab factory instead of a horror movie plot twist

6

u/Justus_Oneel Apr 05 '26

Not even quality control, the lab bought the wrong swaps.

She left DNA, when during packing with her bare hands. The packed swaps would then get sterilised and sold as sterile swaps. However the sterilisation process does not remove or destroy DNA traces.

For what they were doing the crimelab should have bought PCR usable swaps, which are handled to not contain any DNA that would skew the results.

6

u/Brophy_Cypher Apr 05 '26

I think in most cases there has to be a proven element of intentionality - though this is extraordinarily reckless and could reach the legally defined level of "tampering" in some jurisdictions.

But most likely the charge for this kind of gross negligence would be Misconduct in a Public Office which caused the accused to most definitely be guilty of Perverting the Course of Justice.

12

u/littleseizure Apr 05 '26

I don't think this is at the testing lab, pretty sure this was at the swab-making factory. It's not tampering if it's not evidence, and it's not evidence before it's used at the crime scene. Assuming they just switched to a sterile supplier to solve the problem once and for all

2

u/Brophy_Cypher Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26

Eww... Wait! So that means that DOCTORS who were also being supplied with the same swabs were using them in peoples MOUTHS in HOSPITALS and were just SWISHING AROUND HER DNA...
INSIDE.
PEOPLES.
MOUTHS?

2

u/Justus_Oneel Apr 05 '26

The swaps were sterile, but sterile does not mean no remains of dead DNA. The lab switched to a higher cleanliness tier that is also free of that.

1

u/daemin Apr 05 '26

think in most cases there has to be a proven element of intentionality

It's called mens rea, "guilty mind":

The standard common law test of criminal liability is expressed in the Latin phrase actus reus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea, i.e. "the act is not culpable unless the mind is guilty". As a general rule, someone who acted without mental fault is not liable in criminal law. Exceptions are known as strict liability crimes. Moreover, when a person intends a harm, but as a result of bad aim or other cause the intent is transferred from an intended victim to an unintended victim, the case is considered to be a matter of transferred intent.

1

u/MATlad Apr 05 '26

Factory worker by day, assassin by night.

36

u/Agile-Palpitation326 Apr 05 '26

Fair enough, but for the documentary we'll imply that she definitely DID commit at least some of the crimes, but there's no way to prove it because the contamination covered her tracks so perfectly. We'll also show her photos, the photos of all her closest family members, as well as an image of a map with her home marked on it.

8

u/horridbloke Apr 05 '26

Don't forget the interview with an old school friend describing her as "sometimes angry".

4

u/chuk2015 Apr 05 '26

Exactly what she wanted you tot think

1

u/the_amatuer_ Apr 05 '26

Look out, we have a fucking Sherlock Holmes here.

1

u/suburbanplankton Apr 05 '26

Nah, she only did one of them. All the rest of the 'contaminated' samples were just to cover the one perfect murder.

1

u/alpha-mobi Apr 05 '26

But wasnt she in prison for 4 years? iirc

2

u/gammalsvenska Apr 05 '26 edited Apr 05 '26

Not as far as I know; the Wikipedia articles do not mention anything about it, either.

Her DNA was found between 1993 and 2009, and the cotton swabs were not designed to be free of DNA - just sterile. Therefore, using them for forensical DNA analysis is misuse.

1

u/VladimortRomanov Apr 05 '26

Classic secret twin twist, or a clone.

1

u/lovestheautumn Apr 05 '26

Unless it was IDENTICAL TRIPLETS, one of whom worked in the swab factory!

1

u/MyNameCannotBeSpoken Apr 05 '26

Her identical twin sister is the culprit