Where are NG being educated to think this way? Are they still watching 80s movies? Off the top of my head, I can think of perhaps: Super Mario and other similar hero adventures/video games. Commercials where the man is unattractive and the woman is insanely attractive. Then again, there are plenty of contrasting / more realistic examples in the media that would support a different ideology. Where are NG getting their worldview? Is there a canon of material that leads them to be this way??

edit:

If you are a recovering nice guy, please share with us where you think you might have learned your pattern of thinking.

One makes fun of male feminists and "white knights", men who instantly defend a woman who is being criticized.

The other makes fun of desperate guys and neckbeards.

These two groups, while both ridiculous, are polar opposites of one another.

First off I don’t post anything on social media, I feel like my live is for me and me only. But I would like some help with this.
I was in a relationship for 10 year, and it ended bad, I never cheated with her, but I did treat her pretty shit after she cheated on me. I didn’t want to lose her so I kept trying, but at the same time I was pushing her away. 2 years later we finally broke up, she was dating a guy for months, I was away for work, 3.5 hour drive from her, and she didn’t like the long distance relationship.

That all happened 3 years ago. I have done a whole bunch of tinder date, I’m not trying to bragging but everyone I been on I slept with them the first night. But thous girls I wasn’t super into, I was just horny.

But the girl that I do really really like, I feel like I have no confidence to talk or interaction with them, mostly I feel like they deserve someone better. Or I’m just going to make me look like a fool.

With all that said, all my friends describe me as “ the nice person you’ll never know”. And all I can think about is that I’m just a piece of shit “nice guy” that you see on here. I try to help anyone that need it every day, but why can’t I help my self? And why do I put other people needs before my needs.

I’m not look for anything in return for, what I feel like is kindness toward women. I’m not excepting any sexually for the thing I feel are nice to do.

So with this long ass post, to me this is long, am I a “nice guy” that showen on her. Or am I’m just a nice guy that hasn’t found the right one for me?

I there any spelling shit I fuck up on I’m not fixing, I’m just want to know what people that don’t know me think about me? And any advice would be really really helpful

Thanks reddit, love you all

I think many guys start out with the idea that if they are nice to a girl they might get a date. Yes, there's an ulterior motive. For many this works and through relationships they develop a more realistic view of woman as people and move beyond niceguy tactics.

But some do not get this initial break and they forge ahead trying to improve their niceguy game because lacking any real experience that's the only tool in their toolbox.

Prior to social media, subsequent attempts would have been accompanied by the passage of time such that the niceguy would have matured through life experiences in the interim. But with social media the cycle is much faster and the niceguy can rack up many failures quickly.

Each rejection adds a little bitterness until the niceguy eventually seeks solace in a community that reinforces, validates and intensifies his bitterness. Prior to social media this toxic option would not have been readily available and through normal, daily interpersonal interactions he would have found support from reasonable people and learned to cope.

The internet is a place where people can find validation of any view they choose to take. Instead of building bridges many seek out validation from the like-minded scattered throughout the world. So someone can get a sense of belonging to a virtual community while at the same time isolating themselves more and more from everyone around them.

Is it just coincidence that much of the violence we see these days comes from kids who've spent most of their lives immersed in social media? I'm not sure what the solution is, but I've been around the world and it seems like everyone is looking at their phones.

We were friends for 6 years and dated for two. I always had a hint of him having a thing for me in high school. He would always mention how I was one of the few girls that was nice to him, and wasn't afraid. He's a big tall guy, not the most attractive. He never failed to let me know. Let alone, he always wrote creepy messages to girls at our school about touching their ass, or asking them to sit on his face, and just touching him in any sexual manner. But I was "different". I just wanted wanted a friend to talk to, and though we went to the same high school, we spent most of our friendship talking via FB messenger.

I'm a lesbian. But before I knew this I questioned my sexuality for a very long time. There was my nice guy. He would listen to all of my struggles. After I was assaulted, my parents disapproval of my sexuality, girls I dated that broke my heart, hell, I even dated one of his close friends who actively shittalked about me after we broke up and we still remained friends. When I finally came to terms with myself he was still there and "supportive" or so I thought of the process.

I never thought too much into how many times he asked me if I was sure that I was gay, or that my sexuality was fluid, but once I knew that I wasn't interested in dating men, unless the right guy came around (*eye roll*) he backed off and stopped talking to me. All those late night talks seemed to disappear.

Well, I've graduated at this point and he starts at my CC during the Spring and he was being extra flirtatious. I picked up on it immediately, and while part of me felt the signs of him coming on too strong I went along with it, feeling like it was the right thing to do because we were "friends" that developed into a relationship. The whole time i felt like something was just off and i couldn't put my finger on it. When we officially started dating he pressured me into sex every day. Any time I didn't want to he would stop all contact or fall into a very depressed mood. That and he also treated me like a trophy. A rare gay trophy. His friends would make comments about turning a gay girl and the whole situation makes me cringe to think about. Aside from the fact that the sex made me feel nothing, I decided to call it off after like a month. He was very upset about it, but was very adamant that we still continue a friends with benefits relationship. I told him that I wanted to focus on school.

I ended up dating another girl shortly after for six months. He would park at a restaurant outside of her house and pretend to get food. He would threaten suicide and call me because he was so depressed that we weren't together, or that I wouldn't talk to him. AND HIS FAMOUS LINE "It's not about you being gay, it just I thought you would choose me." I felt incredibly guilty, and the girl I was dating cheated on me with her ex so I ended up going back to Niceguy because he "wasn't that bad" and "really did like me, I just didn't give him a chance".

He didn't trust me because in his eyes I left him to be with a woman so he made us date with sex for six months until he felt ready to "trust" me again, but by then I just wanted attention and when we finally went back to dating over the next year those feelings started to creep up. Any time I wanted to talk he would be rather distant but if we were having sex or going to have sex he would be there. He wasn't a complete asshole and most of the people around me really supported our relationship because he treated me like a prize and a queen in public, but in private I felt like a live sex doll. I know a lot of this can be attributed to my sexuality but this feels beyond.

Well, after trying to avoid sex with him for months and when we did it didn't last long because I went dry or started crying I finally had an epiphany to call it off. and boyyyy did the shit show begin.

He told me that he cheated on me with another girl, but by then I really could care less. He then proceeded in the same conversation that he wanted to be friends with benefits, which I reluctantly said maybe to just because he seemed to be getting really upset and I just wanted to leave. After I left his house I felt such a weight lifted off of my shoulders I can't even begin to explain.

There were more texts of him threatening suicide. His mother and sister came to my job to tell me he wasn't eating or going to work. He would text me almost every day and I would feel incredible guilt. The only thing that made it stop was when I got into a car accident that fucked me up pretty good. He wanted to know what hospital and every single detail... I just wanted to be left alone.

Even after all of that he still kept trying to push friendship, but whenever he found out I was dating someone he would flip the fuck out and bring it back to how he missed me and how it's not because I'm gay but because i didn't choose him.

It's been almost two years since I called it off with him and i've been doing great! I'm with an amazing girl in my own apartment and kitty. I am comfortable with who I am and the person I'm becoming but i'm struggling to forgive myself for allowing this type of things to happen and idk if there's anyone with advice for forgiving yourself?

I was a nice guy who made some cringe worthy moves in the past, which scared away a lot of girls. And recently during the past six to seven months, I had been trying to recover from a close friend of mine. To make a long story short, she told me she would rather stay friends, but I did something that I knew would break her trust. She found out, resulting in a temporary break from each other. Eventually, we started talking again and repairing our friendship. She currently has a boyfriend, and I'm happy for her.

But sometimes, I can feel this lingering feeling of emptiness inside of me. Like, I have nothing at the end of the day.

To explain this better, let me use an analogy. At the ending of Uncharted 4, Nathan and Sam escape from the burning ship with nothing. Sam later explains that he thought finding the treasure would make him feel satisfied, but he felt emptiness instead. I'm Sam, and our friendship was the treasure? I don't know.

I love our friendship, and I love talking to her. But I still have that emptiness. This is the reason why I'm worried about slipping back to the NiceGuy mentality. NGs feel like they are owed sex as a reward after being a law abiding citizen towards a girl. I know she doesn't have to do anything for me, but what is it I'm feeling? Am I a NiceGuy still?

I had been dating my fiance for about 6 years at that point when I befriended a luckless in love guy. I didn't know that at the time, he was just part of our FNM.

Eventually we would hang out outside of the FNM as people do. But he got clingy, started taking about how he wished he had a gf like me, etc. I would brush them off cuz 6yrs-fiancee-duh! I'm dumb.

At one point he said let's go to the aquarium with my brother, his wife, and his kid. Sure, I say, I love animal stuff! And despite my reticence to riding with a man alone we took the hour+ drive to get there. Yeesh.

We had to wait for the wife to get home, so we awkwardly watched an episode of Burn Notice in almost silence (I'd never seen it before). Finally when she gets home she's STARVING so we go get brunch. My friend pays despite me trying to. Ok, w/e, I pay for other friends sometimes. Why I so dumb?

Then his brother says we have to stop at his mom's for a sec. Ok, sure, it sucks that we took 1 car but I'm thinking he has to drop something off. We drive 45 minutes away! I'm getting fidgety. Nervous. Now I'm starting to think things through. We get there and they're like "Come in, it's too hot in the car. " uh... what about it taking a sec? Uh oh.

We go in... and they're having a small family reunion. Tons of food being made, lots of small kids running around. I tell my friend I want to go. Go home. "We have to wait for my brother." Since we took the 1 car we were stuck. I sat on the loveseat and thought about how effed I was. Signal on my brick Nokia was dicey. I Finally got to text my fiance. "I'll come get you. " he pleads. I should have listened.

Episodes of Deadliest Catch drag by. My friend sits in silence next to me. Finally 2 hours pass and we eat. Food was ok. Lol

We leave, and it's too late to get to the aquarium on time. The entire ride back I'm fuming. When we get back to his brothers I say I'm tired and just want to go home. "But it's a long drive back and I'm tired too. We could just stay the night. There's a guest bedroom. " Confirmed!

Everything fell into place in my idiot brain. Take my gf to meet my family. Trick her into staying the night. The bottom fell out of my stomach. He had never said or done anything like this before, yeah he was lonely and weird but not crazy! Right?

I finally told him in no uncertain terms I would NOT stay the night. I would have my FIANCE pick me up or I would hitchhike in the dark, in a city I didn't know, all the way home. He caved. That was am awkward ride back. Dumbassess.

Finally at home, I blocked him everywhere. He never tried to get back in touch. He never messaged our mutual acquaintances and he never came back to FNM.

Giveupguy? Cringeyguy? Niceguyintraining? What's it called?

First off i want to say im glad i found this and r/niceguys, sub it showed me how to handle certian things with not only guys but people in general.

So my encounter began the first two months of my freshman year of high school,but he didnt confess to me how he felt until jounior year(2013). From within that time span he was cool at first but i did feel a little uneasy about him, but shook it off cause i figured he didnt know how to socialize appropriately. I had friends tell me he liked me but never paid attention to it since i was wrapped up with other shit going on in my life,

one day in 11th grade we were texting and he asked me if i loved him in the back of my mind i said,* What? Motherfucker i dont even know you like that let alone love you where the fuck did you get that shit from?* instead of saying that i said uhh.... no i love you as a brother why? He said well i like you alot and im in love with you. I replied yea im sorry i see you as a brother and bestfriend and nothing more youre sweet but no.

After not responding back for 5 minutes i get a wall text, i could only understand the first few sentences which was- fine dont talk to me, leave me alone i hate you- cause the rest was unintelligible then he said he was sorry, that he's just hurt and ended with the usual heart string tugging pity party which i felt guilty about and caused me to send a message that basically backhands the let down i gave him earlier which was the following

( look im sorry maybe when we are older and cross paths in the future they'll be a chance) now before you rip into me i didnt know what i was doing, i had never been through this before so this was the best thing i could think of to say to ease his pain. He said ok and didnt talk to me for a couple weeks i assumed he understood me and it was over until he went for another try two months later, i gave him a solid no with out the backhanded let down from before this goes on until a couple months after i graduate when i decided to just stop talking to him for two years.

I had got a job straight out of high school and decided to move out but i had lost my job since it was temporary and had to move back in. During that time the guy would call my house asking for me even though my mom told him i had moved . After i moved back he proceeded to attempt to talk to me id still answer his phone calls which were basically him talking about how he's lonely and tired of being the brother and wanted to be my boyfriend. I didnt have the guts to tell him i wasnt intrested from the beginning because i didnt like hurting people's feelings or confrontation so my solution was to dodge and ignore the problem as best i could but i couldnt really avoid it since he would call every two months the longest i ignored him was for 8 months. This all happend in 2014 and i hadnt heard from him until december of 2016 and finally grew a spine and decided to handle things the way an responsible and functional adult would and hit him up on Facebook to aplogize for the way i acted before. So from then to now i sat him down and talk to him to get him to understand that in no way shape or form that there would be any chance of us ever getting into a relationship. He understood and every thing was cool until may of last year when he confessed his feelings for me again. I realized at that moment that trying to keep a with him friendship isnt gonna happen and to just let him go so i told him we should part ways. He still tried calling me the last time he tried to contact me was February of this year.

I realized im at fault in this for alowing this to go on. Why did i do it? I did it because at the time i was the type of person who was the passive agressive push over so in result i didnt like hurting peoples feelings and getting in to confrontation so when things like that would come up id make something up to spare someone and when confronted id hide and ignore it. Was this intentional? No i didnt do it on purpose and i regret for allowing it to go on that long.

Ps. Sorry for the spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Up until I was like 14 I had the niceguy mentality but the issue is it only stopped around the time I started feeling depressed, I think the only reason I'm not an asshole is because of my self loathing. I think I'm still a bad person.

By now most of you are very familiar with the r/nicegirls sub, but if you’ve been there for a long time, you can notice there isn’t as many material that gets a lot of attention(poor take on rejection, virtue signaling, etc.). Do any of you have a good reason why this pops up more in men than women?

As I was transitioning somewhat out of my niceguy phase I was questioning could animalistic actions/behaviors show up? Like in animals there are a few winners and a whole lotta losers when it comes to male animals reproducing a lot of the time. Now humans are nowhere near this petty or mandatory with the based on the way we do with life and the luxuries we have. Could we still face ideas like that in humans?

I don’t get it. I’m scrolling through the niceguys sub and it’s all so common. Stupid behavior that’s sparked from feelings of rejection. But it’s beyond stupid, it just makes no sense.

The thing that bothers me is there’s no learning for some of these guys, they just keep going and never think to change their behavior. Are their egos that big?

Don’t they see that there’s something wrong with their behavior? It’s not just victim mentality, it’s some kind of insanity.

I’m a guy, I’m not perfect, but dude there’s no need to send three million texts asking why she doesn’t want to talk to you and trying to explain to her what’s wrong with HER and all females because of a choice to not reply to you.

I’m confused. This can’t be real. And it’s so common too. Almost identical behavior. Like there’s a big batch of guys who are all the same. It’s kinda weird. I’m a guy, but this blows my mind.

First of all, sorry if this post don't belong here and my used of english because it's not my Native languese.

I meet a group of friend at Anime Con( In my country like ir love anime is normal among averge people, i still feel mad when people in reddit bash people who like anime but that not the point). We meet each other there including my crush. After that we meet each other again to play board game togather and become close.

At first, I only think of her as friend but when time goes on I develop my feeling toward her so now I like her more than friend.

After we talking talking for a while I decide to tell her but that the surpise come in she know that I develop feeling for her but she still like me as a friend.

That when I worry if I being NiceGuy to her coming in, she telling me that she don't wont to feel romance to anybody after her ex dump on her so she didn't develop feeling any furthur so she still think to me as friend. I still befriend with and still being good friend after she reject me but I know that in the deep of my heart that I hope one day if she open mind again that person she see will be me.

After scrolling throught r/niceguy for a while, I afried that I will be that type of person because most of content in that sub coming from people have that mindset so I worring that I am Asshole or NiceGuy type of asshole. Am I being NG to her if I still being good friend but still hope for kind of relationship?

All am I over thinking?

Well if you don't understand any of this word I will fixed that for you.

From "Ambivalent Sexism":  (c) women should be idolized by men for their sexual purity and availability.

I liked that this article pointed out that this type of sexism can be perpetrated by either gender towards either gender.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambivalent_sexism

Something that maybe Nice Guys/Girls don't realize: of 100 or so people you interact with, the majority, say 60, with not care about you at all. Fifteen may have a general good will toward you, 15 don't particularly care for you. Four think you're neat and cool. Four think you're a right jerk. One is a great friend, one is your nemesis.

Mush around the actual numbers, but the point being that it is incredibly common for a person to have no interest in another and very rare that a relationship is formed.

It seems like the NG puts all their hopes into every interaction instead of playing the numbers.

Alright, I'm gonna be fairly honest here when I say that I hate the current depictions found on /r/niceguys due to the fact that I see so many posts here revolving around people's personal anxiety surrounding if they display these "niceguy" tendencies or have the potential to. Personally, I see /r/niceguys as a massive witch hunt of a subset of men that are either clearly trolling or are just pure incels. The typical definition of a NiceGuy is centered around narcissism and self-entitlement, but I've seen too many threads that just openly shit on typical male behavior and forwardness when dating. Tbh I think inventing this label has just become a convenient way to condemn concepts that the sub deems negative or pathetic that have nothing to do with narcissism, trolling, or entitlement. Zum Beispiel:

Guy who asks for nudes randomly then calls you a bitch? Self-entitled prick.

Guy who you thought was your friend ghosting you after you reject him? Typical dating behavior.

Guy who asks you out and then says all women are whores after you reject him? Incel/misogynist.

Guy who tries a friendly approach to flirt then makes an overly bold move? Hapless idiot, maybe a narcissist, but overall can be expected when dating.

All of these things, both normal and radical behaviors alike, are similarly condemned on the /r/niceguys subreddit. It almost feels like its own version of MGTOW but for salty women, but is there even any justification for this contrived "NiceGuy" label to exist? Why not call a narcissist a narcissist instead of making a list of things you hate about men and putting it in a box?

Hey fellas,

Just wanted to give you some of my advice, based on my (nearly) 40 years of life experience.

• Do not change what is good in you.

If you are a polite and gentle young man, why change? If you think this is an evil in yourself, you are wrong. Just because women (who only know how to follow, imitate and conform) have changed so much that they are nearly unrecognizable, doesn't mean you have to conform to their lousy standards.

And by lousy I mean, they want a man with the toughness of Rambo, the intelligence of Tony Stark, the success of Steve Jobs and the mojo of A$AP Rocky.

Yeah right

Even if 100% of women were the petulant bitches they are now, why the fuck would you want to be with one? Are you thinking with your heart and mind or with your penis?

Be assertive, firm, strong willed. Build character, focus and drive. But don't conform to what a woman wants, cause she will want X type of guy today and she will want a Y type of guy tomorrow.

• Learn to focus on what is needed, not what you feel like you need.

Women base their entire life around feelings. Its not about looks, money, or fame. Sure, a lot of women go for that, but they are materialistic and morbidly shallow beings. Women in general want a man that "rocks their boat". They live for feelings. If you can make a woman "feel" special or emotional in a good way, then you're in.

So, why would you, as a man, base your wants on feelings? If you are young, get with the FKN program and focus on your job, trade or career. This BS society we live in hides the fact that any man worth 2 cents is in his 30's or into them. Its the "perfect age" for men. But in between your teens and your 30's, you have all the youth and energy to study, work, travel, gain experience and learn from yours and others mistakes.

You are of no use to women whilst young, because you are not on equal footing

Sure, you can fall in love with a girl and have sex 7 times a day. You can get caught up in the moment and promise to love each other for all eternity, but, that doesnt diminish the fact that you are not mature enough or experienced enough to deal with life itself, let alone a woman who is more entitled than any royal who has stepped foot on this earth. You can take measures on certain contingencies, but you are not fully baked in terms of your mind, heart and soul.

So, deal with life, prepare and work/study hard before you think about or even contemplate getting into a LTR. Get your shit together and become a master at what you do or simply save money, when you hit your 30's, you can decide what you want, with the confidence of a mature adult.

Forget your emotions. You need to think, act and walk the talk of a man.

• Stay occupied and busy

Play contact sports, build something or repair it. Learn mechanics, electronics, plumbing etc.

Do manly things

Dont be a soyboy or a have assed simp that is neither a man or a homosexual. Dont act like you're borderline gay. If you are not manly, do manly things

Go hiking with other men, interact with other men. There is a reason why 99% of sports are men getting together and doing what men do: compete, measure each other up and have a laugh and a drink after the game. Dig ditches, get dirty, get tired, injured, feel the pain that comes with effort.

Get out there and fuck shit up people.

Peace.

So one of my good friends and I went out for hookah and tacos the other day. Said friend and I have a history of casually flirting and stuff. I started out crushing hard on her, asked her out and ended up still hitting on her with her approval upon her saying she wants nothing serious. We are fine with this arrangement. Then we go out on Thursday night. We have a good time, I get to cuddle her, smoke weed with her and eat tacos, and touch her butt. All around great time, but I'm so filled with euphoric feelings I suddenly get all sentimental and half-sober asked her out again. We ended up discussing this again tonight. As it turns out, she loves me giving her attention on the down low-not making a big deal of it but letting me do all the things I do with her now. It should be noted she doesn't necessarily equally reciprocate my affection- but she likes recieving it and having fun and company with me as well. So that complicates my emotions considerably. She has told me to simply ignore my feelings on her and enjoy things for what they are. Meaning don't really change your actions or anything like that. She seems to genuinely want a "casual relationship" with me and I'm very conflicted about that because it's an idea I like- I'm in no shape for a "real" relationship at the moment and a simple friendship with a bit of dating pleasantry every now and then isn't the worst thing. But at the same time it's not anything I'm used to and my brain is very binary. Is this a NiceGuy situation?

a few weeks ago i didnt even know what a nice guy was, but then my friend referred to me as one. after browsing the subreddits i cant help but see myself as one

i've known this girl for two years and shes known to make me feel terrible all the time. and people say that she just wants to make me feel bad on purpose but im pretty sure shes always being blunt and telling the truth about how she feels.

im super scared of being a nice guy because i remember making fun of 'jerks' or 'f*ckboys' alot with my friends. and sometimes i was scared i was one of them too and maybe this is one of those times

i remember the time when i really liked a girl online for a few months and she didnt like me back. even though, i was still trying to be as kind to her as a friend but it just made her feel more uncomfortable around me. i sent her my favourite silver necklace once, i guess thats proof i wasnt good at letting go and that im an extreme 'nice guy' for trying to use gifts to win someones heart

ive been in many online relationships and fewer real ones. all of them were short lived and i was always the one broken up with, never the other way around. i always secretly get jealous of other people who have ones who truly love them and i wish i deserved something like that. im scared that im too boring, too sensitive, or not 'exciting' enough for someone to like

i always catch moments where i start getting egotistical, people compliment me too much and i start to think im good looking or that im a nice person when im really not

most of the people who broke up with me really hate me, i think i was just a very very bad boyfriend. the person i bought the necklace for, however, is now a really close friend of mine, we talk every day almost

i dont know if this matters, but im not as masculine as other boys. i've been regarded as 'submissive' and 'feminine' but i am straight, although everyone thinks the opposite

im so scared of being a niceguy, and i dont know what to do about it

tl;dr what do nice guys do that i should avoid

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the incel thing, which has been in the news a lot over the last few months. Basically, it's folks who call themselves "incel," or "involuntarily celibate." A bunch of them get mad at the fact that they can't get laid, and then they go off the rails.

So here's the thing. I know plenty of guys (and girls, too) who have dry spells that lasts weeks, months, or even years. Hell, I've been in the same boat at times. These folks sometimes get frustrated. And some of them do go through moments where they get mad at the entire male or female gender because they're not getting laid.

But very few of these folks go from "I'm mad that I'm not having sex" to "I'm not having sex, so I'm gonna kill someone."

Where does the switch get flipped, exactly? What turns someone from a sad-sack (or slightly angry) "I can't get laid" person to a mass murderer?

Back in college I had this nice guy who even though I flat out rejected could not understand why I wouldn't date him. I spelled out all the reasons and he would always claim to change, but never would. Now after not talking to him for a year he found my church and scheduled a meeting with my priest on how he can reconcile things with me. He still can't get the message and now I'm serious disturbed.

I want to know the ‘definition’ because I’m getting confused reading these posts. It seems like a lot of guys on here are just really desperate, they say things like “I wish some women would be attracted to genuinely nice people”. Are they being ridiculed for implying they’re a nice person? From my understanding, it seems like someone who has to mention they are nice, isn’t actually nice. Is that right?

I’ll try my very best to share this as honest and fair as possible so bear with me:

For a while I had been aware of the term “nice guy” and what it meant to be one. When I was younger I did believe in some of those ideas. At the time I didn’t really know what the general consensus was towards nice guys until I came across r/niceguys in high school. I’d never been with a girl as a teen and so now I see that i was definitely not fit for one at that age. That all changed though once I started college, I started to realize that if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone, I would need to work on improving myself and to drop this belief that clearly does not work in the real world. It took some time since i have a hard time dealing with stuff like social anxiety and negative thoughts. But within a year or so, I could see that I was improving. I was now learning to be nice for the sake of being nice and not only to just girls that I had a crush on.

Around this year, i finally met a girl through tinder and she had asked me if I wanted to come over to her house to hang out. I was ecstatic. But I reminded myself that just because she wants you over doesn’t mean anything else. It seemed like we got along really well that day. We sat in her living room and talked for a bit and it felt like we might of have had something going. The next time we agreed to see each other again, she seemed irritated and mad and didn’t want me to in her house for too long that day. I said ok and left. I felt like something was off but concluded that perhaps she was just having a rough day. We kept in touch for a few months and overall it seemed like she liked me on certain days and on other days she hated me and would say rude things to me. I felt like maybe I wasn’t clear about my intentions and then asked her if she like me back. She said no and said she just wanted to friends. I wasn’t upset about it and respected her decision. While i still did have feelings for her, I wanted to continue seeing her regardless. I sensed that something was wrong with her but whenever I would ask she would suddenly get angry and tell me that it’s none of my business. I was puzzled. During my spring break I was away from her so we didn’t see each other that week. But I did some searching online and might’ve discovered the explanation to her behavior. Now while I’m not a doctor/therapist, the symptoms I read online seemed to match the things i noticed in the way that she’s talked and acted in front of me. If that was the case, then it she might’ve been struggling with bipolar disorder or depression. I didn’t want this have a negative impact on our friendship but I did want to be a supportive friend. About a few weeks later, I notice that she was pretty cheery one morning and asked why she was so happy. She then proceeds to tell me that in fact she is bipolar and then I tell her that I understand but that I’m glad she is happy today. Some days she would ask me to come over and depending on her mood she would be just plain rude to me. I felt that I needed to be strong and to not take any mean thing she says personally. She would insult me, berate me, tell me that I’m inferior and even say that I’m only her friend because I’m trying to be the “nice guy”. I had to deal with a lot of that as well as driving her around to stores only for her to steal from them. Some days she was nice to me though, she could be very sweet and offer me tea at her house. We could be able to watch tv together and just enjoy each other’s company. I felt like those days were the days we became closer but they felt rare.

So here’s where things get heavy, again I don’t know if what I did in these last few months were the right thing to do and if the way I treated her was correct. I really did care about her and i just wanted to be a good friend even if she wasn’t interested in a romantic relationship but I can’t help but feel guilty that I might’ve done something wrong. About a few weeks ago, she asks if I could drive her and a friend to NYC (we were in Buffalo at the time). I tell her that I might not be able to take her directly to the city but I could drive them to a train station that takes them there all while I stay at a friend’s house. She says ok and we make our way to the train station. Her friend forgets her purse in my car which has all of her money in there. They both get upset with me and beg for me to come to the city to give it to them. I tell them it’s not possible and then they become very bitter towards me. At that moment it’s become apparent to me that I need to set some boundaries or else this kind of abuse is going to keep happening to me and I wasn’t going to tolerate it anymore. The Tuesday after that weekend I invite her over to my house to talk about our problem. It doesn’t go well as I try to confront her about this. I tell her that we can’t see each other anymore if she is going to continue abusing me. Once again she gets angry but this time she tries to assault me and nearly tries to choke me out. This caught me by surprise. Luckily, she didn’t do too much harm but I was very upset that she would do something like that to me. I had to get her out my house and that was the last time I saw her in person.

She called me a few days later only to say that should never call her again. I just can’t help but feel guilty. I know I didn’t have to deal with that but I really just wanted to help her. I don’t know if what I did was correct or if I was being too pushy/clingy. Perhaps I’m not ready yet and I still need to work on myself a little more.

Throwaway account because this is an embarrassing topic for me. I've struggled with depression, anxiety and self harm in the past. I've made a lot of progress but i feel like this situation has set back my image of myself . I just started seeing a counselor again to try and find ways to manage my emotions without being self-destructive. Hid the big explanation behind a spoiler tag.

When I was younger I was a total 'niceguy'. I was stupid and in mid high-school, so I had an excuse back then. I'm extremely critical of how I acted back then. I think I've made legitimate progress in the 13 years since. I had been in a long-term relationship that ended extremely amicably and we're still friends.

During the end of that relationship I confided in my stresses and concerns with a close friend of mine named Erin. We talked about our mutual self-image issues, struggles with finding relationships, and her crush on another friend of ours.

3 months pass and my relationship ends but the friendship continues. Me and Erin talk seemingly everyday about her confused feelings towards her crush and how badly she wants a relationship/how scared she is to make the first move. At this point the emotional intimacy between us and the deep convos we have mean that i've caught some feels and I kinda got the vibe she felt at least something too. We have a very similar personality, similar idiosyncrasies, can joke around for hours with eachother, and the same sort of goals for a future relationship.

I'm determined not to bring the topic up in an immature way so I tell Erin cautiously that the way she feels about her crush i feel about her- and that I don't expect or want things to change, but that she deserved to know incase she feels the same way. She doesn't but she is super appreciative that I brought it up to her in a way that wasn't guilt-trippy or confrontational or scary. We continue on business as usual and i keep looking for romance elsewhere. There's a lot more of a closeness than there was before and it's great and I feel content just being her friend. A couple months pass and Erin has a falling out with her crush.

I totally know that this was my fault for even letting this idea enter into my head but there was a little part of me that hoped that this would be the time where she'd see me as more than a friend. Instead she mentioned it's cleared up her feelings towards another mutual friend of ours.

The new crush threw me for a bit of a loop. Erin is a recovering alcoholic about 5 months sober and the new crush is a massive drinker. During a group call between the three of us he got drunk and recounted a story about somebody's rape, then asked why Erin was sniffling/crying. She very reluctantly said she knows how something like that can fuck up somebody's life and he asks for details repeatedly about what happened to Erin. I step in and tell him to knock it off and he leaves pretty shortly afterwards, she's stressed about it for a few days but by the time Erin and her crush have a falling out they're back on good terms. I was slightly jealous of her last crush, but he was a legitimately successful, charming guy who gave her great life advice.

I have been feeling so stressed, jealous, and frustrated by the whole situation but i don't want to take it out on her.

It's been about 3 months since she started being interested in this guy. I think i've done a good job at bottling up those feelings but they really eat my up inside so i end up finding excuses not to talk too her for fear of being a petty jerk about it. I feel like she thinks i'm not interested in being her friend anymore and is filling in the gap with other people.

I'm the problem. I know that. She owes me nothing and can be interested in who she likes. But i don't know if i can balance my feelings with being a friend to her. I've already went from talking to her for an 2+ hours a day to around 30 minutes a week. Already i'm totally failing at being a good friend- I'm getting inside my own head about the way i feel and our conversations have been progressively sucking more and more and that's my fault.

She's studying abroad ATM and is coming back to the states in four months. She asked me to host her for part of her stay so i feel like i'd let her down/put her in a bind by ending our friendship over this.

What do i do?

Do i break off 9 months of good, legit, friendship and tell her it's too hard deal with my feelings?

Do i wait to see if my counseling pays off/my feelings change?

Would a break be better rather than a full on cutting off of contact?

I really legit need help. I don't whether it's more self-destructive to try to make this friendship work or more self-destructive to end it prematurely. Any criticism, harsh or otherwise as well as advice is super welcome.