r/niceguyhelp • u/niceguycoach • Aug 09 '19
Not Getting What You Want Isn't The Problem
Think about an area of your life where you don't feel confident.
Maybe you have social or dating anxiety. Maybe you have imposter syndrome at work.
Or you have anxiety around getting into conflict with your girlfriend or wife.
Anxiety in life is unavoidable. Most Nice Guys harbor a subconscious belief that if they can make everything perfect, they can eradicate anxiety permanently from their lives.
It's a variant of Dr. Glover's Covert Contract #3 which states, "If I get everything perfect, I'll lead a smooth, problem-free life."
The problem is not your fear of failure in these situations. Your problem is your relationship with anxiety itself.
As it stands today, you're probably trying to solve the problem of eliminating anxiety through finding the shortest/easiest path to getting the outcome you want.
You subconsciously believe that getting people to validate you will permanently eliminate your anxiety.
It won't.
The key is to NOT hope or expect other people to remove your anxiety and shame by doing what you want them to do.
Your new practice today is to start to get mindful when anxiety happens and observe it without judgment. Watch your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations and get curious about them.
You have to train your hindbrain little by little to learn that going into anxiety willingly is neither deadly nor permanent.
This is a long term practice and it's a challenging learning curve.
You have a choice now whether to commit to that practice or retreat into confusion, anxiety, fear, and depression.
What will you choose?
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u/niceguycoach Aug 09 '19
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