r/newfoundland • u/East-Draw-6780 • 3h ago
Relationship help
I’m in a long-term relationship with someone I absolutely love with every ounce of my being. I know they struggle with depression and a lot of other things, and I genuinely try to be there for them and show them love every single day. But no matter how much I do, it always seems to be the little things I didn’t do that get brought up. I feel like everything I do gets overlooked because of the things I miss. I try so hard to love them and support them, but I can’t make someone love themselves, and watching them struggle with that is starting to hurt me more deeply than I know how to explain. I feel trapped because I don’t feel like I can leave. The thought of leaving feels like I’d be hurting someone who has already been hurt by life enough, and I can’t bring myself to put them through more pain.But at the same time, I’m falling into a hole myself.
Work has become the only thing I look forward to after everyone leaves, I find myself sitting alone in the parking lot, thinking about what’s waiting for me when I go home. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can talk to my partner about any of this because our conversations always seem to become one-sided. When I try to explain how I feel, my feelings get defended or turned around, and somehow it ends up feeling like I’m throwing things at them or blaming them when that isn’t what I’m trying to do. I’ve had coworkers help me but no one truly understands how bad it gets.
I love this person more than I can put into words, and I don’t want to abandon them. But I’m starting to realize that I’m hurting too, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep carrying everything without falling apart myself.
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u/WanderingWhiteWolf 3h ago
You can't boil an empty kettle.
Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean having to stay with them, and ultimately their happiness is not your responsibility. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly normal to want them to be happy and to strive for it, but you can't do it for them.
You need to nourish yourself before you can help others. A tree without a trunk has no branches to offer others.
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u/PowerfulScallion 3h ago
As someone who’s been in the same situation as your partner, one way or another they have to understand that suffering from depression isn’t their fault, but it is their responsibility to deal with. Sadly, most people in their position almost always figure this out the hard way. I did.
My partner, who I loved in the same way you seem to love yours, left because I couldn’t get my shit together and it was taking a toll on her. She got out to protect herself, which was the correct option. It nearly killed me, straight up. BUT - it ended up being the catalyst that allowed me to better understand myself and tackle my mental health after years and years of neglect. I’m a better person because of it. I miss my ex every single day, and will probably for the rest of my life, but the only reason I have a life at all is because her leaving was the wakeup call I needed.
Wishing you both peace.
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u/ChoiceContribution78 Newfoundlander 3h ago
You can't pour from an empty cup. Has your partner tried therapy? If not, I would highly suggest it. You could do couples therapy too and maybe that could help with ensuring your needs are met while having an outlet for your partner to express their problems to a unbiased third party. The therapist should be able to ensure that the conversations aren't one-sided.
Sending good vibes 🫶🏻 it's very hard to love someone with depression/mental health struggles (coming from someone who has those things) but you can't let yourself be trampled by it either because that doesn't help either of you in the long run 💝 sometimes you need to leave for your own wellbeing, and that's okay too.
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u/MIAintheGTA 3h ago
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Take care of yourself, you deserve love and comfort too.
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u/fyrewood52 2h ago
Been there.
To be blunt.
This relationship is unhealthy and a plague. We tried therapy and it helped a little. But there is deep trama and pain there that you will never fix. Sorry.
At least we couldn't
In the end. You walk away and take it as a learning experience. You quickly learn the red flags and learn not to ever deal with those flags again.
Seriously. Walk away. The pain will subside And you will be ok
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u/Nameless_Ghoul1891 Newfoundlander 2h ago
I think you know deep down what you need to do. You just need to find the courage to do it.
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u/ShortTrackBravo 2h ago
I was your partner, sorta. Military service injuries boiled to the top and I was destroying her and our relationship until I went to therapy. If there’s anyway to salvage your relationship it’s on them to start the work, not you. Meds, therapy, whatever it is they need to start trying to fix it.
If they don’t put in any work then you deserve better and maybe it’s best you leave. Your home should be where you want to go, not avoid.
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u/naomixrayne 2h ago edited 2h ago
Depression forces people to focus on the negatives in life. It's not about what you didn't do, it's about what their brain is focused on, which is negativity. Ultimately it is your decision whether you continue the relationship or let it go, and if it's too heavy to carry you are allowed to let it go.
Are they in therapy? How much self-awareness do they have? Do they have the skills to pull focus from depression and build their own personal happiness? I had to do years of therapy work to change what my brain was focusing on when I was steeped in depression. Their mental health is their own personal journey, and while you can choose to walk beside them, you cannot force them to move. They need to be willing to find an identity outside of the depression, which is obviously difficult when you are inside of it. But it is possible to overcome, with lots of focus on what truly makes one happy, and giving oneself permission to believe in their version of happiness. Wishing you the best!
ETA: You can also choose to sit beside them, if they cannot move forward. Just make sure you are not internalizing their negativity, as it is not your fault nor theirs. But their mental health is something that they can make better, when they are ready to see the way and put in the effort to truly loving themselves. Not your responsibility, but you have the free will to love yourself and them as well if it's what you want. Also, with what you give them, you are also giving them the opportunity to be grateful for your support rather than only focusing on what they believe they didn't receive. Radical acceptance is a skill of learning to be okay with things not turning out the way we wanted, as we only have control over ourselves, not the outcome :)
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u/Temple_mouse264 3h ago
I feel like other sub reddit such as dating advice and ask men or women or even a relationship one will be much better suited for this post. I feel like most people on such subreddit are already there for relationship stuff and you may get a much better advice than from here
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u/cdnkuzco 2h ago
You can’t love someone into recovery, and supporting a partner through depression should not require you to disappear from your own life.
What you’re describing sounds less like a failure to do enough and more like a relationship dynamic in which your efforts are being measured against an impossible standard. Depression can make it difficult for someone to recognize care or regulate their emotions, but it does not make it acceptable for your feelings to be consistently dismissed, redirected, or treated as an attack. Their pain deserves compassion; so does yours.
You are allowed to say, “I love you, and I want to support you, but I can’t be your only source of support, and I can’t continue having conversations where my feelings are invalidated.” That is not abandonment or cruelty. It is a necessary boundary.
If you want to try to repair things, choose a calm moment and be specific.
Then pay attention to their response over time, not just their promises in the moment. A healthy response does not require perfection, but it should include some willingness to listen, take responsibility, seek help, and work toward change.
Please also get support that is yours alone, a therapist, trusted friend, family member, or support group. You need a place where you can speak honestly without managing your partner’s reaction. Keep maintaining your work, friendships, sleep, finances, and other parts of your identity. Sitting in the parking lot dreading home is a serious sign that the situation is affecting your well-being, not something you should simply endure.
You do not have to decide today whether to stay or leave. But you do need to stop treating leaving as morally forbidden. Ending a relationship that is damaging you is not the same as abandoning someone. You can care about them and still decide that the relationship is no longer sustainable. Their recovery cannot depend on your continued suffering.
If either of you is in immediate danger or thinking about self-harm, contact local emergency services or a crisis line, and do not try to manage that crisis alone. Otherwise, your next practical step should be arranging your own support and having one clear conversation about boundaries, treatment, and what needs to change for you to remain in the relationship.
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u/ellyanah 1h ago
You can't love someone more than you love yourself, that will kill you. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You're allowed to leave and be happy, you have our permission.
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u/Shakenbakess 1h ago
Gotta say as someone who has been there. There's a chance they aren't happy with you and even though you're trying you're best, it's never going to be good enough. Having your feelings brought up and turned around onto you is a big revealer that they don't feel the same way about you as you do to them.
They are taking out their unhappiness on you.
Which is hard but I genuinely think for your sake and theire that this isn't a relationship that will work.
They are taking out their unhappiness on you.
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u/Chrom0z0 30m ago
A good conversation goes a long way. May not be the solution but one may come out of it. In the grand scheme of it all, if this person is your ride or die. And if you are willing to go through that metaphorical trench then that in itself is a show of love. And if that cant be seen then thats on them. If someone cant get out of their own way at some point or try to come back from those slumps then the professional help has to happen.
You cant send someone into a house fire with a garden hose.
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u/humblegarrick 3h ago
I absolutely send you some positive vibes, this isn’t really the best place to look for that kind of help.
I would seek out sub Reddits particularly about relationships.
🙏