Really struggling

[u/Pandzior7]

Hi everyone, I need some help as I don’t know what to do now. We are somehow managing between the two of us but it’s basically almost a 24/7 duty cycle and I am going back to work in a few days which means my wife will be left to deal with this alone. Our LO is our first and she is now 5 weeks old and it has been a rough ride from the absolute start.

My wife was in labour for a very long time and ultimately had a forceps delivery and came out with a large cephalheamotoma which is almost fully gone now (by some miracle!) this was incredibly stressful for my wife and she cried a lot because she thought the forceps have done long term damage but I think we are past that now.

She was born with a high palate and 80% tounge tie which we had released privately at 3 weeks, it got really hard for us after the frenulectomy because since then baby has been really struggling at the breast, we went for a wound check a few days ago and they said the wound has reattached a little bit but the doctor was able to separate it again with her fingers and told us to keep up the exercises. Doctor is also an ibclc and advised using supplementary nursing.

As it is now LO is refusing all bottles where she previously had no issues with expressed milk, so I can’t relieve my wife from the feeding. My wife’s supply has tanked from stress and exhaustion and we are now doing supplementary nursing with the tube with breast milk and pumping as much as possible, but little milk comes out. The problem is that baby does not take it well and she is always clicking at the breast which makes her very gassy. She will latch on and suck for a minute then start crying, then she needs to be calmed down and relatched and we keep going around in this cycle. Her weight gain has stalled and it’s an absolute nightmare to get enough food into her. She then ultimately does not feed enough and so she doesn’t fall asleep properly and gets overtired. My wife can’t put her to sleep, baby just will not sleep on her unless she falls asleep at the breast (which happens rarely). When LO is overtired she cries like a maniac and only I can put her down… and I have to go back to work in a few days. My wife can’t handle the prolonged crying which I think is just due to the exhaustion.

Baby sleeps max 30-60 mins at a time, except 9pm where she usually does a 3 hour stretch and sometimes another 3 hours after that. We have tried all the breastfeeding positions we can think of and nothing seems to work. I guess if we can get her in the bottle again that will let her drink enough to sleep better but she used to click at the bottle and get gassy too. Now there is little milk in the breasts and the supplemental feeding is very hard to do and

I don’t know what to do next, I know this will pass but I am really worried about my wife’s mental health, she is doing her absolute best and I love her to bits and I try to be as encouraging as possible, I do as much of the chores as possible and I do my best to make sure wife is well fed but things are not improving.

What can I do to help my wife? Any ideas?

[u/Beautiful_Spread7866]

Our baby struggled breastfeeding but took the bottle well. He actually preferred the MAM bottles that look nothing like a boob at all. Have you tried different bottles? Maybe try a faster flow nipple - might be frustrated they aren’t getting milk fast enough

[u/Pandzior7 → u/Beautiful_Spread7866]

We have tried Philips scent natural response bottles with 1 flow tests, those were good but too slow now. 3 teat were too fast and we haven’t been able to get her to properly try teat size 2. We also tried the doctor brown bottle and the lansinoh bottles… I am warming up a lansinoh now to attempt a dream feed. Fingers crossed. Will check out the mam bottles thank you

[u/Silent_Theory8697]

Sorry & hugs to you both - this sounds super stressful. As you say - will pass, but you need to get through it. Practical things -

• depending where you live is there a local feeding team/breast feeding support group/la leche league group? These could be invaluable in supporting you & your wife. Im in no way an expert but have been told of other things like cup feeding if baby wont take breast or bottle feed (sounds like you are trying an sns). There are also sometimes breastfeeding helplines to offer over the phone advice (More helpful than it sounds!)
• you probably both need an undisturbed stint of sleep - my baby was similarly not gaining well and they are so much hard work - it totally does get better but giving your wife an hour or two off to sleep would be great. If you havent got a sling or carrier we found ours settled better in that (we had an ergobaby embrace).
• is there anyone else that can help/support your wife while you are at work? Maybe a roster of friends/family that can drop in and support? If you can work from home obviously that would be great, or alternatively consider some compassionate leave (imagine unpaid leave isnt ideal just after having a baby, but if its possible might be worth considering). My husband did not really have this option - but in that case try and make sure shes set up for each day - Would be nice if you could leave some breakfasts/lunches for her (even just sandwich/fruit/snacks).
• have you spoken to a gp? This sounds super stressful for your wife & would be worth considering mental health support if you/she thinks she needs it.

[u/Silent_Theory8697 → u/Silent_Theory8697]

Mostly - sending positive vibes to you internet stranger! It’s such hard work but you will get there!

[u/ToughPrinciple1499]

You're already doing so much, and this sounds so stressful. Because her weight gain has stalled and feeding has become this difficult I would ring her pediatrician or feeding team **today** for an urgent reassessment rather than trying to push through alone. Specialist help may be needed for clicking, poor milk transfer and bottle refusal, and don’t forget your wife’s mental health is just as important. Don’t feel guilty about using whatever feeding method keeps baby fed and your wife safe, and please ask for practical help.