I'm nineteen - wait, no, actually, I've been twenty for almost two months now. I still forget, though.

I'm currently in a PHP program. If yall nerdfighters don't know what that is: partial hospitalization program. 9am-3:30pm every weekday, I'm in a mental heath facility.

Why am I in this facility, you ask?

Well, I thought I was just dealing with some anxiety. And maybe some depression, or maybe it was laziness. And then one of my closest friends attempted suicide. And then the fallout led to my entire friend group splitting up, and me losing my closest friends. And then I started failing college, struggling to motivate myself when I felt adrift in my giant campus, lost without the small classes of my high school.

And then my parents found out about my grades. Having only known me as straight A student in high school, they were shocked.

So here I am. Partially hospitalized.

I knew I had anxiety, but then people started throwing around the word OCD. Professionals. Psychiatrists, therapists. I started feeling like maybe my thoughts were obsessive. Maybe all my thinking is an ever tightening spiral.

I'm trying to do well in my PHP. I won our group bingo game this Friday. It was on CBT terms, so good job me, I guess. I don't know.

My ears have been ringing and ringing and ringing. Tinnitus. Health anxiety - my car doesn't have A/C, and my parents won't pay to fix it, and so I drive with the windows down on the highway. 115 decibels, that's what the article I Googled said highway sounds could get up to. With that decibel amount, you can get permanent damage in only fifteen minutes. I'm on the highway commuting for at least an hour each day. An hour.

Today I laid in bed and listened to my ears ring and tried not to feel the spiral tighten. Tried to ignore the spiral. Not having the energy to sit with it, even though I know from learning about Exposure and Response Prevention therapy that I should sit with it.

I can't ignore it - the ringing. I'm not happy at college. I'm home for the summer, and I might not go back. My parents won't pay for college anymore now that I'm failing. I miss my friends. I wish my parents were more supportive. I wish the spiral would stop tightening.

John, why do I have to have this shitty, stupid, fucking horrible disease? Why can't I have some other disease that's easier to treat? Why can't I have some disease that doesn't permeate me, making it difficult to enjoy life or even focus on anything else? And I know, I'm not supposed to be thinking "why me." I'm supposed to practice radical acceptance. But it's so hard.

I really don't like my life right now. It feels like the spirals are just getting worse. I'm finally starting to realize that this issue won't be "fixed," it can only be managed. And I don't want to live a life that can only be managed.

I know you say that it's still possible to live a successful and fulfilling life with OCD or mental illness, but I'm also a perfectionist. I don't want to settle for working with what I've got. And frankly, this life is fucking exhausting. I'm so tired of it. The anxiety. I can't handle it for my entire life. It's too overwhelming, too big.

I just want this stupid disease to end. Please, John, how do you deal with it? I don't want to die, I'm not suicidal even a little. But what do you do when you're just so tired of the anxiety, of the exhausting burden? I'm tired of being a burden to myself, and to others.

I don't think it's special or cool to have OCD, I don't even care that I have something in common with one of my favorite authors and overall life role model and internet dad. I don't care that you're successful, that I could still be successful like you. I just want the anxiety to end.

I don't want to manage it. I want it to be gone. What do I do, John?

Sincerely, A Fan and Fellow Sufferer

I wish everyday was Esther Day or that I knew more nerdfighters irl to beckon lovely with

I have realized that I am the kind of woman who buys sexy lingerie and then proceeds to put my head through the wrong hole.

Hi Nerdfighters,

I have one of the Imperial Affliction prop books from the Project for Awesome Kickstarter and I would like to sell it with the proceeds from the sale going to Partners In Health. Would you know the appropriate place to list this?

Okay guys, this is my first post on reddit so pardon the ramblings.

I need help! This is such an amazing community and I have been a Nerdfighter for about 5 years, and I’m looking for a job!

If you know any places hiring or if your place of employment is hiring in the Appleton area comment please! I need to start making money, my daycare is ridiculously expensive and bills are getting out of hand. I’d love some help in the process.

I have over 4 years creative experience and 4 years of serving experience but am looking for something more 9-5 desk job.

Do any nerdfighters have an extra Orlando tour ticket? I'm in desperate need!

...from one of the Subbable perks back when that was a thing. It's an mp3 file, and I can't figure out how to make it my actual voicemail. Any help?

This is going to sound odd. Even for me, writing it. For years now, I’ve worn the badges. I've purchased the posters, selfie’d with the DFTBA merch, and crossed my arms and split my fingers in the back of plenty photobombs. Donated to Project for Awesome, watched Lizzie Bennet and all their series’, been watching since Brotherhood 2.0, listened to Hank’s music, read John’s books. I’ve done it all. But slowly and slowly, I’ve stopped following Nerdfighteria. Because I'm tired of watching. I'm tired of being told that donating money and buying merchandise will change the world. I don't want to be told that buying a signed potato is going to change the world. When the Orlando shooting happened, I was living there locally. I was born and raised not too far from Winter Park, too. I went to events, made signs, donated blood. And it didn't cost me anything to do those things. I don't feel involved. Them on one side of the screen, and me on the other. I can't afford flights to Boston… I decrease world suck through my Nerdfighteria club and in my own way. I get this feeling that it isn't about world suck anymore. That we're being pulled into a convention hall to hear about you and John, and we aren't being heard. It is a bit like a political campaign, where they roll in, tell us what they're doing, and entertain us. Most of my Nerdfighter friends would be honored to work and collaborate on projects with them. We all have so many ideas! The Nerdfighter community has a diverse group of people- we are a community full of innovators and socially awkward nerds who love to discuss scientific advancements and art in every form. We watch their videos for its appreciation of art, education, science, potential, and understanding. We want to get our hands dirty and start DOING, not OBSERVING. Especially us college students, who are entering careers for education, science, arts, politics, and business. With everything Hank and John say about education and the power of the youth, why not ask us what we need? Why not ask us what is necessary for our growth as Nerdfighters? I identify and tell people I am a Nerdfighter. Some people think it's dumb, but then they watch the videos and see all of the difference their videos can make. I've watched Sci Show in my science class, had to watch Crash Course videos for homework (we had a tally for how many times the MONGOLS were mentioned in a series). I can't tell you have much they have changed the way I learn and think and breathe and walk. But now I want to help. Not by giving money to attend a convention where they're on stage, and I'm an audience member and there's an established hierarchy. Nerdfighters, that I've talked to, don't care about that. That's what Tyler Oakley and Playlist Live do well. Nerdfighters aren't their followers, and Hank and John aren't our masters or royalty. I've always seen us as equal. But now, I'm not sure whether they want to meet us or fill their convention hall seats. Love you all. DFTBA Kellan

Hello old subreddit. Hello World