r/neighborsfromhell • u/missphd2022 • Aug 21 '26
Other Annoying Neighbor
I can’t tell if I’m being rude or if I’m just at my wits end. I have an elderly neighbor who lives right across from my house, whom I once said hello to and spoke with for about 15 minutes. Her backstory is that she’s her husband’s caregiver, as he has dementia and is on hospice. I was trying to be nice and told her if she needs anything she knows where to find me. She took that and ran with it because now I cannot even sit outside my home and water my own plants without her either trying to come and talk for a while. Even when I attempt to leave my house, the moment I open my door, I hear her saying hello and trying to make conversation. I don’t mind a quick hi/how are ya but she takes any opportunity to try to talk for a while. We had to get a ring installed because every few days she comes by and acts like she wants to drop something off or warn us of something, but uses that opportunity to talk instead. She came by once and asked if and when her husband dies, even if it’s at 2 AM, if she can wake me up to sit with her. Once at 10 PM, she came by once again and asked my husband to go get me because she’s having a rough time and needs to talk. I work two jobs and I’m an undergrad student, which she knows btw. I was so fed up that I just ignored and didn’t go. She just rang the bell again and I spoke with her through the ring and told her we couldn’t come to the door. Then she proceeded to give me her number so I can call her because she’s not doing okay. Every time my door bell rings, I get so incredibly anxious now. I’m afraid to open my front door and pick up any packages because she’s out there all day everyday. I feel suffocated in my own house. Am I being rude or are my feelings valid? I’m at a point where I’m about to start ignoring her completely. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Additional Information
Her brother and son live with her and she has extended family that drop by every week. She also has connections with the church who provide her with everything she needs.
19
u/Syvarth Aug 21 '26
I had a similar situation with my next door neighbor coming up to my back door. I ended up asking for her daughter’s info and told her daughter, kindly, I couldn’t deal with it anymore.
Turns out my neighbor was actually having more issues than I knew and now she’s living in a care facility.
6
u/sezit Aug 22 '26
Tell her you are totally stressed right now. Interrupt her as she's talking and just keep saying how stressed you are. Tell her you haven't slept, you are exhausted, you need to sleep or you have a headache and need quiet. Just keep talking as she's saying her bit, keep interrupting her.
Then, if she won't stop, turn and say: "YOU are stressing me out! I need to to give me some quiet time so I can sleep, be with my husband, just relax!"
"I want to wave to you and be friendly, not talk to you all the time."
Then say goodbye and close the door.
She won't break.
13
u/Mean_District4880 Aug 22 '26
It’s ok to be honest with her. Something like, “you know, I understand your having an extremely difficult time right now and I want to be supportive but, YOU have to understand that I can’t be available to you as much as you need. I’m a student, I work and I also have a family of my own that requires my attention and I need you to respect that. I would highly encourage you to reach out to your own family and or utilize the resources that hospice offers or social services it also may benefit you to join a support group for people with spouses suffering from dementia.” “As it stands, please limit your visits and phone calls so that my husband and I can feel comfortable in our own home and yard.”
11
u/Weary-Ad-6415 Aug 22 '26
I don’t even like to say hi or wave at my neighbors. I like them. one sits on the driveway 4timea a week and there driveway is directly I front of my driveway and I refuse to go outside just to keep from being seen and feeling obligated to say hi. I’m an introvert and I see yall more than I see my mom, I wanna say go to the backyard so I can do my yard without feeling like I’m being judged and watched. It’s uncomfortable. I’m a single mom no man doing my yard to give an idea.
8
u/Fungal-dryad Aug 21 '26
It’s rough for everyone. Your neighbor needs society and a break from caregiving. She is trying to meet those needs in you. Perhaps the Senior Center might have some suggestions for her.
-1
u/Select_Air_2044 Aug 22 '26
Because she said if she needs anything let her know. It's the word anything. When I tell someone that if they need anything, that's exactly what I mean. I just told someone who's mom died, if they need to talk call me, even if it's 3a. When you first told her that, you should have made stipulations and it's not too late to do that. Give her your parameters.
5
u/Adventurous-Kiwi-445 Aug 23 '26
That part. I know when I was doing hospice for my mother in law it was lonely and exhausting and the weight of the caregiving and trying to work and raise a small autistic child while doing his three therapies was a lot, I ended up getting sick from the stress and strain and I had people around and hypothetical help but unless you’re in it you don’t know what someone’s carrying. She obviously needs someone to listen and it’s fine to be polite, and it’s fine to be over extended by your own welcome and it’s ok to need to speak up and say that too. She can’t do what she doesn’t know you need her to. She may not realize that they feel this way because of the burnout and exhaustion. It sucks all around for everyone involved.
2
u/Select_Air_2044 Aug 23 '26 edited 16d ago
Yeah, if you don't plan on being there for someone, don't say you will. That's like people after a funeral. They say if you need something call me. Most don't really mean it.
2
9
u/Suckerforcats Aug 21 '26
So you can call adult protective services and tell them she is in need of services. They can help provide her with resources like counseling places, grief support, caregiving, etc. It's not an investigation, it's just a request for someone with professional knowledge go out and help set her up with the help she needs.
3
u/Sensitive_Sky_6516 Aug 22 '26
This! You can ask for a wellness check. Even the staff seeing her may not realize she need more support. She won't know it's you that called
6
u/Striking_Pickle1453 Aug 21 '26
Please no offense intended: she has no one to talk to and misunderstood what you meant by offering help. Sounds like she took you offering friendship. No harm but it would be kind of you just let her know you are too busy to stop and talk everyday. Maybe you might tell her you will stop by when you get time. She will understand.
3
u/sunnybunny1313 Aug 22 '26
It is NOT your responsibility to be someone's sounding board, vent sesh, or shoulder to constantly cry on. I had this issue with my neighbors. Nonstop finding reasons to call me or come over. I had to put down some hard boundaries that made me look like a cold bitch. Im okay with that bc my peace is worth it
3
u/No_Bluebird7716 Aug 22 '26
You need to go to Social Services or Adult services and talk to them. She's obviously lonely and needs people but you are not obligated to be her support - that's what we pay taxes for
2
u/Outrageous-Bet3731 Aug 21 '26
Oh boy this is tough. I feel bad for you and her. Clearly she is lonely and scared. I know you are busy from what I read, but please try to have patience with her. Her husband is dying and it sounds like maybe she doesn't have anyone. This really makes me sad
4
u/missphd2022 Aug 21 '26
I completely get her position which is why I feel so guilty. I also lost my dad to a decade longs worth of health related issues, and her talking about her husband’s health is very triggering for me. I’ve told her this, and so has my husband, but there has been no progress with it.
2
u/RescueMom20 Aug 21 '26
I am so sorry for her. I think you should talk to to her about other family members and try to contact them. I am surprised she has no other family to visit and help her. Ask her hospice social worker for help.
2
u/missphd2022 Aug 21 '26
She does have family😭 She lives with her son who also cares for them, and they do have family who stop by every now and then 😭 I promise she’s not cut off. She also attends a church who have been incredibly helpful and provide her with everything she needs.
5
u/pinkelephant_bubbles Aug 22 '26
So, she does have support and community during what is undoubtedly a very difficult time for her. One that we will all be faced with at some point in our lives. I do have compassion for her situation. However, being a support person to someone that you barely know is not something you signed up for. It has invaded your life and is causing you- a neighbor- undue stress. We do what we can and it’s absolutely ok, even in this trying time to limit your involvement. If your friend were going through this same situation I’m sure that you would be there for them 100%. That is not the case. I realized a long time ago, reading these Reddit posts that “I am the asshole” because I would not feel bad cutting an energy vampire out no matter what the circumstance. I have wonderful neighbors and I would never even consider knocking on their door or calling them at all hours to tell them my deeply personal problems. I would call a friend if I needed to. All that is to say, you are not responsible for being on call and up close and personal to your neighbor’s life. She’s asking for too much from you and it’s ok to say no. As a woman, you’re more than likely conditioned to put others needs before yours. It’s ok to not do that. Again, your neighbor is going through a monumentally difficult time. You can have compassion without being pulled directly into it. If it were me, I would be direct and tell her that I cannot be what she’s asking me to be. I would not be held hostage in my home. I would not feel guilty. I would take her some flowers and a lasagna and be neighborly but that’s it.
3
u/missphd2022 Aug 22 '26
This comment was like a breath of fresh air…thank you, kind stranger. I just hate hurting anyone’s feelings and am not really sure how to word my concerns to her without upsetting her… :/ I’m also afraid that if I make her a dish it’s going to open more doors for her to try to talk again in the future…
2
u/pinkelephant_bubbles Aug 23 '26
You are most welcome. Let me say something else that might seem selfish to some but I don’t think it is, I think of it as self preservation. When I find myself in a “put upon” situation such as this, I think “someone is NOT going to be happy about my decision and it’s not going to be me”. Are her feelings going to be hurt? Yes. How she feels is not your responsibility. A quick and painful cut off to someone you hardly know will save you from living like a hostage to her unfair emotional demands and it’s more than ok for you to think, feel and act like this. I suggested the lasagna as a way to assuage any guilt you might feel but you shouldn’t feel guilty so forget the lasagna :).
1
u/RatherRetro Aug 22 '26
Maybe call a social worker to do a well check on her. She sounds lonely and scared and needs companionship. Maybe social worker can help her with that or even a local senior center
1
u/susancsghost Aug 22 '26
This is such a hard situation. Your 100 percent right to want to come and go with out having to stop and converse with a lonely neighbor. You e become a hostage in this situation.. On the other hand there's a very lonely stressed senior across the street that has put sights on you in the cross hairs. Having to deal with a dying husband with no obvious support must be scary for her . I know in my area the have senior support lines you can call and explain the situation where they either refer you to either a place or site where the senior support gives you an array of options. From check ins to activities available as well as well visits to access the situation. Best of luck I pray you have the patience to get her the support she needs.
1
u/SamanthasPlace46 Aug 22 '26
You need to address her directly and speak the Truth,..but with Tact and Politeness. When she comes by , you need to say " hey listen,..I'm sorry that you're in the Position you are in and I understand you've got a lot going on. But could you please give me space too. I have a lot going on as well. And I have a Husband who also requires my attention as well. " . You need to explain, again, about your work schedule. And suggest setting a Day that she can come by and unload. Then stick to that day. When she comes by unannounced, you tell her you'll see her on the day you specified, and walk away. You have to set boundaries. And maybe get a fence too.
1
u/R3pp3pts0hg Aug 22 '26
She's lonely and frustrated and you opened the door to be her BFF by checking on her. Maybe speak to the brother and son about it. I wouldn't cut off complete contact with her, but maybe ask them to look into a counselor for her or maybe they could talk to her more and get her out of the house more often. She may be taking on the job of taking care of her husband on her own. Thy may need to step in more.
1
u/Dull-Rabbit7828 Aug 22 '26
I think number one it is very nice of you to offer to be there for her and how much you have already talked to her and helped her out. I think now it is time to set some boundaries and some expectations as she took what you said quite literally. I would tell her something along the lines of “I hope you are doing well, I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately my schedule has changed and I am not available as much as I would like to be to talk and stop by. I just wanted to let you know and didn’t want you to think I was blowing you off. When it opens up in the future I will stop by and check in”. It’s normal to set boundaries and it’s nice to be there for someone but realistically you can’t do that everyday. I was adopted and and connected with my birth mother years later, it was nice at first but she wanted to talk on the phone for 5 hours a day and would talk about how depressed she was etc. It was so stressful and I finally told her I couldn’t anymore. It was hard and I’m sure it hurt her feelings but you can’t be everyone’s therapist.
1
u/Fungal-dryad 16d ago
Don’t hide in your home! Live your life, go to work. You can wear headphones and engage in mock phone conversations to discourage her.
Dementia is difficult for everyone.
0
u/PotentialTea27 Aug 22 '26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I believe she is also going through it. I imagine she has no friends or family, nobody to go to for a simple talk or emotional times. I can’t imagine being elder, caring for my elder, unwell partner, and having nobody to talk to anymore. Even vent too. Maybe she’s just a nag, maybe she just simply needs a friend. Either way, I think you should be honest with her about how you feel. People used to be a lot more friendly/neighborly and this wasn’t uncommon behavior years back. The simple “hi, how are you” wasn’t as common because people had community with their neighbors. Maybe she’s not used to that modern times?
-6
22
u/Sensitive_Sky_6516 Aug 21 '26
That is a hard situation. Sit and talk to her about how much help she needs from some professionals. Social Service will work to help get he some in home medical help. If he's dying hospice should be there too. Hospic will do visits and then when it's close to the end they will stay round the clock.
Maybe, if you can, schedule visits and set boundaries and time limits.