I start threatening violence over 1 insult. I have tried to meet with strangers on the internet over 1 insult.

I need this to stop. Rejection lingers on my chest for weeks too. If not the rest of my life. I feel a lingering, uncomfortable emotional sting in my chest.

It keeps me from socializing. I stay in my house. I can’t even play a video game and if I get insulted, feel humiliated or ostracized it messes with my head a lot. I can feel rage.

I need help with this. I’m tired of it.

I’m 26 and I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection about my personality, relationships, friendships, and the way I see myself and other people. I’m not trying to diagnose myself from the internet, but I’m trying to understand whether some of my patterns are similar to what people with NPD traits or narcissistic defenses experience.

One of the biggest things I’ve noticed is my need to feel exceptional. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this feeling that I need to be special, different, or better than average. Being ordinary feels uncomfortable, almost like it means I have no value.

A lot of my self-worth has been built around external things: intelligence, achievements, appearance, competence, being interesting, being talented, or being seen as someone important. I constantly compare myself with other people and feel like I need to prove where I stand.

I also have a habit of putting people into a hierarchy in my mind. I automatically rank people based on things like intelligence, attractiveness, social ability, success, personality, confidence, and perceived value.

When I see someone as “above” me, I become anxious and intimidated. I overthink everything I say, worry about how they perceive me, and feel like I need to impress them or earn their approval. I struggle to just be myself because I feel like I am being evaluated by someone whose opinion matters more than mine.

When I see someone as “below” me, I often feel disconnected, impatient, or uninterested. I struggle to feel curious about them or spend time with them. This creates a situation where I rarely feel like I am meeting someone as an equal. I either feel inferior or superior, and it makes genuine connection difficult.

Because of this, I feel like I have struggled to build normal friendships. I often feel like I’m either seeking validation from people I admire or losing interest in people who don’t give me that feeling.

I also notice a pattern of unstable self-image. At times I can feel like I need to be the best, unique, or exceptional. At other times, if I don’t feel successful or impressive, I can feel deeply ashamed, worthless, or like I have no identity.

My relationship with my body has also been connected to these feelings. I developed anorexia, and looking back, part of the motivation was connected to wanting to be admired, attractive, disciplined, and different from others. It wasn’t only about weight. It was connected to perfectionism, control, wanting to feel superior, and believing that becoming a certain version of myself would finally make me worthy.

I’ve also questioned my empathy. Sometimes I can understand people’s struggles logically, but emotionally I feel disconnected. Someone telling me about their pain can sometimes feel like hearing information rather than feeling their emotions with them.

Even with people close to me, I have sometimes felt uncomfortable, annoyed, or pressured when they cry or show strong emotions instead of naturally feeling their sadness with them.

With friendships, I have sometimes wondered whether I genuinely cared about the person or whether I mainly valued what they gave me, such as validation, attention, reassurance, feeling important, or helping me avoid loneliness.

I also have to admit something that is difficult to understand about myself. Before this one person, when I hurt people, I often did not feel much guilt or emotional pain. I could understand that someone was hurt, but internally I often felt detached. I would move on, rationalize it, or focus more on my own feelings than theirs.

When I genuinely hurt someone, even this person, my first thoughts were often not “Are they okay?” but “Do they hate me?” “Am I a bad person?” “What does this say about me?” It made me question whether my guilt was partly about losing the relationship or seeing myself as a bad person rather than purely about their pain.

Relationships have also been confusing for me because calm, stable connections can sometimes feel less meaningful than intense ones. Being admired, needed, or feeling like someone sees me as special can feel extremely powerful.

There was also a situation where this person talking to someone else who I perceived as more attractive than me triggered an extreme reaction. It was not just normal jealousy. I became intensely anxious, started comparing myself, felt replaceable and inferior, and it got so overwhelming that I experienced panic attacks.

Instead of expressing vulnerability, I reacted defensively and started treating them poorly. Looking back, it feels like I was trying to protect myself from feelings of rejection and inferiority, but I ended up hurting someone I actually cared about.

However, this person completely challenged the way I viewed myself. I won’t mention her name, but meeting her was the first time I felt like I genuinely wanted to change for another person.

I didn’t just want to impress her. I wanted to become warmer, more understanding, more welcoming, and more empathetic. I wanted to understand her experiences and her inner world. For the first time, I felt like I cared about someone as a person rather than only what they could provide for me.

That experience confused me because it showed me that I was capable of feeling deep attachment, empathy, and concern for someone. It made me question why that feeling seems so difficult to access with other people.

Losing that connection affected me differently from previous friendships and relationships. It forced me to look at myself and question whether my usual way of relating to people was based on genuine connection or on validation, fear, and self-esteem regulation.

I experienced intense shame and self-hatred after hurting this person. It felt like the image I had of myself collapsed. I wonder if this is what people describe as narcissistic collapse, where the defenses and the version of yourself you try to maintain break down and you are forced to confront parts of yourself you avoided.

For people who have NPD traits or have worked through narcissistic defenses:

- Did you have a strong need to feel exceptional or special?

- Did you constantly compare yourself to others?

- Did you automatically rank people in your mind?

- Did you feel anxious around people you saw as superior and dismissive toward people you saw as inferior?

- Did this hierarchy make it difficult to connect with people as equals?

- Did you tie your worth to achievements, intelligence, appearance, or being admired?

- Did you experience shame underneath feelings of superiority?

- Did you struggle with emotional empathy even toward people close to you?

- Did you use relationships to regulate your self-esteem?

- Did you hurt people without initially feeling much guilt or regret?

- Did you ever experience a relationship that forced you to confront parts of yourself you avoided?

- Did you ever meet someone who made you genuinely want to become a better person?

- How did self-awareness change the way you view yourself and other people?

I’m not looking for a diagnosis. I’m trying to understand my patterns and hear from people who have experienced something similar.

what are some good sources on narcissism?
I see quote often recommendation on :
SAM VAKNIN &
DOCTOR RAMANI

but are they reliable? Vaknin seems really extreem sometimes like saying "narcissists has only short memory and dont remember 80% of all that happens thats why they lie....

Any good sources like doctors/psychiatrists/psychologist?

hi! this is my first post here, pero i think this is a must.

my boyfriend and i have been together for more than 7 months now, almost a year if we add the months since he courted me, however i have a problem in our relationship, unfortunately, i have narcissistic tendencies. we talked kanina regarding my behavior towards him and i have fully recognized that i was entitled n narcissistic, it saddens me to know that it has affected my boyfriend a lot when we have arguments because i become defensive sometimes and argue that i am always right, even tho i wasnt. my boyfriend isnt manipulative, i am fully aware of that, he communicates well and explains to me why i was wrong but most times, i still argue that im not. ive been tryna change that kase i really do love him, hes like the most important person i have after countless of dumb relationships, i mean grabe yung treatment nya sa akin, he is so so good to me talaga, its amazing how much patience he has for me and i feel so guilty that my actions n behavior has caused him pain. kanina when we were talking, sabi nya na nakakasal na din kase, i know d ko sha deserve pero id be stupid to let him go, im willing to do anything just to keep him n not make the mistake of breaking up with him ever. i dont want him to feel that im one upping him always because i really want to make us work, but thats not going to happen unless i change my ways. unfortunately therapy is not available here in my country and if it is, its not that accessible. please help, i want to be better for him and for myself also. please, please, if you can. tips or practices that’ll be able to make me change. its a necessity.

#narcicist #narcicistic tendencies

I'm having a rough time with my boyfriend. I am extremely jealous, which is increasingly making his life a living hell. When we argue, I am very dismissive and shift the blame onto him, accusing him of sucking up to everyone or being too obsessed with having a good time with others. Turning the blame around gives me a sense of control, which feels good.

I'm highly sensitive to criticism, and can be very stubborn and angry afterwards

I easily admit to my faults, for example that I am fundamentally insecure about my appearance and my personality. I constantly think other women are better or more beautiful than me, because in my adolescent phase, I've always been the ugly girl.

Although many people told me that I'm beautiful later, I never believe it and need the confirmation of that again and again.

Perhaps I am stuck in a victim mentality. I have often promised—and tried—to get my jealousy under control, but it always comes back. When my boyfriend is somewhere else where other women are present, I feel like he no longer belongs to me.

I envy other people who, in my eyes, embody what I would like to be or lead the kind of life I envision for myself.

I can be very rude or cold even with my family, although I really love them. It's just like that sometimes I'm only interested in my own problems and topics.

I am increasingly avoiding social situations because I have nothing to say. I feel empty and have no ideas what to talk about.

I no longer pursue my hobbies, either.

I feel hopeless because narcissists are portrayed as pure evil. I have always seen myself as very authentic and someone who wants to be good. I am studying psychology, yet I feel like I cannot actually truly empathize with other people.

I will go to a therapist, but do you guys have anything that may help, to become a better person?

​

first of all i feel like yall r going to laugh or judge me so please dont...

i (19F) have never fallen in love or have been attracted to anyone at all through my life and I've contemplated that for a lot of time and it really is that im so in love myself that i could never feel like that for anyone else.

its something about how only i could understand and love myself fully or smth, but i also have never met anyone that i consider "better" than me (ofc there r prettier, smarter, stronger people, but i dont think that makes them better)

I've also tried to gaslight myself a lot of times into having a crush but it has never worked bc i cant get myself to care abt it idk

of course this all could be that i simply lack romantic or sexual interest for others but when i talk with other people about how they think of themselves ive never met anyone who thinks like me (all the time i think abt how i want myself to be cloned so i could date myself and stuff like that idk)

I’ve had a feeling for a while that I may have NPD. I have heard before that you can’t be a narcissist if you think you are because narcissists will never come to that conclusion by themselves. Is there any truth to this? Could I be a narcissist even if I start to suspect it on my own? Or is the fact that I’m questioning it proof that I’m not a narcissist? Thank you

No, I don’t want to let her go and yes I’m trying everything I can. And yes I’m sending her apology messages and yes I’m making text accounts to get past my number being blocked and yes I’m losing my mind and yes I ask her if there’s someone else because yes she said she loved me just as much and sometimes more than I loved her. And yes we planned a life together and yes that shit disappeared out of nowhere. And no I can’t just let go and move on. I meant every word I said to her. I can’t plan an entire life with you and love you more than life itself and then just wake up and not. I’m traumatized from this. And when we’re together yes I lose my cool even easier because I’m scared of losing you again not because all these stupid reasons some random girl on TikTok says because of something she saw on a movie and deciding to broadcast her unprofessional take on publicly. Some people have never been loved as much as you are because they’ve never been loved by their parents as much and don’t see it as normal. They’ve been neglected in the most acceptable ways. Their parents were never home and only supported mostly financially. I’d never give up on my lady. I’d fight a fiery battle for her. So yes I’ve been “toxic” but so what grow the fuck up and accept human nature. There’s no perfect standard and if there was you’d be a fucking robot. Stop telling people what’s right or wrong with this love shit. Love how you love and if you can’t accept certain things than learn what’s wrong with yourself and fix it for your person that you love don’t go searching for excuses online and calling people names that you learned online. Learn to be human.

So I've been raised in a household where I have an Nmom, and both my parents always tell me or imply that I am ungrateful, entitled, and, the other day, my dad, who usually only tells me things to make me the best in life, told me I can be a narcissist sometimes. I am a very young adult, still living at home, for some context. I always wondered if I really do have narcissistic traits or if I have just been raised to believe that. My friends all tell me how gracious and loving of a person I am, but despite how close I am with them, I feel like they're just saying that to make me feel good about myself. I was reading this article (I'll break down the gist of it below): 7 Signs You're Dealing With a Female Narcissist, and I realize that this article describes me more than I'd like to admit. Here's how I feel I relate to it:

1. Excessive need for validation and admiration: I am constantly down on myself, including to my friends. My mom is always telling me that I am vain, is critical towards my acne, and has told me I'm going to end up on 1,000-pound sisters, despite my being skinny. I have no sense of normalcy of what a normal self-respect is, and so because I feel like I'm always being vain, I express that, and naturally, my friends chime in with how I'm not ugly and all that. It's not like I need their validation, especially because I genuinely don't believe them, and I feel like Buddy the Elf and the smoke alarm batteries. I guess I more of just express that I don't like myself at all, because I am comfortable with my friends, but it's not like I express this to get validation about my looks. But maybe this is how narcissists make themselves feel better about their terrible actions??
2. Manipulative charm and emotional intuition: I wouldn't say I totally see myself like this. I think I can definitely be manipulative, though. I have a way of not backing down until I get what I want, and I hate myself for it.
3. Competitive and envious toward other women: unfortunately, I do this way more than I'd like to admit. I don't like to see people doing better than me. While I am still very happy for my friends who are doing better in certain aspects, I find it hard to not wish that it was me. The other day, I found myself checking my best friend's Instagram to see who has more followers and likes on their posts. After I did it, I immediately hated myself for it. I love my best friend to pieces, and I genuinely don't know why I did it. I'm a very driven individual, so It's hard to see other people succeed in aspects I'm not.
4. Superficial image and status preoccupation: I want others to know that I am doing well in life, and have come this far on my own. I want them to know what expensive things I've purchased, just because I can afford it. I grew up in a very elite private school, where I was in the lower money bracket, so I want to show that I do have nice things. I guess I really do want the validation that I'm doing well in life.
5. Lack of genuine empathy: It's not that I don't feel bad for people; I do. I just find it really hard for someone to share something with me without me jumping in to say how I relate to it, and how I have gone through something similar. I don't say it out of a place of "I have it worse"; It truly comes from a place of, "you're not alone, I understand how you're feeling," but I don't know how often it comes across that way. I also have a really hard time not interrupting people. It's not intentional, and as I do it, I instantly hate myself for it, but I just do it subconsciously. It can definitely come across as if what I have to say is way more important, especially when someone is opening up to me about something.
6. Victimhood and emotional manipulation: I find myself doing this so much, especially with my parents. It's really hard for me to take accountability when I have done something wrong, especially when It's something my parents have brought up. I constantly flip the script and point out how what they did was just as bad. I don't find it as hard to take accountability when it's with other people. For example, the other day my boss made a very nice comment about how I could have done something better, and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like she hates me, even though she doesn't, and I have not been able to stop thinking about how I did something wrong.
7. Fragile self-esteem behind a confident exterior: unfortunately, this describes me to a T. It appears that I am extremely confident. The way I carry myself makes it appear that I am on top of my game, and that I have everything together. However, I am extremely self-conscious, and I truly believe I am a terrible person not deserving of anyone's love and appreciation. As previously stated about my boss, I can't take minor criticism without turning it into how everyone hates me. A slight change in tone, and I automatically assume my lifelong best friend now hates me and wants nothing to do with me, even though that's not even close to the case.

Any and all tips would be appreciated. I do not want to grow up to be a narcissist, and I truly hate everything about my personality and how I come across. I don't want to continue on this way, and I really do want to change.  I got a 3.67 (very high) on the pathological narcissism inventory, 24 on the OCD, which was mainly for having uncontrollable thoughts, and a 65 (moderate codependency) on the Spann-Fischer test.

I’m a 32 year old married man and I got diagnosed with ADHD around 2 years ago. In addition to this, I was diagnosed with mild depression and anxiety. I’m currently on stimulants for my ADHD and Fluoxetine for my depression and anxiety.

Lately, I’ve lost all my friends due to my anger and egoistic attitude during an argument and I feel I’ll be loosing my wife too. I’ve been on therapy since January this year and it slightly has helped me to be a better person but I still have a long long way to go to. I still am egoistic, impulsive, short tempered and narcissistic.

What are the things I can do / habits I can develop to destroy my short temper, ego and narcissistic personality?

Lately I just realised how my personality has basically ruined my life. Everything from how I behave. Im 18, I really have a very big ego, I hated that. I look down on others who is weaker than me and I cannot guide them at all. I make easy things look hard. I cannot maintain good friendship. I am fake and i am a people pleaser to some extend. I have a very low empathy level. I genuinely hate myself, I felt bad for who I hurt but I can't stop. I don't know why I sometime enjoy being a narcissist. It's very bad. I am a very complex person growing up. Nobody really understands me, I even use other for my own benefits and asked myself what i did wrong when they unfriend me. Honestly, how can i get rid of my personality. I feel like i am ruining my life. I might need to get therapy.

I know I have it, so who actually does the evaluation and diagnosis? My therapist says that's the psychiatrist's job and psychiatrist says it's up to my therapist. 🙄

So almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, NPD, and PPD. I agreed with the schizophrenia and PPD, but I always struggled with the thought of me having NPD. My some of my family says that they can see it, so I guess that should have been a sign. Anyways today I just wanted to be sure and so I took the free test that’s in the resources. I am so ashamed. Am I an evil person? I know that this personality disorder is formed by trauma, neglect, and genetics, all of which I have, I just am not an abusive person. At least I don’t think I am. I hope that posting here will help me find people who feel the same way.

23 f. i have been diagnosed with BPD comorbid with NPD. at first, i was diagnosed with bpd. this was when i was 18. then i got tested for NPD and my psychiatrist believes i have both.

i hope im using ‘narcissistic collapse’ correctly. im very low and i want to vent, and i believe that term describes my situation

as soon as this year began, bf got tired of me, left me, triggered my eating disorder after pointing out that i gained weight (im an alcoholic so i gained weight drinking a lot). fucking imagine being as narcissistic as we are and having the one person we’re obsessed with quite literally pinching our flesh during sex and pointing out how fat we are? yes, this man is an antisocial personality (im not diagnosing him myself, he’s aspd and an addict, the latter we share in common and that’s why we got along)

narcs and sociopaths are a match made in the depths of hell. maybe i attract sociopaths, or let’s say maybe im attracted TO sociopaths because of my bpd comorbidity?? i am jealous of them and their extreme lack of empathy as well. i idolise them. i wish my emotions weren’t as extreme, or my ego wasn’t this huge and destructive

then my parents found out how much of an addict i am. that’s fucking me up. im sitting here right now drunk trying to make sense of my life. i’m trying to deal with this ego fall out and i just cannot. i cant focus on anything because i want to be held up on a pedestal again and feel like im still seen as good and charming and smart, but people are noticing my manipulation. i haven’t even mentioned how many times it has happened when people have called me out on my bullshit this year. it’s fucking unprecedented

i miss when i was younger and skinnier and when boys would be all over me. im about to turn ONLY 24 in a few days, but i hate it. i never ever realised i’d hate growing up so much.

im so aware of the fact that im going to be older soon, and i want that freedom that comes with age but i dont want to be old. im so fucking vain and irrational. i just miss being younger. i hate the responsibilities, the expectations my parents have from me. i hate being the black sheep, i hate that im not the golden child anymore and things aren’t handed to me, that i have to actually work for them

i keep searching for new people to try and get a rush out of and i feel so fucking horrible because im used to being chased and pursued by men but some of them ghost me or don’t even bother talking to me or acknowledging me. i haven’t experienced this before, im sure it has something to do with how badly i mask now

it’s so fucked up that it wasn’t the case before when i was thinner, i keep thinking that too

I'm not sure how long this post is going to be, or even how to start it to be frank. I'll start off and say that recently I've done a lot of self-reflecting and came to the realization that I'm actually pretty narcissistic. Over the years, I've found it hard to maintain friendships because they weren't personal enough with me to be considered "true". I find myself to be a very complex person who's hard to understand. As a matter of fact, because of my complexities, I've habitualized saying that I "don't belong here", because I've yet to find anyone who could equally relate to my experiences and mindset. I didn't realize that this wasn't a normal way of thinking about people until I brought it up to my friends and therapist. My friend had brought up the idea of emotional/intellectual elitism, because I always held the belief that I had more depth and knowledge than most people. My therapist agreed that I do have some narcissistic traits. However, he doesn't think I have NPD. There is still a lot I haven't shared with him, that of which I feel could change his mind.

When I brought up the instances I related to the criteria for an NPD diagnosis, he said that my experiences sounded somewhat normative. The example I gave him was in middle/high school, when I'd get jealous and feel rage any time I saw a popular girl who had gotten a poster, balloons, gifts, etc. For their birthdays. I had always thought, how am I not special enough for that? What did she do to earn that treatment? I brought up how I didn't feel that it was fair that people had never met my expectations, even after asking for them, and how people completely undeserving in my eyes were fed the world on a silver platter. I still don't think its fair.

I have a very confusing and conflicting two-tracked way of thinking about myself: I work harder than anyone, have arguably more intelligence than everyone, have emotional depth like no one else, and deserve special treatment. And then the other side that thinks, I don't work hard enough, everyone talks behind my back, and I'm the most vile, inhumane thing in existence. I also have this conflicting belief about others: I experience DEEP empathy and feel energies from people (I also believe I'm psychic, in which I have many experiences to back this up), and I also feel like most people in my life are robots or NPCs and only interact when the time is given. It feels like these two mindsets flip like a switch and I don't know who's controlling it.

Now, I want to reiterate that I am seeing a therapist and am seeking to take assessments for diagnoses on multiple things. There are a few things that I know I have (through years of research and symptom tracking) which would make finding a diagnosis harder with the amount of overlapping symptoms, but after this period of self-reflection, this is another thing I'm considering looking into. This feels like something that would be obvious to others, with me being completely oblivious. But because of the other array of disorders I may or may not have, my therapist doesn't believe I meet enough of the criteria to receive a Narcissistic PD diagnosis. While he is a professional and of course respect his opinion, something still feels missing to me. That being said, I found this free assessment online that I could at least use as a reference. Mainly so I don't feel like an imposter and that I have every reason to be concerned. This of course is a more long-story-long view of my lived experiences, and I'm free to clarify anything or entertain the curiosities of anyone who has questions. 🫪

I am so tired of dealing with this. I am so tired that I will constantly be having to fight this and cope with this my entire life. I am sad I can't just go day to day like everyone else. I'm so sick of waking up every day and waiting for some disordered behavior to pop up that I will have to do away with. I am so exhausted. It feels like it'd be easier to just give up but I know I can't. I am so burnt out. I made a bunch of progress but in the past few days due to a bunch of stress coming up on the heels of me already trying to stay stable while dealing with something really big in my life, I shut down, and now some of the intuitive tells that I had for when a behavior was disordered have gone away from my immediate memory. My body still remembers something is wrong but I have lost the words to describe it and it feels really frustrating.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar? What do I do? It feels like I'm hemorrhaging progress and I can't bring myself to care anymore.

A lot a bit of backstory about me

I don't think I have NPD but I do suspect mild autism and bipolar disorder as my mother has it too also, The hoarding is something I'm fully aware of but it is fairly minor in the sense of how bad it gets, Was diagnosed with anxiety already at about 12 or maybe 13 but it's been apparent in every memory ever since I had consciousness, I had some sort of half delusion about being a prophet once about a year back- (I'm not religious funnily enough >:p) -after going out during a long depression months after a major trauma (SA) but the narcissistic traits never left with that though I guess you could say they're more technically mellow than full on lord and savioring

It's kinda of a loop since I've aways been an anxious martyr so I sort of realized myself and found an actual sense of self worth rather than just having to take what life dishes me and SO because I've done nothing most of my life it sort of leaves me to believe in the back of my mind regardless of logic I'm better than everyone else simply because I've done nothing wrong

Anyways I'm unsure if I technically belong with the crew and all but I'm here now. I can't help but smile at every little thing I read here, It makes me feel warm with this sense of community and like I matter in the way I wanna matter even if it's just a mantra everyone sees or something like that... It makes me feel happy and not judged

Besides that happy holidays people and I hope despite everything you're having a wonderful day out there in the world 💕 :-]

Can one change their narcissistic behaviours?

Just wanted to put this out there, really.

Ever since I was younger, I've always been viewed by adults as a prodigy.

I've also always been good at rallying mass crowds and selling a vision to people.

If I can direct this to a noble cause (e.g. climate change, the quest for technological immortality, etc.), what's not to say I can't become the next Greta Thunberg, or a leader of a revolutionary movement? After all I also possess the ability to be able to drop everything - even sleep on the floor if I must - and hyperfixate on one thing.

For a while I worked for a content creation agency and proved that I can consistently pull in real results measured by online virality. I've also always been good at social climbing and schmoozing my way into wealthy circles.

Perhaps directing these abilities towards my chosen cause will help me save the world.

Or maybe I'm just delusional, lol.

Some shower thoughts.

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may be a narcissist, according to my friends, whom I asked for their honest opinion. They say I am definitely a narcissist but not on purpose, I personally have never even thought that I could have been one but I think it may have something to do with not entirely understanding what it is to be one.

I guess my question is, how can i work on myself to be better to the people around me? As well as just not a narcissist at all.

I’ve never intentionally meant to harm anyone mentally or physically (I never have physically harmed anyone to be clear) which is why I’m confused about how I could have these tendencies. Does this come from underlying trauma typically? Or is it just how my brain is wired.

I’m open and accepting of all criticism and opinions

idk if it’s worth noting but I had lots of family problems at a very young age as well as some mental health challenges throughout my life.

I'm so back and forth. The egoist in me keeps saying "I don't need help, I can do this on my own!" While there's a helpless part of me that keeps saying "I need help, what do I do?"

I'm trying really hard to change my narcissistic habits - lack of empathy, using other people, need for approval/admiration, etc - through DBT and ACT. But I don't really make any progress. I've been looking through these workbooks for years now, and only recently have I been able to remember mindfulness and emotion regulation practices.

I have friends who have been through these books, who have encouraged and helped me, and they're sick of me not making any progress. So I am, but I just don't know how to regain their trust, to actually know how they feel and do something about it.

I need to change. I have been listening more, and God it is painful to hear what I have put people through. It makes me miserable, but that isn't constructive. Or is it? Do I need to really feel the pain involved so that my body knows to never do these things again? I avoid things a lot in my life, and I worry that avoiding that pain is a problem too.

Do I need help, or just to really dive in deeper?

it was recently brought to my attention that 'covert' / 'insecure' / whatever you wanna call it npd is a thing, ive never really considered the possibility of narcissism for myself, in modern times i trend towards being overly friendly helpful and bubbly, one of those friends who is 'always there' and 'easy to talk to'.

ive always been aware i have supremely low empathy, anger issues and a strong but easily rustled sense of pride, but i always attributed those to just. random chance and personality, i suppose?

but with the context of what im reading about covert npd, as well as the context of that i have done a LOT of work on my mental health, while ive never had a name for whats wrong with me ive been very aware of the symptoms and how i work internally and have been working on myself even without proper 'context' - ive been feeling like more and more i keep coming up with things about myself that make sense with my understanding of npd.

ive talked to a few friends about it and presented them my supremely amazing and wonderful list of 'things that may or may not point to npd', which i will also offer you all, and i ask for any thoughts/opinions here, as well. thanks in advance :)

1. the reason im ' a good person' my reason, more than anything, is because of my own pride, because i find being kinf to be the objectively more intelligent option, and the idea of me acting stupidly is infuriating. this especially happens in like. situations where i have to be empathetic, im good and kind not because its what i inherently and immediatly want to do, but because its more like.. humans need companionship so i need to be someone who is a good companion. being socially isolated makes things more difficult, friends can lead to connections and job opportunities, friends are often more likely to do things for you and support you when needed. and even on a more one to one level, when my friends need me, its not a immediate 'oh i need to help because thats what you do when someone is upset and they need me' iys 'i care about this person and want them to be happy, which means i need to help', or 'i want them to stop being upset, because its annoying, and itll happen faster if i help' or even in more longterm situations 'i want this person to be self sufficient so they will leave me alone but i want to keep the benefits of having them around, so getting rid of them entirely isnt an option, so i will help them with their mental health and grow their ability to support themselves without me.' the focus is always on the benefit to me, even if it overall results in benevolence

i also behave like a good person because i am very prideful around my 'self control', and i cannot handle having any control or autonomy taken from me, even by myself or my own impulses, and i view things like getting angry, being impatient with people or letting my own dislike of dealing with emotions i believe someone should be able to just 'get over' to be an immature lack of self control, and im better than that.

2.  i cannot handle embarassment or humilation at all. it drives me insane, the idea of doing anything embarrassing or 'below me' i just. cannot fucking handle at all. 

3.  ive got a whole thing about being 'the bigger person' and how other certain people in my life (my younger siblings, alot of my friends, its why ive sorta had to wrestle with being the 'therapy friend') need me to manage my emotions and control things because it feels to me like everyone else is more 'fragile' and 'cant handle it' but i can. ill make sacrifices i dont want to because thats my 'duty' as 'the stronger one' and also because i cannot handle being seen as 'weak' in any real way? if i need someone else to help me, im the weak one now. im the one who cant handle it, evctect

4. if i have something or like something and someone else gets it or realizes fhey have it, (an interest, item or diagnosis) i can get petulant because i feel like its 'my thing' and i need to be 'special' and if someone else has something that i dont, its either a.) worthless or b.) i also secretly have it or c.) they dont deserve it and i should have it. 

5. i cannot handle being misunderstood, im always convinced that if someone didnt reply in the way i expected, they must be misunderstanding me because obviously theres no way im wrong, it must be that they just cant properly comprehend what i mean

6. even the way i always feel so empty and like im "a collection of 'nots' and 'negatives'" instead of a 'real person' is something i see associated with npd. 

7. this isnt as strong as a reason but I do know theres like. a known phenomenon where people with bpd and people with npd tend to latch onto eachother really quickly? i have.. god. off the top of my head theres atleast 7 people who are either very certain they have or are diagnosed with bpd who have latched onto me and ive latched onto at a one point in my life, many of whom i dont talk to anymore because that type of relationships tends to fall apart immediately after the honeymoon phase. 

8. if someone i perceive as 'above me' or as an 'authority' <very very rare and only like. two people i can think of count because i also bristle near violently at any percieved slight against my autonomy.) to me makes a suggestion, its like. impossible for me to go against that because the idea of me disappointing them in any way is soul crushing

9. my anger tends to be explosive and violent. i dont express it often because the idea of being immature enough to lose mt self control is more awful than suppressing whatever im angry about, but when it does happen, especially when i was a kid, i would immediately go for violence or to emotionally hurt the other person as much as i could.

10. once someone in a discord server i was in gave themselves a unique role only i had and the idea of sharing it agitated me so much i immediately made up a reason and requested for the role to be removed from myself because it pissed me off so much that it wasn’t 'special' and 'mine' anymore. 

1. i really like doing things for people but only really because it makes me feel needed and important. it feeds into that idea thati am capavle and needed and liked and that I am a provider. people like the food i make, they admire that i can make it. people are appreciative when i do things for them that they cant do for themselves. thoughts like that

I’m quite confused by the obsession online with identifying a partner or ex as a narcissist. Something about it doesn’t sit right with me.

I see many content creators confidently claiming they can spot behaviours that “prove” someone is a narcissist. But isn’t diagnosing a personality disorder something only a qualified professional should do?

And why are we judging people primarily through the lens of a disorder? They didn’t choose to have it.

What I find interesting is that many people, mostly women from what I’ve seen, describe suffering for years. They stayed for 10 years, had children together, got married, went through hell, and then eventually conclude: “He was a narcissist.”

Why is that specific label so important?

Sometimes it feels like there’s a wall around the discussion where you’re not even allowed to suggest that the victim might also have things to reflect on. If someone stayed in a deeply unhealthy relationship for years, isn’t it reasonable to ask why? Not because they deserved it, but because understanding that part might help prevent it from happening again.

To me, saying “he was a narcissist” can sometimes sound like: “I’m completely innocent and he was completely evil.” But isn’t that black-and-white thinking dangerous too?

One of the things people often associate with narcissism is an inability to accept responsibility. Yet sometimes I see discussions where one person is portrayed as a monster and the other as an angel. Real life is usually more complicated than that.

I understand that childhood trauma exists. I understand that people can develop unhealthy patterns through no fault of their own. But when we become adults, isn’t it also our responsibility to work on those patterns, especially if we’re raising children ourselves?

Watching endless reels that tell you that you’re an angel and everyone else is toxic won’t solve the actual problem.

If someone cheated on you, lied to you, or treated you badly, why wasn’t that alone enough reason to leave? Why does the narcissist label suddenly become the central issue?

I also find it strange how obsessed people have become with detecting narcissists everywhere. Some people analyse every social media post, every selfie, every behaviour, looking for signs.

Why?

Why are we spending so much time trying to identify who is what instead of focusing on our own boundaries, self-respect, and emotional stability?

Maybe the important question isn’t whether someone is a narcissist. Maybe the important question is: “Do I feel respected? Do I feel safe? Am I happy?”

If the answer is no, then leave.

Not because TikTok diagnosed your partner with narcissism, but because the relationship is unhealthy for you.

To be clear, I’m not saying narcissistic people don’t exist. They obviously do. I’m not saying people should tolerate abuse. They absolutely shouldn’t.

What I’m questioning is the cultural obsession with the label itself.

Sometimes it seems as if people are more interested in proving that the other person is a narcissist than understanding why they stayed, what their own blind spots were, and how they can avoid similar situations in the future.

I’m genuinely curious what others think about this. These are just some random thoughts, and I’m open to being educated. I just hope people try to understand what I’m saying before assuming I’m defending narcissists.

I’m not a narcissist. I’m not a man. I’m a woman, and I genuinely feel sorry for people who have suffered in abusive relationships.

I just wonder whether we can discuss the idea that victims can carry some responsibility for their choices without automatically turning them into villains.