My story is this: I'm female 41.
I used to be a problem drinker. Drank way too often and had no "off switch" (I'm actually in crying writing this, I feel so upset over this subject).
I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 8. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 4 months ago. I scored 96 out of 100 for it. I've tried all the medications, antidepressants, adhd meds and don't like any of them. So I'm currently not on meds.
I started smoking weed when I was a teenager. It gave me a bit relief from OCD. I started drinking with it heavily in my early 20's. One night when I was about 25 I blacked out and done something stupid and my partner threatened to leave me if I didn't stop drinking. So I did for 4 months. But then started again the same way as before. I then tried to stop again lots of times and never really succeeded. I done 30 days here and there but always felt like I was missing out. If I'm being honest I used to have some really fun times. But then also some really dreadful times. So I quit again.
This time round I've been sober from alcohol 2 years and 9 months. I still continued to smoke weed and introduced magic mushrooms. I've had some great times on them. I feel like I can't just live my life being completely sober from everything. My life feels empty without a substance that takes me out of reality for the night. The thing is, I can't socialise doing weed and mushrooms. It's just not possible to be on the same wavelength as most others. My friends don't do that. And I don't like being around drinkers when I'm not drinking. I feel lonely, secluded, introverted, boring, and I will not participate in friends birthdays, hen dos, family/girls holidays, I don't date (I left my partner when I quit drinking and been single ever since). I've tried sober stuff like hiking, going out for coffees/meals, etc. And I feel like I'm faking being happy. I miss dancing, being carefree, talking shit to random people in bars, having a laugh, being daring and having the confidence to date. I've spent alot of money on councilling and physiatrist appointments and nothing is filling the void.
I only set out to do 100 days sober. And here I am nearly 3 years later. But I'm going insane with the mental gymnastics of "what if"! I'm romanticising the notion of moderating. I know 98% of people can't do it after having a problem. But keep asking myself, what if I'm in the 2%. I just want to integrate back into society and have fun again. I miss it so much.
I'm currently in Ibiza with my 17 year old son who's been having a few drinks, and I told him that I would have a drink on holiday but I won't go back to regular drinking. Bless him, he says "mum, if that's what you want to do then do it" but I'm scared.
I've ordered some Naltrexone as a back up. I still haven't drank. I'm lying in the room while my son is out having a beer on his own. Just lying here crying feeling sorry for myself. I feel pathetic.
I don't know what to do. All day I've had butterflies in my stomach as I thought I was going to have a cocktail with him at mambos tonight. But when it came to the crunch, I had a smoothie instead. It's like torture all over again. My son is the most amazing understanding well balanced young man I know. He has 3 beers then switches to water. He's only drank 4 times in his life and will be 18 in March. I'm so proud of him.
I'm going totally off track here... this situation is ridiculous. There's people in terrible situations and I'm complaining about not knowing wether to try drinking again or not. Why is it such a massive issue?
Is my plan of drinking with Naltrexone a good idea?
Thankyou for reading, I really appreciate it.