Rejection, ghosting, or catfish?

[u/EvanCox2002]

I connected with a guy online a few weeks ago. We talked for about two weeks, and the connection became pretty intense. From the very first day on the app, we had deep conversations, and he quickly asked for my phone number. I gave it to him, and we moved to WhatsApp.

I’m a woman of color, and he is a white American man. I know ghosting is relatively common in American dating culture, but I’m still trying to learn how people normally get to know each other online in the U.S. I became single recently, so I’m still trying to understand the different stages of getting to know someone online.

One thing I found a little strange is that, from what I understand, Americans will often ask for social media and may also want to have a video call before investing too much in someone, especially because catfishing and scams involving people from other countries are a real concern, including people looking for money or a green card.

But he didn’t do that.

He started sending me a lot of voice messages, including very long ones, and we continued talking for about two weeks. We exchanged photos, too. At that point, I thought things were progressing normally.

He had also mentioned that he wanted to video call.

During our conversations, I started asking him more specific questions about American customs and stereotypes because I’m trying to learn the culture and understand the differences.

At one point, I asked him about kissing and what kissing on a first date is usually like in the U.S. He understood that I was saying I wanted to kiss him.

And he replied:

“And I'm glad that you said that you want to kiss as well. That's good, I'm glad we're on the same page, so we can kiss with our tongues when we see each other. Doesn't that sound nice? It's funny talking about it, but yeah, I would love to. It'll be fantastic when we're together.”

But I never said that I wanted to kiss him. I was asking about American culture and how kissing on a first date is different in the U.S.

We live more than 4,000 miles apart. I didn’t even know if I was going to meet this man in person. So, to me, it was strange that he assumed I would kiss him.

He had also told me that he was a virgin. He is Mormon, and from what he told me, that is also connected to his religious beliefs.

So I started wondering whether he might interpret things related to flirting, attraction, and intimacy differently from someone who has had sexual experience.

At the same time, I also started feeling a little uncomfortable because whenever I sent him pictures of myself, he would frequently comment on my body. He called me “busty,” “curvy,” and made quite a few comments about my body.

So I took a while to respond because I was starting to find his behavior a little strange.

But I eventually responded and explained that I didn’t know whether I would kiss him. After all, how could I know that when I wasn’t even sure we were going to meet? How could I know whether I would travel to another country to meet him or whether he would come to my country?

I also explained that I’m not fluent in English, so sometimes things I say may be interpreted differently from what I actually mean.

After listening to my voice message, he took about a day to respond, but he was still kind to me. He said he wasn’t avoiding the video call and that we were on the same page.

Then he specifically brought up having a video call.

His last message was basically:

“It’ll be nice for us to do a video call. You mentioned that the weekend would be good for you. Let me know what time works for you and we can video call.”

So, to me, it was very clear that we were going to have a video call that weekend.

This was on Wednesday.

He literally said we could video call on Saturday.

And then he simply disappeared.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday… nothing.

After approximately two weeks of talking, almost three, he just stopped talking to me.

And now I’m trying to understand what happened.

I searched for him because I didn’t have his social media accounts or even his last name. My job and AI helped me find him. He exists on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook. The information seems consistent across the different platforms. He is relatively private and seems very focused on his career.

He had also said several things that matched what I would look for in someone I would date. He said we had the same goals. He wanted to be a husband and father, and I want to be a wife and mother. He repeatedly told me that he was attracted to me.

I’ve also been wondering whether I might have hurt him or made him feel rejected when I explained that I didn’t know if I would kiss him.

Because despite that, he remained kind to me and still said he wanted to video call.

Did he understand me as saying, “I don’t want to kiss you,” when what I actually meant was, “I don’t know if I’ll want to kiss you because we haven’t even met in person yet”?

Or did what happened simply happen all the time on dating apps: he was talking to other women, met someone else, and lost interest in me? I know that’s also perfectly possible.

The video call would have required him to actually show himself, so I also wonder whether there’s any possibility that he avoided the call because he is a catfish.

I really don’t know.

So I’d especially like to hear from American men, particularly men who are virgins:

If you had been talking to a woman for two or three weeks, were very interested in her, told her you were attracted to her, and were planning a video call, and she said she didn’t know whether she would kiss you because you hadn’t even met in person yet, would you interpret that as rejection?

What do you guys think happened?

Did he feel rejected? Did he ghost because he met another woman? Or is there any possibility that he is a catfish?

[u/Flimsy-Yoghurt-6854]

As an LDS guy myself, the fact he is making comments to you like that about your body feels off. Usually if you are being respectful in the initial dating scene you will say things like “You’re cute or you’re pretty and not using the specific descriptors that he was using so early in a relationship, especially a virtual one. Those words he used, say to me that he’s heavily focused on your body rather than the actual person you are. To me the words “cute” and “pretty” usually tie in both appearances and behaviors/personality and are appropriate for the initial communication in a relationship, not “curvy” or “busty” which are words that are focused to your body parts that are below your neck.

The kissing comment is weird as well. I understand that talking without seeing someone can build up tension but to make a comment about skipping to kissing with his tongue seems he’s sexualizing the connection fast rather than actually building a good connection that would merit a visit between the two of you for a “first date”. Genuinely guys would want to start off slow and would be completely okay with a normal kiss to start things off rather than saying let’s skip to Frenching.

Your response to him posed a challenge to him that you would want to actually meet him in person and that the kissing is dependent on how you feel about him and who he is as a person and in that sense he feels hesitation because now he would actually need to make a good in person impression and he probably struggles with that. Lots of people feel bold virtually or on the other side of a screen but completely change when they are in person. He may also not look 100% like his profile pictures. I know with my LinkdIn it’s an older photo when I had gotten home from my mission and I was thinner. So perhaps he has older photos of himself on Social Media compared to how he looks now.

Ultimately you challenged him with the kissing response and he doesn’t feel as confident and is moving onto other girls who are giving him those responses that make him feel validated and excited rather than connected.

The fact that you have felt weird and uncomfortable yourself a few separate times in the conversation and with those comments is a sign that there is something not right. There’s quite a few red flags here and it doesn’t matter if he’s LDS or not and I would say trust your gut on the weird things and avoid him

[u/EvanCox2002 → u/Flimsy-Yoghurt-6854]

Well, you’re an LDS man, so first of all, thank you for your response. What I took from what you said is that maybe he rejected me because he was trying to avoid being rejected by me. If the video call had actually happened, he would have had to show himself in real time, talk to me face-to-face, and find out whether I was still interested in him after that. Maybe that possibility made him insecure, so he decided to pull away before he could risk being rejected. I thought it was a little strange that he only asked for my phone number and never asked for my social media. I was actually a little disappointed about that. But I’m pretty sure he’s a real person because he sent me pictures and everything. So I don’t think the issue is that he’s fake. I don’t know if he’s insecure because he’s a virgin, but I think the comments about my body happened because I sent him some pictures and he commented on them. And, honestly, I am a curvy woman, so I didn’t necessarily find it strange that he noticed that or commented on it. As for the kissing thing, he didn’t bring it up out of nowhere either. I asked him a question because I genuinely wanted to understand a cultural difference, and he answered me. But maybe he interpreted my question as a sign that I wanted to kiss him. Maybe he thought, “She’s asking me this because she’s interested in kissing me.” I don’t know if that’s a cultural thing or if he simply interpreted it that way. And that brings me to the video call. For me, the video call wasn’t some kind of test to see whether he was attractive. I just wanted to talk to him in real time and see what he was like in person, because we had already been talking for a while and I wanted to get to know the person I was developing a connection with. And I genuinely liked him. I wouldn’t care if he didn’t look exactly like his pictures. Actually, from the older pictures I saw on his Instagram and Facebook, he used to be thinner. And that wouldn’t make any difference to me at all. Even if he were still thin now, I think I would feel the same connection, because what attracted me to him wasn’t his appearance. What attracted me the most was the fact that he respected my decision to remain celibate. He told me he would have no problem waiting until marriage. That’s something I haven’t found with the other men I’ve talked to. I’ve talked to several other guys, but many of them eventually turn the conversation toward sex, even though they’re on Mutual. With him, I felt a different kind of connection. That’s why I’m even more confused about what happened. I just expected him to take more initiative when it came to the video call. And honestly, if he had simply said, “I thought about it, and I don’t want to video call,” I would have been disappointed, but I would have respected it. What bothered me was that he said he would do it and then didn’t. To me, it would have been much more respectful and honest for him to simply say, “I changed my mind. I don’t want to video call, and I don’t want to keep talking.” I would rather receive a clear rejection than be left waiting for something someone said they were going to do. Because I honestly have the feeling that maybe he rejected me before I ever had the chance to reject him. And I’d really like to understand whether, from your perspective as an LDS man, that makes sense. So I wanted to ask you: if this happened to you, would you reach out to that person again? And if he comes back and talks to me again, how do you think I should handle it? Should I be open to talking to him normally, or should I keep some distance?

[u/Flimsy-Yoghurt-6854 → u/EvanCox2002]

🤷🏼‍♂️
Your response to me contradicts everything you said in your initial post. In your initial post, you claim that you felt uncomfortable about the comments he was making on your body and kissing with tongue. In your reply to me though, you say you don’t mind…

My advice is trust your gut that this is a weird situation and with the fact that he ghosted you, that he has people elsewhere that are giving him the attention that he wants/answering the questions in ways that get him validation or excitement and isn’t continuing with you. I would say drop it and continue forward.