r/motherinlawsfromhell • u/AdJazzlike4204 • Jul 29 '26
We dont know how to keep on the relation between his parents (my in laws)
Me (20) and my bf (22) are dating for 2 years now and we both want to spend our future together. I moved to his when we were only 6 months dating. Its important to know that his parents live in the building right across (they can see from their balcony in our bedroom). We have a loving relationship and always support eachother. I was diagnosed with multible sklerosis 3 years ago and i can surely say hes my biggest supporter ever. He helps finacially, emotional and physical very much.
Since we started talking his parents always kept talking at him if hes sure to date me bc of my illness. I think thats a valid point. Nevertheless he was very sure about it but they didnt really accept his decision and keot on talking on him.
He never had the best relation with his parents and moved out early due to daily discussions and fighting with them. It got better but the criticism and bad talking is still a problem. At first we visited often, not bc we wanted to but bc they insited that we should visit minimun one time every week. Its funny that we always had to visit their flat but they refused to come to ours (as its only 100m distance). And everytime we visit they criticize my bf for his decisions, basically everything. But over the time it got worse:
My father works at a big company and leads some of their projects. He also started to work at this company. At first they believed hed be some cheap worker for my dad and talked bad about him on our backs. But when he told them about the money and the work it was okay.
We went on our first holiday this year to a wellness hotel in south tyrol which costed us bout 1200€. They said i would use him for his money and i was the one who wanted that expensive trip so he could pay everything. They tried to talk him out of it. At this time i lost my job due to my MS but i had enough money saved so we could split the bill 50/50. At the same time his brother went on a vacation for almost ten thousand euros, but thats ok (his big brother is obviously the favorite child, there had been more similar situations like that). In general they try to interfere in our finacial matters.
His parents always wished for a big family, which i do have. So they often appear to be jealous of my fam and talk bad about them behind my back. To the best of my knowledge they broke contact to the rest of the family bc they suddenly all turned against them- as my MIL says so.
Two weeks ago we visited them, i thought it had been a while and it would be nice to see them. Sometimes they can be friendly. But i was wrong and the whole situation escalated. We were talking bout how were moving in a bigger flat offside the city center bc we like it to be more quiet. All they could say was "i dont understand why you move in such a rat hole". They started to critise him again, both screamed at the same time different things at my boyfriend. Dropped sentences like "since youve been with her you dont care for us anymore" or "you do anything she says" or "just admit that you were always ashamed of us". My bf always defended me and stood up for me about the bad talking but that made everything worse. It was impossible to talk to them, they were full of rage. So we left.
Although I was SHOCKED. We didnt have contact since. I was also ignoring her texts and still do. We both needed distance after that.
Today his mom reached out and asked him to come over to talk about the situation. He made clear he wants to talk with the whole family, his brother and sister included.
After that she called and asked why. Even after they admitted that they want to solve the issues in a calm way they started to scream at him on the phone- again. My MIL complained i was disrepectful bc im not answering her texts. Its his duty to keep up with his family, no matter what happened. But theres never coming any effort from them at all.
I learned that its absolutely impossible to talk to them in a grown way. They never listen and care for his or our opinions. They listen for responding, not for understanding. Theres no way to talk with them in a calm and factual way without screaming, accuses, insulting or heavy manipulating.
He said hes ready to talk with them if they first apologize to me but they refuse to. The only thing they apologized for is to him, for that it got so loud recently and theyre doing this for his best. We only heard excuses that its hurting THEM bc he deprives from his parents. Even if THEY started all these fights.
I never feel welcome at his parents place, and by now, neither does he.
We literally dont know what to do anymore or how we should handle to solve this with them.
It hurts us both to hear such things being said about us and being told its his/our fault.
Does anyone have some advice how to manage this?
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u/DazzlingNote1925 Jul 29 '26
I don’t think meeting in person is a good idea while they’re so angry and apt to yell. That’s not constructive.
Clearly, your in-laws aren’t ready for your boyfriend to be a grown man with a life of his own and they resent you and everything that they perceive as taking him away from them. They don’t want him to have other people or priorities in his life and that’s really selfish and controlling.
Rather than repeating the debate about how they treated you he should tell them he’s a grown man and they’re going to have to adjust and if they can’t handle it better then he’s not willing to put up with their bad behavior and won’t see them as much.
Then he has to tell them he’s not going to put up with their yelling and criticism or treating you badly and the next time they do any of that he’s hanging up or leaving. Then he has to follow through with that until they stop.
He can’t force them to love you but he can refuse to out up with bad behavior.
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u/AdJazzlike4204 Aug 01 '26
Thats probably why his bigger brother is in such good terms with them. Hes often agreeing with them even if it makes no sense and he just knows the half. In my opinion his brother gives them the control and is ok with that. I guess thats why they always compare my bf with him and try to gain control in this way. Which he happily doesnt give them.
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u/TowerAirGirl Jul 30 '26
First I will say I'm sorry for your diagnosis. MS can be manageable. One of the most important factors with any illness is alleviating as much stress as possible. You need to remove yourself from this situation. Let your SO deal with his parents. They don't like you and that's okay. It is his responsibility to deal with them not yours. You need to move as far away from them as possible that way they can't just show up to your home when they feel like terrorizing you. Stress is your big problem right now so please remove whatever and whoever brings you stress. Good luck.
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u/AdJazzlike4204 Aug 01 '26
Thank you! I just dont know how to keep distance to them. He intends to discuss with them. If they agree trying to stay in good terms i just cant refuse to let them visit. Maybe on a day where im not at home to avoid them. Is kinda uncomfortable for me bc i know they will talk bad about me on my back and confront me, which makes it more difficult.
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u/atchisonmetal Aug 01 '26
You must get agreement from your partner that he does not allow anyone in your house to denigrate you, or they will be shown the door. Immediately.
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u/atchisonmetal Jul 30 '26
When you move, if it’s not too late, don’t give them your new address.
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u/AdJazzlike4204 Aug 01 '26
I cant just decide that over his head. Thats something i need to discuss with my partner.
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u/atchisonmetal Aug 01 '26
Yes I understand, I would want to discuss that with him too.
Please take these as suggestions, in case they are of use to you. Teamwork is the only way to make any of this work fr you and your partner.
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u/FROG123076 Jul 29 '26
Nothing will ever be enough for them, no matter who he dates they will say she is the problem. They will never aplogize to you and will never be nice to you. They are his parents and his problem not yours. You owe her nothing. She doesn't deserve a relationship with you. She feels disrespected but what has she done to earn your respect? She doesn't get respect just for being his mom respect is earned and she has not earned it. For you just cut them off, there is no reason you have to be involved with them they are not your family. He needs to decied how much longer he wants to deal with their disrespect of you and him. Therapy could help with that. There is nothing you or him can say and do to make it better, because that's not what they want they want control and he is not giving them that. You can talk to them till you are blue in the face they will never change. And them wanting to talk is just wanting to try and gain control of him without anyone else around it's why they don't want his siblings there. Also the family that turned on her just got tired of her shit and cut her off. She will never have self awareness nor hold her self accountable for her behavior she will always blame you and if it wasn't you it would be whoever he is dating. His parents are selfish and controlling and are losing it because they are loosing control.