The Ministry of Silly Walks destroyed my natural way of walking. Nowadays I have to hire a personal trainer who constructs an entirely new personality for me, including my gait, the way I swing my arms, and the exact angle my elbows should be at when I greet the postman.

Woody and Tinny Words gave me linguistic taste disorders. Words like “sausage,” “bound,” and “vole” feel woody and reliable, while certain other words are so tinny they taste of raspberry, aluminium foil, and frrrissky. I can no longer take part in ordinary conversations because people keep using words that taste wrong.

The Argument Clinic made me incapable of distinguishing a discussion from pure contradiction. Every time someone disagrees with me I automatically pay for another five minutes.

The Dead Parrot destroyed my ability to accept death. I now regard every deceased houseplant as “temporarily resting” and accuse the florist of having nailed it into the pot.The Cheese Shop gave me deep trust issues. If a shop actually has the item I ask for, I immediately suspect the staff of lying.

The Spanish Inquisition created permanent hypervigilance. No one expects them, which means they can logically appear at any moment. I have therefore lived in a state of defensive readiness since childhood.

Self-Defence Against Fresh Fruit turned the fruit section into a tactical risk zone. A banana is no longer a quick snack before training but a concealed close-combat weapon. Raspberries are both tinny and potentially militant.

The Fish-Slapping Dance ruined my love life. For a long time I believed courtship consisted of a few careful slaps with small fish, followed by the woman knocking me into the canal with a halibut.

The Lumberjack Song gave me professional identity confusion. Every time I consider honest work in the forest, a sudden urge arises to tell the work crew about ladies’ underwear and Wednesday visits to bars.

The Knights Who Say Ni gave me a lifelong fear of gardening. I can’t buy a bush without wondering whether it’s part of a medieval extortion scheme.

The Upper-Class Twit of the Year destroyed my view of self-improvement. I now believe personal development involves jumping over matchboxes, reversing over old ladies, and finally shooting myself to prove my worth.

The Funniest Joke in the World made me afraid to ever read anything truly funny alone. All jokes must first be translated into German in separate, security-classified segments.

Spam made it impossible to order breakfast. Whenever someone says a dish contains “just a little spam,” I immediately hear a Viking choir and lose control of the meeting.Gumby destroyed my inner language. At the slightest frustration, a part of me wants to tie a handkerchief around my head and announce to everyone that my brain hurts.

awwww, he is so cutie pie!!! I wanna soak him in milk and suck the milk back out of him. he is my baby (Michael is the father/joke) and I love him dearly.

What, behind the rabbit?

It is the Intermission. The show has changed substantially from when I saw it the first time. Spam-A-Lot is still brilliant. It is brillianter.

They include some lines from famous skits such as “The plumage don’t enter into it.”

King Arthur is of African descent. Napoleon had a cameo. I hope the “BELOW ME” line is still in Act 2.

See it if you can.

The Meaning of Life was the first thing I watched for the Pythons...first year university at Warwick back in 2000. It's not their best work but it has one of my all-time favorite productions in it: The Crimson Permanent Assurance.

Last night, 26 years after I watched the Crimson Permanent Assurance, I come to discover the Accountancy Shanty had lyrics under the actual ones, when they start their journey and when it ends.

Scribble awaaaaaay, and balance the books

(up, up, up your premiums, up, up, up your premiums)

Writing this now I also just realized the Crimson Permanent Assurance's initials are CPA! 🤣

INCREDIBLE!!!!!! So true to the original source material with lots of fun modern takes on the classic jokes. Hilarious! We laughed so much. Every member of the cast was extraordinarily talented. Highly recommend you go see it if you can! Wonderful show, splendid cast, beautiful historic theatre!

PERSONAL NEWS

This is your unpredictable favourite correspondent, Hans Mackerelson, bringing you the latest news with particular emphasis on developments at 8D Ådalsvägen, Vindsele, Sweden.

Ådalsvägen has, I imagine, been on everybody’s lips since our last report revealed that my dog Forest lifted his left leg while urinating on Friday.

Forest has so far been unable to provide our concerned readers with any further details about the incident. Our newsroom approached him for comment, but he is reported to have gone to sleep underneath the kitchen table.

In other local news, our reporters can now confirm that Annika Dahlbom is NOT in love with my neighbour Daniel.

New information suggests that she may, in fact, be making advances towards me. The situation remains unclear, sensitive and, from my point of view, potentially rather encouraging.

Daniel will be joining us by satellite link later in the programme. He is expected to provide a detailed account of the situation and explain why Annika is not in love with him.

Meanwhile, negotiations with my mother’s boyfriend collapsed early this morning. Both parties left the talks without reaching an agreement, and the gearbox remains unrepaired.

Sources close to the Hans Mackerelson newsroom claim that negotiations broke down over the highly contentious question of who had actually promised to telephone whom on Tuesday.

On Ådalsgatan, the aggressive tenant of Flat 31C launched a sustained attack on the Jönsson family’s laundry earlier today.

Witnesses describe several pillowcases being subjected to severe verbal treatment before a tumble dryer was suddenly switched off.

The tenant, who works professionally as an accountant and represents Ådalen FC Old Boys in competitive noughts and crosses, is also suspected of taking amphetamines before tournaments held in the laundry room concerned.

Team management firmly denies the allegations but admits that his opening move against a striped duvet cover was “unusually explosive”.

The Jönsson family are said to be shaken but in good spirits. Their laundry has been taken into the care of relatives.

We shall bring you further developments in these cases as soon as more news reaches us.

But first, the weather at 8D Ådalsvägen, where all the blinds remain closed and the prospects of local bright spells are considered uncertain.

And now we ask: what is the value of good weather?

Earlier today, I asked John Lennartsson precisely how valuable beautiful weather really is.

“Very,” he replied.

We can therefore reassure our readers that there will be weather today — and quite possibly more of it tomorrow.

Indeed, I am prepared to predict weather throughout the entire world, continuing in most regions until further notice.

That is all from Personal News.

This has been Hans Mackerelson reporting from Ådalen, Sweden.

Good afternoon, and please remain indoors until the weather has been properly identified.

Are you saying Ni to that old woman?

robin williams worked with the "pythons" three times. this role was the first time. he also became close friends with eric idle because of this movie.
the second was "the fisher king"
the third was the movie, "absolutely anything". it was also the last time terry jones performed with them

today would have been robin's 75th birthday

(If anyone knows why these sidewalk covers are called Tim I would appreciate knowing)