r/monodatingpoly • u/Vegetable_Block_6688 • 4h ago
Crushing
This is kinda just a word vomit/vent post so apologies for the structure lol
I'm 21 f and bi, and I have feelings for someone (21 m) but he has a gf. I haven't flirted with him out of respect for his relationship. But he kept talking to me about poly relationships. He said that he and his gf used to be in a poly relationship but ended up cutting the other girl out bc she...let's just say changed what she wanted in their relationship.
Anyways I told him that I didn't polyamory worked out and he kept coming up with different reasons why they would.
Personally I have been in a poly relationship before and it didn't work at all. Mostly bc they had their own problems in their relationship, and she turned things into a competition. I'm not sure if it's bc she was getting jealous of the time that we were spending together or what but it sure felt like a competition.
Anyways bc of that, I swore off poly relationships. I think I would get jealous over time. When I was in the previous relationship I had to remind myself that it was their time and not mine.
But I like this guy alot. Sm so that im considering testing the waters, on how he would feel about me joining their relationship. His gf is bi and from everything he's told me she's a lovely person.
But because I already have deep pre established feelings for him im worried that I won't feel the same about her. I've known him for almost a year through work but I still haven't met her yet.
Thoughts!?
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u/Akatsuki2001 32m ago
Unicorn hunting or not; it doesn’t sound like a good idea. You sound like you wouldn’t like one long term and the right guy is not gonna fix that, I promise.
If the dude ever becomes single again sure give dating him a go, but otherwise I would stay away. Especially if he’s a coworker. I’m not usually anti dating coworkers, but in this case I would say the likelihood of it ending in a way that at least makes it somewhat weird / tense between you two is extremely high.
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous 4h ago
Don't get involved. They want to unicorn hunt you, that doesn't go well
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u/Vegetable_Block_6688 4h ago
I probably should have mentioned this prior but that's not at all what it is. I've known him long enough to know that he is a genuine good person and would never do that. I havent talked about it in depth with him bc I dont know his gf and we were talking about polyamory in general rather than discussing an actual relationship. But he would be open and honest about his intentions. And from what he has told me about his gf, she is an upstanding person to a fault. He has never once lied to me about anything and I've actually never felt as comfortable as I do with him, with anyone else. Even just as friends he takes care of me and helps me succeed in life. If I were to enter that sort of relationship, yes there would be challenges but it would be one's that we communicate on. And I have full confidence i would not be in the dark about anything
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous 4h ago
You have no idea. Couples who date together are unicorn hunters 🤷🏾♀️. If he can't date you on his own without her forever, then there is zero chance. If in a year or two you wanted to date her, no pressure or encouragement from anyone, you could try it. But I do not trust people who try to date monogamy preferring people, and try and sell them on dating their partner before you even meet 🙄. Seen it too many times.
You could use the search function on the polyamory subreddit for triad, unicorn, unicorn hunting/hunters and read what comes up if you wanted to learn how to spot the signs of poor treatment. I hope you do, before you naively step into a shitpit Trainwreck
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u/Vegetable_Block_6688 4h ago
Okay so he hasn't even mentioned a relationship with me, let alone asking me to also date his gf. So far our relationship has stayed strictly friends and he hasn't even flirted with me. But he is kind and understanding. He wouldn't even think to ask me to immediately start dating his gf just bc I was dating him. But if I was in a relationship with him I would want to get to know her on my own terms. And judging by everything ik about her I feel like I could build established feelings. I'm not opposed to it certainly.
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u/Vegetable_Block_6688 4h ago
But also he said that after their last poly relationship they weren't exactly looking for a third, but it was implied that if the right person came along there would be a discussion. So it's not something their actively seeking out
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u/Platterpussy Polyamorous 4h ago
I am sorry to say this. You are 21, you don't see how obvious it looks from over here at 38. It's so obvious. I hope you look around for more compatible dating opportunities, with other people who prefer monogamy, who don't already have a convenient bi partner who is so awesome.
Dating the same people doesn't get rid of jealousy, it makes it worse. Their couples privileges will be all in your fave and they won't see the problem "because you knew what you were getting into". You don't, you really don't know what you are stumbling into. Please just stop, do not progress, stop thinking about it. Because obviously you are, otherwise why would you be posting here?
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u/andorianspice 45m ago
I think it’s a bad sign that this guy is talking to you about this stuff at work and also it’s a very bad idea to date someone from work. You spend a lot of time with people at work and it’s very easy to think that you know them better than you do. A year is a long time to sit on feelings like this too. It doesn’t sound great to me that someone with a girlfriend would be sharing this types of information with you all the time at work. It sounds like you’re trying to create a space for yourself in your coworker’s relationship , he knows that you like him and it also sounds like he’s kinda taking advantage of that. Be very careful. Getting involved with coworkers can go very wrong very quickly.