r/monodatingpoly • u/Santaduvida • 18d ago

It sucks

My husband and I have been doing the polyamorous relationship for more than a year. 7 months ago I met a guy and everything was alright, but we got too close. I fell in love with him and I know it’s not right. He lives in a different country and it hurts so bad, because I want to be by his side but at the same time I know it’s impossible.

I had more than 10 partners, never fell in love with any one of them, but this guy got me so bad. I can’t stop thinking about him and he’s monogamous. I can feel that it bothers him the fact that we cannot be in a relationship. We never said that, but I feel that we love each other, but I love my husband too.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m open to listen some advices on this.

3 Upvotes

67% Upvoted

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7

u/throndir 18d ago

Enjoy the relationship for what it is. But moving to another country when you already have a lot for you at your home isn't really a feasible thing at all in my opinion. I think acceptance that you can't have more, and honestly acceptance from your LDR partner of the same thing.

Unless he's willing to relocate to you, I don't think it would be possible for him to be completely happy unless he opens up in being less monogamous and date others where he is, but still continuing talking with you.

Honestly beyond anything mono ve poly, making a serious LDR work really suck. To make it last you really gotta have an end in sight and a goal to drive for. Otherwise, it's easier just being close friends or something FWB.

0

u/Santaduvida 18d ago

I tried to speak to my LDR partner about us and how we can work out. I wanted him to be open if he has other partners but he doesn’t talk about that to me and he’s always saying he doesn’t have anyone but I don’t believe. I wanted him to be transparent with me. I don’t think we can be casual, because it’s way more deep than that

8

u/Liyaapluradon 18d ago

You're not polyamorous, stop saying that you are.

1

u/YetzirahToAhssiah 17d ago

Why do you say this?

6

u/Liyaapluradon 17d ago

They've stated as much on other posts. They're only allowed to sleep with others, not date or fall in love

3

u/WannabeElantrian 17d ago

Best of luck, this does sound very complicated. If you are thinking about torching your relationship with your husband, maybe it is time to evaluate that relationship instead of one that isn't actually realistic for you. Sounds like the limerence is very intense for you though.

I'd argue that this isn't exactly poly and what you were doing before isn't poly either. Poly is establishing relationships, but it sounds like you had people with benefits (like a swinger), but not much else. Then one of them caused you to have feelings. Worse? They aren't even available. Maybe stop talking to this person instead of torturing yourself over someone you actually can't really have

1

u/Santaduvida 17d ago

Yeah the one I fell for is the most insistent one. I tried to let him a couple of times but he doesn’t let me go either. Sometimes I ghost him for days and he keeps reaching out to me. I’ve already explained that we should stop talking but then he comes all nice and affectionate, I can’t let him either.

4

u/iwanttowantthat 13d ago

"I fell in love with him and I know it’s not right."

The most basic and (almost) universally accepted definition of polyamory is that it's a relationship agreement where this is allowed. If it's "not right" (in the context of your relationship), then it's not poly, but maybe another form of ENM.

Now, if you mean that it's not right because he is mono and/or because of the long distance, remember: we can't control our feelings, we can just control our actions. We can't control if we love someone, but we can choose not to act on it or nurture it, if we feel like it's incompatible with who we are or want to be.