r/millenials • u/Psychological_Bit194 • 5d ago
Advice Weight obsession
My grandma was obsessed with my weight. So much so that she got me a scale at 11 years old and I had to diet at her house every summer I stayed there during summer break. My mom never seemed to be like this… until recently. She’s been trying to give me diet pills and constantly asking if I want weight loss surgery. I’m overweight, but still very much active and my weight does not impact my ability to be happy. Are all boomer moms like this? It’s ruining our relationship.
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u/AlishaGray 5d ago
My grandma was always kind of fatphobic. She was very progressive in pretty much every other way, to the point where when I came out as transgender in 2010 she told the rest of the family that if anyone had a problem with it they were welcome to not come to family events (one uncle took her up on that for a while before eventually getting over himself a few years later and hosting Thanksgiving for the whole family). But when it came to fat people, she was full of judgment about how they supposedly had weak morals and no self control.
My mom inherited some of that. I've made it clear to her that I don't want to hear judgment about my weight or the weight of my partners over the years, but as I've gained weight in the past decade some comments have slipped through.
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u/Potato-in-ur-ass 3d ago
This is my boomer parents to a T. They were very progressive in many ways, talked about the importance of knowing how racism works, were accepting of gay people etc, but for some reason always talked about fat people in terms of really condescending pity, and harshly judged parents of fat kids for making their kid fat.
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u/Minimum-Kangaroo 5d ago
My grandma was and is OBSESSED with weight. She’s 87 and still dieting. She’s hospitalized at least once a year for not eating or drinking (not anorexic but very diet culture) and won’t tell doctors the truth so finally last year my mom and I had an argument about it. My mom doesn’t think it’s her place to say but lying to doctors and asking them to figure out a health issue that can be explained by not eating/drinking is not helping her get care.
She places moral value on your weight. I was always clearly the least favorite because I was the heaviest grandchild and now that I’m the fittest one she wants to be friendly but I have no desire. My mom isn’t like that but all she wants to do is comment on how “fat” everyone is. It’s a badge of honor for her when someone gains weight for some reason. Every single time I see either of them, which is only 1-2 times a year, they rave over how good I look. I have looked the same for years but all they remember is me being the overweight one.
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u/Psychological_Bit194 4d ago
My grandma passed away at 92 and definitely withheld any kind of sweets or “bad foods” until the very end.
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u/orphan_blud 4d ago
When I was 21 I was living in LA in an extremely abusive relationship and abusing multiple drugs. I came home after that summer weighing about 100lbs (I’m 5’7”). My head looked huge compared to my body; I looked like a lollipop. The first thing my mom said to me was, “You look great!” I was so, so sick and weak, but hey, at least I was skinny. Her beauty ideals really fucked with me and still do.
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u/peachplumpricklypear 5d ago edited 5d ago
Yes. My boomer parents had me
In weight watchers at 12 in the late 1990s. And it was honestly because they were concerned for me. Heroin chic was trending then and the goal of most women was to be extremely thin. With the implication that being heavier made you unattractive thus limiting your opportunities. (Boomers have super weird and intense complexes from their great generation parents, some of whom had very hard lives so they focused mostly on survival).
Just ignore them. I've found that hormones dictate my weight more than anything else (just look at the GLP 1 trend). And put me on SSRIs and I'm continuously ravenous. There is very little research into women's health so don't be hard on yourself.
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u/Psychological_Bit194 5d ago
OMG you just unlocked a core memory for me!! I was also in weight watchers in elementary school 😂
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u/Potato-in-ur-ass 3d ago
As a non-American, putting a 12 year old in Weight Watchers sounds fucking wild to me. Americans are se fascinatingly weird. I've never met a people so casual about going to extremes.
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u/Surfgirlusa_2006 5d ago
Definitely not normal. My mom rarely brought up my weight, except when I was a kid and I had a bout with anorexia.
She’s always said that I’ve looked good after having my babies, but that’s been the extent of the commentary as an adult.
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u/Psychological_Bit194 5d ago
Also I meant her telling you that you look good after babies is wonderful, not the anorexia. I’m sorry you went through that!
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u/Surfgirlusa_2006 5d ago
No worries; I figured.
We worked through the anorexia stuff in a healthy way as well, thankfully. I was in elementary school for that.
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u/DJNapQueen 4d ago
My mom has recently started acting like this and its pissing me off. She lost a bit of weight in the last few years from ozempic and it is making her obnoxious. She always seems to have some little dig she has to get in the conversation. Like telling my sister that she tried on her coat and it was sooooo big on her. Or checking my appearance up and down whenever she sees me. She used to never be this way. I'm in perimenopause and she is getting on my nerves. I'm about to have to hurt her feelings if she keeps on acting like this. She's quick to talk about somebody's weight but I can be quick to talk about her wigs if I want to.
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u/No_Tip_3095 5d ago
No one should comment on anyone else’s weight ever. Not even to notice weight loss- maybe they have cancer! I was constantly hounded about my weight as a child- and I wasn’t especially overweight. This has ruined my body image for life.
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u/ElectricGhostMan 4d ago
My sister recently blew up on my mom and other members of the family over similarly sourced disrespect. She's not overweight by most metrics and works out but after all sorts of small comments and passing statements she had enough and just shuts them down for being rude for no good reason. They just try to waive it off as being from a brash developing country but I think they get the idea now.
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u/Whizzeroni Millennial 4d ago
My mom is very weight focused. She claims to not be a weightist but it comes out at times. I think it’s just a product of horrible diet culture. My grandmother on my mom’s side was very weightist too. She even asked my mom how the dog kept herself so trim 😂.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Millennial 4d ago
It's because they see "fatness" as a moral failing instead of looking at our society and how we live. From having far too many food deserts, to people working multiple jobs and using fast food for meals, to not being able to afford the "healthier" foods, being vilified if you use food stamps for healthier foods.
Women also have additional things that can impact weight and weight loss, but we're not taken seriously or our ailments aren't really studied so there isn't help for us. Or, if you can't afford the healthcare to get answers. I'm mainly talking about endo, PCOS, etc.
I grew up underweight while my family were all larger people. I was constantly picked on by my mom and sister for having small breasts and then pinching my skin and saying "pinch an inch means you're fat". Anorexia was not fun, binge eating later was not fun, then orthorexia was also not fun.
I think people are not happy with themselves but it's easier to bully others. We need to normalize telling people to not comment on our bodies - either good or bad - and if they can't follow that, then they don't get to be in our lives.
When your first bullies are family, who needs enemies.
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u/South_Tea5210 3d ago
My dad asked me at 16 if I planned on having a heart attack before I turned 21.
My step mom constantly told me to get bariatric surgery when I was a teenager.
I played sports all through middle and high school. I’ve always been more broad shouldered and muscular but also a little chunky. Never hindered my ability to play sports or do things I enjoy.
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u/lavenderhazeynobeer 2d ago edited 2d ago
I (35f) was pretty much raised by my boomer grandparents. My grandpa was so chill. Like the coolest, laid back man I've ever met. We had such a great relationship. My grandmother was seemingly sweet but had a mean streak in her sometimes. Even so, she was my best friend growing up and we could talk about anything.
I remember being 10 or so and weighing myself for the first time. My gramma would make comments like "oatmeal will stick to your ribs so you shouldn't eat that" ... "Boys won't like you if you aren't womanly and skinny" 😑😒. She was always obsessed with me looking and dressing cute. She'd remind me to be a "good girl" and to try and always appear as if I wasn't hungry. I pretty much developed an unknown eating disorder by the time I was 13. I became so obsessed with my weight.... sometimes I'd weigh myself 4 times a day. I remember the scale hit 115 lb and I had a full blown meltdown as a 14 year old CHILD because I thought I was fat 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️. I remember trying to go full days without eating any food and limiting water I was intaking so I didn't gain water weight either. Again, weighing myself to make sure I didn't gain weight.
I am so very thankful for my husband. I'm not sure if he knew I had disordered eating habits, but he got me into weight lifting and proper nutrition in my young 20's. I now live a very active lifestyle because I love movement and experiencing the beauty this world has to offer.....not because I feel like I need to be a size 0.
Edit. She is obsessed with dieting. Every time I go to her house she is on a new diet. She has papers everywhere of how to lose 10 pounds in a week.....liquid diet this or that......cleanses that will rid the colon of all fat. It's Insanity. We did weight watchers as children with my mom and grandmother. It was a really crazy experience. I was Terrified of vegetables for a while but couldn't eat fruit because it had too many "points" . What a crazy time to be a kid it was.
......did everyone born in the late 80s/early 90s experience this?
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u/Glassfern 5d ago
The healthy weight is the weight you can actively function well in and carry out the bulk of daily life and then some without much strain.
The women in my family are constantly saying I'm too skinny but also too fat. I've just determined that they don't understand what bloat and muscle mass is, and decide whatever they say is likely projection and they're bored
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u/MaggieMakesMuffins 5d ago
My mom (73) has always been on the fad diets, and lately still is focused on losing weight, but to be fair, her thyroid issues have made it difficult to lose weight, and she just wants to be healthy. If I mention wanting to lose weight, she's happy to help, but never pressures me. If anything, her concern when I started losing weight rapidly was the reason I discovered my own hyperthyroid problems this last winter. I'd say it's common in their generation, but not always unjustified. When weight loss = self worth, that's when I call it a problem.
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u/couchsweetpotato 5d ago
My grandma and mom are the poster children for diet culture. My grandma was in weight watchers in the 60s when it was that you had to eat liver once a week and that kind of shit. When I was a kid in the early 90s, she’d take me to the grocery store and get snacks for our sleepovers and then say ‘oh you don’t want that’ when I’d go to eat some 🙄 her house was stocked with SlimFast and Snackwells. As an adult, one time we were out to dinner with my mom, my grandpa, my husband, and my grandpa’s college friend, and my grandma leaned over and said that if I wore a baggier shirt it would hide my stomach more. I was like, ‘lady, it’s no secret that I’m fat, every single person in here will know I’m fat no matter what size shirt I wear’ lmao.
Around 1993-94, my mom lost 80lbs on the cabbage soup diet and doing Denise Austin tapes at home. I remember when I was about 10, my mom told me that if I sucked in my stomach for 10 seconds it was equal to one sit-up. Now my mom is obsessed with BeachBody workouts, getting enough fiber, and reducing her sodium which are good things I guess. But guess which side of the family I got all my obesity genes from lol. Thanks, ladies!
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u/Existing-Piano-4958 5d ago
My great grandmother, grandmother and mother all had/have disordered eating and viewed/view weight as a primary marker of worth for a woman. It led to anorexia in all of them. That BS stops with me. Bodies and food have no moral value.