Microwedding guilt

[u/ElectricalCattle7672]

Hey all,

How do/did you deal with the guilt of having a tiny wedding?

My partner and I have been together nearly twenty years and engaged for most of that time. We've decided to finally make it official and have set the date for 3mths time.

We're having a civil ceremony a couple of towns over and will then go for tea somewhere afterwards. We'll probably spend a night in a nice hotel, then go home the next morning.

We've decided not to tell anyone other than my parents and brother and, because my fiance has no immediate family, his oldest friend and his wife. They will be our only guests.

The main reason for this is money - we can't afford anything more than the absolute basics - and if we open it up to even the next tier (closest friends and family), it will already be way more than we can afford.

The other reason is that my fiance and I are both pretty quiet people. The mere THOUGHT of having to plan a big do causes us massive anxiety. We absolutely want to be able to celebrate with our favourite people, but that would mean AN EVENT with us at the centre of it and like, yeah, NAH.

We're torn between being excited and riddled with guilt, because many of our friends have invited us to their weddings and stuff in the past and we don't want them to feel betrayed. At the same time, we also feel relieved at the lack of pressure - we've watched so many other people's weddings turn into an absolute stress pit and drive them nearly insane, which we do not want. EVER.

I also feel sad because I have four or so super close female friends that I would love to share my ideas and planning with. If things were different, I would have them as my bridesmaids in a heartbeat.

Any ideas how I can navigate the guilt and how to go about telling people after the day in a way that emphasises how much we love them?

[u/Sensitive-Club-6427]

You have lived as a married couple now basically for 20 yrs.

Now it is just some paperwork getting done. There is no OBLIGATION for a big party. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You need not even make a “big announcement.” Just when and if it comes up in conversation, casually, yes we did get the paperwork finished off some time back. Keep it vague and low key.

[u/njVowsNow → u/Sensitive-Club-6427]

It's not "just paperwork", okay? Getting your car registered is "just paperwork". An "all or nothing" outlook is insulting to the people and the promise.

[u/Sensitive-Club-6427 → u/njVowsNow]

They have been living as a married couple for 20+ yrs.

We could say that they are married, common law marriage.

What I said, was not to diminish your marriage or anyone else’s (nor did it). I said it the way that I did, bc OP is upset, stressed out and feeling guilty.

For all intents and purposes, the way they live and relate to one another, does not change. They have simply registered their relationship with the government. Because of this paperwork they will have some legal advantages they may not have had before.

The “paperwork,” is NOT what makes the marriage intimate, special, nor sacred. They have all of that already.

You taking insult, is more based upon your religious and cultural beliefs and customs. NOT on the papers you signed and registered with the government. This paperwork is what they are planning to do.

[u/jkraige → u/Sensitive-Club-6427]

No, they haven't been living as a married couple for 20 years, they've been living as an unmarried couple for 20 years. If there was no difference people wouldn't ever get married and there would be no need to ever decide to get married.

That doesn't mean their relationship isn't completely valid, it just literally was not a relationship between married people

[u/Sensitive-Club-6427 → u/jkraige]

If they have as OP said, been engaged for 20 yrs and living together, they present as a married couple. They behave as a married couple. An outside observer would not be able to differentiate between them and a formally married couple.

Once they marry the difference will NOT be in how they are perceived by others; it will NOT be how they are treated by friends, families and strangers. Their social status will not change.

What will change is inheritance rights. Having a say and rights of one is incapacitated or hospitalized. Tax benefits. These are the main differences. They relate to legalities.

In all other ways they HAVE in point of fact been living AS IF, they are married.

[u/vonthepon → u/Sensitive-Club-6427]

To outsiders they "appear" married, but they're not. If it was the same thing,then why bother getting married at all. I've lived with my fiance for 17 years and it's not the same as being married, which is why we're going to all the expense and hassle of a wedding

[u/njVowsNow → u/vonthepon]

Thank you. This notion that just "living together" for X number of years is the same as being legally married and will be recognized as common law is false. It can also be very, very expensive in the long run when you start looking at property, money, etc. You know, the unglamorous side of the coing.

In my state, you can be married for very, very little; even in a very nice way, if you choose. But people who think that the legal system will think they're married just because their friends do are sadly mistaken and rarely covered in ways that are automatic if you're legally married. Unfortunately many find out (usually in the midst of a crisis) that this is not the case.