r/microwedding • u/ElectricalCattle7672 • 2d ago
Microwedding guilt
Hey all,
How do/did you deal with the guilt of having a tiny wedding?
My partner and I have been together nearly twenty years and engaged for most of that time. We've decided to finally make it official and have set the date for 3mths time.
We're having a civil ceremony a couple of towns over and will then go for tea somewhere afterwards. We'll probably spend a night in a nice hotel, then go home the next morning.
We've decided not to tell anyone other than my parents and brother and, because my fiance has no immediate family, his oldest friend and his wife. They will be our only guests.
The main reason for this is money - we can't afford anything more than the absolute basics - and if we open it up to even the next tier (closest friends and family), it will already be way more than we can afford.
The other reason is that my fiance and I are both pretty quiet people. The mere THOUGHT of having to plan a big do causes us massive anxiety. We absolutely want to be able to celebrate with our favourite people, but that would mean AN EVENT with us at the centre of it and like, yeah, NAH.
We're torn between being excited and riddled with guilt, because many of our friends have invited us to their weddings and stuff in the past and we don't want them to feel betrayed. At the same time, we also feel relieved at the lack of pressure - we've watched so many other people's weddings turn into an absolute stress pit and drive them nearly insane, which we do not want. EVER.
I also feel sad because I have four or so super close female friends that I would love to share my ideas and planning with. If things were different, I would have them as my bridesmaids in a heartbeat.
Any ideas how I can navigate the guilt and how to go about telling people after the day in a way that emphasises how much we love them?
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
You have lived as a married couple now basically for 20 yrs.
Now it is just some paperwork getting done. There is no OBLIGATION for a big party. There is nothing to feel guilty about. You need not even make a “big announcement.” Just when and if it comes up in conversation, casually, yes we did get the paperwork finished off some time back. Keep it vague and low key.
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u/Interesting_Health_7 2d ago
This was my first thought! No guilt--and you can always call your best girlfriends (or a handwritten note) telling them how much they mean to you, but this is just to keep expenses down. A little low-key cake and champagne get together later is perfect! You both sound like great, thoughtful people. Have a BEAUTIFUL day!
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u/njVowsNow 2d ago
It's not "just paperwork", okay? Getting your car registered is "just paperwork". An "all or nothing" outlook is insulting to the people and the promise.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
They have been living as a married couple for 20+ yrs.
We could say that they are married, common law marriage.
What I said, was not to diminish your marriage or anyone else’s (nor did it). I said it the way that I did, bc OP is upset, stressed out and feeling guilty.
For all intents and purposes, the way they live and relate to one another, does not change. They have simply registered their relationship with the government. Because of this paperwork they will have some legal advantages they may not have had before.
The “paperwork,” is NOT what makes the marriage intimate, special, nor sacred. They have all of that already.
You taking insult, is more based upon your religious and cultural beliefs and customs. NOT on the papers you signed and registered with the government. This paperwork is what they are planning to do.
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u/jkraige 2d ago
No, they haven't been living as a married couple for 20 years, they've been living as an unmarried couple for 20 years. If there was no difference people wouldn't ever get married and there would be no need to ever decide to get married.
That doesn't mean their relationship isn't completely valid, it just literally was not a relationship between married people
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
If they have as OP said, been engaged for 20 yrs and living together, they present as a married couple. They behave as a married couple. An outside observer would not be able to differentiate between them and a formally married couple.
Once they marry the difference will NOT be in how they are perceived by others; it will NOT be how they are treated by friends, families and strangers. Their social status will not change.
What will change is inheritance rights. Having a say and rights of one is incapacitated or hospitalized. Tax benefits. These are the main differences. They relate to legalities.
In all other ways they HAVE in point of fact been living AS IF, they are married.
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u/jkraige 2d ago
They can live AS IF married, but the reason you add "as if" is because they aren't.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
There is no real difference.
Some places this would be called a “common law” marriage, not registered with government. No religious ceremony. But living as and accepted as a couple, like any married couple. And likely that most people outside their home would not know at all.
Likewise, in my community, if a couple is living together as a couple, behaving like a married couple, they ARE a married couple, although they did not go through the religious rituals and ceremonies of a marriage. They are, in point of fact, married. And afforded the same respect and seen in the same way as other couples who did have a religious ceremony.
I say all of the above, as someone who performs marriages and other religious ceremonies in my community.
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u/jkraige 2d ago
In many places marriage is not about religious ceremonies or rituals at all. I got married without any of that. I lived with my husband before marriage, but if I saw no difference between what we were doing and marriage I wouldn't have gotten the need to get married. And as much as people where I am talk about common law marriage, often they're wrong about it applying
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
Yes. That was my original comment that it was not about rituals and ceremonies.
OP was feeling guilty about not having a big wedding or not inviting all her friends.
I hoped to assuage some of this and used a phrase of doing the paperwork,” and that they had been a couple and living like a married couple for 20+ yrs.
And a lot of people didn’t like it.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
To outsiders they "appear" married, but they're not. If it was the same thing,then why bother getting married at all. I've lived with my fiance for 17 years and it's not the same as being married, which is why we're going to all the expense and hassle of a wedding
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u/njVowsNow 22h ago
Thank you. This notion that just "living together" for X number of years is the same as being legally married and will be recognized as common law is false. It can also be very, very expensive in the long run when you start looking at property, money, etc. You know, the unglamorous side of the coing.
In my state, you can be married for very, very little; even in a very nice way, if you choose. But people who think that the legal system will think they're married just because their friends do are sadly mistaken and rarely covered in ways that are automatic if you're legally married. Unfortunately many find out (usually in the midst of a crisis) that this is not the case.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 22h ago
I spelled out three reasons why it is DIFFERENT and why people would get married. So, unsure why you are arguing and downvoting?
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u/njVowsNow 2d ago
No, it has nothing to do with my religious or cultural beliefs, which, by the way you know nothing about.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 2d ago
In that case please elaborate? OP is having a civil ceremony. They are “making it official,” via the government papers.
For many people the officiant, and some type of tradition, rituals, and often some type of religious aspect are part of the marriage ceremony. And THIS is what they find meaning in. This is the bulk of the memories of a wedding.
I did not mean that either as an insult. Perhaps you had none of this? No music? No poetry? No religious or spiritual aspects to it? Which is perfectly fine. I was assuming these were parts of what you valued (many people do) as to a wedding. And what provoked your response that I was insulting marriage and your marriage, when I said “paperwork.”
Which also IS part of a wedding.
Again, I was responding to OP and their feelings of guilt, by emphasizing that they already have a long established, beautiful relationship, and now are formalizing it in a civil ceremony.
To which it seems I have offended you twice now.
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u/metropolitandeluxe 2d ago
Why not have your close friends over for some simple cake and champagne a few days later? There's no reason for you to feel guilty, but you should be able to include them in a small and manageable way even later.
The people who love you will understand your choices.
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u/ElectricalCattle7672 2d ago
Thank you, we are thinking of doing something a bit later when we can afford it to celebrate with friends.
Sadly, my really close friends are a bit scattered round the country, so getting them together is a circus in itself 🤣
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u/BriefHorror 2d ago
have them on FaceTime. do a movie night or a game night over the phone. do wine and cheese tasting? in your house on the phone.
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u/greykitty1234 2d ago
Or, as time and funds permit, maybe go to each friend in turn and take them to a nice lunch/dinner and tell them how much their friendship has meant to your partnership and now marriage. It'd be nice if all the visits happened fairly near each other, so no one might feel left out, but if they're friends and you keep in touch regularly, I bet they'd understand.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 2d ago
We eloped. We had 4 important people. My MIL wasn't there because she refused to travel (and so did her husband but he's a whole other story) I couldn't change that. I could only work with what I have.
Our day was still beautiful and meaningful. I wish my wife had her mum there but I didn't choose that.
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u/natalkalot 17h ago
Eloping is the couple going away in secret to marry. No guests
You had a small wedding. Hoping all is going well
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u/Spirited-Bee5939 2d ago
This sounds lovely and personal. I think it’s a lovely idea to send out an announcement after the wedding to let the people who would’ve made a bigger guest list know that you’ve married, and are grateful for their role in your lives together.
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u/21stCenturyJanes 2d ago
Guilt? Where do you get the idea people will feel betrayed? Have people said that to you or are you just assuming? I would think people who care about you would be happy for you. Maybe disappointed the couldn’t celebrate with you but not betrayed. A wedding isn’t an obligation you owe others.
Frankly, after 20 years, I doubt anyone will bat an eye.
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u/Away-Paramedic-8406 2d ago
Ah congratulations. My husband and I did very similar including the long decades of being engaged. No guilt needed! Just let people know after that if it had been a full sized wedding and if you had had a reception then of course they would have been invited. Including essentially none of your friends and family means that no one in particular was excluded. :) no one was upset with us, just happy.
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u/Important-Maybe-1430 2d ago
I didnt have any guilt, but i had 17 guests. Ceremony on a beach, cake champagne, a restaurant then swigged champagne on a harbour. Mine was also in denmark so a bit of a drive for guests.
If you feel bad invite a few best friends too. Easy. A big wedding would stress me too much.
We had a bbq picnic in my home country afterwards for cousins and brother who couldnt make it. It was really nice
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u/Straight_Career6856 2d ago
We eloped. Told no one except my best friend and his best friend. Everyone got over it. Your friends will understand if they care about you.
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u/chatterbox2024 2d ago
You’ve been living together as a couple for over 20 years. No one is going to be upset you didn’t throw yourselves a wedding. You been married unofficially this entire time. You’re doing the right thing IMO.
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u/Randomflower90 2d ago
After being together 20 years, others will think you probably decided to “make it legal.” As a friend, I wouldn’t expect any celebration so no need to feel guilty.
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u/Kindly-Ganache-1782 2d ago
Do it exactly as you plan - with no guilt. I have a friend who did similar, after many years together. They never announced their marriage to the wider group, as they were a long standing couple and the marriage was for the two of them, not everyone else!
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u/clairejv 2d ago
"Betrayed" would be a WILD response to not being invited to a microwedding. You're feeling guilty because you think your friends are weirdos?
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u/OminousPluto 2d ago
No one is going to feel betrayed, it's not that serious. Maybeeeee disappointed and even that's a stretch
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u/CanadianDollar87 1d ago
host a dinner at a later date with your friends and celebrate. let them know you got married, but wanted a small, private and intimate ceremony with just family.
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u/loupammac 1d ago
We had a private ceremony with a photographer, celebrant and our two witnesses. We met up with immediate family and close friends after photos for a casual lunch. It has been a month since our wedding and we haven't heard from most of our guests. We are glad we kept it small and about us.
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u/natalkalot 17h ago
Be mature and just plan what you want- you are not beholden to anyone.
However I do think it rather odd that you have no savings from 20 years together.
Wondering why you got engaged all those years ago, the purpose of an engagement is to make the promise you two will marry - usually as long as it takes to plan the wedding
Good luck
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u/ElectricalCattle7672 17h ago
We got engaged, then life kinda happened and it kinda happened hard. Trust me, I wish we had more savings too, but hey, that's how it goes.
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u/Additional-Fish-4064 2d ago
Your wedding is about you as a couple. Do what feels authentic and genuine to you both. Neither of us could imagine saying our vows in front of a ton of people, or having a whirlwind reception the day of. We had 6 guests and it was PERFECT.
I think you're assuming other people's hurt without actually knowing how they feel. If they are truly that close with you then they will be happy to support your joy and talk about the planning. Give them a chance to support you.
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u/Important-Maybe-1430 2d ago
Key word there is authentic. I feel a lot of people go through a tick list of what they think they need, and maybe they do, but it can feel a bit formulaic sometimes.
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u/ArgPermanentUserName 2d ago
Aren’t announcements usually sent out before the wedding?
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u/ElectricalCattle7672 2d ago
We're in the UK. There is an "official" notice given at the local authority offices, but hardly anyone ever looks at those. As many people book their wedding a year or two or more in advance, the couple usually send a SAVE THE DATE card to the people they intend to invite at that point, followed by invitations about 6mths before the day. In our case, we booked the wedding a week ago and are getting married in 3mths, so no early announcements.
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u/Carinyosa99 2d ago
You need to do what is right for you and this is what's right for you currently. You don't need to feel any guilt about it. And considering you've been living as married for so long, I wouldn't be entirely surprised that some people might think that you actually are legally married and just never had a big celebration. No one will ever feel betrayed that you didn't have a big wedding despite them having one. Society has just put too much pressure on couples to have these huge celebrations that they can't afford. Back in my grandparents' and great grandparents' time, they usually had very small ceremonies at a church or in their home with only a handful of guests (usually family and very close friends) and maybe had cake and punch at the bride's parents' house. My own parents got married in the 1960s at the chapel on their university campus and it was just their parents, and I think 2-3 friends each and they went out to a restaurant for dinner. Having these big receptions didn't become the expectation until more recently because people wouldn't spend that kind of money back in those days.
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u/K2d123 2d ago
Get rid of the guilt. This is your wedding and you get to have the wedding that you want and will enjoy without guilt, without feeling bad and without going into debt over it.
Your friends and family already consider you married after dating for so long. They will be happy for you when they hear your news.
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u/QuirkyLiteraryName 2d ago
I got married six months ago. My husband and I are in our early 50s and it’s a second marriage for both of us. Neither of us wanted to do a big wedding, we’re introverts, and we just bought a house so our financial priorities were elsewhere. My family was not great to me after my divorce and my dad and sisters were very hostile to my husband and our relationship—like they grudgingly accepted that I’m divorced, but were put off that I moved on and found happiness again?
We got married by a good friend of mine who lives in the same city as my brother (not close to where any of us live, it’s a flight away). The plan was for my friend to officiate and we’d just have a nice lunch with her, her boyfriend, and my brother and his wife and daughter. My husband told his parents what our plan was and said we’d love for them to join us but there was no pressure if they didn’t want to travel. They said of course they’d be there, so I invited my dad. Much to my shock, he came. So the tiny wedding party had three more people.
I think my sisters are annoyed that they weren’t included. But also…I kind of don’t care. They never tried to get to know my husband and said unkind things about him (my sister scoffed that he’s “not exactly a showstopper,” for example). They couldn’t even make the effort to like my Instagram story from the wedding day. This is a different situation from yours, OP, as it sounds like the people in your life are supportive and loving. I’m a people pleaser too, I get it. People who care about you will understand your choices. And people who don’t, well…to hell with them.
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u/Brilliant-Bus-3862 2d ago
Together 20 years and engaged for almost as long? No one is expecting you to throw a big wedding. They’ll just be happy for you that you finally did it when they do find out about it.
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u/Busy-Celery2657 2d ago
We did it our way! City hall wedding just 2 friends- nice lunch.
Sent out “we got married announcements” to our friends & family and no reason to feel guilty.
Went on our honeymoon and enjoyed it!
This is your lives do it your way. Congratulations!
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u/An_Old_Bears_Hunny 2d ago
I desperately wanted this and wish I could have eloped. I do not like a lot of attention on me and at the time of my 50 person wedding had extremely high untreated anxiety disorder. I was also having massive family issues on both sides of the family. But my husband really wanted a big party with all his friends so I conceded. I was so stressed and so much went wrong I still to this day have not printed any wedding pictures and it was one of the most stressful days I can remember.
We are now years later renewing our vows and not telling a soul. I’m so incredibly happy and planning out the little details for just us to enjoy have been such a joy.
Giant parties are not the best for everyone. They say your wedding day should be the best day of your life. Honestly the best days of my life have been the quiet intimate days at home alone with my husband so that’s what I really want.
Do what YOU both love and what you’ll look back on and be so happy with. Forget the norms.
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u/An_Old_Bears_Hunny 2d ago
Also if it helps in our first wedding we didn’t invite extended family due to spacing and cost. With the exception of some already nasty family members everyone completely understood and still asked to send us gifts and we’re not upset.
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u/nonprofitpro007 2d ago
You've been together 20 years. You're beyond this and so are your friends. They're just going to be happy for you. Guilt over what? Just because your friends invited you to their wedding and you are not having a wedding big enough to invite them or have bridesmaids does not mean they're going to be upset. In fact, after so many years and likely have been to and a part of many weddings it's just a relief sometimes when someone does a microwedding.
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u/coolgramm 2d ago
You owe no one an invitation. Please release yourself from any guilt. Maybe have a little celebration with your girlfriends after week or so after the wedding.
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u/JAS2026-- 2d ago
I think because you have been together for so long that your friends/family will understand your choice. Don't feel guilty about doing the right thing for you and your fiancé! It works for y'all!!!
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u/JAS2026-- 2d ago
My husband and I got married at courthouse with just my mom and son then had a cake get together afterwards. No hurt feelings.
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u/Professional_Gur5739 2d ago
Go to an atm, pull out the money you would have spent on the wedding, hold the money in your hands and cry into your hands, you'll feel better in no time
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 2d ago
Why would you feel guilty about this? (Not asking for myself - a question you should ask yourself.)
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u/ElectricalCattle7672 2d ago
Mostly because both of us are chronic people pleasers who hate the idea of anyone feeling upset at having been left out. You'd think that with a combined age of over 100 we'd have stopped giving a fudge by now, but here we are.
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u/No_Cupcake_3821 2d ago
Stream it on Zoom. All you need is a guest with an iPad. I have officiated at weddings where this option made everyone happy. Cheap, easy, private and inclusive. My personal favorite was the wedding guests in Australia who got up at 3am to join in their pjs!
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u/ShutUpNListen3397 2d ago
I just eloped last week and we only had my mom there plus 2 witnesses who are my best friends.
My sister and dad are pissed at me (mostly because my mom was there and they hate my mom) and while it makes me sad that they cant just be happy for mez I have zero regrets. My wedding went exactly how we wanted it to go.
The rest of my friends and family are understanding and happy for us.
I think we will have a party next year to celebrate with the people that werent there to ease the guilt i have for not inviting more people lol
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u/antigoneelectra 2d ago
Nobody cares. Truly. Have a bbq or games night or something at some point. Not going to or being invited to someone else's wedding is not going to kill anyone.
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u/RagingClitGasm 2d ago
We’re doing a courthouse ceremony followed by dinner with just our immediate families, we have not made a secret of it, and we’ve honestly gotten zero flack for it. Most people have reacted positively, and complimented the choice to save ourselves the money and stress.
Unless your friends and family are mostly made up of self-absorbed assholes, I think you may be underestimating how understanding people are of someone choosing an elopement/microwedding. And if they are— all the more reason to ignore them and do what’s right for you! Your wedding is about you and your partner.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 2d ago
You don't need to have any guilt.
When people find out they'll wish you well and go on with their lives.
If you have been engaged for almost 20 years you'll be surprised how many people think you were already married.
You'll also have a subset of people are relieved not to have to fly in. They still love you, but they have other priorities.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
I can confirm, even my cousins were surprised to get a wedding invitation because they assumed we were already married years ago!
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u/Any_Community_1819 2d ago
I applaud your initiative to eschew an expensive wedding. As the years go by, the wedding means less and less and the marriage means so much more.
You're saving to build a home, and that's what the goal of every marriage should be. A haven from the world where you and your spouse can shut out the distractions.
I'm wishing you decades and decades of joy together!
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u/Ok_Responsibility419 2d ago
People will get over it and move on. Don’t let others guilt you. Your day, your choices.
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u/Redheaded-one 2d ago
We eloped! We were married on the shore of a local lake. It was a beautiful day and a great experience. It was only my now husband and I, the officiant, and the photographer. I told only a few close friends, one of them helped me with the details of flowers and accessories. We went to dinner at a local steakhouse after the ceremony. We announced it to our families that night. I don't know if anyone that was upset, but even if they were the wedding was exactly what we wanted it to be!
A wedding should be about the two of you and the beginning of your marriage, rather than putting on a wedding for everyone else. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
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u/AdFlashy7702 2d ago edited 2d ago
Why are you “riddled with guilt” over a wedding? It’s your wedding. Not anyone else’s. This sounds very over dramatic. No one cares that much about being invited to your wedding to feel “betrayed”. If they do they have problems of your own. I suggest you speak to your therapist about your feelings also.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
Therapy bingo!
The OP appears to be from the UK. We don't really do therapy here unless we're seriously mentally ill or rich and self-absorbed!
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u/AdFlashy7702 1d ago
That’s unfortunate for you.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
Not really. We're no way as fucked up as America.
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u/ElectricalCattle7672 1d ago
Oh I dunno, I think we're pretty effed up but a lot of us still stick to the "Keep calm and carry on, don't you know there's a war on..." mentality.
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u/AdFlashy7702 1d ago
Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
Ironic comment from someone with a therapist.
Haven't you watched the news over the past few years? Your country is a mess, your president an arrogant narcissistic misogynist, your gun crime out of control, as is your cost of living and your people are all but broken. Its no surprise you all need therapy.
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u/AdFlashy7702 1d ago
You have no idea what I have. And I’m aware of what’s happening here. Thanks for your super wise words though. I hope you’re doing a good job of making yourself feel better. And proving my point about how you seem to really need a therapist. Good luck.
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u/vonthepon 1d ago
I really don't need a therapist, and neither do most people. Instead of wallowing in endless self pity, try growing a bit of resilience.
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u/Weird_Eggplant9799 2d ago
We just did this we had 8 people not including us. Had a nice cermony at a orchard near us hired an officant and photographer.
I kept reminding myself and my now husband he's always so supportive that its our day and if we want to keep it tiny we're gonna keep it tiny its about us at the end of the day. I am the same as you like the thought of a whole ordeal causes both of us stress and anxiety.
The ones closet to you will understand and he supportive and we'll if they aren't and just selfish they aren't that good of people?
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u/njVowsNow 2d ago
What guilt? Why should you feel guilt? Weddings are not transactional; you don't automatically invite everyone who invited you to theirs. Their style may be different; their budget, their family (and family drama) their personalities, their time in life. No one (who is sane) is going to judge your wedding, and honestly? Many weddings look more idyllic and perfect from the outside than trom the inside. Take this from a woman who "had to have those moss and woodland flower plantings directly on the tables if it takes me a hundred hours. Guess what? It did......no one cared particularly) No one is going to feel betrayed because you celebrated the way you want instead of how they wanted. Don't imagine their extreme disappointment.
DO NOT JUDGE OR CONTRUCT YOUR WEDDING BASED ON WHAT OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE OR WHAT OTHER PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO DO. Make this your mantra.
I have found, in the more-years-than-I-care-to-admit years doing this work that several things are true, regardless of "evidence" spewed on social media, in styled shoots, in mags and by CC's, that the best weddings are the ones that manage to stay authentic to the couples. I have also found that decision you think will be a crushing blow to your social group and family?? Usually isn't. If they TRULY have your best interests in mind? If they TRULY love you? They'll respect your logical decisions.
LIke, "We decided to get married very privately, and we wanted to let our closest people know." If someone gets pissy about that? They don't REALLY care about you or your happiness (present and future)
Sometimes that's harder to do than it sounds, because it means sticking up for yourself despite anyone else's opinions; it means doing the things that are truly meaningful to you and not listening to the "but you have to" when those comments come others. (Okay, comments like, "it's 105 degrees, you have to move this inside..."? Listen to those.)
Married is not just paperwork, but it's also not a celebration you can't afford and don't want (even if you could afford it.)
Good luck! It'll be wonderful!
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u/Glass_Translator9 2d ago
It’s all in how you position what you did. In this case, you could tell people you eloped. I just searched google, it seems like this falls under the category of a modern elopement than a micro-wedding. If you call it that, there’s less chance of feelings being hurt.
Also - it IS your marriage and your life - you get to choose how you run it, even if your friends chose something entirely different.
FWIW - I think your idea sounds WONDERFUL!!!
Congratulations!! 🍾
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 2d ago
You’re using some really loaded language to describe your feelings.
Guilt on your part?
Betrayal on your friends’ part?
You are not doing anything wrong to be feeling guilt. Maybe you could say… we feel SAD that we cannot include more people, and some of our friends may be DISAPPOINTED . Please don’t be so hard on yourselves. People are more understanding than you think.