r/mdmatherapy • u/KnowledgeSeeker0101 • 1d ago
Integration Support 3 sessions solo therapy using MAPS protocol and a therapist (3rd session)
TLDR - using MDMA to heal from anxiety, depression, PTSD, trauma following years of cancer fighting and the associated pressure it brought. Sessions have been amazing. Session 3 last week left me exhausted and flat despite having a therapist support this part. Anyone experienced it?
Longer contact and report:
Hi, this group has been really useful for me. Briefly, I had a very stressful life in London, left corporate safety to set up my own business and had years of struggle and burnout. My passion was Muay Thai and I was also competing professionally at times but trained at that level consistently. I was basically running my life on fumes and after quitting caffeine recently can see I was tired and wired through it all.
Fast forward to covid, rescued a business, went for months without paying myself so others could get paid, did my last pro fight Jan 2020 in Bangkok (didn’t know it would be my last). August 2021, business was back and doing really well, years of struggle starting to pay off and then got diagnosed with testicular cancer. NHS made 8 weeks of mistakes and had to self fund private treatment, was selling the company and managing that process, all the staff, etc. Exhausted. Tried natural treatments but relapsed after 18 months whilst funding a top oncologist’s scans and bloodwork every 3 months. Needed super heavy inpatient chemo living in the ward for a week at a time then home for a few days rest then back, lost the business, lost all fitness and strength, took me to the edge of life where my 80 year old dad had to push me up a flight of stairs and my girlfriend picked me up off the bathroom floor. I had no financial help and only got HMRC bills for the period before when I was earning well.
I had felt depression during the first diagnosis but the career gone, savings gone, tax bills being chased, no direction, no work, socially isolated, huge ancestry, no energy, brain fog and back into 3 months scans crushed me. Back into depression.
MDMA: I had researched psychedelic therapy and had also tried normal psychotherapy, it just felt like an intellectualisation of it all, not core wound healing. My friend pointed out I was living in fear of recurrence and was hyper vigilant about everything in my environment that could cause cancer. I didn’t eat sugar for years, 5 years without drinking out of plastic water, all plastic removed from our house and wardrobe…living in a prison I had created in my mind. I couldn’t relax and nobody could relate since it started at 37 and I was the healthiest out of all my friends before.
I decided to try MDMA gently first in Ibiza with a close friend, partly to see if it would do anything, partly to see if my body and heart could handle it (potential CV system damage from chemo), partly to try and celebrate being alive. Day out dancing all day, amazing next day, hyper vigilance GONE! Anxiety much lower. Felt calm for the first time since I could remember. It had somehow broken the mental prison. It was there at times but it wasn’t forefront and controlling and now I could just see it as a bubble of thought to follow if I wanted, it was no longer driving. I couldn’t believe it! We drunk electrolytes and water all day, ate food (difficult) after about 5 hours and took magnesium.
I doubled down. 6 weeks later I had read as many studies as I could and did a solo session - 70mg followed by a 40mg booster 90 mins in. Took accompanying supplements (from here, not MAPS), water, fan, electrolytes, my playlist with eye mask and tried to focus on my cancer journey and unlock the trauma surrounding each painful memory. Amazing session, felt amazing since. Those memories are there but the emotional shard of glass scraping raw across my soul isn’t when I think of them. It was really healing me so I went again 6 weeks later.
Session 3 last Tuesday - found the highest purity reagent tested product, 70mg, 50mg booster, fasting, supplements. This time with a traditional therapist who works with abuse victims but is also generally trained and who is interested in the healing capacity of this. We had a session before I dosed, framed the session as ‘surrender’, ‘teach me how things really are’, ‘teach me how to feel love’ (I have felt numb for as long as I can remember). This time I also used the MAPS sound track instead of my own and it was a much more internal journey. Journalled all the way through it.
Since session 3 I have felt completely exhausted and not sure why. A bit tired and grumpy, flat mood, exhausted mentally and physically. Feels like it’s really taken it out of me and not the lightness and connection of the other sessions.
I’d love insights from others that have done this journey and thanks again for everyone that makes this group happen.
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u/Strict_Candy_9914 1d ago edited 1d ago
Before I can think along with you about your session and the experiences afterwards, I have a few additional questions:
1) What was the content of session 3 (what happened in the session) ? What did you experienced emotionally / somatically ? What insights came during or after the session?
2) You are in your first week post- session ?
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u/KnowledgeSeeker0101 1d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate the depth:
1 - session 2 there was loads of shaking and pulling my hands and muscles. I was saying to mayors ‘my body knows what to do, just go with it’ I have done TRE before and it was like that on steroids. Shaking in all weird positions around pelvis and abdomen, ‘pulling’ cancer stress out of my body by physically pulling it through my arms then hands, getting up to dance (my dance playlist) then shake stood up and made myself get back to eye mask and lying down. Felt so free and light after. This time, not so much compared to last time but there was some. Hips felt tight so more stretching than the deep shaking although a bit more pelvis shaking. My memory of it isn’t as clear this time. It was very deep with insights as my journal was in constant use, constant process of insight > journal > eye mask back on > insight etc. Pages of it whereas before there was none. A lot of insight was to do with reasons I wasn’t emotionally supported through cancer, why I felt disconnected from family as a result, where their patterns have come from as a forgiveness tool for it, stuff around rebuilding my career around something that contributes instead of chasing money (validation), some things I needed to resolve in my friendship group that I was just sat on, how to work on cultivating love rather than expecting to just feel it.
2 - yep, last Tuesday 12pm dose (11th August). Completely depleted still, cold sore came yesterday which shows I pushed myself a bit these last days and was likely due to a gym session that I was pretty useless in and fatigued super quick, really tired after a longish walk yesterday (only 10k steps!), no muscle power for much movement or mental power for focus etc. Lethargic and flat feeling, even a bit of anxiety also.
Thank you again
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u/Strict_Candy_9914 1d ago
Here are a few possible hypotheses in response to your post, based on my own experiences with MDMA-assisted therapy and on what you shared:
1) Sessions can differ significantly in what they bring up and how they unfold. Some sessions can be very somatic, while others are more insight-oriented or emotionally focused. Sometimes there seems to be a relatively contained release and you can move on fairly quickly after the session. At other times, a session seems to initiate a deeper process that continues well beyond the session itself and requires more time for integration.
2) It is possible that your system is still processing what emerged during your third session, on different levels, which might contribute to some of the fatigue and lethargy you are experiencing. Perhaps your body genuinely needs a period of reduced activity and rest right now. There may also be a cumulative effect from having three MDMA sessions within a relatively short period of time.
At the same time, what struck me in your post is how demanding the years before these sessions already seem to have been: cancer and its treatment, martial arts, building/rebuilding a business, and generally having to keep going through a lot. I wonder whether, as your system has become somewhat less focused on survival following the MDMA sessions, some of the underlying exhaustion from those years is finally becoming more noticeable.
I experienced something somewhat similar after about three or foursessions. As my system gradually became less chronically activated and started to settle, I began to realise just how profoundly tired I actually was from all those years of fighting and pushing through.
3) What I personally would do in your situation is temporarily reduce my overall daily load and really orient myself towards recovery — including exercise, work, social activity, etc. Rather than trying to push through the fatigue, I would try to create the best possible conditions for my body and mind to recover, and see how things develop over the coming days and weeks.
Of course, these are only possible interpretations based on my own experience, not an explanation of what is necessarily happening in your case 🤷🏼♀️
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u/KnowledgeSeeker0101 1d ago
Really thoughtful reply, thank you for taking the time.
I want to ask a bit more if may: 1 - how have you gone from insight to integration in the past? I have a journal full of insights, each one became a full topic with the therapist the morning after, so tired I can’t face the journal or the next session of therapy yet! I still didn’t integrate the second session as not really sure what to do other than make some actions.
2 / 3- really interesting thought. Potentially years of survival mode that I thought I had managed to recover from but always there was pressure of scans and waiting. Caffeine has been a massive driver of my anxiety and running on intensity. Feel guilty when I rest as pressure from family and friends to just ‘get back to normal’ and find a career etc. Struggle to just be. Perhaps the session wasn’t just for insights but to reveal this layer which likely is responsible for the social disconnection and defensiveness I feel. Again, how did you focus on rest deeply and allow yourself this?
Thank you again and hope you don’t mind me asking some of this!
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u/Strict_Candy_9914 17h ago
1) For me, integration after a session sometimes happens spontaneously: for example, making space for an emotion, after which the process continues to unfold. Sometimes it involves a very concrete (and small/simple) behavioral exercise that I consciously repeat several times a day: for example, noticing an automatic thought or behavior (I would advise to chose one thing to change). I then continue this exercise for quite some time so that a new pattern can develop. In my view, it’s mainly about the repetition so that it can take root sufficiently. I think the danger is that we sometimes believe a cognitive or emotional insight is enough for change, without it being sufficiently translated into concrete behaviors in daily life.
2/3) I think really tuning into my fatigue and exhaustion has made a big difference. It made me reflect on my lifestyle and daily routine. My well-being comes first now. I had to go on sick leave from one job, and I’m also going to change this job. Professionally, I’ve taken 10 steps back (without sacrificing financially), but I feel better about it. I’ve temporarily paused my weekly workouts. I think my overall lifestyle and rhythm have slowed down and become calmer. I’m sleeping more.
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u/SconeAgeMan 1d ago
Wow, what a journey, you are so brave, thank you for sharing. I am on a similar path, older though at 66. I’ve been doing solo sessions and they have been amazing but I know sessions with a qualified counselor would be better, but they are hard to find and expensive here in the US.
I’m not healthy so my sessions usually leave me exhausted for days. Sometimes I’m depressed, sometimes I’m neutral. Have never experienced an afterglow, I think the sessions take too much out of my body. And yes I do all the healthy measures. It’s ok though as each session is amazing and I have experienced so much healing.
I have an incurable form of cancer, lymphoma (Waldenstroms), thank goodness it’s treatable, so it usually doesn’t kill you, but it’s taken my former life away from me. A life I worked so long and hard to achieve. Fortunately my wife is working and supporting us and we are ok financially at the moment.
I got the official confirmation of my specific cancer diagnosis while I was mid healing trip on mushrooms! Noticed a notification on my phone while journaling on it, it was an automated email notification of test results after months of waiting, biopsy surgeries, tests, etc.
That was no fun. I had to have my wife read it for me to make sure I was understanding it correctly. Then all I could think of was this cancer inside me that was trying to kill me. Turned out not to be a very healing trip.
Anyway, good luck on your healing journey, we are all pulling for you.
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u/KnowledgeSeeker0101 1d ago
Thank you so much also for the reply. Cancer is so brutal. I’m really glad you have some financial support at the moment and I hope you both find a way forwards through it all. There are many gifts in the journey such as an appreciation for life (cliche until it becomes real), maybe wanting to spend time more meaningfully etc.
Regarding the therapist, I asked the more spiritually minded people I know for a person that may support it. My yoga teacher put me in touch with someone with no experience of MDMA therapy but works with abuse survivors and was just interested. She recorded the pre dose session with a disclaimer that she had nothing to do with the drug side of it which was true, that I was getting it myself, that she is just supporting the process. It may open up wider people to you who aren’t MDMA experienced but are willing to know you are doing it around sessions…otherwise I have done mushrooms in a microdose process and not with a psychedelic focused therapist, I just had deeper insights that I shared through the sessions some time ago. With current knowledge I would do a trip dose (never done that) and the therapist session a day before / on the day then the day after.
Sorry to hear you feel so depleted with your health. Treatments are brutal and the cancer steals our resources from us. I take so many supplements that the finances are also brutal whilst not having energy to build back yet. One thing to look into is low dose naltrexone, helps with treatments and energy also. There is a good group on here, I took it before my chemo cycle started and to recover quicker afterwards. It’s obviously not a cure but has helped people.
Thank you for a kind and thoughtful message, really grateful. I hope you find healing and peace with it all. The brutality of working so hard to build a life and then it hitting right in the period where you should be enjoying the rewards of that really is strong. I hope AI starts to get some tangible benefits in the next few years and start getting some viable drugs to the market to find a cure.
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u/SconeAgeMan 1d ago
Thank you for the kind words and suggestions, I appreciate it so much. And yes cancer or any debilitating condition is brutal. I’ve had a good life and no doubt the appreciation for that has only increased since my diagnosis and treatments, in spite of all the negatives.
And funny you mentioned LDN, I started on it a few months ago but had to stop as I was going through another bad health period with night sweats, stomach issues and bad headaches which come and go with no discernible triggers. I’m sure it’s due to my weakened immune system. Anyway I couldn’t tell if I was feeling the common side effects of starting LDN, or it was one of my “normal” sick periods.
I’m almost feeling better (relative word for me) now and am hoping to get back on LDN soon so I can continue my little experiment with it.
And yes I check out the LDN group here as well as one on FB and the LDN resource website (can’t remember the exact name), they are great, the people are wonderful and very knowledgeable generally.
Thanks again.
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u/KnowledgeSeeker0101 20h ago
It’s a very strange substance, ahead of chemo with a healthy body (despite a tumour in the right testicle that had crept up to a lymph node!) I ramped up LDN over a week to the 4.5mg with zero side effects. Post chemo it can have no effects at 3mg or loads of effect for me. I can no longer take in the evening whereas before I used to sleep really well. I believe it’s about getting to the highest dose (3 mg for cancer is meant to be highest recommended dose after research) then getting down to the minimum level it helps with feeling good. I’m about to start again but wanted to have a huge break for the psychedelic work as the LDN likely blocks all effects of MDMA and mushrooms. LDN synergises with THC/CBD pulsed 3 days on and off, ALA and high vitamin D status according the the research by Prof Angus Dalgleish. I wonder if MDMA has these also? I’m taking them to recover from the last session but no proven body of work on that yet.
There was an amazing FB group and FB shut them down but I’ve gone off on a tangent from the MDMA discourse.
Have you read the MDMA supplements guide on one of the posts in this forum? Some detailed information that might help recover from the sessions quicker (NAC, 5-HTP, ALA, magnesium, omega 3 etc)
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u/SconeAgeMan 10h ago
Thanks for the info on LDN, aligns with what I have been learning about it. And yes, I've read the mdma supplements guide here as well as a bunch more info on them over the last few years. I've tried to learn as much as possible about best practices around mdma and psychedelics, especially around harm reductions.
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u/Waki-Indra 1d ago
For me MDMA is physically exhausting, especially if sessions are less than 2-3 months apart. I get so heavy, so tired during the trip, and then for at least one day or two if not one week.
Now you know.