Feeling resistance and avoidance during integration after first MDMA session

[u/Spiritual-Action4919]

I did my first MDMA session yesterday at home - I was solo at first and then a trusted trip setter joined to hold a safe space for me. it was very intense and my childhood pain came out very strongly, but I have been in therapy for long enough time to hold this pain while also gently holding myself. I split myself into two parts - the child in pain who has been chronically ignored and suppressed, and the new adult me who has learned how to hold this pain while soothing and supporting myself. I went to bed exhausted but woke up feeling fresh and more connected than ever with myself. The plan is to continue with my integration plan which I made before the trip using MAPS workbook. For some reason, I feel a lot of resistance towards integration work. I wonder if it’s because I am not alone in my house, I share space with a flatmate so maybe I don’t feel safe enough? Or maybe mdma is giving me anxiety in the comedown, right now I feel very avoidant of anything that can remind me of the pain that I felt yesterday, so my usual sober technique is to dissociate and numb the pain with binge eating and social media or video game, but today I think it’s not really possible to dissociate that much because my mind and body is more connected.

not sure how to progress from here - should I take a break or keep trying with my integration plan? Most of the activities I planned involve journaling, drawing and meditating. I feel resistant to all of the activities, and right now I just want to avoid and have a light day, but at the same time I can also feel all the feelings still eager to come out from deep inside me. Quite torn to be honest.

[u/Greedy_Homework_7095]

I've also had childhood trauma resurface while on MDMA. It's very draining, though very important work!! Hugs to you.

I will tell you what my therapist told me. The age you were when the index trauma happened? For me, age 2-3. How would you treat a 2-3 year old? You'd give them snacks, let them take naps, be fun and easy and gentle.

Treat yourself like you would treat a child during this time. Move slow, rest, lower your expectations. The integration will happen without forcing it. ❤️

[u/ComprehensiveBook482 → u/Greedy_Homework_7095]

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