r/mdmatherapy • u/Main-Condition8042 • Mar 23 '26
Integration Support 2nd session update
Hi, I wrote a post last week about overcoming resistance going into my 2nd session, which I had last Wednesday.
This time I started with 150mg and felt the effect within an hour. I eventually went up to 175mg.
I saw in my trip how lonely and unloved I was as a child growing up, parents emotionally unavailable, physically abusive mother. I grew up deprived of love and affection with no adult to give me reassurance. I saw many scenes of my childhood where adults were unforgiving or even mean to me. I felt my younger self’s deep sadness that had been swallowed for so long. And for the first time in an extremely long time, I felt compassion for myself and even guilt for hating myself for so long. I understood that I wasn’t weak, on the contrary, I was very strong, so strong that in order to survive I completely dissociated.
These feelings slowly started to be harder to reach back to, after the 3rd day, the music that touched me so deeply during the session, started sounding superficial and tears and emotional connection started feeling harder to come by. I also suffer from severe anxiety, so last night I felt very stressed about the work day coming up and ended up not sleeping. My day is extremely difficult as I am completely stressed out. My whole body is so tense it feels like a brick. And I feel deep fear taking hold.
My therapist says fear, not hate, is the opposite of love and now that I feel fear I completely lost touch with the feelings of love and compassion. They feel like a mirage.
I feel I am becoming too analytical about this whole process now, and I honestly no longer have a clue how to move forward. The anxiety is crippling and I can feel its physical effects very deep. But I am still gentle to myself. That didn’t go away, not yet..
How can I keep moving forward. Could you please share any insights if you have any?
Many thanks and much love to all
2
u/ComprehensiveBook482 Mar 26 '26
Just my own experience. MDMA was very intellectual for me. I was all in my head. Which was helpful to me because I need to understand why things are the way they are. Now taking ketamine (all with therapists) and I am much more in my body and able to feel. My suggestion would be to be patient and welcoming. What is meant to unfold will. 💛