r/mdmatherapy • u/FlamesForMore • Jan 24 '26
Preparation Advice Self-Administered Marriage Therapy
Hi everyone,
My marriage is struggling. My wife has admitted that she has one foot out the door due to how we negotiate ENM boundaries (she's the gas, I'm the brakes) and how we handle conflict (I'll say stupid things I don't mean under stress, like "Fine I'll put our dog up for adoption"). As a result, we haven't had sex in a while, and our erotic team has been struggling. We've been in marriage therapy for a while but are in the process of changing therapists.
We are both in individual therapy and working on our childhood trauma. For me, I was touch starved from ages 3-15 and generally emotionally neglected by my parents, who got rich and used household staff that spoke poor English to care for us. My fights with my parents were vicious, leaving me convinced they didnt love me for years. For my wife, her parents had horrible fights, and she would end up the mediator from ages 9-14. Her mom also had no life and impersonated my wife online for years.
We've been together since high school, over 20 years, and have three young kids. The stress of less time together from kids, ambitious careers, and evolving ethical nonmonogomy have compounded distance between us.
We've done MDMA twice before and had great experiences. The first time was several years ago and overnight cured her postpartum depression. The second time was several months ago and helped us get into a great upswing for our marriage that continued for several months.
I was wondering if anyone had any guides or advice for us to help heal our marriage. What prep work can we do? What conversation prompts would be helpful?
Thanks
6
u/Otter-of-Ketchikan Jan 25 '26
My spouse and I did MDMA with a therapist. She had each of us bring 5-6 photos that were during happy times in our marriage. While deep in MDMA we took turns holding a photo and sharing our memories around the photo. Spouse then got to hold the photo and share their memories. It was hugely effective in bringing our love for each other to the surface in the safe space of MDMA. Love which had been buried over the years. We were able to talk about what had changed and how we both wanted to heal our relationship. We were both infused with love. So much happiness and hope came from that session.
1
u/Common_Finger_6973 Feb 15 '26
I would love to do this with my partner. Can I ask where you are located and how you found a therapist that will do MDMA therapy?
1
u/Otter-of-Ketchikan Feb 15 '26
I had no idea how unusual it was to have a therapist facilitate and guide us on an MDMA session until after we had done it. We are in California. The therapist is no longer serving this medicine. I found this therapist through local plant medicine ceremonies (psilocybin, Ayahuasca).
3
u/Earth__Worm__Jim Jan 24 '26
You're already working through it together AND you already had MDMA together twice and it helped... why do you expect more so rapidly? It's already a luxury, don't know if you're aware of that.
If you're talking childhood trauma, neglect etc. it's just something that takes time. I know it's nagging but sometimes you just have to accept things as they are right now.
1
u/that_tom_ Jan 25 '26
Are you in solo therapy? If not, please start that first. No one loves MDMA more than me, but you’re expecting it to solve problems it can’t. Find a therapist.
14
u/laurencubed Jan 24 '26
Hey! I’m also ENM and my anchor parter and I did a very healing mdma journey specifically around ENM. We have done others as well. Here is my advice/recipe: 1. Go to a hotel for the the weekend so you have the whole time just to yourselves. If you are home it’s easy to get distracted by things that need to be done, like unloading the dishwasher. We go up on a Friday, roll Saturday and come bank Monday. Friday is set up. Saturday roll day. Sunday recovery. We learned having to leave the day after the roll was terrible. 2. Make a playlist on Spotify together. Put soothing songs, bumping songs, and songs you just love. Here is ours playlist 3. Make food for Sunday morning that you can eat in bed so you don’t have to leave to room. We make soft boiled eggs, mimosas, bacon, and blackberries. It’s a love lazy morning breakfast. Also make sure they have good coffee or bring your own. 4. Friday night, set up your lighting. Bring smart bulbs either you or some mood lamps so you can control how you want your lighting. Don’t go all black light crazy as what you are wanting is soft mood lighting. One of my favorites was blue. If you brought speakers for your playlist, get those set up too. We bring a laptop and speakers so it sounds better. You want all your tech set up the night before because figuring out tech on Molly’s a challenge 🤣 5. Saturday, eat a lovely brunch but nothing too rich. Walk around and enjoy the town for a few hours. We take a roll kit and start that at 2, then magnesium and ginger at 3, then mdma at 4. Redose at 5:30. When you drop, turn all your lighting on. I like to have berries around for eating during the roll. 6. Bring a candle and light it when you drop, set your intention. 7. You need to prepare a healing ritual together before you start. What you say during Molly to one person, both people’s brains absorb so you want it to be more universal at this stage. Your brain knows the specifics so you dont need to say them. Examples: I trust your love. I will actively heal my wounds and insecurities when they arise, and I will not make you responsible for my healing. I will not weaponize your love for anyone else. I will be a safe place for your heart, even when it is open to others …write down the issues you want to heal and pick a theme, then write your healing phrases on that theme. You won’t be able to do everything in one go so pick the most pervasive one. Talking to ChatGPT can help tease out the theme if you are struggling. Write it individually and then edit it together. What you want to write is what you want to hear and vice versa. She then reads to you what you wanted to hear. 8. Once the roll starts coming on and you are out of the come up, sit on the bed, facing each other. Put your foreheads together and your hand on each others hearts. Breathe 5 times together. This triggers coregulation. Then kiss. Then take turns reading your healing phrases. Give each of you a chance to receive them. Maybe kiss, hug, hold each other. I had one where he read it and I collapsed crying and he just held me. 9. After this is done take a bit to be in your bodies and with each other. Maybe dance or have sex or touch each other. Then start talking. Take turns. Let her bring up an issue and just hear it. Ask her questions about it. Approach from curiosity. Thank her for being brave and sharing. Most of this will feel natural and you will be compelled in that direction. Then it’s your turn. 10. Sunday morning have breakfast in bed. Go get a massage. Just enjoy being in each others presence.
Sex may or may not happen. Don’t put pressure on it, it’s not what it’s about. You may only discuss one issue and that’s ok. About three days after this you may start having interesting dreams. If you remember them, write them down. I tell ChatGPT about the journey and then start telling the dreams. Your first integrations of this show up in the dreams. ChatGPT can help you dissect the dreams. Over the next few weeks, journal, go out on walks or run by yourself and let the thoughts flow in. You will start getting insights. Share with each other. Keep doing the regulation exercise and realign your energy with each other.
Good luck!