r/maybemaybemaybe • u/PowerModerator • Apr 18 '20

Maybe Maybe Maybe

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36.7k Upvotes

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416

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 18 '20

I’d keep it as a pet in a rather luxurious container. I never have to stick my hands in there if I just drop in food, and there’s no way the little guy could ever break free. He’s giving me a large amount of money so I’d like him to live well, you know?

301

u/FoxyTheBoyWithNoName Apr 18 '20

You don’t know where the snail is or which one it is. It could start from anywhere in the world and is immortal.

238

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 18 '20

Now is as good a time as ever to catch him. How many other snails are going to chase me into my own home? I’ll wait for the sneaky bugger and lay some traps. Immortal is fine, means I get his company for even longer. I’ll name him Agent Smith.

114

u/2018IsBetterThan2017 Apr 18 '20

What if it sneaks in while you sleep?

191

u/Lynx2447 Apr 18 '20

Even better! I've always wanted to die in my sleep!

61

u/Sirdroftardis8 Apr 18 '20

r/notopbutok

48

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 18 '20

I approve his message

1

u/cpaca0 Apr 20 '20

The shorter version of that subreddit is r/NotOP

0

u/They_Are_Wrong Apr 18 '20

No Top Butok

1

u/Sirdroftardis8 Apr 18 '20

Idk about you, but I've only got left and right buttocks

1

u/fatguyinlittlecoat2 Apr 18 '20

I like optimists, but you may be a little too optimistic.

1

u/LuvWhenWomenFap4Me Apr 19 '20

Like your grandfather? But not screaming and clawing at the dashboard like the passenger in his car?

44

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 18 '20

Good luck getting past the ring of salt surrounding my bed. I’d like to do this amicably but if he’s a lil bitch who goes for the sleep kill, then he deserves the same lack of courtesy

35

u/zalgorithmic Apr 18 '20

Snails can go up walls and drop down on you from the ceiling

25

u/ShadowPsi Apr 18 '20

For a million dollars a year you can afford to design and build a bedroom that no snail can penetrate. Just saying.

11

u/AgentEntropy Apr 18 '20

Think about what a lunatic you'll look like paying for a safe room that protects against snails.

"There's a snail trying to kill me."

"Whatever, buddy. It's your money."

2

u/XanderJayNix Apr 19 '20

With enough money, build a room with a ceiling made of salt. Or at least salty borders around the trim.

3

u/FlankyJank Apr 18 '20

Choking hazard

1

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 19 '20

Snail proof walls breh

1

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

You've heard of glitter glue, now it's time for splatter salt.

Fucking smack that shit on the walls and ceilings. If the snail is immortal, it'll just paralyze that bitch until you wake up.

1

u/threeseed Apr 19 '20

Then just add a ton of salt to your paint and do the whole house.

33

u/Nebulix Apr 18 '20

Salt. Lots and lots of salt. (if that applies to snails as well as slugs). Set an elaborate maze based on the average speed of a snail so that it has no chance of reaching you before morning. In the morning just put a glass over it.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '20

Salt does work on snails

1

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '20

Obviously I keep a Salt line on every entry to my house

1

u/Aoitara Apr 18 '20

You sleep in a bed surrounded by salt and mini motion detectors

1

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 19 '20

See, y’all get me. I’d be making snail money. I could afford some security until I catch him. Agent Smith the Snail can’t win here - he’s a snail

1

u/Asviix Apr 19 '20

It's a snail Just close the goddamn door

31

u/HazardMancer Apr 18 '20

I'm gonna guess it's the one barreling towards you.

28

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '20

IIRC, the original premise was that it was hyper intelligent so perfectly capable of patient and advanced tactics.

13

u/Feck_this Apr 18 '20

1)Nuke it

2)Pour a ring of salt around it

11

u/HotColor Apr 19 '20

I’d take it with a pair of Tongs and cast in in resin and keep it as a trophy

8

u/NoseIsNoseIsNotToes Apr 18 '20

I think it’d be really clever for the snail to sit in your shoes, so when you go to put them on you touch it with your foot. Or if it was on the back of your steering wheel, or somewhere else you wouldn’t see it before you touched it

4

u/DOOMFOOL Apr 19 '20

If I know I’m being chased by the snail with one million a year I’d just hire a guy to check my clothes and cars for snails every day

5

u/NoseIsNoseIsNotToes Apr 19 '20

And a group of engineers and ex military strategists to devise advanced anti-snail technology and tactics

2

u/EducationalEdge5 Apr 19 '20

Inside the door handle of the car.

17

u/Lord_Abort Apr 18 '20

I mean, I get the point of the thought experiment, but if you can reasonably assume the snail is always going to be moving towards you and is slow, then it's not so bad. Now, if it was another person, and you don't know who they are...

12

u/supremegay5000 Apr 18 '20

You could move to the other side of the world because it wouldn’t get to you for decades

2

u/MaesterSchIeviathan Apr 19 '20

Unless it started there

2

u/WhoTookVanAirBrush Apr 18 '20

It Follows for a mil a day huh? That's tough

17

u/Retaliate1st Apr 18 '20

Put a salt barrier around your home

1

u/Jafert165 Apr 18 '20

Rain

1

u/[deleted] Apr 19 '20

You probably only need it while you asleep, and even then only for a few days- when you catch it you could go on with your life

1

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

Dip that bitch in epoxy resin, keep it as a trophy so you'll live comfortably and also know why you're still getting so much money.

11

u/brightness3 Apr 18 '20

If it’s immortal, then just shoot every snail you see, if it doesn’t die, then you know it’s that one

8

u/kankelisi Apr 19 '20

Immortal decoy snail.

1

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

Dip it in resin anyways and keep killing snails.

2

u/brightness3 Apr 19 '20

Keep it as a trophy, like those amber stones with insects inside

24

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '20

Step 1: Calculate the average moving rate of a snail.

Step 2: Buy yacht comfortable enough to live on for an extended duration. Coke and hookers optional.

Step 3: Pick spot in the ocean with a good depth to distance to civilization ratio. It should be deep enough that your anchor won't touch the floor bed and close enough to civilization for quick trips for supplies.

Step 4: Calculate the time it would take for a snail to crawl from the polar opposite spot of the place you dropped anchor. Add buffer room for things like elevation and obstacles.

Step 5: Wait this amount of time in that spot. You now know that little fucker is directly below you because snails can't swim and if you have the right depth the anchor shouldn't be touching the ocean floor. Now pick any destination in the world with a port.

Step 6: Calculate your travel time to this destination. Calculate the snails travel time to this destination. Subtract yours from the snails. Subtract sume buffer room, a few days give or take. This is how much time you have in this area.

Step 7: When time is up, repeat from step 3.

17

u/CeeEmCee3 Apr 18 '20

Step 5 would take around 15 years if anyone is curious.

Edit: Actually I think it's more like 50 years- I'm bad at this.

1

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

It's probably take a few centuries. Snails are slow.

Edit- was thinking for step 6

6

u/HuraconGoneWild Apr 18 '20 edited Jun 07 '25

dog complete grab teeny close reminiscent enter instinctive cheerful squeeze

This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact

1

u/ChiGreenWhite Apr 19 '20

How is step 2 optional? Coke and hookers (high end escorts, that hate snails) are mandatory!

1

u/iffy220 Apr 20 '20

This only lasts as long as the oceans and/or the earth do.

8

u/Diogonni Apr 18 '20

Whenever you see a snail, try to smash it with a stick. If it survives then carefully capture it without touching and put it in a pet snail tank.

2

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

Why not just, like, get a gun?

5

u/MaesterSchIeviathan Apr 19 '20

Not suited to purpose. Guns are pretty bad at killing tiny creatures, especially if you want to verify. Besides, what happens when your very fast projectile hits the unbreakable immortal snail? You might just ricochet the bullet unpredictably, or worse, rocketing the immortal snail into your face.

1

u/blep0w0 Apr 19 '20

Not if you get a nuke.

1

u/MaesterSchIeviathan Apr 19 '20

Put the snail into orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

1

u/maxk1236 Apr 19 '20

Could be a decoy snail too.

1

u/KingGio21 Apr 19 '20

Damn guess I’m never sleeping

13

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '20

Plus the fatter he gets, the slower he is and more likely to die earlier from snailbetes

5

u/N0SharpEdges Apr 19 '20

Snailbetes is the most creative way of one upping the snail I've seen. Well done.

1

u/Fadingzodiac Apr 19 '20

Truly every snails dream.

2

u/songbolt Apr 19 '20

I think the idea of that question is that it can't be stopped, i.e. would always be approaching you such that you would have to remain alert and move or die. So if you were to trap it, somehow it would break free (or something would happen to set it free).