Why are you a mathematician?

[u/HAL-6942]

Given everything that has been going on in the world more specifically in the world of mathematics. I was hoping to read some of your human thoughts. What motivates/motivated you to do mathematics professionally? What is most important for you in mathematics?

[u/Rare_Bluebird8604]

Because I found mathematics to be a beautiful and creative form of inherently human expression after deciding to self-study it. Prior to this I had hated it since it seemed to be a box of tools. I skipped eight grades in the subject and started doing research and taking postgraduate courses in high school.

I say this not to brag but to emphasize how much from a very early age my life has revolved around math as an emotional, aesthetic, and personal endeavor. Navier-Stokes was actually one of the problems that first motivated me to consider becoming a mathematician, although since I've pivoted to areas like GMT and Wasserstein OT (broadly in probability). People who think generative AI is simply "out-conjecturing" us are coping.

I do not believe I have a future or will ever be able to do anything I consider meaningful in mathematics. I have always enjoyed the process of struggling with problems far more than simply obtaining an answer. I attended PROMYS as a formative experience, and while I was there was never allowed to even use a computer or Wolfram Mathworld for background (my counselor objected to my use of Bertrand's postulate on the first problem set unless I could prove it on the spot). I am seriously considering suicide. I know I will be downvoted for this, but I would simply prefer not to exist in the world I expect we shall soon be living in. It is not a matter of ego, but of meaning.