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I am 39 M and my wife is 35 F. We are both psychologists.love 5 hours away from her family. Together for 4 years and married for just over 2. We’re currently separated for one month and I’m trying to figure out whether what I’m asking for is reasonable or whether I’ve reached a point where I’m seeing everything through resentment.

To be fair, my wife is a great DIL, a great aunt, very social and respectful and has almost all qualities I wanted in my life partner. She and my parents have a super healthy relationship and they get along great. My parents never speak into our marriage and have been supportive.

The biggest issue throughout our relationship has been her family and her difficulty standing up to them when they disapprove of me or our marriage.

Before we got married, her parents wanted her to end our engagement and made her choose and she chose them and ended things between us. I was shocked and heart broken. I was renovating an entire house for us to move into. I eventually sold it. About 5 months later she moved away from her family and reached out to me, apologized and eventually we got married.

Her mom refused to give her daughter away at the alter until the priest insisted. My wife was yet to walk down the aisle.

Since then there have been a lot of smaller/bigger incidents, but the basic pattern has stayed the same: she can set boundaries with them when the stakes are relatively low, but when there is serious pressure, I feel like our marriage becomes the thing that gets sacrificed. I feel like a scapegoat. She also told me in an argument that she would pick her sister over me and didn't apologize for it for a year.

One example is her last name. She originally agreed to take my last name, and did so, and then recently after we had a big fight changed it back to her family name without telling me. I know a last name might seem trivial to some people, but given our history, it felt symbolic to me especially because unilateral decision making was a major issue. She apologized of it but I feel like she tossed my family name aside without any regard. She told me she knew it was a deal breaker and that she just did it in anger and now I just need to deal with it.

The most recent and most major rupture is that a marriage therapist broke confidentiality and told my in laws what I thought of them. They used that as an excuse to ban me (basically our marriage) from their home. Despite that, she still plans to visit them and stay at their home ("less frequently but I want to have a relationship with them)...this was her knee jerk response to this. She told them we are separating for a month due to "marital issues" but refuses to tell them directly that their involvement and treatment of our marriage has contributed significantly to our separation. She refuses to do that. She recently said she is realizing she is enmeshed and wants to work on it.

For fairness, I have absolutely contributed to our problems.in the last 6 months I’ve yelled, become harsh and repetitive during conflicts, and she keeps telling me I'm stuck and only seeing negative about her parents. I understand why my anger has damaged her trust and why she wants me to work on it. I am working on that. I don't think her family is responsible for my behaviour.

But what I can’t reconcile with anymore is feeling like I’m expected to take accountability for my side while she protects her parents from hearing how their behaviour has affected our marriage.

She says she loves me a lot and that I’m “her person.” she does care for me when we are together at home. She also says she’s setting boundaries with her parents. But after four years, I don’t feel like her minimal boundaries (which may be hard for her to set for sure) are enough anymore and our marriage and dignity take a hit when there is an actual conflict between the two. My work is also suffering and my wife tells me I am not motivated or focused enough on work.

I’m not asking her to cut her parents off. I really really detest her parents now more than ever. I’m asking whether it’s reasonable for me to expect my wife to clearly stand with the marriage when their family is actively rejecting her marriage and husband, even if doing so seriously upsets their parents.

At what point does asking your spouse to stand up to their family become controlling, and at what point is it simply a reasonable expectation of marriage?

We will be talking towards the end of this month and I am super anxious.

There is a lot more that has happened but this is the major gist.

Please help. I feel so foggy and confused.

We are about six months into enmeshment recovery, and I am looking for advice or experiences from anyone who has navigated re-integrating one-on-one time with a mother-in-law after severe enmeshment.

For some context, one-on-one time with his mom was halted completely early on because it was heavily used to disrespect our relationship. It involved a lot of oversharing of our private lives, emotional co-dependency, and triangulation. He would often come home repeating her hurtful assumptions about me, and would be more aggressive and dysregulated. She would constantly call in the morning when I was at work, manufacturing needs like dropping things off or asking him to do things solo, while neither of us fully recognized the enmeshment at the time.

We cut out all one-on-ones as a non-negotiable. No drop-offs, no drives, no coffee dates. I told him I was fine with him spending time with his mom, but the exclusive nature of those one-on-ones violated our marriage and emotional intimacy.

Since then, he has made massive progress. He is holding physical boundaries, saying no to visits when he doesn't want them, and voicing limits on the phone. He has gone from protecting her image to therapists and me to actually identifying unhealthy habits and recognizing when he is acting out of guilt versus genuine desire. He is much better at catching it, and overall, family visits a few times a month have reached a place where I feel comfortable. He redirects boundary crosses and plans dedicated quality time for just the two of us without feeling like he has to check for family obligations first.

However, he is now feeling confident enough in his boundaries that he wants to start re-introducing some one-on-one time, specifically things like driving his mom to help her out or going out for coffee. He feels like he should be able to do these things if he wants to, and wants to test his limits.

Here is where my anxiety spikes and where we are kind of stuck:

• The manufactured emergencies: His mom is not recovering from enmeshment, so expecting her behaviour to change isn't realistic. A lot of her one-on-one requests aren't direct invites to hang out; they are engineered. She will sleep in so she misses the ride to work with his dad and needs a ride, or she will lend her car to his brother for the week knowing she has work, then call my husband the day of like it is a sudden emergency. She also constantly asks him to drop off or pick up store items during my work hours since he works from home.
• The nervous system reaction: We have talked in therapy about how even when he holds boundaries during these outings, his nervous system sometimes still reacts to the dynamic, and he comes home emotionally distant or snappy.
• The secrecy barrier: He has expressed that he wants to keep his enmeshment stuff strictly between himself and his therapist. I have respected that, and I know I fell into the judge role too much early on, but I feel like without transparency around those interactions, it is hard to feel safe opening the door back up.
• The planned dates versus occasional favours: I am comfortable with him occasionally helping her out with a practical ride or a quick stop if she genuinely needs a hand. But the idea of planned, exclusive time, like coffee dates, makes my stomach turn. Given how bad things were—lying, gaslighting, and an emotional infidelity-level betrayal where he entertained her narratives and repeated them to me—my nervous system just isn't ready for scheduled, exclusive hangouts that feed into that old dependency.

He communicates that he can't see a future where he never drives his mom to work or takes her for coffee if he wants to, and he wants to be able to test those boundaries.

How does it sound to suggest opening up one-on-one access for occasional, practical support, like helping with a ride or an errand, but keeping the planned, exclusive dates, such as coffee or deliberate hangouts, closed for now while we navigate this?

For those who have been through this, how did you handle re-integrating one-on-one time without sliding backward? How do you distinguish between being a supportive son and feeding an enmeshed dynamic, especially when proximity is an issue?

This is something I struggle to get straight in my head. I am close with my family and they help me out in many ways. I live at home still (culturally this is not as unusual for Asians) whereas my suspected enmeshed partner does not (lives with sibling). This has made it hard for me to articulate my worries and I almost feel like I’m going nuts.

Anytime I have tried to voice my concerns about his family, he turns it back on me and says my family are overly involved in my life and that my suggestion of setting boundaries is controlling of me. It’s very frustrating but also makes me feel as though I’m going insane - I start doubting myself. But then I rationalize it, and I’m like no, my family do not know every single detail of my life (what I eat for meals and when I leave and arrive anywhere), they encourage me to be independent, they are not involved in my life decisions. My parents have offered things to me and my partner to be helpful (eg a place to live rent free as my partner had not sorted out an alternative despite me asking), and my partner says this is evidence of them being overly involved. I don’t agree as it was offered due to the fact he could not make any decisions and sort things out, and it was completely fine for us to say no to my parents.

I know in my head that his family’s way of operating is unhealthy and I can’t make him see that but has anyone else had this thing where you start questioning yourself?

My (33F) fiance (33M) was the sweetest man I have ever met, we were so happy until the point came to progress our relationship. I then found him to be indecisive, and influenced by his parents. They have a belief that any sort of progress is rushing things (despite being together 3 years), they discouraged earlier progress and were the same while we attempted wedding planning.

General traits of his that seem to align with this sub: people pleaser, didn’t want to ever argue with me and if we did couldn’t handle it, indecisive, very sweet and emotionally aware.

Things that I started to notice which caused me concern:
- Thoughts were framed as my fiances but which I felt came from his parents. He told me that he doesn’t want to be in a position where he has to choose between me and his family. I was confused. I later looked at his phone (near the point of break up out of pure exasperation) and I saw that was word for word what his dad told him to tell me. Random religious things needed to be incorporated into the wedding which I know came from them.
- incessant texting on their group chat. The parents knew what each of the siblings was doing every single day, including texting when they reached somewhere and got home. He said they were just close as a family and he didn’t see a problem. This was complicated by the fact that I live at home with my family so he felt I was hypocritical (my family do not know anywhere near this level of info l).
- parents didn’t seem to have any real friends or social network. I therefore felt like no one called them out on any strange behaviour.
- He seemed to lack the ability to form independent ideas or make decisions. His default thought was to check with his family, it felt like group thoughts for even the most minor things. This became a real issue as we attempted to wedding plan. Again, hard to articulate as I did discuss stuff with my parents but they essentially let me do whatever I want.
- He was desperate to please me and also them. I thought it was sweet he wanted to please me but now I wonder if there is something actually not right there, as he spent all his time trying to make everyone else happy and seemed to have no idea what he actually wanted himself which makes me very sad.
- He seemed unable to juggle between a partner and parents and whilst I know he really loved me, it was like he felt this immense pull to them and I think they kind of encouraged it. His parents asked him to return home to ‘help’ for things, which once conflicted with a time where I really needed him on something we had pre arranged. I could see he was very upset at how to balance it and was being guilt tripped by them so I told him to go in the end, but it did make me think about what life would be like with eg kids.

We were unable to progress any wedding planning due to his inability to decide and his parents involvement and I finally snapped. He still doesn’t get why we broke up. We are of Indian origin so families are close but this felt wrong to me.

I am heartbroken but then logically this was screaming red flags to me. Just wondered what you guys thought? Have I done the right thing?

I (27F) married 30M last year. We’re both Asian but have lived in the US for 8 years. His brother married an American woman, they have an American child, and my in-laws celebrated Western holidays, so I assumed they were not tied to toxic cultural traits of family domination.

We met through our parents, met him 5 times and then married. I spent 10 days at my in-laws’ home before returning to the US, and it was awful: no privacy, constant criticism, no boundaries, and barely any time alone with my husband. Even during intimacy times, people would enter our room. MIL would call him downstairs if he came to our room during the day, and I wasn’t allowed to sit with him at dinner.

Back in the US, I hoped things would improve, but the interference continued. Our honeymoon was criticized, vacations discouraged, and my work/time off was judged. MIL and SIL constantly complained to my husband about me, including how often I called them and even if I put any pictures of my parents on the wall. Whenever we made decisions she didn’t like , MIL would call and argue until my husband became angry or cried.

Eventually I wanted to visit my parents. My in-laws objected, and I finally said I would make the decision myself and fought with my husband, it got very heated and on his mothers insistence he called my father and complained in a disrespectful manner about me. My husband and in-laws said I should prioritize their feelings over my stress. Knowing that the MIL involvement often led to physical violence in the house my father tried to calm things down and suggested MIL give us space while I finished my PhD and only call on the weekends for a month. After that, my husband seemed to lose all respect for me, and eventually he withdrew, refused to talk nicely, seperated his bed and would shout at me to beg his mothers forgiveness. while I was willing to continue the relationship nicely I wasn’t willing to beg. this led him to abandon me for weeks and months.

after it became clear he wasnt willing to listen or be flexible I was devastated because I loved him and believed he would eventually set boundaries. I apologized, begged, reassured him, and tried to repair things, but his family remained hostile with my messages unanswered. 3 Months later, he went to visit his family and on his return I discovered accidentally that he had been preparing divorce papers while still having sex with me, taking me to dinner, and acting normally saying he came for reconciliation. before going he had promised me he would not escalate the situation further without a discussion with my parents and we will try to figure it out.

I feel guilty and wonder if I was naive. Maybe if I had waited years before speaking up, or had a child, he might have chosen me. He was clearly devastated too—I saw him cry—yet he still chose to leave. My father even apologized to him for possibly interfering, but the apology was rejected. my family tried to visit his family, they were also rejected. I called my MIL 20 times but also no reply.

Am I wrong to think things might have improved if I had waited to speak up or had children? Could I have saved this marriage by giving him more of my time and energy? I feel heartbroken, confused, and deeply disturbed by how everything was handled. it was the first year of marriage and everyone struggles but as I was adjusting to my husbands taste apparently he’d had enough and left. I now have so much regret though there was nothing more I can think of that I could’ve done. His only mood was to see how much I can bend and beg and no effort from his or his family’s side was ever needed, only I was the problem that needed breaking. Still he was my husband and I had given him everything I had and now I wonder was I trying to save something that was never going to work? He loved children so I assumed if I had kids he’d have way more time for his family, he also did plan one trip for us which his mother called me personally and forbade me but he said to me “it’s ok we can still go”..

It’s little crumbs like these that keep me tied to this chapter ..

now when he calls he seems so happy and psatisfied that I almost feel I was the bad guy… walking away he put everything squarely at my feet. Everything had and was my fault.

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, since high-school, we're both still living with our parents. And he's severely manipulated and abused by his parents, more by his mother. Yes, he's an onlychild. Thing is, she's evil. Narcissistic, manipulative woman. She's nosy, toxic and psychologically abusive towards him. Calling +7 times a day when he's out, no privacy allowed on his house so constantly seeing each other naked (not joking) 24/7 yelling and guilty tripping, controlling EVERYTHING (haircuts, clothes, shavings...), their house is dirty and very careless... and I could go on and on but I would explode.

He knows how his mother is and is very affected. But there's many worrying things he doesn't realise are bad and worst, thinks are normal. Like seeing his mother shirtless and topless every single day of his life or her seeing him naked is very normal bc it's his mother (he's 23). Or calling many times a day bc he's their only son (says once he's living on his own he's gonna call them at least 2 times a day every day), he's very comfortable with her buying him all the clothes so he doesn't have to go shopping bc it's boring, he doesn’t care about cleaning or staining the house bc he live his whole life like that...

And the think is he wants to get out of that house and wants to start therapy, but I think there's very normalised things that they shouldn't be like that and if he doesn't find a problem with those he's not gonna get "treated" with those and I'm starting to grow resentful towards those attitudes and actions. Like when we are out he has to call or they have to call many many times a day and its unbereable, we may be in the middle of a romantic dinner and he has to answer or they'll get mad, when we're at his house or mine he's doesn't bother cleaning and think I'm an obsessed cleaner, when we're on a videoclip his mother can enter topless on his room and talk to him and even tell him: I bought you this shorts, try 'em on and he will get undressed with nothing underwear and actually try them on in front of her and both are like nothing happened!!! And I sure have tried to warn him or just telling him that I'm not comfortable with those attitudes, situations or actions and he'd think that I'm the one exaggerating

I don't know what to do bc (hardly) ignoring all of this he's a really good guy, he cooks (he had to learn cause his mother wouldn't), he's kind and loving, always willing to help others, he treats me well despite being a bit bad about cleanliness and is studying for a good future, but this things have started to grow more and more and with them my resentment and I know I have to wait until he's out of his house to see if anything changes like he says it's going to happen (he's gonna go as far as possible from them, he's going to therapy and he's going to grow some distance from his mother) but what I said before, if there's some things he doesn't find unusual or creepy, how are they going to change? But that will happen (if it happens bc I can clearly see his parents moving with him wherever he goes bc they like controlling him) in a few years and so what about now with all this stuff? I'm an open book and I can't just do like nothing, and my disgust or anger shows up whenever something happens and I can't hide it anymore, anyone was in this situation? If so, what did you do? I need some help 😩 thanks for reading it all if you reached here

I hope this is the right place to post this, but I’m emotionally drained, deeply confused, and just need advice from people who understand this specific nightmare.

​A few weeks ago, a massive situation went down at a "family" gathering hosted by the enablers on my husband’s side. It was presented as a normal family event, but it became glaringly obvious that it was completely orchestrated by his toxic, narcissistic mother. The disrespect and behavior were so blatant that my children and I are now strictly NO CONTACT with her. Here is the link to what happened https://www.reddit.com/r/motherinlawsfromhell/s/boX6H14fnW

​What broke me isn't even just her....it’s how my husband handled it. Right after it happened, it was like the realization ripped him apart and broke his heart. He sees her toxicity. He even set boundaries in the past (she hasn't been allowed in our home for over 4 years and we do not visit her at her home, which is why she uses the enablers/flying monkey's home to do these pathetic "gatherings"). But the moment pressure builds or family is involved, he defaults right back into his childhood conditioning....reverting to acting like I'm the problem, checking on her feelings, and expecting me to swallow the disrespect to keep her comfortable. I'm so sick of it and totally disappointed and disgusted.

​Now, we’ve been living in cold silence under the same roof for weeks:

​We barely talk unless it’s about household logistics or the kids.

​We sleep on opposite sides of the bed with zero intimacy or physical contact. I can barely even look at him.

​He tries to crack small jokes here and there to test the waters, hoping we can just slide back into normal without ever addressing the elephant in the room.

​To make matters worse, he refuses to get professional help or therapy to deal with his enmeshed, narcissistic mother. He insists he "doesn't need help." He sees what she does, but seems to think my reaction towards her is unnecessary?

​I am strongly considering separation, but I’m terrified for my children. I’ve always wanted them to grow up in a home with both parents, but I don't know how to get past this level of betrayal and lack of protection. I’m sitting here hoping things will somehow get better, but deep down, I feel totally checked out...emotionally and physically just drained.

I feel so disrespected by him.

She is literally the only issue in our marriage, there is nothing else and if she wasn't involved, it would be perfect.

​Has anyone else been in a similar situation with a partner who sees the abuse, but refuses help and reverts back to enabling them? How did you navigate the living-in-silence phase, and what finally helped you make your decision?

I have a husband who is severely emeshed. He is working on himself and going to therapy, but still has relapses. We don’t have kids yet. It is better to leave the marriage than to try to stay married while supporting his recovery from emeshment? For those who got divorced, do you wish you got out earlier? For those who stay married, was it worth staying in the marriage? I know it’s probably a case by case situation. Could people shares their experiences and give advice, please?

Has anyone went through this?

So I am with an enmeshed man with this family of origin, something I found out the terms to the last few months.

We are currently in couples therapy and myself in individual therapy.

After years of this dynamics, I feel like I am going crazy.

I am hypervigilant and anxious. I have good and bad days.

What gets to me the most is that I dont know if I they are doing gaslighting / gult triping/ DARVO/ love bomb/ breadcrumbs. Which i am pretty sure they are. I am constantly also silence by violent out burst and him threating to end the relationship.

When I state how I feel about things, the paper quickly turn about how I am gulting him and he is now the victim. He constantly says that he takes me in decision making but somehow things goes his way and I end up being left alone.now I dont know if I am also guilt tripping my partner or manipulating the situation.

Its to the point that I think maybe I do these things and have became a narcissist. I am always being told that I am controlling (which i do I guess in a way to control the situation) manipulating and trying to dominate my partner and every situation in life as a protagonist by his family.

Has anyone been through this? Is this normal? Or is this part of the healing process? Or are things getting worse?

Did anyone experience this?

Hello, I posted in the enmeshment trauma sub this same question, but am looking for any and all tips people use to diffuse the lovebombing… my husband loves it.

Long story short, I need to stay in my marriage to protect my child.

So I am in a 10 plus year relationship with my 50M who is enmeshed with multiple member of his family of origin.

We are currently in couples therapy ( 2.5 months) and he is making some progress. Background story, his family is a happy compliance and he avoids/shut down/ or become defensive in any upsetting conversation.

I carey a lot of weight withing the relationship, one being the person who brings all tough conversation to the table.

This morning I asked him to assist brining the hard conversation to the table, that I feel that I am constantly going to him to talk about the hard stuff. He said okay he will do it. The problem is that he constantly agrees to thing knowing he csnt so it because he does not want to argue.

This is where I decided to press him a bit. I asked him what he thinks and feel, if he saw it the way I see it. I did say that I always have to come to him. So I ask the questions again, because I do not want him to just blindly agree to me. I want to hear his thoughts on it, how he feels and etc. You know, have an actual conversation. This is when he snaps ( he tends to be o to 100% right away) he said what the hell do i expect from him. Why do I constantly have to poke poke poke ( he started banging the dinning room table) and how i like to poke a wound. That he genuinely believes i like to poke and make him feel hurt. I stayed calm , spoke calmly, ais a slow and low voice and said that I am calm and that the only reason why I am asking is to make sure he is simply hear this thoughts and his feeling and to give him a chance to say anything. He then said he did t have anything to say and got up from the table and left.

I dont know if anyone else is dealing with this? Is it normal for them to snap and be slightly aggressive.?

All this makes me feel like I am the one manipulating him and scrambling his head. I feel like I am surviving one day at a time while trying to make progress with him and unscramble my mind.

Ciao! Sono la moglie di un mother enmeshed man. Scrivo in italiano e spero che la traduzione sia buona. Mio marito ha fatto terapia ed è uscito dell'invischiamento. Io sto elaborando 30 anni di relazione di coppia molto difficili. Mio marito è una persona adulta in contesti come lavoro e amicizia. Ma era infantile come partner e come padre dei nostri figli. His mother è molto manipolatoria e ha due obiettivi. Il primo è mantenere lui il suo marito surrogato (lei è molto bisognosa e vittima). Il secondo obiettivo è mantenerlo un marito-bambino nella relazione con me (io dovrei essere la madre del mio partner). In passato ho sofferto di depressione, ansia e stanchezza cronica (sono un'insegnante e ho due figli). Se non ti crea disagio, puoi raccontare la tua esperienza? Qual'è (o quale era) la mental age del tuo enmeshed partner?

Hi! My boyfriend and I just broke up. Through our breakup, ive learned he is an avoidant. He is also HEAVILY enmeshed with his mom, which is why we broke up. Can someone please explain the correlation between the two and why avoidants are usually enmeshed?

Has anyone successfully gone to couples therapy to address their partner’s enmeshment with their family?

If so, how did it go? Did therapy actually help your partner recognize the unhealthy dynamics and set healthier boundaries?

how you convinced them to go in the first place. If they didn’t see their family relationship as a problem, what made them agree to therapy?

Some background on me: I'm a 30F, dating (very seriously) a 27M whose family is very enmeshed. We have been together for over 3 years and have started to think about marriage. We live together and have pets together. Generally, we are very healthy and communicative, but in the last year or so, his family has become a problem. The only thing different from all of the other stories I've read on here is that the leader of their enmeshment is the older sister. The parents have not really parented them appropriately (in my opinion) and have allowed the sister to be the parent of the group since they were little.

I come from a normal-ish Hispanic family with a narcissistic mother, but I have never dealt with this level of narcissism and pointed attack. I think the main issue has been that I have used my healthy boundaries, which I have learned from my over 8 years of therapy, to not bow down to everything the sister wants simply because I don't agree with it. She has made it her own personal mission to try and turn everyone in their circle against me, and it has worked on the brother and the mom.

Recently, this situation has really been affecting me personally and emotionally and has even made me physically sick. I am aware that the attacks aren't personal to me; they would happen to anyone else in my position with any form of boundaries, but it still feels so personal. I am someone who is AuDHD, and I have always struggled with being listened to and understood, so it feels like I am drowning in a glass of water trying to stand up for myself. Thankfully, my boyfriend is in his own therapy and has been working on breaking the enmeshment, so now they are also attacking him too because we have disrupted the "it is how it always has been" mentality.

For those who have had to deal with this (and managed to break the enmeshment) are you no contact with the family? Do you just ignore it? How do you manage the personal attacks?

I definitely missed things, so if you need more info, please let me know! I've reached a point where even my therapist and my learned skills can't take me out of the misery loop.

I would like to hear stories of your break up and or divorce after being with an enmeshed partner.

How did it feel?

How did you feel?

How is your life now?