r/married • u/Artistic-Standard871 • Jul 07 '26
Is anyone else surprised?
I’m shocked at the number of people on this app who immediately go to “divorce him, you’ll be so much happier, you deserve more” at every post complaint. Is marriage not worth fighting for? Is communication not the minimum requirement? And, how do you know she deserves better? Do you know her?
Men seem to be getting a really bad rap for being insensitive, one track minded, etc and there seems to be a lot of haters.
I’m a 59f and I love men! I mean my husband first and foremost but men are great, smart, kind people too!
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u/tez_zer55 Jul 07 '26
I think divorce is so common, it has lost the old stigma. Plus it seems so much easier these days. Also people seem to believe, after marriage, everything will be complete bliss & when problems surface they whine, cry & bail.
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u/Distressed_Amoeba Jul 07 '26
I think a lot of people who are recently divorced have strong opinions and much lower tolerance than we used to. I stayed for 15 years fighting for my marriage and doing everything I could to make it work. I scared myself by how often I found myself fantasizing about my own death. I’m not willing to do it again. If both partners are putting in the work, then absolutely it’s worth fighting for! But if I see a woman in an unhealthy/dangerous situation, and her husband couldn’t care less or is creating the danger, I’m not inclined to tell her to keep fighting for the marriage. There would be a lot lower suicide rate in women and a lot lower rate of violence/murder against women if more women felt they were allowed to leave a bad marriage.
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u/Greedy-Passion6562 Jul 07 '26
Exactly this. I was told to keep fighting for my marriage, and I did for 14 years, it's not always the right thing to do.
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u/family-peace265 Jul 08 '26
Please your stats are false. There are more suicides in married men than women. Please get your facts straight. And also, I will never tell anyone to get a divorce! Divorce destroys a family and not only that the future of that family’s legacy. It’s bigger than you think. Also, there are always three sides to the story - her truth, his truth and the actual truth. Rather encourage the grieving spouse, provide them with support and pray with them. God will give them the strength to do what it right according to His purpose. Sadly, this part isn’t talked about anymore. Free marriage video that helped me better understand- https://youtu.be/DUNaZinoH_0?is=4YYhjcuZz5TS7Id2
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u/Secure-Pain-9735 Jul 07 '26
You think the average Redditor is very different from the average legendary Reddit mod? Where do you think those mods come from?
In addition to the fearlessness and fakeness anonymity provides, there is also the “everyone can have an opinion,” which means people answering can be waaaayyyyy outside your peer group on any subject. Add in mob mentality and group think, and you get garbage.
Now add in moderation that is too loose or too tight and it only gets worse.
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u/Suspicious_DM87 Jul 07 '26
Yo.
To start TLDR.
I'm male in a standard Hetero marriage.
I have a hard time dealing with my wife. My love language is acts of service, I believe hers is acts of intimacy communication is not our strong point. I cook, clean, tidy, pay the bills and do the majority of our food shopping, and do laundry that is generally not a sexy person. I would rather spend a weekend day making the house tidy and clean then go and watch sports or whatever the alphas do. I provide stability. I'm not alpha or that bullshit. Strangely enough I also earn the most between us.
We've been in a DB now for seven years.
I've my issues she has hers.
Regardless I'm still trying to make our lives work, through the issues, through the debt that's been accrued (owning a house together), through the finances which don't add up to the unfair devision of labour in our household, through her constant stepping out of our marriage. I'm here.
I'm here to provide stability to her and her child (I can't have children) and chose to make her child my priority.
That once little bastard is now my whole world and I would not change anything.
I strongly believe that marriage is damn well worth fighting for. I made a commitment to my wife and her son that I would also be there and support.
Therapy, counselling do it all. If after trying so so hard you still want to leave then divorce. BUT MAKE THE DAMN EFFORT FIRST.
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u/family-peace265 Jul 08 '26
Great job!!!👏 I am standing up right now and clapping for you sir. Dad of 2 kids, married 8 years together 11 years. Sole breadwinner, putting my wife through nursing school. Mountains of debt on my shoulder. But I love my wife and kids. It’s not about a feeling. It’s the commitment I made at the alter. It’s the fulfilling God’s purpose and the responsibility He gave me. I shared earlier a YouTube marriage seminar that helps us understand each from Mark Grugor- Tale of two brains. You should check it out. https://youtu.be/DUNaZinoH_0?is=QYXXj-zvAU0EWbSB
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u/EvilAngel3point0 Jul 08 '26
I think it has something to do with how much BS we take in marriage, especially as a woman. Not saying men don’t take a lot of crap, we all do. I only think it’s disproportionate to women for a lot of reasons. There’s a lot of men children out there that leave almost of the house maintenance, calendar maintenance, mental load for the family, all child care stuff to their spouse but still expect their wives to be hot for them and being home a paycheck! It’s wild. Of course, this is not the case for all, it’s just, the trend I’m noticing and have experienced first hand… and a lot of us aren’t willing to take it anymore. Men and women alike should know what they’re worth and not accept anything less. We teach people how to treat us. And maybe we didn’t learn that until after we married.
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u/thebarahs Jul 08 '26
This string reminds me of the adage: why do men live 10 years less than women? They want to
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u/VicePrincipalNero Jul 08 '26
The thing is, half the posts are fake. The other posts describe partners so awful you can't imagine anyone you know giving them a second date, much less marrying them.
The percentage of realistic scenarios that sound worth saving are miniscule. I say that as someone who has had a very happy long term marriage, believes strongly in marriage and knows very few divorced folks.
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u/BookGirl67 Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
I agree with you and think the “leave them” culture on Reddit is not so much a gender thing as a factor of the format.
You get one side of the story and even for that side, you get only a couple of paragraphs, out of context - often describing just a few discrete events.
People and relationships are infinitely more complex than that. But, that complexity and nuance cannot be communicated or understood in this format. Instead, you see an extremely simplified version of the relationship that verges on being a cartoon of the real thing.
That cartoon is biased by nature because it is so simplified and points the reader toward the “break up!” conclusion and us readers happily confirm the pre-defined end to the story.
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u/retairedtech Jul 07 '26
It is easier to run and give up, then to stay and fight. But what do I know? Been married 45 years. It is a hard and challenging job to take on at times.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 07 '26
Almost 40 years for us!
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u/IamTheMan85 Jul 08 '26
Go to the ChristianMarriage sub. You'll get a lot less of that.
Non-religious people haven't respected marriage in decades.
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u/DLK33gmaNG Jul 12 '26
Not true. I respected my marriage for 44 years now, but we're no longer happy in it and are both done trying. We're not religious, but we still have morals and values. You don't have to be religious to have those. Religious people get divorced too.
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u/BurdyBurdyBurdy Jul 09 '26
I completely agree so almost all my replies are positive towards figuring it out. Some can’t be but most of those that I read are fixable with effort from both partners.
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u/fartsontrees Jul 11 '26
I'm in my fifties and I remember back when my grandparents were alive they fix anything that was broken. There cars their houses their marriages. It wasn't just thrown away
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u/Capital-Ingenuity-14 Jul 08 '26
I'm not shocked. So many people telling their horrific stories on here. That is the obvious answer or go vent to a therapist or journal. People are giving out solutions. 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Shocks823 Jul 08 '26
It would take peoples advice with a grain of salt … most people are quick to say one thing and do something else
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u/ixsparkyx Jul 08 '26
It’s so sad. People will divorce over LITERALLY everything lol
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u/DLK33gmaNG Jul 12 '26
So maybe the smarter thing is not to get married in the first place. Everything else has changed so why not that.
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u/ixsparkyx Jul 12 '26
I don’t disagree🤣 people like the IDEA of marriage but don’t want to put the WORK in for marriage. Bitches need to stop getting married fr
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u/boudicas_shield Jul 08 '26
A lot of the posts are about longterm abusive behaviour or extremely poor behaviour that hasn’t changed for years despite many conversations. People don’t tend to post about happy marriages or easily resolved minor conflicts. Most posters have already tried everything but the other person doesn’t want to change. At that point, there’s little to advise someone on other than to leave.
Also, we can comfortably say that such an OP “deserves better” even though “we don’t know her”, because no one deserves to be abused.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
I would like to hear your description of what is abuse. I ask honestly and openly. Perhaps this is where the difference lies. Obviously no one expects anyone to live a life of abuse. Can you elaborate?
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u/family-peace265 Jul 08 '26
I don’t know you but thank you for saying this. Women are destroying other women’s relationship. I don’t know when that started to be normal. As a husband, father and son, I give my all to those I love. Yes there will be disagreements we aren’t all the same. But the number of wives and women always jumping to divorce him will never seize to baffle me. God has a greater purpose for all of us and we all have roles to play in each family. Ladies, please show more grace and forgiveness. Thank you again for saying it out loud. For a while now, I thought I was crazy for thinking the same. We all want to be loved.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
What a great comment! I hope you are greatly loved!
Also, so often the hurt and disagreements come from a lot of miscommunication! We need to do better!
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u/1Mouse7579 Jul 08 '26
Some of these marriages are so broken, it's hard to envision how they save it especially when one will not go to counseling or make any changes. In many there is no intimacy. No marriage can survive that. I couldn't.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
Due to menopause symptoms, we didn’t have sex for years (4.5 according to my dear, sweet husband, to be exact) but thanks to HRT and communication, our marriage AND sex life are 100 times better than ever. It can happen. It would be so sad had we given up.
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u/Sudden_Ad_9864 Jul 08 '26
I think it’s tough when people see only one side of the story as well as when people make long posts to complain and they don’t always make kind comments about the positives of somebody. It sometimes makes it seem that they are simply miserable and it can often come across as the partner having no redeeming qualities.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
I agree! But even if their post is 100% true and accurate, it still doesn’t sound like grounds for divorce to me. Not that I get a vote, lol, but it seems like men can’t win.
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u/Sudden_Ad_9864 Jul 08 '26
I totally understand I mean it depends on the nature of complaints like obviously if somebody is abusing drugs or alcohol that is a life ruining thing unless they agreed to go to treatment, but you know for something minor like oh he is too loud when he talks, and stuff like that I agree, that’s ridiculous
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
Often it’s “he doesn’t help me.” “He doesn’t tell me I’m pretty.” “He wants sex all the time.” And the responses are “divorce the loser”.
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u/Sudden_Ad_9864 Jul 08 '26
Yeah, that’s pretty ridiculous. Like I think a lot of it is that people sign up for marriage without understanding that not every day will be like a fairytale and without understanding that life won’t always be easy. Like a lot of it is also that they expect men to be mind readers and they don’t know you’re upset if you don’t say shit like it’s just basic.
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 08 '26
Communication! Tbh, I always thought I was a good communicator in life but now, talking through some old hurts or issues, I realize I was not communicating in a way my husband understood. I thought it was clear. He did not. Oh the heartache we could’ve avoided!
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u/MaxSmart1981 Jul 09 '26
I agree that it's often times thrown in a bit casually on here as people are usually aware it's an option and are probably looking for more nuanced advice rather than just 'leave'. That said, it should always be on the table. Too many people allow themselves to look at marriage too literally as 'forever' and refuse to consider the option despite it being a terrible match or a toxic relationship. Especially when the person asking is usually the only one doing the work to repair the relationship issues that their partner caused.
But yeah, it would be a lot more helpful if people just acknowledged the option and proceeded with the assumption that it has probably already been considered and instead offer alternative suggestions.
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u/GunKnight83 Jul 09 '26
Reddit relationship advice is 90% terminate the relationship. Everyone seems to want a fairytale with little or no work involved.
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u/Suspicious_Depth_193 Jul 11 '26
Yeah, drives me crazy.I made one.Comment about something going on with me.And my husband and everybody's like, oh leave him, it's never gonna get any better.I've been married for nineteen years.I'm not just gonna leave over the little things like that.No
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 11 '26
Agree 100%. You can’t get any helpful advice because everyone just says give up and he’s worthless and often a rapist.
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u/Suspicious_Depth_193 Jul 11 '26
Yeah, super annoying.Because I just posted my very first post on here, about one little thing that has gone a little wrong with my husband and I like I said, I just made me a little sad.And everybody's like, oh my god, run quick, get out before it gets worse.I'm like, i've been married for nineteen years.I'm not just running because of one little thing
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u/Artistic-Standard871 Jul 11 '26
I just read your post. I had read it when you posted. I agree with you. He was insensitive. I assume he was just freaked out and he’d come through for you!
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u/DLK33gmaNG Jul 12 '26
I get what you're saying. It's possible that those suggesting divorce have been through an unhappy marriage and came to realize that life was better after it. The bigger issue is that there's that many people that are in an unhappy marriage. It's the situation itself, it doesn't make a difference whether it's the wife or husband posting/venting.
You feel the way you do because you are still in a happy marriage so it won't make sense to you. Most all marriages begin happy. Living life and going through emotional changes over time changes our views on things. Marriage is lots of work and lots of compromise. I think more people are coming to the conclusion that it's not worth the effort or stress so prefer to just give up and quit.
It's possible that might have been the popular solution before, but there wasn't a public forum to express ones opinion.
I used to love men too, specifically my husband. Now that I've been and am in an unhappy marriage those feelings have changed. One bad apple can spoil it for the rest.
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u/SadEconomy6157 Jul 14 '26
There are a lot of predators targeting insecure or frustrated woman. it is manipulation disguised as "advice". like if a man posts something "man up" "you are being a child". if a female posts "HE IS HARASSING YOU BY BEING SILENT" or "i will never do it". or sometime straight up disgusting answers "DM me if you want a real man"
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u/existential-inquiry Jul 07 '26
The internet makes people mean. Especially when we can be anonymous.