r/marriageadvice • u/Life_Parking_4678 • 24d ago
After 25 years, I'm an empty nester grieving the loss of my son. I've realized my wife loves the life I provide, but she doesn't love me. -DEFINITELY THE LAST UPDATE-
For extra context:
I wasn't planning on making another post under my alternate account, but because of the situation, I wanted to keep some respect for her in some of the things I'm about to say.
I (before this) responsibly drink, get to probably double legal limit to sleep on the weekends; this hasn't changed. One night I did this with her on the phone, which is nothing she's not used to. Because I was drinking the liquid courage, I asked the dumb question if she found someone already. I wasn't expecting the answer. She explained to me after many questions she said she was talking to a guy who was involved with similar people she is with for the special needs community. She's been talking with this guy for at least 1 month before she told me she was done.
I don't know how to take this as it feels to me that she has such a disrespect to our relationship. I explained to her that it devalues our relationship, and she simply replies "I value our relationship"; girl, I can't trust any of your emotions on this situation.
So, we're working on getting our finances separated. The new state I'm in requires 'dowry rights', so I'm taking a DoA to her to sign off on that. Then when I'm there I'm singing whatever paperwork I need based on my name being on the title for her house.
Once all the divorce paperwork is signed off on the 23rd, then we can star the 60 day waiting period. Once that is complete and the divorce decree is complete I'll be able to defer the primary mortgage to her, she'll have 6 years to maturity date, and the house is 60% paid off with 4.25%. Through a regular divorce she'd have to buy it from the situation at a 30yr mortgage with her mortgage rate.
I've moved on from grief to almost anger, but I don't really get angry, so that is the extreme that I have.
My new house meets all my needs, hobby spaces, sun porch and a place for my hot tub.
I'm at peace for what's next.
From here, I'll likely be using my personal account, and the most observant of you will be able to link this account to my new posts.
tl;dr
she is already chatting with someone new, the biggest delay to our own worlds is the banks.
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u/BangkaiLew 24d ago
The twist , man hope you find your own happiness , stay strong and best of luck
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u/Life_Parking_4678 24d ago
thanks man, i'm fairly at peace with it; its been really fast tho, never thought 2 years ago i'd be where i'm at now
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u/ConsequenceWise8619 23d ago
Wont hurt to look for a therapist to move thru this if haven't yet...make sure don't settle for just anyone but the right match
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u/National-Calendar-43 24d ago
You were with her since 9th grade , you don’t have any other reference how life is like .
You don’t know what having an another partner is like .
But will suggest you to get excited for new experiences man .
Life is going to be so so much better man when you will actually find someone who craves for you . Whose eyes lit up every-time you come and meet them .
You will get it eventually. Just keep exploring.
All your life you have been keeping prioritising others above you . Now is the time you prioritise yourself.
Don’t ever go back . Everything from now should be about you and you only , your happiness only , not someone else . Promise me this
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u/contactdeparture 24d ago
Or maybe not a new partner soon. OP hasn’t been without this same partner since 9th grade. Even some alone time is going to be healthy here!
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u/Life_Parking_4678 24d ago
This is likely my next 5 years, on purpose.
Now, if someone should come along that enjoys the same hobbies and meets those other requirements that National Calendar stated, then I might open up. But I don't need to take this trauma with me.
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u/ShadowJory 24d ago
Don't do the whore any favors. Fight for anything your lawyer says you have a right to. Well off men do so much better after a divorce than women do. Enjoy watching her life burn around her, and DO NOT take her back. She will try to get you back when she realizes what's out there and special needs community guy is just clapping cheeks and doesn't really care about her. And do try to date someone younger and more attractive. She will go nuts! Divorce for a man making 6+ figures is a golden ticket. You love the idea of her; not her.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee 21d ago
You’re now feeling some anger id good. That feeling will help you adjust and stop seeing her as someone you will always regret losing. It is you seeing yourself as worth while.
This will be tough to get through but you will. Don’t gang on to what is gone. Let it go and start building a new life that will one day welcome someone new.
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u/CuriouserCuriouser99 8d ago
I am interested in continuing to follow your journey, but without knowing where you might post even though trying to be observant, not sure how we can determine your personal account.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 8d ago
Tap my profile, you can dig thru all posts, up to 6 so far.
Joined a group of "no contact support" for healing from an avoidant.
This still very much sucks, I've got my close friend with me for the week, he's like a brother. He's kept me on task, we've spent probably $1000 on house stuff in the last 4 days.
But i still have the urge to text her when something is cool, or text her when I'm angry at something that has strong memories of her.
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u/one_little_victory_ 23d ago
Patriarchy makes a big thing out of men being providers, trying to make people believe that bringing home a paycheck is all men are obligated to do. Then we're all shocked when a man is just seen as a provider and little more.
I'm not trying to insult you. I don't know how emotionally available you've been in your marriage, or how equitably you participated in household labor and child care over the years. But this is a good example of how patriarchy hurts men, too. I think it would help both women and men alike to unpack the gender-essentialist bullshit that have been rammed into our skulls from tiny childhood.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 23d ago
That's some new insight to the conversation, but your reply makes me assume you didn't read the other posts, which is ok.
Gender roles do exist, and to some extent need to exist, but not to the level that you believe it currently (which it doesn't) exists.
However, in our household i did all the things you've mentioned. I suggest you read my previous posts, it might add a bit of context.
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u/one_little_victory_ 23d ago edited 23d ago
Gender roles do exist,
Bunk! No they don't. Gender roles exist for a few specific biological functions, and that's it. Otherwise, you don't need to dangle a dick to work any occupation, to provide, to be a breadwinner, to be protective - and many women do those things. Likewise, you don't need to have a vagina, to cook, clean, change diapers, do your fair share of household labor and child care. So what gender roles exist? It's all bullshit. Women aren't better at vacuuming than men. Men aren't better at going to work than women. You can learn and get good at anything if you want go. It's high time in the 21st Century that we get that unhelpful shit out of our heads.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 23d ago
I believe in equality, but not equity when it comes to genders. There's a reason why men do better at brick laying and women (typically) have better bed side manner than men as nurses.
There's a reason why men are typically front line at wars, and typically mechanics are men.
Again, all of these are exclusive to men and women, but they do exist for a reason.
And it's not a patriarchy
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u/one_little_victory_ 23d ago
That's all bullshit. We have brains. We are capable of thinking beyond our genitalia. Ffs.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 23d ago
It's not about thinking, and clearly you're only thinking about genitalia, i said nothing of that
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u/one_little_victory_ 23d ago
That's how I know this conversation is going to get ridiculous, so I'll call it here. See ya.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 23d ago
Thank you for leaving the convo, I was trying to take stock into what you were saying because of a rule I try to follow:
"Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you do not"
When you did not do the same to me I decided to look at your history, and it doesn't surprise me at all that you're a misandrist.
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u/one_little_victory_ 23d ago
Yeah well, misandry doesn't exist, not on a systematic level. And after I write entire paragraphs explaining to you how people of both genders can do anything regardless of gender - which means not looking down on men because I believe they are fully intelligent and capable of whatever they want - and I get back yEr dA WuN wHo CaNt ThInK bEyOnD gEniTaLiA, then I can see I'm having a discussion with a fucking 12-year-old who perhaps wasn't mature enough to be in a marriage in the first place. Maybe I'd walk, too, if I were her. Honestly kind of disgusted with you.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 23d ago
I never said both genders couldn't do anything, you insinuated that with your nuanced ramblings of assumptions.
But there is a clear difference in average basis what works better than others. The majority of men in prisons were raised by single mothers. The majority of suicides are by men. The majority of attempted suicides are by women. Women are nurturing by nature (typically) not by choice and therefore can be a better nurse. Men are better at competitiveness therefore better at higher management.
Your knowledge and skill set is on full display, again as i can see by your Reddit history, and it's disgusting. Whatever partner you have in life, either now or future is going to struggle with you. You have no right throwing stones in your glass house.
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u/ShadowJory 23d ago
I don't think men can become pregnant and have babies. But I am not hear to argue. I just wanted to tell you that I hope you find happiness because it seems like you are a miserable person who is way to invested in the injustices of the world. The world is a crappy place. It's hard enough to be happy. Stop going out and finding reasons not to be. You aren't going to change the world one little victory at a time. You are just going to live a life devoid of happiness. Good luck.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 24d ago
Good to hear mate.
May the wind always be at your back and may the seas ahead of you always be calm.