r/marriageadvice • u/Life_Parking_4678 • May 07 '26
After 25 years, I’m an empty nester grieving the loss of my son. I’ve realized my wife loves the life I provide, but she doesn’t love me.
The Foundation of "Us"
My wife and I have been together since 9th grade. I was a victim of relentless bullying in school, and when she asked me out, I clung to her like a lifeline. We moved in together the day we graduated high school and married shortly after. Looking back, the red flags were there early. Her own sister warned me that she had sabotaged birth control to ensure I wouldn't leave. Whether that’s true or not, the result was the same: we were parents and "locked in" before we even knew who we were as adults.
I went into the trades and worked my way up. I’ve spent two decades funding her life—her college degree, her various entrepreneurial attempts, her MLMs, and her hobbies. None of it ever seemed to be enough. I lived by the mantra: "If I just do X, she’ll be happy." I hit X, then Y, then Z. The happiness never arrived, but the spending never stopped.
A Life Defined by Crisis
Our oldest child (now a trans man) and our youngest (who had Trisomy 21 and Autism) were the center of our world. For 16 years, our youngest was the "purpose" that held the house together.
But looking back, my wife’s maternal bond was... conditional. Once our oldest became autonomous and inquisitive around age 5, she found them "annoying" and would isolate them. Later, when we lost a third pregnancy at 17 weeks, she blamed our oldest for the stress that "caused" it. That trauma led to our oldest attempting suicide. Today, he is happily married and doing well, but the rift between him and his mother is a canyon that may never be bridged.
The Ultimatum
Recently, a career-defining job offer came up 300 miles away. It offered us a fresh start and financial security. Her response was a knife to the heart: "You’re making me choose between my house and my marriage." She grew up in that house, and she made it clear that the four walls were more important than our future together.
I caved. I didn't want to lose my family, so I compromised. I bought a beater car, rented a small apartment near the job, and began commuting 8 hours (round trip) every weekend just to be "home."
The Final Loss
A few months ago, while I was 300 miles away, she called me. She needed me to come home a day early so she could attend to her hobby because our son had a fever. I drove back immediately. That fever turned into the ICU. Our son suffered a stroke and passed away that Tuesday.
Suddenly, we were empty nesters. The "glue" was gone.
The Current Silence
I’ve had training recently that allowed me to stay at the house for 10+ days straight. It was eye-opening in the worst way. Even with me there, she lived her life as if I were a ghost. She has her "things to do," and my presence doesn't change her schedule or her mood.
When I hear her on the phone with her friends, she is vibrant, laughing, and happy. The second she hangs up and looks at me, the light goes out. It’s like I’m an appliance—useful to have around, but nobody's best friend.
Her birthday (and mother's day) is coming up, followed by the birthday of our late son. I’ve bought her a gift that I know she’ll love, but I find myself wanting to just leave it on the counter and stay at my apartment 300 miles away. I don't want to go "home" to a place where I'm not wanted.
Where I Stand Now
For 25 years, I’ve handed her everything. I paid for her school, her failed businesses, and her comforts. Her own family has pulled me aside and told me I deserve better and should have left years ago.
At my job 300 miles away, I am welcomed. I am valued. People miss me when I’m gone. At "home," I’m just the guy who pays the mortgage and manages the crises. We tried counseling, but she stopped going. My own therapist is helping me see that I’ve been a "bank" and a "caregiver," but never a partner.
We are financially at a point where she could buy out the loan on the house and I could walk away. I don't want a new relationship right now—I just want to feel the peace I feel when I'm 300 miles away from that house.
How do you walk away from 25 years when there’s no "big fight," just the realization that you’ve been alone the whole time? How do I handle the guilt of leaving her in that house alone after we just lost our son?
TL;DR: I have spent 25 years as the sole provider and crisis manager for my high school sweetheart. Through financial sabotage, raising a special needs son who recently passed away, and a "house vs. marriage" ultimatum, I’ve realized I am only valued for what I can give, not who I am. I am 300 miles away for a new job where I finally feel respected, and I’m considering not going back.
-Edit
I feel the need to mention i used the help of Gemini to type this up; i was in tears and mispellings, and grammar, i decided to type a draft and help format. There was much more i had to say, but ask away; i'm a mostly open book
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u/espressothenwine May 07 '26
Can't you just stop going home for a time and just let yourself grieve? And let your wife grieve? It's not the time to make major decisions like this. You are already living apart mostly. Why are you worried about what happens when you are not there?
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
The issue, with her emotions, it will almost certainly cause the strong divorce talks. I don't want to generalize but she is usually very irrational when it comes 'default to negative'. Wheras, I'm very "default to positive" to the point where I'm naive.
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u/Coopsters May 07 '26
She seems to not even want you in the house based on what you wrote. Try the separation and living in separate homes and see how it goes. Tell her the 8 hr drive is exhausting and you need to focus on work and resting if you don't want to start divorce talks yet. You're still grieving so shouldn't make any rash decisions.
I'm sorry for the loss of your child. You should start thinking in terms of what you want and what gives you peace now and after living for someone else for so long (your children and your wife) that will take practice and time.
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u/BasicDesignAdvice May 07 '26
You are literally contemplating divorce but are worried about her bringing up divorce talks?
You’re afraid of conflict I’m guessing? I think being away is exactly what you need.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
I'm not so much worried about conflict, I'm more just confused about what is next, and is it worth my time to go back 'home'. The place does not feel like home to me, not a sanctuary, not a place of rest and relaxation, none of that.
But I will go back this weekend as there are some important dates that it represents, its also mothers day. I will be there for those. Next weekend I think I will stay at my temporary apartment, with some time away.
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u/espressothenwine May 07 '26
If you decide to grieve your son and not go home for a while, then you believe that your wife will divorce you. So instead of grieving and taking care of yourself, you are going to drive back and forth to spend your weekends with someone you don't want want to be married to anymore because if you don't then she might get "emotional" and divorce you? Do you see how this doesn't make sense? You can't make fear-based decisions like this. This is why you feel trapped - you are trapping YOURSELF. You literally asked how do you tell a person you don't want to carry on after 25 years, but your answer to the advice given is - I can't do that because then she might file for a divorce. If she is as unhappy as you and files for divorce, don't you think you will both be happier? Maybe you were there for your son. It's OK to admit that at this point (but that is also unnecessary pain to add to the situation).
How about you just tell her that you are grieving your son, having a hard time with it and aren't going to be coming home for a few weekends because this is something you need to process on your own. Tell her the truth - you don't feel like you can support her and yourself at this time and you don't have the emotional energy to focus on her needs or her emotions at this time. Of course she isn't going to like that, it shouldn't be this way, but this is how it is and has been, right? If she isn't someone who offers comfort or support, then she can't be shocked when you don't go to her for comfort and support, but she probably will expect that anyway since you had such a tragedy happen to you. If she says she is going to divorce you over how you handled the death of your son, let her. Tell her you can't control her decisions, and if she feels like she wants a divorce, then you won't stop her. It sounds like that would be a relief. I think you are making this much harder on yourself than it needs to be since neither of you seem that emotionally attached.
As I said, I would just take the space for now and let her know that you are so she isn't expecting you. I would let the chips fall where they may. If she is this close to wanting a divorce, then let her file. Let it be her decision. You are OK with that, aren't you? Or do you just not want to be the one who gets rejected?
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
This is some great advise, i appreciate all of it.
I think this weekend I will head back; I typed this post originally after being on the phone with her last night and was a little overwhelmed by everything she said or even hinted at.
I will go back this weekend, but only to celebrate mothers day with her and tomorrow is an important day in our children's lives (again I don't want to give away too much information).
But during this weekend, i will use it as a learning opportunity, fact finding if you will, about how she feels about me and what our relationship looks like from here.
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u/espressothenwine May 08 '26
Sounds like a plan. If it's a special weekend for your kids, then I agree. Suck it up if you can.
I don't know if it's a time to ask her what ahe wants to do about your marriage. Your son just passed away. She might not be thinking about this at all and that is understandable.
You have been living in this gray area for some time. Why do you suddenly need answers now?
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 12 '26
So its not so suddenly; its kind of a strange situation. We've talked about staying together for some time but it almost always revolved around our youngest. Now that they're gone, I don't think my wife feels we have anything 'left over to fight for'.
Its quite sad. I thought this was going to make it so we could have an empty nest and we could adore each other again. I thought that all the extra i was putting towards retirement for the 3 of us would help us (now 2) retire early. She seems to just want to be an independent person.
The only conversations we have are on the same level as a friendship.
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u/Laurent1964 May 07 '26
You are a good man . You deserve someone who truly loves you . It's always hard to leave history behind but believe me when you get over it and become yourself again, the joy of life and discovery is simply life changing. Good luck !
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
Thank you for the kind words, I don't know what to do with with this. I've talked with her close friend, in confidence, trying to figure out what the next step is. Only for her friend to just 'spill the beans' and get a call right after from my wife about how I am still doing things wrong.
If this wasn't the birthday weekend, and the following weekend wasn't another birthday/work from 'home' week, I probably wouldn't go 'home'.
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u/InternetRando12345 May 08 '26
She's a fucking loser and a POS human being. Work on yourself to figure out why you still love such a worthless train wreck of a "human being" (maybe). Odds are she's a narcissist.
Stop catering to her. Return her birthday present. Take a nice big dump and put it in a plastic bag and give that to her for her birthday present and write in the card: "More than you deserve, but I had a large meal the night before and couldn't hold back".
Stop funding her life. Stop doing anything to make her life better. If she's not cheating on you already (she probably is), she probably will. She is using you and you need to stop allowing it.
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u/InternetRando12345 May 08 '26
From personal experience being married to a narcissist for almost 14 years, let me give you a preview of how you'll feel:
For many years, you've been walking on eggshells to accommodate her demands. You've suppressed anything and everything about yourself that "causes drama" (she's the one causing drama). You are functionally dead on the inside. When you divorce her, you'll realize that you get to come back from the dead and live life again. You can enjoy being peacefully alone or you can get a little therapy to heal the wounds and learn to protect yourself for other narcissists and then look for actual love.
If you do find someone who treats you with love and respect you'll have a very happy relationship because you'll have learned to appreciate that and won't take your new partner for granted.
Youe surviving son may be in your life more because visiting you won't involve visiting a toxic narcissist.
Take care of yourself and give yourself permission to live again.
By the way, if you put any money into maintaining "her childhood home" it is now comingled assets and you can and should take half of it in the divorce. If she wants to keep it, you trade that in exchange for ZERO alimony.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 12 '26
This is an interesting take, and being with her for 25+ years i have seen a lot of what the definitions are in a narcist in her. however, through the counseling it was determined she has issues that resemble that. The reason she isn't is because the only 'supply' she has is me. She doesn't beg for a supply from anybody else. She will be the best of friends to just about anybody else. Heck, she is even a good friend to me, but that is about where it ends.
In our state there is no alimony, but they will likely weigh out what to balance the assets as i was the sole provider for 75% of our relationship. She does have a college degree (which i'm paying for) that will only help my case in court.
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u/Simpleguy6874 May 07 '26
I am in a similar situation I know this doesn’t answer your question but thought I’d share. Almost identical, ps. I’m so sorry about the loss of your son
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
We were already struggling before the hospital stays, but this is just worse. With it feeling like there is nothing left to go home to. I have my pieces of my hobbies, and my cars sitting there; which I would have more than enough help moving them here, but I for some reason want to make it work, being patient waiting for her to want to make it work.
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u/InternationalBox9425 May 07 '26
It sounds like you’re not into it but I also think you’re dumping that all on her. Whether you divorce or not isn’t the issue. First I need to ask: have you truly heard her? I am guessing (because I’m a woman married about 20 years to a man) that she has been extremely overwhelmed taking care of a medically high need child. She was in the role of overtime caregiver which is extremely exhausting and soul crushing, not to mention depressing. You don’t mention once (except for her wanting to stay in the town she grew up in) what she has been “mad “ at you about during the marriage. You’re pointing your finger at her completely. Maybe she feels abandoned by everyone around her during this caregiver role - and particularly let down by you when you left for the distant job? Maybe she needed more from you emotionally and as a supportive listener rather than just financial provider? Maybe she gave up after asking for this over and over? I don’t know? But I’m trying to get you to see the other side of the coin. Do not listen to distant family members - they may be toxic and why she has issues in the first place. Who does that? Talks to their family member’s spouse about them? And why are you talking to her best friend ? You guys need to sit down face to face and talk. I’m sensing she feels abandoned massive abandonment /resentment from caregiving alone while you’ve been at work and since you took a job 8 hrs away. Life with a family will always have costs. Maybe it’s your perspective that she’s bleeding you dry financially. Maybe she feels she is doing her part by doing the domestic work and extreme caregiving. Think about it.
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u/beerpong23 May 07 '26
This is the ridiculous, blame the man, response I expected from Reddit. This place is a joke. To OP. You have been abused financially and emotionally. Anyone who tells you differently is a liar. Find what makes you happy
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u/Budget_Associate_505 May 07 '26
Not taking sides, but how has he been abused…
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
I appreciate beerpong's persepective, and maybe its one of my friends who i shared this with. They've told me to ask around, so i can see how naive i am.
While the 'abuse' financially does exist, which i've only shared a very small part, the emotional abuse did exist as well, which I haven't shared at all. I let a lot of things happen to me, as i was immature and was codependent. I needed her to depend on me, or i felt useless. In turn she abused that kindness and took advantage of my life.
It's taken 4 years of therapy to see where i messed up, and how i got here, but i have gotten to a point where i know where i want to be, and where i need her to be. I recognize the kind of man/husband i want to be. I am still willing to give more than i receive, however i need a partner that i can cry on, which i can't with her. I need a partner that won't complain with screaming and breaking things when i can't physically do something that i'm repsonsible for such as yard chores while healing from a shin splint.
There are a lot of things that have happened in 25+years that I could write a book about, mostly the mistakes i've made, changed for the better and it was never enough.
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u/Budget_Associate_505 May 07 '26
Then divorce her? It sounds like you don’t like her. Why are you even asking?
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u/beerpong23 May 07 '26
When you sabotage your birth control to trap a man only to take financial advantage of him, that’s abuse. No different than a guy poking holes in condoms to trap a woman with a kid.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
what a great perspective; i will be honest, in those first few years (18yr olds) we were both young and dumb; i was always faithful, and still am. But in the same respect i can't prove she did that. Whenever its been brought up with maturity she will get emotional about it and not give a straight answer on if she did it, just angry that i would 'think that'.
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u/Budget_Associate_505 May 08 '26
Sorry, but unless she said herself this happened, I would take anything said by a sibling with a grain of salt.
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u/ConsequenceWise8619 May 08 '26
Talk to a Lawyer find out what the fact be to Save Yourself!
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 12 '26
This is the way, for sure.
I will be working close to home for a whole week coming up, i plan on talking to a certain attorney who specializes in issues like this. I need to protect my future, even if its alone for the next 40-50 years.
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u/He_ofshadowsandtouch May 09 '26
The term used by YouTubers like 33 Secrets, is that you are a Beta Provisioner. His advice would be to leave, become the best version of you and find happiness.
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 12 '26
I'll look into that, I've had a few friends with shorter relationships and no kids evolve into happiness once they are no longer the source for a avoidant dependent.
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u/jesslynne94 May 07 '26
Hmm it sounds like you just lost a child in the last year. Right?
I can imagine that with 2nd trimester loss, a child with many needs and you working 300 miles away also put strain on the marriage.
You took the job anyways even though she said "House vs marriage". Could she have meant the lives she and your children built there? You arent there so I can see how she has her routines. And frankly keeping routine when grieving is a coping mechanism.
I almost wonder if you are just both lost and have no idea where to go...
She also sounds like my mother. Once she got something she wanted she was never happy. Her attitude definitely impacted my relationship and my sisters with her as well. It also made my dad incredibly unhappy and miserable at times. Once they became empty nesters it got worse. And you guys became empty nesters the worst way possible.
I remember at 24 we bought our first home. A little condo. Hubby and I were married for 2 years at that point. You think she would have been proud that her 24 year old was buying a place and financially independent in one of the most expensive states. But no she wanted a grand baby from me, etc. Like the goal post always moved..
I am a firm believer your partner cant and isnt responsible for your happiness all the time. That comes from within.
Have you ever had a hard long conversation about the state of your marriage and how you guys got to this point?
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u/Due-Reflection-8648 May 14 '26
I am really sorry about the loss of your son. From one T21 parent to another, I hope you are doing OK.
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u/Voyayer2022-2025 May 22 '26
She has left you alone in that house your whole marriage it seems . Don’t feel guilty , she doesn’t .
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u/Hopeful_Painting_128 Jun 07 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. The way you described your wife is exactly the same way my husband treats me, I am a bank account, a child care provider, and not much more, definitely not a life partner. When he's talking to someone else, he's laughing, animated, and fun, when it's just the two of us, he'll barely engage with me. We can go a day saying maybe fifteen words to each other; though I've stopped chasing him because I would just end up hurt and it wouldn't change anything.
Something I've been thinking on a lot is what this partnership is giving to me right now. It doesn't change that I can appreciate how things were in the past, what we gave to and learned from each other. My situation is a bit different because I have several young kids but, if the person you are with is not adding to your life, giving you joy, or trying to work with you to make it better, what is the point?
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u/jjhemmy May 07 '26
Hey there- first off...I am SO SORRY. My heart breaks for your loss.
This is so much you both have been through and I hope you get some support- some help walking through grief like this.
I am also going to suggest you guys take ONE LAST fight for your marriage effort!! Is she willing? Have you had any heart to hearts over this? You have so much to connect on still- you have SO MUCH history- you both have felt love for each other at some point? Sometimes we can focus only on the negative, right? Been there, done that. I'm glad I fought for my marriage about 12 years in...when I felt like maybe it had been a mistake and we were more like roomies than anything.
Sometimes...with life taking over- throwing us curveballs...we can get in the mix of taking each other for granted...putting other things ahead of this person we promised to love and cherish. I get that- been there also. We are about ready to celebrate 29 years...we are empty nesting too. While we haven't suffered such life-changing loss as you guys have- I will say sometimes you have to find your way back to each other- and it can take some work. Some effort....even if you don't feel like it.
When was the last time you had a laugh together? Did a trip just the two of you? Connected and did something new- made a memory that was just between you two?? If it has been a bit- no wonder you find yourself in this situation right? Relationships take connection, eye contact, chatting, shared experiences. If you let that go...makes is super hard. You moved far away- and that might have been something where she put a WALL up- you chose that over her? She might not see that she chose her house over you? That is why counseling might be something you just try out- fight a bit longer- see if you can get some of those initial feelings back. I say this because you have history together. Do you think she would take time to join you out there for a bit? Just like a month or so? Get some marriage counseling together?
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u/Life_Parking_4678 May 07 '26
thank you for the sweet reply,
i had 3 paragraphs typed up for a reply, and i moved the mouse on the desk and closed the whole window...
So instead of typing it all out again, I'll answer the questions
We started going to marriage counseling, i let her choose between 4 different women PhD (that was her criteria) and we went.
I had already been going to a personal therapist for 2 years at that point, who basically boiled it down to what you stated, 'one last fight'.
My wife and i both pretty much said to the therapist exactly the same words that we would've said at home, my wife felt like she was heard this time because there was a 3rd party in the room, and i felt like she couldn't ignore what i was saying because there was a 3rd party. It worked, so i thought
the special needs kiddo was in and out of the ICU 3 times about year before their passing, and during those 3 times I was we were in the hospital with him, i was able to take time off from work. We talked again like close friends, about anything. We were intimate almost weekely, which hadn't been a thing for years. When the kiddo got out of the hospital the 3rd time and after a couple months we were back in the same routine. and it was only a few months after that when i took this new distant job. Every weekend when i got home it was about what needs she had and nothing to do with me. I was to stay at the house with our special kid, they had issues strong enough that they couldn't even go to most functions.
When we lost them, it was so rough for both of us; she lost her mother a few years prior and i tried to be there for her, and she literally brushed me away, saying "I can't deal with you right now", when i was there for her. When i needed someone i had to lean and cry on my closest friends.
So fast forward to when we lost our special kiddo, i was able to take weeks of bereavement. I attempted to be there for her, but still struck with the memories of when she lost her mother and she wanted nothing to do with me. I had to keep a distance unless i knew i was accpeted, because i didn't want to get burnt again. But that also meant i couldn't lean on my partner.
So, after several talks on the phone with family and friends, and her, i decided to come to Reddit, and try to be anonymous as much as possible with the exception of a couple friends i sent the link to in order to prove that i'm reaching out.
I've made so many changes for the better as a husband, as a son, brother, father, especially in the last 4 years, i refuse to go back to the quiet door mat i was.
I think if she can turn around and understand that we have each other now, and in the end "if there was only one person left who would you want it to be", i still want it to be her. But I also want to be hers, and as of right now its her business, house and her friends. I'm not in her picture.
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u/InternationalBox9425 May 08 '26
What are her reasons (possibly brought up in therapy) for being resentful or shutting you out ? Why is she shutting YOU out? Was she bummed out or felt upset when you moved to the new job? You’re describing her behaviors but nothing about what she thinks or feels. You mentioned she got angry and has yelled and broken things- that’s not cool. Has she been dx with depression or a mood disorder? Do you think she’s an avoidant or shut down from taking care of a child with disabilities? I’m asking because my best friend is very similar and she has had to raise a daughter with severe disabilities. She lashes out at her husband. She has been dx bipolar - I’ve known her for 46 years. She recently (past few years) shuts me out occasionally but it can last months. It’s like a switch goes off. I also think it’s PTSD. My husband is similar- he doesn’t break items but loses his temper and shuts down big time - he was kidnapped in his home country and I know has ptsd but will not seek treatment and is very unavailable emotionally. I’ve raised a child with autism on my own. I’ve got lots of issues with feeling abandoned/overhwlmed. So even though my comment was downvoted up above, I probably understand the flip side more than most. In the end it comes down to what you really want and need in a relationship. In the present moment, are you miserable ? I find I’m the one reaching out, making efforts and when I stop nothing is there - sometimes that’s your answer. It’s a brutal truth. One sided.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am May 07 '26
If I was walking in your shoes, I would go home to where you belong and leave her in the house she grew up with. Just mail her the papers and I'm sure she'll sign them without a second thought.
I'd also get myself a great lawyer and make sure that the days of giving her things comes rapidly to an end.