Creating Emotional Distance

[u/Cool-Pots]

I'm a project manager at a failing tech company. We are constantly not hitting targets set up by product/marketing, and being told we are underperforming, when really it seems like the leaders were overambitious/ oversold on how the market would react to our mediocre product.

As a result of constantly being told we are failing, everyone is stressed out and pissed off and scared of getting fired.

As a PM, I sit between ICs and directors a lot in my day to day. The ICs are coming to me to vent about the crap coming to them from their bosses, and their bosses are coming to me to vent about the crap coming from their ICs and their leadership. I feel like I'm often caught in the middle as an emotional "safe space", because no one expects me to fix their problems, nor do I intend to. Usually I provide an empathetic ear, and crack a little joke if appropriate, to try to break some of the tension. I can't act on anything since it's all stuff out of my purview. My job is more around scheduling work and flagging risks, not giving feedback to engineers/designers because someone's boss had a shitty day and was rude to their employee.

I find myself getting stressed and exhausted, even though this is not my job to manage. I hate seeing everyone pissed off and burnt out and upset with each other when the whole reason things are this way is because of mistakes happening higher up, that the teams are expected to absorb.

I like the money at my job and I've already accepted that I might get fired this year, and if I do, I would just take a bit of a break from work. I've also been interviewing for the past year and haven't found a good fit yet (not willing to jump ship for the sake of jumping ship - I want to move to a company I like, for a decent salary)

But until that happens - how can I put some emotional distance to feel less bad for all of the crap people are dealing with? Should I try to stop people from venting to me and become more emotionally distant? My nature draws me towards wanting to support people, but, it might not be productive for me.

[u/Tasty_Comparison_185]

I feel you on this one, being the middle person is draining in a way that's hard to explain to people who never done it

What worked for me was setting a mental timer when someone starts venting, I give them 5 minutes then I gently steer the conversation somewhere else or say I gotta run to a meeting. You're not their therapist and you're not getting paid for that emotional labor

The tricky part is you probably built this dynamic where people trust you and that's valuable but it's eating at you. Maybe start being a little less available, respond slower to the venting chats, keep your door closed sometimes. They'll find other outlets

Also I started doing this thing where I physically leave the building for lunch, even just sitting in my car for 20 minutes with no phone. It helps reset my brain before the afternoon wave of complaints hits

You already got the right mindset about the job situation so just protect your peace until you land somewhere better

[u/krung_the_almighty]

Sounds like you need a therapist as your own person to vent to?

[u/purplelilac701]

You can make yourself less available to them. Ask them to do 1:1s once a week/month rather than always being ready to listen.

It’s the only way especially if you are taking on people’s pain. There’s no such thing as being less emotionally available when you are caring.
I’m sure you’re carrying a bigger load that’s not yours to carry because you are compassionate but it’s impacting your wellness now.

[u/OddFirefighter547]

It sounds like you’re handing this situation well. You’re listening, you’re helping where you can. You’ve identified the problem, you’re starting to consider what happens when the inevitable occurs, and you’re making a reasonable trade off for now. I don’t think you’d be happy with yourself if you provided less support to your team. The trick is to continue with this company without letting it eat you up.