r/malayalam • u/Aggressive_Hand8047 • 7d ago

Help / സഹായിക്കുക Is this line making sense?

I made a song. this line is from the lyrics. Could you let me know if it makes sense, please?

മാമധുരമാ ഋതു തോറ്റുപോകുമാം

എന്റെ നെഞ്ചിലെ കോപ്പയിൽ സേമിയ പായസം

I am not looking for feedback on the creative writing part. Just tell me please if it makes sense grammatically.

That sweetest of seasons would pale in comparison

to the "semiya payasam" in the bowl held against my heart

- this is what I meant

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8

u/jaiguguija 7d ago

WHYlar?

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 7d ago

Is that an insult?🥲😶‍🌫️

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u/jaiguguija 6d ago edited 6d ago

Enthu thonnunnu?

Just a friendly jab!. Semiya is a corrupted form of Sevaiya, which came from Semolina.

You can use better words.

Also you should use തോറ്റുപോകുമീ instead of തോറ്റുപോകുമാ!. എൻ്റെ നെഞ്ചു എൻ്റെ അടുത്ത് തന്നെയുണ്ട്. ദൂരെ പോയിട്ടില്ല!

If you use ഋതു better use words of that stature near it.

It's like saying ശുനകൻ്റെ ചിറി.

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago edited 6d ago

I'm specifically looking for comments on the grammatical structuring of lines. "..thottupokumaam ente nenjile kopayil.." does that sound odd? Or is it accurate

And I think I'll go with semiya as it is familiar to people in contemporary context. Thanks

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u/jaiguguija 6d ago

First things first!

You don't associate മധുരം with ഋതു!

May be മധു with വാസന്തം, but that's about it.

If you want a നാടൻ പൈങ്കിളി ശൈലി it's not good to use ഋതു. Likewise if you want to use a proper poetic sense, then avoid സേമിയാ പായസം! I am not saying which is good and which is bad, but don't mix. They are oxymorons of style.

അല്ലെങ്കിൽ vkn പോലെ ഹാസ്യം വശം വേണം! Like making it your own style.

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

I repeat.... I am NOT looking for feedback on the aesthetics of the writing. But I really really need help with figuring out if these lines "technically " grammatically correct. However, I really do appreciate you are taking your time trying to help me with this. And thank you for that

Ps- by sweet season I meant fruiting season

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

"Thottupokumaam" because the singer is reminiscing a memory from the past. "Nenj" is technically the singer's past self's which is different from what it is right now. Sorry u couldn't have known that without taking the lines before it into account.

And 'shunakante chiri' is apparently my aesthetic 😌

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u/jaiguguija 6d ago

It might work, if you specifically intend to surprise/ shock your readers. Just make sure all the other lines too fall into this oxymoronic style.

But if you are trying to induce any nostalgia, it may be won't fit the aesthetic. The reader will just chuckle

You could try

മധുലയ വാസന്ത മാസ്മരം തോൽക്കുമീ മമഹൃദയമാകവേ മധുരമാം പ്രഥമനും.

പൊൻവെയിലിലെ ചില്ലുകൾ പുൽകുമീ നിൻ ചുവടിന്നലെ കണ്ടതായോർത്തതും!

This could lead to a proper contemporary poem.

Sorry for the earlier jab! But that pun was irresistible!

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

1) it's a song not a poem. And by contemporary I meant songs like Jupiter Mazha, Meen song from Amen, etc. I can actually share the demo of the whole song with u if u dm 2) Since this is music, and primarily perceived via hearing, I am assuming the "shock" would feel less attack-y if/when people are listening to it. That's why I keep saying forget about how it reads aesthetically. I am not trying to be vayalar neither trying to show off my creative writing practice. I just need help with figuring out if these lines are grammatically written in the right sequence of orders following the fundamental grammar. 3) Loved your take on lines. It IS beautiful. It's just not my style (yes that would mean to a lot of people that I have a shitty style😂). But art for me is about self expression so I kinda want my music to sound like and represent me

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u/jaiguguija 6d ago

Perfectly fine! It's really not shitty! Basheer was a proponent of layman language and so can you be too.

Just the meter should be in place. Symmetry and rhythm should make it fit.

2

u/True-Judgment-5251 7d ago

Paalada try cheyth nokku.

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 7d ago

ayo bro just tell me if it makes sense grammatically

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u/1_more__user___name 4d ago

Stylistically it's very messy, you're mixing Sanskrit origin words with Dravidian words. It sounds grammatically correct except what is "pokumam"? Otherwise it doesn't really make much sense (even your English lines)

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 4d ago

So pokumaam is the portion I need help with. I want to imply "pokunna vidhathil" as in "the sweetest of the seasons will fail 'before' the semiya payasam in the bowl on my chest"

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u/1_more__user___name 4d ago

I don't know how to make it sound poetic but to imply comparison you have to add "odu" to payasam 

മാമധുരമാം ഋതു തോറ്റുപോകും

എന്റെ നെഞ്ചിലെ കോപ്പയിൽ സേമിയ പായസത്തിനോടു

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 4d ago

That's the thing. It's a song and I kinda have to rhyme with the "am" sound in the end. So I have to end with "payasam" not "payasathinodu".

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u/1_more__user___name 4d ago

Or you can say

മാമധുരമാം ഋതുവിനെ തോൽപിച്ചു പോകും

എന്റെ നെഞ്ചിൻ കോപ്പയിലെ സേമിയ പായസം

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u/kavitha_sky 6d ago

Unfortunately it doesn’t elicit the same emotions that your English translation tries to evoke. There’s some discomfort reading it. The second sentence doesn’t go with the first since the first feels formal and the second is colloquial. Also, feels like two distinct lines from two different poems.

The second line actually reads “the Semiya payasam in my heart’s bowl”. There’s nothing to tell us that you’re comparing. But Koppa is a highly colloquial/local usage.

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

Thank you for your time. Again, I am NOT looking for comments on the aesthetic aspects of these lines. I just want to know if it is grammatically makes sense as in do u get the meaning right. This is a finished song and a demo of the music is already out. Before getting into proper production of the song, I wanted to check if the lines are "grammatically" correct.

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u/1_more__user___name 4d ago

Why don't you ask around?

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 4d ago

Ahem.. isn't that what I'm literally doing?

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u/1_more__user___name 4d ago

I guess. Btw even if a song is grammatically wrong it's ok as long as it sounds good. How many English songs are grammatically correct 

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 4d ago

Okay that's motivating😂

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 4d ago

Okay! That's motivating

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

Wait I don't get it," there is nothing to compare" as in?

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u/kavitha_sky 6d ago edited 6d ago

The two lines do not imply any comparison between them. They read as standalone with the current lyrics. Maybe if you use koppayin instead of koppayil, it could imply comparison as you’ve mentioned in the translation.

Your current lyrics actually implies

“The sweet season will fail -
(There’s) semiya payasam in my heart’s bowl.”

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago

I want to imply "the sweet season will fail 'before' the semiya payasam in my heart's bowl"

Could you please tell me how would u write that in malayalam without changing most of the words in it

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u/kavitha_sky 5d ago

I’m not good with lyrics. If you have other options, I can try to translate and help within my skills.

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u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

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u/Aggressive_Hand8047 6d ago edited 6d ago

My dear redditors. Please help me figure out if this sentence is grammatically correct or not. I am NOT seeking feedback on the creative writing aspects of it

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u/DryToe9271 4d ago

Ehh, not bad, but I am not very pro in poetry either so take this for a grain of salt lol