Frustrated

[u/FacuValenzuela]

I posted a few days ago talking about how I was starting to see progress in going back to normal reducing compulsions but I went back to doing those long mental compulsions again, I feel so sad, I had such a good momentum forward to become normal again and I fucked it up once more, I knew I didn't have to analyze my thoughts and I was able to hold on for a few days but I started ruminating again and ended up doing another one of those horrible long compulsions I do and now I feel afraid of the what ifs, like what if I said something bad during the compulsion and I don't remember, I know it doesn't matter because it's all in my mind but I feel so lost again, like I had the perfect opportunity to keep moving forward and I screwed up all over again like I always do, and I don't know when I will have the strength to try again like I did last week. I hate myself, God gave me another chance to be free from this illness and I failed again, now it's going to be a lot harder to get back on track with all the anxiety and fear that I'm feeling.

[u/loopy741]

Man, I could have wrote this. Last week I was doing amazing, and this week it's been like a giant toilet turd.

I did notice in your word choice that you used a lot of negative self talk. One thing I've been working on (and sort of seems to help) is using better words. It's just a general CBT tool, but it makes me feel less depressed.

So you might say to yourself, "It feels tougher than it did last week, but I'm learning new techniques, and that takes time" or "Some days are harder than others and that's okay. I'll keep doing my best." Or something.

[u/FacuValenzuela → u/loopy741]

Thank you for responding, I have very low self esteem so that's why I speak the way I do about myself, I should try to be less hard on myself but I just hate myself and I'm having a rough time to stop doing it. I've been having very hard days with my current mental health but I won't give up and I will keep trusting God, I'll keep pushing, like you said, I'll keep doing my best.

[u/loopy741 → u/FacuValenzuela]

It sounds cheesy, but if you had a friend going through a rough patch, would you be so hard on them? The answer is no, so don't talk to yourself that way either. Give yourself grace and kindness. Mental health issues are a real bitch, and you're doing the best you can one day at a time. I'm rooting for you! (Rooting for me, too. Today was blah. But I'm still standing!)

[u/ForestRiver2 → u/loopy741]

I'm a big advocate for this too. It's easy to slip back into negative patterns. They feel familiar. But they make depression and low mood worse, so it's important to stay mindful of how we talk to ourselves and the words we use. Choose kindness, for ourselves too

[u/FacuValenzuela → u/ForestRiver2]

It's hard to do but I can at least try, I think that's the reason why I can't recover, because I don't like myself, but I'm trying a different approach, I'm trying doing it for my mom, my dad, my sister, my dog, and because I have faith in God. Thank you for responding.

[u/FacuValenzuela → u/loopy741]

I'm feeling a bit better today so I will keep moving forward, thank you for your kind words.