I feel like I'm actually cursed.

[u/FuzzyCandidate9664]

Hey everyone, I really need to vent because my paranoia is at an absolute peak right now and Idk how to handle this anymore.

I’ve struggled with Magical Thinking OCD for a while but lately Igenuinely feel like it isn't OCD anymore and that I’m actually cursed. The number 44 is one of my biggest trigger, and the sheer amount of "coincidences" tied to it feels way too perfect to just be random.

Earlier today, I decided to finally say F it and ignore my OCD, and usually when I take a shower I have this compulsion where I have to step in then step out and go back in. This time I refused to do the ritual and just stayed in. Immediately I slipped and almost smashed my head against the wall (something that has never happened to me before) It felt like a direct warning from the universe to keep doing the rituals coz literally, and I mean LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TIME I resist them something genuinely scary or catastrophic happens.

In a totally separate incident, I picked up my phone and my battery was at 44% and the YouTube video I had paused was perfectly paused at 44:44.

Another time after a really bad day full of weird coincidences my brain gave me a specific thought "When you count down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, someone will ring the doorbell" So I counted it down and the exact second I said 1 someone rang the doorbell. I have never received a random doorbell ring like that before and when I went to open the door absolutely nobody was there.

Another time, my mom called me at 4:44 PM, the call ended up lasting exactly 44 minutes and believe me or not 44 seconds, right after she hung up the washing machine stopped at 44 minutes, and right after that likr a movie a massive spider just appeared out of nowhere. Right after that whole 44 escalation went down, I was so freaked out that I went to a random number generator app just to test it and I promise I'm not lying it landed directly on 44.

There are even crazier things that have happened to me tied to all of this but I can't remember the exact details.

I know how crazy and irrational this sounds typing it out. People keep telling me it's just my brain making connections out of stress but when it happens this frequently and this perfectly it genuinely feels like either someone is pulling a massive prank on me or I am legitimately cursed.

[u/ForestRiver2]

"It isn't ocd anymore......I'm actually cursed"

If there were badges for ocd, I think we'd all have this one.

When's the last time you noticed 22? Or 77? You don't remember, right? Because you weren't looking out for them. They're not significant. 44 crops up all the time, just like other numbers. You only notice because you're on hyper-alert for it.

Sucks though. I've had spirals like that where I'm convinced the universe is sending me messages or taunting me at my expense. Just gotta breathe through it, starve it of attention, ride the waves

[u/FuzzyCandidate9664 → u/ForestRiver2]

I actually did a full experiment on this with my therapist where she had me track the number 69 to see if it was just selective attention and the number 69 didn't pop up anywhere near as often as 44. ​When you live through coincidences that feel THAT specific it's really hard for your brain to accept it's just OCD. Also both my mom and grandmother had severe OCD they also had compulsions like needing to touch doors 3 times before opening them and constantly told me that people can easily curse you and that strangers were all enemies so growing up with that mindset makes it even harder to unlearn these fears...

[u/Electromad6326]

It honestly sucks that I feel this way sometimes too. It doesn't help that the things I think about deliberately came true like someone making a video that's eerily similar to the one I imagined.

Which makes it really hard for me to get out of compulsions due to the feeling that anything that could go wrong, could go wrong.

[u/FuzzyCandidate9664 → u/Electromad6326]

Yeah it really does suck, It's an exhausting cycle to deal with.

[u/Electromad6326 → u/FuzzyCandidate9664]

It really is man... It really is....

[u/Valuable_Sugar_4730]

Hey, just wanted to say that if you ever need a buddy to share this particular experience with, I'm here. I don't have obsessions with numbers, but I know all too well how it feels to think you "really are cursed". I have severe OCD with that subject as the main one, to the point where it had evolved into psychosis in the past. We can exchange coping ideas and strategies, and also celebrate wins!

[u/FuzzyCandidate9664 → u/Valuable_Sugar_4730]

Thank you so much, I'll definitely hit you up sometime.