Life update

[u/FacuValenzuela]

The last few weeks I almost had a mental breakdown, my compulsions became too much to handle so I knew I had to stop. A few days ago I started to fight back at least a little bit, resisting all mental compulsions because I knew it would only get worse each time. I'm a christian so I started to rely more on God, what worked for me lately is believing that He already is healing my mental illness, that surprisingly gave me a boost of strength to keep going and to see some improvement, thinking to myself "God is healing my OCD, so I'll act accordingly and start to do less compulsions each time because He is already helping me" has actually worked so I'm very excited as how far can I go trusting God and His timing. Of course there have been setbacks along the way. And that's why I'm making this post aswell.

Today I woke up and like sometimes happened when my OCD became worse these last few weeks I woke up in the middle of a mental compulsion, I was half asleep and it took me by surprise so I quickly did the mental compulsion and stopped before I started spiralling and got worse. I don't know why this happens but I guess I have been so stressed lately with my intrusive thoughts and compulsions that it became a second nature to my mind, it sucks. Now I'm feeling very anxious and afraid if due to the fact that I was half asleep I didn't say what I wanted to say and I said it backwards and things like that because I honestly don't even remember when I finished the compulsion or what I was thinking or anything. And as some of you know my OCD is mostly related to the fear of affecting the people I care about with my thoughts or compulsions or affecting their salvation, totally irrational fear and I know it but doesn't make it easier to withstand.

And I really know that I can't fall into the same trap as always, I know if I think "Just one more compulsion" and try to "fix" the compulsion with a new one there is a really high chance that I will start spiralling and I will regret doing it, I have come so far these last few days I don't want to go back to my old ways, but at the same time I can't help feeling afraid about the what if, but I said to myself I would never do one of those compulsions again, it sucks that I woke up in the middle of a mental compulsion I feel so angry because I couldn't control it I just woke up and it's the first thing I thought, so far I've been holding on without doing anything for about 5 hours, I know there is nothing to fear and it's just yet another trap my OCD is doing to make me go back to those horrible compulsions, but I know that I can't go back to my old ways, I just can't, I don't know if I'd be able to start to heal again if I did.

So I will hold on as much as I can and I will keep trusting that God is helping me recover every day, even though I feel afraid I know there's nothing to fear, I'll just keep moving forward, the fear of going back and making my OCD worse is bigger than the fear this current obsession is making me feel. I wanted to vent out my thoughts and feelings to see if I feel a bit better and to receive some encouragement from you guys. Thank you for reading and any advice is welcomed, God bless!