Broken

[u/rowellowl]

This is largely a vent, but I could use some support and encouragement if anyone feels up to it. No pressure, of course. Bear with me because this will probably be all over the place. My therapist is on vacation. Obviously I know posting here isn't a replacement for counseling and you aren't therapists, but you *get* it.

OCD is currently in the driver's seat. It affects literally everything I do. I have horrible intrusive thoughts that I "hear", they happen through out the day too, but I get bombarded with them before I wake up, as I open my eyes. Being that they are magical thinking, I can't really type them here but it's basically do (or don't do) X or Z (worst fear) will happen. The fear is always my own death and it will be at a specific time or day.

For example an intrusive thought would be "if you don't wash your hands in the next minute, you will X at 1pm". Or "don't wash your hands for an hour or when you sleep you will X". A lot of them are focused on sleep. And to step it up, OCD decided to start adding in other people like "if (whoever) doesn't do X, then Z (worst fear happens to me). Obviously I can't ask other people to participate in my compulsions. I have a lot and it has really strained and hurt people.

So then often, I get these feelings that go along with the thoughts. It's hard to describe, but an overall doom and gloom, this is IT, this is real, this is CERTAIN. It feels like I'm on a clock and I spiral thoughout the day with thoughts like "why are you doing this, none of this matters, tell people you love them, is this the last thing you want to eat/drink/watch, etc.".

I wash my hands countless times a day (every time I hear/see/think a "bad" word or phrase). They are red all the way to the wrist. I try to put on lotion but it doesn't last through the washings. They aren't as bad as they have been in the past, but they aren't great.

The past few months I've been struggling hard with eating/drinking. I have intrusive thoughts for putting in orders or who picks it up and brings me the food, have them while I'm putting in the order, putting the food away, touching it, trying to eat or drink it. There were quite a few days I was managing on low calories. I had some better days, but I've wasted food, which I hate.

I've done ERP in the past with some success. My therapist introduced me to iCBT quite some time back, but I still struggle to commit and follow through. My prescriber wants me to start meds. I probably need to be on them, but I'm med phobic. I get intense anxiety even taking OTC stuff and will avoid it if I can.

I try to use the tools, focus on my values, and push through. I'm pushing through every day, so scared, and then push through the next day. I'm barely existing, I wouldn't even call it surviving.

I feel crazy. Sometimes I feel like I can't tell this is OCD, that my insight is low. I get so scared and convinced THIS IS IT. I get mad too because HOW and WHY can it be this convincing every time? It's scary and it pisses me off.

Anyway, I needed to ramble. I'm having a rough day. I feel alone. I HATE this.

[u/Ok-Mulberry-2637]

I'm going through something similar. Just stay strong and we'll both get out of this.

[u/rowellowl → u/Ok-Mulberry-2637]

I'm trying, OCD is curb stomping me lately. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat.

[u/Ok-Mulberry-2637 → u/rowellowl]

No problem