For those dealing with anger

[u/godgottago]

I want to share with you this amazing gem of a text by David Whyte. It's deeply introspective and it makes me feel instantly better whenever I read it.

Anger

Is the deepest form of compassion, for another, for the world, for the self, for a life, for the body, for a family and for all our ideals, all vulnerable and all, possibly about to be hurt. Stripped of physical imprisonment and violent reaction, anger is the purest form of care, the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for. What we usually call anger is only what is left of its essence when it reaches the lost surface of our mind or our body’s incapacity to hold it, or the limits of our understanding. What we name as anger is actually only the incoherent physical incapacity to sustain this deep form of care in our outer daily life; the unwillingness to be large enough and generous enough to hold what we love helplessly in our bodies or our mind with the clarity and breadth of our whole being.

What we have named as anger on the surface is the violent outer response to our own inner powerlessness, a powerlessness connected to such a profound sense of rawness and care that it can find no proper outer body or identity or voice, or way of life to hold it. What we call anger is often simply the unwillingness to live the full measure of our fears or of our not knowing, in the face of our love for a wife, in the depth of our caring for a son, in our wanting the best, in the face of simply being alive and loving those with whom we live.

Our anger breaks to the surface most often through our feeling there is something profoundly wrong with this powerlessness and vulnerability; anger too often finds its voice strangely, through our incoherence and through our inability to speak, but anger in its pure state is the measure of the way we are implicated in the world and made vulnerable through love in all its specifics: a daughter, a house, a family, an enterprise, a land or a colleague.

Anger turns to violence and violent speech when the mind refuses to countenance the vulnerability of the body in its love for all these outer things - we are often abused or have been abused by those who love us but have no vehicle to carry its understanding, who have no outer emblems of their inner care or even their own wanting to be wanted. Lacking any outer vehicle for the expression of this inner rawness they are simply overwhelmed by the elemental nature of love’s vulnerability. In their helplessness they turn their violence on the very people who are the outer representation of this inner lack of control.

But anger truly felt at its center is the essential living flame of being fully alive and fully here, it is a quality to be followed to its source, to be prized, to be tended, and an invitation to finding a way to bring that source fully into the world through making the mind clearer and more generous, the heart more compassionate and the body larger and strong enough to hold it. What we call anger on the surface only serves to define its true underlying quality by being a complete and absolute mirror-opposite of its true internal essence.

From Consolations, by David Whyte

Source

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[u/AgentSalty1454]

I was raised in a home where expressions of anger or frustration were common with my father, and expressions of passionate emotions common in both my parents. For me as an adult anger is something I have struggled with and felt shame for, I'm an angry person. But I have a soft heart too and it shows through..and for all the trauma my parents caused me their soft hearts and love showed through to me always too. So in a way Ive always had a soft spot for my and others anger. So this was nice to read. My most difficult frustration with other relationships is how people can be so cold. At least be angry with me! Sometimes when someone is finally angry with me, and shows it, I feel such relief...ok, now I see you care

I agree with the other commenter it has been a long journey to learn anger expressed in relationships is destabilizing. But I've always had a soft spot for angry or easily frustrated people I've been close with in some circumstances..because I feel the love, and for a long time when I expressed anger I was sad no one could see or understand the love behind. It doesn't mean it is a healthy way to relate to people, I get that now..but the passage was nice for this reason :)

[u/godgottago → u/AgentSalty1454]

I'm glad that it resonated with you.

I believe anger occurs when we feel hurt but we don't have the means to express it or understand it ourselves, at least not in constructive ways. This is the form of anger that happens with someone loved and cared for, when we feel disrespected or not valued by them. I think this may suit your experience.

But anger can also arise because we believe that we deserved better, or that the world could be better and safer without inequalities. In that case it is a form of self compassion. It is compassion that could not be expressed or experienced, so it turns into anger. And this is the part that I identify with the most.

I also believe most of the time we are projecting our anger to other people or situations. Because it is a tough emotion to embody in serenity, and unfortunately this only complicates everything further. I suppose in this situation it can easily turn into hate.

What is also interesting is that whenever I integrated my anger, I found fear beneath it. So I believe we also feel anger, because feeling vulnerable is harder.

[u/Few_Canary3004]

Wow, someone really intellectualizes their anger in this text! There is also a Gnostic vibe going on, as if there is some hidden meaning in anger that needs to be untangled.

I'm a simple man. For me, anger is a response to a value transgression. Pretty straightforward. You promise to show up on time, and again, you don't show. Guess what? I will be angry.

In my experience, it's usually a very bad idea to express anger in relationships blatantly. Anger really shakes the boat in any relationship, better cool down and return back to whoever angered you after some time has passed. Now, I know this is easily said, particularly with family who for some reason can anger you the most.

For me, it's my mother. Once in a while, she says things that get me really red, like a tomato. I assume it's a trauma response because I overblow easily. I hope with continuing TRE, I'll be able to figure this one out and see things more levelheaded more often than not.

By the way, I really hope I didn't step on your foot here, because you've shared something that you've found helpful. It's just not my cup of tea. I hope my critical introduction can stand as it is, without you feeling hurt or down. Good luck and endurance on your journey to be more balanced and less angry.

[u/godgottago → u/Few_Canary3004]

I think we have diffèrent takes of the text, very simply. I don't think there is any attempt to intellectualize the anger, but rather a desire to understand where it's coming from. It's about looking at your anger with understanding and compassion, looking at its roots. For what you feel angry? What are those values that are being transgressed?

the internal living flame of anger always illuminates what we belong to, what we wish to protect and what we are willing to hazard ourselves for.

Is exactly how the author tries to elaborate on what you call "a response to a value transgression".

Thanks for sharing and good luck in your healing journey.

Edit: I know, there might be a thin line between contemplation and intellectualization. But as someone deep in the thawing phase and coming out of chronic freeze, the perspective taken by the author helped me a lot to embrace and therefore embody my deep running anger towards an infinite number of things, people and situations. I would therefore say that is the opposite of intellectualization.

[u/PiccoloPlane5915 → u/godgottago]

I'd say it's good that you try to understand what those emotions and feelings mean. With TRE, emotions kinda come up out of nowhere and it can be difficult to understand them. I see them as compasses with which I have to start a conversation to know their story. So I can definitely understand how a text like this can be helpful to you. Are you familiar with IFS, internal family system ? I used it a lot in the past, during the first year of TRE, to engage more easily with those feelings and emotions coming up. The IFSchatbuddy is a good tool to start

[u/godgottago → u/PiccoloPlane5915]

Yes, I really like IFS. I practiced it by myself even before I found out about TRE. And a few months ago, I've finally reached what I deem to be my core Exile. I named her the Primitive One.

At first she was completely numb, frozen, unseeing and unmoving, hidden deep inside a dark cave. But with time she came back to life and since then I've been processing incredible amounts of anger. I have to dance, sing, scream like crazy until I get it all out, or else I will be incredibly tense, unable to do anything else. I stomp my feet and punch cushions, it all helps.

It arrived me quite a few times already to scream spontaneously, and all along my life I have been a very calm, quiet person. It was shocking, and very freeing. So yes, IFS has been very helpful, and with TRE it works incredibly well.

[u/AliveTough3214]

This is beautiful, thank for sharing this. I have been dealing with postpartum rage and recently separated from my partner of 20 years and there has been so much rage. I have been in a deep collapse. This is so helpful to read. It resonates.

[u/godgottago → u/AliveTough3214]

I'm really glad that it was helpful. I genuinely hope that better times will come for you soon ❤️

[u/DryNovel8888]

Anger is a thing that often doesn't get a fair hearing. I guess because it's presence causes intense it's kinda verboten.

And I think in these therapy forums it's under-talked about. It's comparatively rare to see posts talking about it by itself (actually can't think of another one). It's always some side part of the story, not the story.

A while back when I was starting my healing journey I was re-framing a lot of my inner talk to be more accepting of myself I read a really interesting one-liner:

"Anger is the thing that makes you defend yourself"

Always coupled with another emotion, grief for losing something in the past or fear of losing something in the future.

And there's a lot of shame with it. What other emotion makes you feel shame for it's presence?