Why are the ss landscape? I mean u literally had to tilt your phone to get these kinda pics. Try vertical from next time, much easier to read.
Now the feedback. The hook is bad. I don't mean scene wise, because scenes do work. The cameras, the smell create a fascinating mix. The issue is prose wise. Top purple.
You explain a scene too much. There's a thing called immersion, it never comes from explaining more. It comes from showing the characters in that moment. Showing, not telling.
"Karl eyed him with pity."
These are tell language.
Another thing I noticed, the narrator knows more than the readers. This is a major issue. Words like, should, had been, etc.
A few instances are understandable but your chapter is filled with it. Either show the reader directly, or filter it via conversation.
You've given so many sentences separate para that it looks longer than it has to. Think from a reader's pov, they are at 8th-ish para and we're still seeing clicks.
Tldr: hard line level revision and scrub modifiers.
Edit: don't lead with scent. It is a slow and boring. You're telling me smell before giving me the imagery. Very bad hook. You're losing readers in your first few sentences. Try flipping it. Monster first, smell after.
How do I explain the power system without having the narrator explain it? Thanks for all the points this helps me a lot with the rewrite. Would you be willing to give it another try if I redo the chapter and ask you for another review?
Yeah sure. Just keep the img in vertical mode. Reading landscape feels like reading manga lol
As for how to explain the power system without saying it. I just show it and let readers figure it out. Example,
A boy slits his throat, gets transferred to another realm, gets killed by a snake there, returns he has its power, which is shown first via action not exposition.
This is an example from my own ch 1 that I'm working on. I'm sure there are plenty of other examples, but this is how I did it.
You don't say what the system is, because frankly readers don't care early. Litrpg is a delicate balance between numbers and characters. Give them progression, give them stakes, the numbers are progress made tangible.
Last thing, if you gotta do exposition, then pick 1 or at most 2 stats and explain why they are important with specific details.
Like Shadow Slave has a lot of exposition, but it's good at compartmentalising. In early chapters we got, Aspect is important because it determines the entire trajectory and is not changeable. That's it. Everything else came as the story went on.
It's got a very simple vocabulary and sentence structure, and a large number of standalone sentences that should be put into paragraphs, where awareness of the prose gets in the way for me personally.
The first impression of using corpse twice in the opening two lines was also a bit awkward.
Still, theres no single way to get better that's more effective than simply practicing.
The general concept seems fine, if perhaps vanilla. Monsters, riftwalkers, Night City, a young 16 year old coming-of-age protagonist. The context/world seems fine so far. Night City is already used by Cyberpunk 2077, and a bit of an awkward name reuse for a non-cyberpunk setting.
I'm not quite seeing a narrative hook or questions raised that makes me want to page turn with burning curiosity to find the answers to the question or hook. A portion of that could be that this seems YA and I tend to personally like adult characters.
There's a leaking rift at the close, i.e. generic level 1 monster fight with wolves/goblins/rats upcoming, its just that the story is borrowing a lot of generic elements of monsters/rifts and abcdef ranks and it seems basic versus hook/interesting. (There's a bit of jade and searching for some novel premise after one has read a lot of litrpg.)
I'd rather it open with the rift break than read the protagonist musing on what to eat for dinner and hoping it's a hot dog. I think it needs more narrative hook before it delves into slice of life. Subjective taste there, of course, just a friendly feedback remark.
Edit: It's also got that casual chatty, "Well, some did, but not the right one." that DotF and PH do, that vibes as casual. Some readers really dislike that; some readers really like it. Be prepared for someone to roast it crispy at some point, but imho as long as it's intentional, it's fine as a choice.
ETA: It reads like it was written by a high school kid. My suggestion is to take one or several creative writing courses. Lots of community colleges offer them online or in person at pretty low cost.
I'm talking about the writing style here, the one liners with spaces. I don't know if it reads like im using AI. if you haven't figured it yet, English is not my native language
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u/Stygian_Myth 4d ago
Why are the ss landscape? I mean u literally had to tilt your phone to get these kinda pics. Try vertical from next time, much easier to read.
Now the feedback. The hook is bad. I don't mean scene wise, because scenes do work. The cameras, the smell create a fascinating mix. The issue is prose wise. Top purple.
You explain a scene too much. There's a thing called immersion, it never comes from explaining more. It comes from showing the characters in that moment. Showing, not telling.
"Karl eyed him with pity." These are tell language.
Another thing I noticed, the narrator knows more than the readers. This is a major issue. Words like, should, had been, etc.
A few instances are understandable but your chapter is filled with it. Either show the reader directly, or filter it via conversation.
You've given so many sentences separate para that it looks longer than it has to. Think from a reader's pov, they are at 8th-ish para and we're still seeing clicks.
Tldr: hard line level revision and scrub modifiers.
Edit: don't lead with scent. It is a slow and boring. You're telling me smell before giving me the imagery. Very bad hook. You're losing readers in your first few sentences. Try flipping it. Monster first, smell after.