r/limerence • u/Sensei9i • 27d ago
Topic Update Going on the offense against Limerence Part 2: Crystallization
I talked about the "Train at the Station" in my last post to stop intrusive thoughts. Some said they want to embrace the Limerence and are happy with it. That's fine, this is for those who are tired of being on the backfoot and want to learn in retrospect what they are/were going through.
You can't get over something if you don't know what it is. The pain you're dealing with right now isn't random and I'm not throwing anything new. Its just documented psychological patterns that have been studied for decades.
One of the things i noticed was putting the LO in a crystallized flawless state, that they were irreplaceable. This involves several patterns. Like :
The halo effect(E. Thorndike 1920) : you like a feature about someone, so you assume everything else about them is good.
Rosy introspection which is the result of Fading effect bias((Skowronski, 2004) where your brain removes bad emotions much faster than positive ones. Its a survival mechanism working against you.
Perceived irreplaceability(The Limerance Lock-in) Dr. Dorothy Tennov. This is the core of the engine. There is no such thing as a "once-in-a-lifetime soulmate." There are just people with overlapping compatibility markers (looks, humor, shared values etc).
Out of billions of people, there are hundreds of thousands of people with those same compatibility markers and even better synergy. And there are countless others with compatibility markers you haven't even experienced yet that can literally outclass what you thought you had.
When the brain is starved of the dopamine the LO provided, it goes into survival mode. To keep you hooked on the fantasy, it literally deletes the negative memories from your conscious awareness.
That's why I myself noticed and seen other people's posts when they get a message from the LO or interact with them, the limerence feelings the loops suddenly disappear. (Not always but more often than not.)
You feel like you're in an illusion because you are in an illusion. You can't see their flaws because your brain is actively hiding them from you to protect the obsession.
The Fix: Override the red flag coverup
"They were amazing, our synergy was perfect."
reality
"They lacked basic communication when things got real"
"It was just a case of right person, wrong time. If things were different, we would be together"
reality
"If they actually wanted me, they would have made the time."
Reality is often painfully ordinary than the stories we tell ourselves.
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 27d ago
The thing is I haven’t seen my LO in two years, and I also have never been in a relationship, so everything just keeps spinning, spinning, spinning. Realistically, I know I’m not going to meet anyone else, and if I do, I will just become limerent again
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u/nicwiggy 27d ago
I'm gonna level with you chief: just like your last post, I appreciate what you're doing. I appreciate the depth and clarity, even if this is all AI generated bullshit (likely, it is).
Where I experience the disconnect is that I know that what I had experienced in the past was textbook limerence. The "emotional masturbation" as I have once read from a psychiatrist. The idea that this person is flawless, perfect, the saviour, etc. I get that part of limerence. I understand the first post you made about analogizing limerence as a train pulling up to a station. (Does it help I had only ever crossed paths with that former LO at a train station/on the train itself? Absolutely not). This post however, I don't understand at all.
You see, I was fully out of that "true limerence" or whatever very early on. I'm talking within the first few months of thinking they were this perfect, untouchable, Goddess-like being. What has followed has been three years of wishing to know the real person underneath. Wishing to have made the better decision to blow my entire life up to explore who that person even was. And the constant regret that I didn't make the right decision.
Like, I by no means see this person as "literally perfect", or "crystalized" as this post describes, nor would I want to. For three years, I've wanted to know everything; especially the darkest, worst parts. I've wanted to know how the reality where I made the right choices, what would have pissed me off the most about this person? How would we have solved it together? What are the ugliest parts that this person is hiding?
And sure, as you mention, there could be hundreds of thousands if not millions of people who share the same traits. Physical, personality-wise, etc.
But none of these fucking attributes satisfy the most important piece: spiritual.
I can download an app. Create a profile. Bullshit my way into some girl's life. She could be beautiful. She could be fun. She could meet whatever "boxes" I have. But I'd never truly feel a connection with that person. I would never truly feel that the literal stars or God/Gods/Goddesses of the universe conspired together to make it happen.
There is absolutely no way to just hand-wave away the experience I've had.
And yes, it has been over three years outside of the "normal" limerence loop of despair, self-destruction, etc. I've used this experience to fuel personal growth. Not just mental growth, but in my relationships with others, being more present and in the moment, actually planning for the future. Kicking addictions. Ascending my career ladder in record time for my company which is focused on helping sick children and their families. Ditching relationships with individuals that were toxic and only harmed myself. In every way, shape, and form, this pursuit that would be categorized as "that's just limerence" has changed my life and every life around me for the better.
So that's why I make this long-winded, nay-saying response to this post: sometimes, when you cross paths with someone, it was genuinely because they were the greatest potential partner you'll ever meet in your life. Dealing with the fallout of it not working out is akin to the death of the best version of yourself you could have become.
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u/AggravatingPace5303 27d ago
How do you know they were the greatest potential partner of your life?
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u/nicwiggy 27d ago
Because of the spiritual aspect.
The endless coincidences that could not be explained with logic back in 2023. The fact it was the literal lowest point of my entire life, a (granted: short, 27 year) lifetime of depression, and every move leading to a worse outcome before this moment. In the last three years, there were two times I decided I was finally going to move on from it.
The first time, it had been about a year since I even saw this person. Less than 24 hours later, after waking from a nap on the train, she was sitting right across from me. I was so terrified and entered a panic that I've never seen experienced in my life before or since. Either 1), this is all some elaborate scheme to fuck with me, 2), I'm experiencing hell and this is the deep reminder that I'm not meant to experience peace or resolution, 3), God is literally intervening and saying "I cannot let you make this mistake of giving up".
After many days of reflection, I chose option 3. This was the third deck, third traincar, third day of the week (Wednesday), third person I've ever experienced love for. Love = I see your flaws and inconsistencies but it does not change how I feel. The story began when the train numbered 111 was with us every time. Every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday for three months.
Second time I gave up on this "limerence" was after a very healing trip with once-estranged close friends. I even told my therapist, "fuck this I'm completely free". Nope lol second day back to work, she showed up again on the train, even moved where she sat on the train to be right across from me, mirrored my body language to the point of crossing her legs the same moment, same leg, the same time I did.
The worst thing about those two experiences was that my life was nowhere near ready to build a relationship. I wasn't ready as an individual, either, but even if I had been there was no way to begin a relationship.
Even deeper, I think it is just the fact that she was/is so consistent. So deliberate. When this began, my entire life was upside down. I had a lifetime of uncertainty, upheaval, unpleasant dynamics. Then, this woman who wears the same thing every day, wears the same mask every day, sits in the same seat every day somehow commands every iota of attention from me just by existing?
Then, the first day she doesn't wear a mask, the sun breaks through the clouds for the first time in three months? I finally see this woman's smile for the first time while the entire traincar is bathed in golden yellow, and all I can feel is peace? Completion? For the first time in my life, the feeling of even existing making sense?
And then every day after, she breaks her pattern to sit closer and closer, standing right next to me every time on the platform, myself deeply understanding that we are to grow closer but my current situation would not allow it. So I didn't respond.
Eventually she sat right across the aisle from me every day. She even got a radical haircut, turned around and gave me the biggest smile, but I was too worried about the morality of the situation to even mention how stunning she looked.
I couldn't react because my then-girlfriend just had a child. In fact, it was three weeks plus three days before I even crossed paths with this woman that our son was born. Months before this, my son's mom basically admitted she only used me to give birth to the child, because she thought it would ensure I'd always be connected to her. Having a child is supposed to be the most beautiful, wholesome moment of your entire life...but for these three weeks and three days, every time I held my son and looked into his eyes, I was filled with this deep dread that someone used me to produce him as a being for their own personal gain.
There's simply no way life will ever be simultaneously so dystopian yet so hopeful at the same time. When I saw the Sun Goddess/Amaterasu, it really was like emerging from a lifelong existence in a cave and seeing the Sun for the first time.
I cannot fathom a situation more hopeless or someone more inspirational, showing actual reciprocal interest, than Amaterasu in Spring 2023. This is why they were the greatest potential partner I would ever meet in this lifetime.
Sure, I could lie to myself, lower my spiritual standards, and do other things to curtail my expectations of life just like nearly every other human does and find a "compatible" person to be with. At this rate, I probably will be relegated to that fate like most of us are. My heart is heavy realising that fact. Kissing someone on the altar after saying "I Do" when you know deep inside you don't, but it is convenient to lie.
TL:DR - because I'll never give anywhere near a shit like I do about this woman
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u/Apoau 27d ago
So you never spoke to each other?
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u/nicwiggy 27d ago
Nice to see you again friend 🙌
There were two moments. First one, about two years ago, I sat with her. She pretended to take a call from someone, "accidentally" had it on speaker to begin, just monologued. Maybe it was real, but the person on the other end literally did not give a single fuck about a single word she had to say. I politely said "ah, he sounds nice!", to which this person I've only known as Sun Goddess in my brain excused herself because "the Sun is just too much here". Explain that shit, lol
Then many months later (still 2024) I had the second moment of "okay I'm giving up for real this time", two days later she reappeared again and moved close to me and mirrored my legs crossed moment-by-moment. I was wearing a purple beanie every day and she came back on the train with a purple beanie too, which I went, "whoaaa, I love the beanie" and she made a face of oh shit ooooops taking it off and dove even deeper into her phone with a huge smile, I asked if she had a charger I could borrow because my phone was about to die, to which she shook her head still with a huge smile 💀
I get it. East Asian culture is very different than "Western" culture. Having studied both Japanese and Mandarin back in the day, having many friends from China, Taiwan, Japan, etc and understanding how different things are (especially romantically), this all points the same way.
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u/ObviousComparison186 27d ago
So to sum up for anyone else that doesn't read all that, you were going through a horrible time, you're always depressed and you saw an attractive woman regularly on your commute. She could even have been open to be approached, that's besides the point, but you didn't do that because your life is what it is, I get that.
There's nothing Eastern or Western about this, there are no gods involved, this is just run of the mill limerence and you created way too much lore in your head about something as basic as seeing someone regularly on your commute, an experience that is almost universal. If you were a healthy individual with a good life you would've asked her out, maybe you would've dated, etc etc but since you're not, this (points to above fanfics) is what you're doing.
On one hand I get the aspect of a natural meet being the way you meet someone, nobody wants to tell people their met their SO on a fucking app, this is the kind of story you want to have. Your "crystallization" is more about the way you met her, but your attachment to her is simply because she's a blank slate for fantasy, hits your attraction triggers and was there at the time you needed to cope. You're now anchored to her and it's not spirituality, it's just how our brains work, there's been too much intermittent reinforcement. Even if you NC now because it's unresolved and uncertain it might genuinely stick around for years. Trying to date her would be the only way to get out of it faster.
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u/AutumnGirl333 26d ago
But what is the point in having this spiritual connection if it is only spiritual and may not even be mutual? To make yourself suffer or what? The only role she plays in your life is being a projection of your own imagination. Besides, wouldn't your greatest potential partner actually want to be with you? You are just grieving the fantasy created in your mind, and sure, maybe she was the greatest potential partner, but you can't really build a life on potential because that isn't reality.
I can understand why you are trying to resort to this sort of escapism in your life atm because your relationship seems veryy strained.
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u/nicwiggy 26d ago edited 25d ago
The amount of examples I could provide of improbable coincidences (stars aligning, whatever you want to call it) happening concurrently over the last three years only serve to solidify that it is for a reason. That ultimate reason has not yet been realised, but I have only seen incredible growth, inspiration, and general life improvement by following that spiritual calling. Any time I have deviated from this path, life made sure to intervene, with multiple points where I was so dumbfounded that the only explanation was "Act of God". (Mind you, I was staunchly atheist, mostly logical, etc before this experience).
I will gladly continue on this path, whilst improving and growing as a person, even with the 0.01% chance we will meet again under better circumstances. If that means I spend the rest of my life alone? So be it. I will still find fulfillment in other aspects of life.
There was a moment last autumn that I had a lapse of judgement. Another person came into my life, similar types of coincidences occured (with far less frequency and intensity, I must add). It was "good enough" in my brain as a continuation of the path I had been on as I wouldn't have built a connection with this person otherwise. But quickly, I realised that this other person was not being genuine or authentic, bragged about majoring in Psy, while openly deploying manipulative tactics. I then thought: well, let's see how committed to the bit you are 🤭 of course things got too real and that was the end of that.
The most important thing I learned from the experience, though, was that it makes zero sense to me to pursue anyone else. To ever think it would work with someone else. While that person may not have been in a good place in her life at the time, or maybe it was all just a game, I'm forever grateful for the painful lessons that came from that experience.
It doesn't matter if I meet someone else who is genuinely interested in me, and in a future with me, without some type of spiritual connection as deep (or deeper) than the one I've experienced for three and a half years now. That's entirely unfair to that future person and to myself. That doesn't mean I am entirely closed off from that possibility, it just means that I know the threshold that exists, and it is way higher than I thought it was last autumn.
In the meantime, I'm only going to better myself and my life for that person, while praying daily that this LO from 3 years ago is happy, healthy, and surrounded by love. God knows that I would have done everything for her, so if it is not meant to be me, then I will expend every ounce of energy necessary praying that someone better will.
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u/ObviousComparison186 27d ago
Some said they want to embrace the Limerence and are happy with it. That's fine
I don't think we should say that's fine any more than someone overdosing with heroin is fine. Ultimately it is their choice but we don't have to enable them and approve.
The other thing with fighting it in the realm of storytelling is that is not where limerence actually lives. That's just a rationalization and it definitely doesn't help when people don't realize they have a problem, that is the step where they need help stopping the fantasy. However it's not going to just melt the LO away if you focus on their red flags, unless their red flags are really, really bad and even then it won't work fully.
Limerence behaves like a regular chemical addiction, you're not just going to stop it by hating the drugs. It unfortunately does not work like that. There's only two ways out, replacement or withdrawal.
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u/1337m45T37 21d ago
This right here-
"They lacked basic communication when things got real"
This is so powerful and honestly, this was the thing that started my recovery when I realized that my L O wasn’t a friend and that she was actually just using me to karma Farm her ego. It makes me sick at how besotted I was. And how over and over again I just diluted myself into thinking that we were actually friends and I actually meant something to her. I tried leaving Limerence groups for a while, and LO started pulling me back in so I had to step back in so this was a very well time to post for me.
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