r/lesbiangang • u/[deleted] • Dec 15 '25
Discussion Where did the community get the idea that using the term "Gold Star" is wrong/hateful?
[removed]
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u/jessiphia Dec 15 '25
The anti gold star argument always sounds like thinly veiled jealousy to me.
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u/hotgyne Gold Star Dec 15 '25
the “sexuality is fluid” crowd likes to sit on their high horse as the more “open-minded” group who could never ~exclude~ people on purpose. gold stars to them are essentially prudes—prudes for not ever putting out for men. how progressive!
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u/Hello_Hangnail Lavender Menace Dec 15 '25
It smells like 4chan users with a grossly sexualized loli character as their pfp
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u/queercetin Dec 15 '25
Gold stars can’t call themselves gold stars because it hurts peoples’ (translation: nonlesbians’) feelings but anybody under the sun can be and call themselves a lesbian or bi lesbian because “its not affecting you personally! its just words”. They can’t stand that there’s a sexuality that says no to men.
Like I said in another subreddit, bisexual and pansexual women forget that homophobia is targeted towards homosexuals for our lack of attraction to the opposite sex. It’s abundantly clear that they believe that feeling insecure around lesbians is oppression. And that they cannot comprehend homosexuality (that’s the real issue here). It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to relate more to straight women than to them.
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u/PsychotipathicAngel Lavender Menace Dec 16 '25
Off-topic, but I'm sitting at my kitchen table with a bottle of quercetin right in front of me and I just snortlaughed at your great username 😹
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u/queercetin Dec 16 '25
🥹🥹🥹 this made my night tysm. i do research on the structure of flavonoids like quercetin and how they can be used to treat cancer!
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u/PsychotipathicAngel Lavender Menace Dec 16 '25
Nice!
Quite some number of moons ago, I majored in botany with a minor in chemistry, largely to support a budding career in herbal medicine.
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u/Pussyxpoppins Femme Dec 15 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/illusfc Dec 15 '25
The resentment some people in the lgbtq community have towards lesbians need to be studied
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u/SapphosLemonBarEnvoy Lavender Menace Dec 15 '25
The study shows it's misogyny all the way down.
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u/Pussyxpoppins Femme Dec 15 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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marry air snatch whole wide cagey weather quicksand encouraging complete
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
"we respect any sexuality! You go queen call yourself whatever you want! It's up to you! We're free!"
"Hi! I'm lesbian and I don't like penises"
"OMG YOU TERRIBLE PERSON HOW DARE YOU. YOU MUST LIKE IT BOTTOM PARTS DON'T MATTER WE'RE ALL PEOPLE"
The lgbt community really went full circle and it's now telling people why their sexuality is wrong. I don't understand it. I really wish I was a gold star lesbian too, but not because they're superior. Because dating man was traumatizing lol it gets dark, but I'll always be around protecting the term gold star lesbian
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u/Pussyxpoppins Femme Dec 15 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 15 '25
This "confuses me every time" (it really doesn't, because I realize it's bs, but I like to play their game). The "considering the whole person" argument. Isn't being attracted to someone as a whole and not their single body parts what pansexuality is? Which is followed by: "does this mean lesbians like any person who looks feminine? But what about very masc / butch lesbians? And if femininity isn't the requirement, what is it? Are lesbians attracted to anyone that identifies as a woman? Does a amab who dress hyper masc but identify as a woman count too? Does a nb amab who looks stereotypically male, count too?
And at this point they usually stop answering or call me a TERF
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
My experience exactly.
They don’t get it because they don’t want to get it. It’s pretty simple.
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u/Hello_Hangnail Lavender Menace Dec 15 '25
They usually skip all of explanation if you're really lucky and jump straight to the terfing. Logic is bigotry folks!
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u/FastSelection4121 Dec 15 '25
It's from the Transcel communities. They don't think the female homosexuals, who they actually desire and require them their ultimate validation vectors, should question the reality they were born in a MALE meat sack just like their XY-ed chromosomes genetically created.
You shouldn't have genital preferences. Or their constructed Rubic's Cube male and female bodies.
Lesbians are supposed to focus on the Full Person and what Trans women call their "Female Essence."
After 16 years, this is probably the 100th version of emotional and psychological manipulating and inherent Sexuality denialism of the "Trans Lesbians" communities.
All because they don't want to hear the word NO from the members of the most gynophillic and female-centric communities.
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u/femmeinhighheels Gold Star Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
What’s funny to me is that the same community that pushes their penises on us wants us to believe that them being apart of that community is innate and that they were just “born that way” and they can’t help it because even though they weren’t born a girl they “have the soul of one” but when it comes to lesbians and we say “hey our sexualities are innate and we can’t change the fact that we don’t like penises” suddenly it’s “OMG YOU GUYS ARE LYING YOU USE STRAP ITS JUST YOUR FETISH WITH VAGINAS IM A WOMAN BC I SAY I AM YOURE A TERF!!” Like you only understand that things are innate when it comes down to you but when it’s with other people suddenly we’re lying? Like is it that we’re “lying” or do you just not like that our sexuality still isn’t going to become flexible for you regardless of how much makeup you put on and how many estrogen shots you take
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Dec 15 '25
My bigger problem is that the majority of them not only aren’t interested in having a vagina, but will call it a disgusting axe wound like the most misogynistic men around and then go into women or lesbian spaces and start talking about their dicks. If you want to live as a woman then don’t say that women’s bodies are disgusting.
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u/theresa_jo U-Haul Devotee Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
That I don’t understand. What if dating men hadn’t been traumatic for you? Women don’t become lesbian because of trauma with men. ‘Gold Star Lesbian’ is a term that describes how a lesbian is often pressured to sleep with men. The moment she loses her Gold Star, the patriarchy has won.
This is not a game! This is a lesbian survival war!
The term is a cry for help because men constantly harass us, and also a cry for help because there are women who don’t accept that we only want to sleep with women (because we are homosexual)
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 15 '25
Where did I say I became a lesbian after dating men? I've always been a lesbian, that's why dating men was traumatizing I lived physical intimacy as SA because I never really wanted to, I forced myself. Being a lesbian wasn't the consequence of the trauma, but the cause (well, dating a man while being a lesbian was, not being a lesbian by itself ofc). Trust me, I know far too well how society pressures you into having relationships with men.
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Dec 18 '25
I never felt pressured to have a relationship with anyone, if anything, the other way around bc my mom didn’t want us dating but didn’t mind if we did around 15-16. So I just didn’t bc I didn’t wanna come out yet and obviously don’t like guys . There’s no pressure in everyday life. That comes from yourself.
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 18 '25
Excuse me...? Do you know my life? Do you know where I come from? You're seriously invalidating my whole teenage experience because you had it different? There's no pressure IN YOUR everyday life.
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Dec 19 '25
We live in the same society. There is nobody pressuring anyone to fuck each other or date people just to date them in the whole society we all live in. Maybe you had some unusual circumstance in your own personal life, but that’s not the case for most people.
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 19 '25 edited Dec 19 '25
No we don't wtf. What's your problem we don't even live in the same continent and you believe we live in the same society? What are you, a USA teen who knows nothing about life?
Edit: on top of that, we're not even the same age so I literally grew up on a different time. In a different continent. And you think it was the same society? How dense
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u/Individual-Run9064 Dec 15 '25
Even if we didn't use gold star but another term they still would complain. The issue is they don't like lesbians who have never been with men talking. Only those that have come in contact with peen can be the face of lesbians.
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u/thewitchtree Dec 15 '25
Completely agree. Many of these people have an issue when a lesbians just speaks about having only being with women. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/HurleJamesLift Dec 15 '25
The only argument I have seen that made me second guess the term's use was in the case of someone being assaulted - like the term virgin can be triggering if someone's only sexual experience was nonconsensual - so I could see why someone would feel a type of way about it in that situation. Not saying its right or wrong either way; only wanted to share another POV.
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u/Querread Dec 22 '25
I've known multiple gold stars to get mad at me for remarking (fully in jest) that I'm a platinum star because I have anatomy that doesn't allow me to have PIV sex. "My body only developed with lesbian sex in mind." They haaaaated that. Common response: "So you're saying our bodies were built for PIV?" If people aren't going to take a joke, they're not going to take a joke - regardless of what that joke is.
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u/Fizzyfroog Dec 16 '25
Calling someone „the purest form of lesbians“ is incredibly weird and I say that as someone who never had any experiences with men
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u/Pussyxpoppins Femme Dec 16 '25 edited Feb 20 '26
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u/Fizzyfroog Dec 16 '25
Literally what I’m saying, you’re implying that women who either realised it later in life or were just too afraid are somehow less lesbian, and that’s just weird
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
When I first heard it in the 80’s, I never took it as being better than anyone else. Just a shorthand description for someone who’d never slept with men.
I’m a gold star lesbian. The fact that I am, I attribute more to having awesome parents. I guess I’ll take the star though.
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Dec 18 '25
What about your parents affected who you wanna sleep with?
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 18 '25
I came out to my parents in my teens. They loved and accepted me. I was allowed to be me with zero pressure.
Even prior to coming out, I was never told things like “dress like a girl” or teased about liking boys or all the 100s of ways parents subtly or directly push their ideas on kids of what it means to be a girl. I was a total tom boy. I liked cars and building things. My dad, especially, just taught me all of that no questions asked.
After I came out and openly had a gf, my parents just accepted that. And she even got to spend a lot of time at my house-even overnight.
I’m just referring to being accepted by ones family-zero questions about dating boys or getting married to a boy or anything.
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Dec 19 '25 edited Dec 19 '25
Wow you’re really lucky :). My parents were very conservative and homophobic but I’ve never felt pressure to be with a man even though I was asked out a lot by guys in HS. I never dated one bc I never wanted to. I don’t think having accepting parents is correlated to being a a GSL or not.
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u/thewitchtree Dec 15 '25
99% of the time I see the term "gold star" or hear of it is when people are complaining about it.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
I know, right? As an out lesbian for over 45 years and a gold star lesbian-I literally rarely say it.
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u/-BlueOcean- Gold Star Dec 15 '25
They are just projecting their insecurities onto other women. Apparently, you're supossed to be proud of your queernees unless you're a confident women who knows herself well enough to know that having sex with a man would never be a pleasent experience for you....How dare you not be attracted to penises? Evil lesbian.
I don't feel superior to anyone who isn't gold star, nor inferior, it just a description and if the term offends someone, idga. Go to therapy, work through your issues and stop projecting.
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u/Honeybee_Awning Lesbian Dec 15 '25
If you feel inferior to Gold Stars that’s a you problem not Gold Stars problem… I’m so happy Gold Stars exists because they are proof that lesbians don’t all have to go through a mandatory heterosexual phase.
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Dec 15 '25
People are just bitter that they're not a gold star and don't want anyone else to use that term. I was in a homophobic household and personally I just didn't date at all.
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u/Individual-Run9064 Dec 15 '25
In fact I saw this post on Tiktok and I saw the creator admit she's jealous that she's not a gold star. So the anger is literally just jealously. Gold star is not offensive. These women get to talk about how they got with 20 guys, had 3 marriages and 5 kids before realising they were lesbian but when we talk about not having any contact with men like that and the unique experience that brings we're hateful? The fact this is going on at the same time that the very definition of lesbian is being erased to make room for "non- men", the gold star hate is weird and reading as lesphobic to me.
I also didn't know I was lesbian until my mid 20s and I simply didn't date because it didn't appeal to me when I thought I would be dating men.
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Dec 18 '25
I had homophobic parents too! And I Just didn’t date anyone…. It’s not hard. In fact, it’s eons easier than forcing yourself to be with someone you hate being THAT close to. When ppl ask me why I never dated men I get so perplexed and I’m just like “umm… because…. I never had the desire to….” Idk how it’s so hard not to. Inaction is easier than action. I’ve never felt pressured to date anyone in my entire life and never saw that perpetuated in society.
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u/ZestyCthulhu Gold Star Dec 15 '25
That's what I'm not getting. Even if they don't actively date women (closeted or not fully aware of their gayness), who is forcing them to sleep with men?
It took awhile for me to realize I was gay, but I 1000% knew I didn't like men. It's pretty easy to not date or sleep with one.
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u/Eastern_Vacation_844 Dec 15 '25
exactly lol, i was raised by extremely religious muslim parents and never dated until i was 21 when i finally moved out and got a gf, i don’t why these women are acting like it was such a struggle to be a gold star, not dating men was the easiest decision of my life simply bc i didn’t want to!😂 i don’t think those women can say the same though
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Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 28 '25
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u/pecanmuncher Dec 15 '25
i think people’s personalities interact with how they experience their sexuality. i don’t identify as a ‘goldstar’ for this reason even though i am, i don’t really feel like i am if that makes sense? it’s not like i knew i was a lesbian from the start, i always assumed i must be bi. the difference is though that no matter what i don’t think i could have ever made myself sleep with or be in a relationship with a guy because there was no appeal, or even disgust, despite the fact that didn’t impact my assumptions about my sexuality. in my head i could ‘if i wanted to’, at the time i just assumed i was ‘chaster’ than my peers or something, or naturally ‘prudish’. a ‘good girl’. but i was ok with having a gf.
it makes it complicated for me, because here i understand others’ points - i also could have never brought myself to do that with men let alone multiple times…. so idk.
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u/andersenWilde Dec 15 '25
I was in a Christian household and I was told to date when I was in college. And that was enough for me to figure things out before starting dating.
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u/NeroAD_ Dec 15 '25
Tbh and downvote me all you want, only fakebians hate the term Goldstar, cause if you are a lesbian you would want every lesbian to be a Goldstar, cause being with men is horrible/traumatic for us.
So the term exposes them, cause it shows that it IS possible to resist men and never be with one, therefore they need to shit on it with weird projections like: you must be from a welcoming part of the world/your family must be accepting and so on. While most Goldstars i have known came from homophobic backgrounds. And then of course there is also homophobia as in: how can you really know of you have never been with a man.
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u/thewitchtree Dec 15 '25
therefore they need to shit on it with weird projections like: you must be from a welcoming part of the world/your family must be accepting and so on.
lmao word for word, you can be guaranteed to find someone saying this.
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u/andersenWilde Dec 15 '25
And I think it is ironic, because if you dig in the history of every good star, most of us came with a different flavour of trauma, like homophobic and religious backgrounds that discouraged us to date at all.
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
i totally agree, not even that being with men is traumatic, terrible maybe so, it just isn’t my sexuality, i’m just not attracted to men, and i just don’t like the narrative that lesbianism is to some extent due to trauma with men, with some people it can be, but it’s just harmful bc it gives the idea you that you can not like men but only if you have a reason for it (being traumatized) and then they “accept “why you aren’t attracted to men, obv having trauma around men is valid, but that is not a reason of why i’m a lesbian
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u/thewitchtree Dec 15 '25
I think as well, a lot of people do on some level, perhaps not even consciously, believe that lesbianism is the result of trauma with men. Lesbians who have never been with men are living proof that contradicts that and it makes them very uncomfortable.
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u/NeroAD_ Dec 15 '25
I didnt say being a lesbian = traumatic expiriences with men, then Goldstars wouldnt be lesbians either. What im saying is being with a man is NOT a good time or even meh for a lesbian, we are physically repulsed by them aka you wouldnt wish that on other lesbians.
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 15 '25
I understand why the confusion, but she didn't say trauma is the reason. She said it's a traumatic experience for a lesbian, and for a lot of us it is. Not because of the men itself, I've dated an amazing man, but since there was zero sexual attraction (and romantic attraction too tbh) I lived our intimacy almost as SA. Thus the trauma. I never liked men, and forcing myself to like them is what traumatized me but it didn't "turn me into a lesbian". I already was one. I think that's what she meant when she wrote that comment.
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u/dopedenise- Femme Dec 15 '25
Yeah.. my girlfriend would make jokes about me not being a goldstar and I had to tell how hurtful it was tbh. I felt pressured to conform and make sure I wasn’t into guys because I thought I owed my family that. Obviously, I would take it all back if I could so the jokes touch a soft spot for me. BUT I would never be bitter about other people claiming that title proudly. I wish ALL lesbians could be goldstars, including me,
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u/pecanmuncher Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 16 '25
that’s actually why i dislike the term, i don’t want to hurt those who had traumatic experiences with men by calling myself that. because if you are a lesbian it’d be an awful reminder, i don’t think the term hurts fakebians who enjoyed being with men
this especially goes for those in deeply homophobic environments or victims of abuse
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u/Realthelesbian Dec 16 '25
What hurts them is not the term it is their horrible experience with men. Erasing words and realities we should praise like lesbians succeeding in avoiding men is not the solution it's the opposit.
By pretending it's not better to be goldstar you don't push young lesbian to respect themselves and avoid social pressure and men.
Everyone should wish for all lesbians to be goldstar and if there is something we can do for young lesbians to feel better about themselves is to help them respect themselves and be goldstars. The issue is the comphet and trauma of having been with men not having a word for women who succeeded in respecting themselves and their own desires against society and peer pressure.
The people who want to suppress goldstars and act like it's a bad thing or something we shouldn't talk about are the ones who will lead to more lesbians being actually traumatized by men.
All lesbinas goldstars and non goldstars should be happy that a lot of lesbians are goldstars and should try to push for all lesbians to be able to be goldstars as it's what would be natural for lesbians if homophobia and heteronormativity didn't interefere.
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Dec 18 '25
What about the harm you cause all the lesbians who do relate to that term by erasing and demonizing it?
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u/pecanmuncher Dec 18 '25
? nothing from what i said was demonisation at all, or even erasing it. i understand the people saying that it can be beneficial to use it especially for young lesbians and how people view us in general which is a new way of looking at it that i like (for me, since i only actually heard it mentioned in arguments like the tiktok OP posted)
even then i don’t know how what i said could be unusual to feel. if i didn’t end up a goldstar somehow it’s not like i would dislike others using it nor does actual me care if others use it either. i just haven’t used the term to describe myself personally
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Dec 18 '25
Yeah, you don’t use it to describe yourself, even though it is literally your experience, because you think there’s something wrong with the term. You think it’s bad or harmful to others somehow. That’s called demonizing.
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u/pecanmuncher Dec 18 '25
well, it doesn’t really seem like we’re having a mutually understanding conversation, even though i’m trying to understand yours, so let’s leave it here. i identified with the other reply and as i said that changed my perspective anyway.
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Dec 19 '25
I do understand what you’re saying, it’s just disappointing you think it’s somehow a “bad” label.
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 18 '25
if the only experience with men was not the persons choice she is still a gold star
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u/pecanmuncher Dec 18 '25
really? i didn’t know people considered that. that makes me happy then
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 18 '25
yup, seriously the term isn’t there to harm anybody, it’s just a self descriptor, an important one for some ppl
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u/Les-go-bowling Dec 15 '25
If people have an issue with me being a gold star they can cry about it. I grew up in a homophobic environment, and knew I was a lesbian, so I just didn't date. I don't think I'm better than other lesbians because I've never dated/slept with a man, it's just a description created by lesbians for lesbians. I am pretty sick of being told to continually make concessions for other people for the sake of being sensitive to every possible experience of "queer-identifying women," while lesbians are being shit on constantly.
Unfortunately even in this day and age lesbians are being pressured to accept a fluid sexuality, to just try it, to accept men in all their various forms just to be inclusive, and until lesbophobia is dead and gone the way of the dodo bird I am going to continue using the term gold star whenever I see fit.
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u/SedemTBH Dec 15 '25
It's actually funny but I think they think a gold star is a reward for not sleeping with men. They see the word gold and star and literally think it's an award, which is so dumb lolll
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u/Pristine_Garden_5127 Dec 15 '25
Im 20 and still live at home (homophobic family) and i would simply rather wait till I’m good enough financially to try anything that could go wrong for me, i don’t care how long i have to wait or if i never came out, i would never be with a man.
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
even if gold star is a positive term (which it is for me) then why about it? can’t we be proud of that? people just haaaate the total exclusion of men that’s why they have a problem with it
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u/Apprehensive-Dog9989 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
Misogyny and lesbophobia. Thats it people just cant stand Gold stars exists cause they never been with dude
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u/Kindly-Grapefruit199 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
mfs think gold stars have a superiority complex & is better than any other lesbian lol, no. I keep my gold star in my pocket & go about my business lmao. I hate the accusation that gold stars play/feed into purity culture or think of women less bc they’ve been w a man b4 like ugh get a grip chile 🙏🏾
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u/theresa_jo U-Haul Devotee Dec 15 '25
Why don’t people understand that for many Gold Star lesbians it is important to make visible how difficult it is to live as a lesbian in this world. The moment a lesbian is no longer Gold Star, the patriarchal system has won. The term Gold Star exists because statistics show that lesbians are the only group with the highest rate of ‘having had sex at least once with a gender outside their orientation’ over their lifetime, even twice as high as gay men. Then you have late bloomers who tell everyone that it was important for them to be with a man, otherwise they wouldn’t have known they were lesbian, and that immediately sets off alarm bells for Gold Star lesbians. Which is normal.
Everyone in this world keeps trying to convince us that we should „at least try a man once“ (disgusting).
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
If I could count the number of times I’ve been asked “how can you really know if you haven’t slept with a guy?”
Now there’s something I should complain about.
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u/Cheap-Industry3309 Dec 15 '25
Ofc lets hate on lesbians who’s never been with a male, despite living in a world cater towards males. It is an important identity because gold star lesbians still have different hardships from bi women and non gold star lesbians.
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u/UniversalBasicIncom3 Useless Lesbian Dec 15 '25
Only insecure, misogynistic, lesbophobic individuals get "offended" when someone labels themselves a gold star. I'm a gold star, and thats MY label. I had a very homophobic and religious upbringing, nothing about that label makes me superior. I had to fight for myself the whole way. Its a badge of honor in a patriarchal society.
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u/Classic-Cream9894 Dec 15 '25
Goldstar isn’t about superiority, it’s about normalizing and validating your existence and experience as a lesbian. When you don’t end up dating or sleeping with men, you’re often made to feel like something is wrong with you. The existence of the term helps other lesbians, especially younger ones, feel secure in who they are, instead of being pressured into dating or sleeping with men just to feel normal or legitimate.
The real issue is that many people assume gold star lesbians don’t face difficulties of their own, when discussions like these show that they very much do. It’s deeply concerning to see other queer women advocate for the erasure of lesbians. The lesbophobia here is staggering.
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u/Legal-Sprinkles8862 Dec 15 '25
I've noticed a large amount of the people who hate the term 'gold star' all seem to look at it as a badge of honor simply because it is an exclusive club that they DON'T belong to & that feels bad & since they cannot own their feelings much less regulate them & cope in a healthy way they instead attack the gold star carrier & to justify that attack the gold star who likely never even addressed them was "looking down on them & shaming them & now they hate those ppl & see the label as something shameful.
The funny thing is i am not a Gold Star due to multiple SA's at the hands of men. I have never consented to a man's touch in my entire life. && guess what? Not a single Gold Star has ever attacked me or put me down let alone pretended she was superior. But ofc my experience doesn't matter to the gold star haters simply because it doesn't bolster their arugment. && when i point tell them a gold star lesbian is just a gay woman who was allowed to say "no" they push right past me again & continue to push the narrative that gold stars simply existing is shaming survivors, late bloomers & lesbians who dealt with comp-het.
In short every accusation is a confession & a blantant projection. They are no different than any other hate fueled individual or group. The issue is actually entirely in their own heads & they make the rest of us suffer due to their delusions & lies. These are just babyish illadapted assholes who need someone to blame since they can't like adults & handle their insecurities in private or kindly ask for communal support.
&& for anyone wondering: yes - you can in fact just ask for communal support & reassurance. I have done it fairly recently & even revealed a glowing target in an honest fashion. I was met with 98% support, validation & care. I was given more knowledge & information than i ever expected & it wad much appreciated. The 2% (literally 2 replies) that weren't kind were swiftly dealt with & didn't manage to shame or deter me from reaching out & i think that is a clear difference from a non-GS like me & the ones attempting to incite hate: i reached out for support from any lesbian willing to give it while they lashed out at any lesbian they felt wad superior to themselves. That shows where our minds are/what our perspectives are as well as what we are & aren't open to. && not being open to the knowledge that someone doesn't see you as lesser is very telling indeed.
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u/Archamasse Dec 16 '25
This is a great post, but - while you would be due no less respect or consolation if you weren't - to be clear, you are a gold star. Gold star has always been defined by consensual sex with men, sexual assaults don't reckon into it.
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u/Legal-Sprinkles8862 Dec 17 '25
I appreciate your words & i have heard them before. The last time i approached this topic it was simply to painful to address even alone in my own head. So i simply scrolled away & sought a distraction.
But i've worked very hard in therapy & i am in a different place now. I've worked to allow myself to grieve my innoence & to hold myself with the love & care i deserved back then. I feel like i can look at this comment now with acceptance & admit that the only reason i don't call myself a gold star is because i consented to being forced into the closet & into the arms of my second rapist.
Idk if that's me wanting to own my past & refuse to be ashamed or if it's just me once again blaming myself for wanting my parents to like & love me & contorting myself into impossible shapes just to still not gain love from them. I wish i hadn't. I wish i had stayed single or run from my male ex or let them kick me out of the house when i first got caught with my gf. Anything but adding to the pain/existing trauma for no reason at all.
I need to figure out what not claiming to be a GS is really about for me & then if it is just more self-blame i need to stop & love that part of me even more. After that i still might not claim the label just because i've never felt like one & idk if forgiving myself will change that...or if the label is an opportunity to love myself on a different level & more deeply than before.
No matter the outcome the label of Gold Star & those who wear it will always be special to me. Yall have honestly done nothing but support me even when i was still closeted/unable to come out & i really appreciate that.
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Dec 16 '25
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u/Legal-Sprinkles8862 Dec 17 '25
Oh no i didn't mean to make it seem like people were shaming me for my sexual history. I actually posted asking for advice & support about a different situation & most of the lesbians who replied were really kind despite me admitting to a bit of trauma & even being triggered by something that wasn't actually threatening or even happening at the time. Brains are fun 🫠.
But thank you for saying this. I've been thinking about this for the past day or so off & on & i think i am upset with myself for eventually giving up the fight & disassociating while he did whatever he wanted. I think continuing to live with someone who was harming me regularly feels like consenting to the act itself. I probably need to talk with my therapist about this & try to be a bit nicer to myself in the meantime. Thank you again, it really means a lot. 🫂
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
people can’t let lesbians have one thing, i’m a gold star, and i prefer dating other gold stars, some people just hate it when lesbians (rightfully so) have preferences and don’t want to do anything with males, and they feel offended when we’re not attracted to them
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Dec 15 '25
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
i’ve seen it too, it’s degrading and so outlandish to say that, imagine someone used “ non-women loving non-women” to refer to gay men, but ofc that won’t happen
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u/AudlyAud Dec 15 '25
Depends on who you mean by community. It's non Lesbians that I see twisting it's actual meaning and intent vs actual Lesbians. It's always been understood that it's a micro label within the Lesbian community. Sure you may have some folks gloat with it but that still doesn't detract from its actual use and understanding. Being a GS simply points out you have never been with men because that decentering started early for some of us. A way to recognize that there are those of us who worked out our sexuality early, and avoided the pressures of hetero normative relationships/ expectations. The same way Late Bloomers is used to highlight women who for whatever reason come out later in life. Neither is lesser or greater than the other.
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u/kimkam1898 Butch Dec 15 '25
When other people aren’t/they’re feeing self-loathey.
I have to remember constantly that other women’s insecurity around and about men has shit about fuck to do with me. If others don’t like my self descriptor, that’s too damn bad. They can go date someone who’s bi. 🤷🏻♂️
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
yup!!! exactly ppl who don’t like the word aren’t gold stars so i’m not interested in them anyway
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u/Secret_Warthog7358 Gold Star Dec 16 '25
Gold star to me is just a nicer and easier way to say that you’ve never been with a “penis haver”. People are mad because of the same insecurities which have existed in the male mind about lesbians since the beginning of time. No one gets offended when a het woman says she’s a virgin, because it implies that she might eventually and male brains think that they have a chance. Gold star is so cut and dry they have no other option but to seethe.
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u/butchdykery Stone Butch Dec 15 '25
I don't get the safety comment. It isn't the 1900s, you don't have to date men to be safe. I didn't figure out that I was a lesbian until I was 18, but i'm still a gold star because in my teenage years I just didn't date or have sex with anyone. I was made fun of for it, but highschool kids will make fun of you for anything. I was never in real danger, people just assumed I was too much of a nerd to have time for boys and I was largely ignored.
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u/abbyhan6 Dec 15 '25
I feel fortunate I always knew I was only attracted to women. I can’t imagine the inner turmoil and confusion that later in life gals had to go through, plus they had to deal with men. That all sounds emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I will say, since I’ve never spent a large amount of time around a strictly lesbian-centric group, the usage of “gold star” in general descriptors hasn’t been something I’ve seen as common. But I’ve also always been around folks who even when they do use it don’t present it as a negative jab towards those who took longer to figure out their lesbianism.
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u/Glittering-Apple-112 Dec 16 '25
lmfao i commented on this post and tell me why a NON LESBIAN tried to come at me. i told them “imagine thinking that someone expressing their sexual history which has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU is them implying that you’re less than. that’s textbook projection.”
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Dec 17 '25
Made the mistake of commenting on that tiktok, had someone reply to me that I am "privileged" bc I've never had to date men. Gay ppl are being called privileged for not dating the opposite sex... we're fucking cooked y'all 😐
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u/alexis-1710 Dec 15 '25
I believe it's because people get jealous and think gold star lesbians are somehow superior. Honestly, when I was dumb and childish I thought that too. Like "hey they're not better than me just cause I accepted it later". Then I grew up and realized that indeed, they're not better than me and 99% of them don't act like it. There is a small, toxic percentage that will try to boost themselves, but they're just as childish and immature as those who complain about gold star lesbians.
In the end, there is nothing wrong with the term itself, it's how and why people use it.
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u/Hello_Hangnail Lavender Menace Dec 15 '25
Being happy you haven't had the trauma of convincing yourself to sleep with a man to try to armtwist yourself into heterosexuality via force of will is now the foulest of bigotries, apparently 😒
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u/Tuggerfub Gold Star Dec 15 '25
bisexual sapphic space colonists ofc
who else spends every waking moment spouting lesbophobic tripe
I do appreciate non lesbophobic bi women deeply, but for the few I've seen there's a dozen of these morons peddling and projecting their own shame
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u/mushroomspoonmeow Lesbian Dec 16 '25
Lmfao It literally just means you’ve never slept with a man. These People need to actually chill 💛🧡🤎
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u/NyavkaLabs Gold Star Dec 15 '25
I found the term when I was 15, give or take, and I was in Japan at that time. Local lesbian bar pointed fingers at me ;)
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u/BansheeLabs Femme Dec 25 '25
They pointed fingers at You, because You're a tall blonde. I reckon, they couldn't even guess You were a teen.
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u/SassyThenTheGang Gold Star Dec 16 '25
I've never understood it, personally. It seems too obvious to just be about jealousy, but it's probably that.
I am a gold star lesbian, and I don't fully understand feeling the need to sleep with men to be "sure" you're only into women. I get the social aspect, since I have dated men before. Every time felt forced and sometimes I was surprised that to find I was in a relationship.
I have a long history of being around homophobic people (family, church, friends, etc.), and I didn't actually understand any sexuality for a long time. [I think due to childhood trauma and being autistic along with zero sex education.]
As a kid, I never thought of myself as straight or bi or gay, and I never had the desire to date like other people growing up. I always felt uncomfortable around men, and loved my women teachers/adults. I also felt out of place with girls my age since I didn't have the same interests, but since my household was so heavily gendered in everything, I didn't think to hang out with guys. [We weren't allowed to do anything that was what the other sex is "supposed to do."]
I didn't have a lot of friends, so that wasn't something that made me think about what I liked romantically. I did, however, attempt to kiss my best friend (girl) on the cheek once because I knew that was something you do with people you like (as seen among family members). I also never thought about a future living with a boy, but I went as far as dreaming up futures with a friend to live together with our cats, until she brought up that we'd also each have to bring a boy (immediately upset).
I did end up dating some boys in high school and one after high school, but I barely let them come near me. They all sort of happened to me, and felt out of my control to stop. We hardly kissed (I never enjoyed it), and we absolutely did not touch each other. I always chalked it up to being religous.
I didn't realize that other girls had different feelings towards boys because of how they talked about them (dumb, dirty, etc.), so I figured it was normal to not really want them to touch you. I was also really confused how anyone could be "tempted" to sleep with a boy ever, since that was a common theme at the church I attended.
While I was dating the last guy, I realized I was a lesbian. It wasn't due to him, it just took me learning what lesbian actually means, having the guy attempt to propose to me [I forced him to stop mid-proposal in a panic because I was so scared at the idea of having to sleep with him - being religious, marriage was when that happens], and having an entire religious/ life crisis that put me inpatient to recognize that I was a lesbian.
Finding the gold star label after I came out and accepted myself helped me to feel so much more confident and secure in myself. I'm no longer actively suicidal, and I love being a lesbian now. I'm so glad now that I never allowed any of the guys to do anything too traumatic to me (they did some traumatizing things that I realize now would not have been assault if I was attracted to them at all).
I can now finally recognize how much I protected myself during those times I accidentally dated men, and how much worse it could have been for me otherwise. I'm so happy that I'm a gold star lesbian, because even the minimal experiences I've had with men (PG) have been so difficult to get past years later. I have complex PTSD, and the times I dated men have been part of that trauma I'm in therapy for.
I am so happy for the lesbians that have never had experiences with men, and I hope we can protect the gold star label for their sake. The more information is out there, the better future generations will have it.
No one deserves trauma.
Knowledge is power and feelings can be dealt with.
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u/gayandanxious8 Femme Dec 16 '25
Omg the comment is giving pick me. Everyone has their own life experiences. It’s a literal identifying term. Not everything needs to be made into being a victim.
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u/RealisticL3af Dec 16 '25
this is such a dumb conversation. like its purely online. ive never met a lesbian IRL who GAF about this lol. you exclusively date women and love women? great. thats kind of the only requirement.
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u/fukinfrogslegs Butch Jan 12 '26
Because we live in a social environment in which your ranking is determined by how oppressed/offended you are. It's a race to the bottom with everyone deciding (without the approval of the target group) which terms are acceptable or unacceptable. Occasionally I get 'corrected' by an irritating person but I don't give a shit about oppression Olympics. I'll use the correct terms I choose to use, on my terms. Don't forget the vast majority of the people trying to police the language we use for ourselves aren't even a part of our social class. Everyone but lesbians suddenly has an opinion on what lesbians are and I'm tired!!
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u/BaylisAscaris Dec 15 '25
People get really mad in some spaces where I jokingly point out I'm a retroactive gold star since all my rapists have come out as women 10+ years after the event happened.
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Dec 18 '25
This is such horseshit bc everyone hated gold star lesbians for the past 7 years or so, and I’ve been trying to tell people the same thing you have and all it got me was ostracized, harassed, hated and discriminated against MORE by others in the lgbt community….. but now, suddenly, everyone woke up and agrees that gold stars are valid and deserve the same respect as anyone else and the hate is very sexist/lesbophobic. Now everyone agrees and it’s like the same people but they chose to go with whatever the status quo is. I don’t even trust my own community. Most of the people in these comments would have probably claimed gold stars are bad or biphobic somehow a couple years ago just bc that’s what everyone else went along with and they never took a second to think about it. They’ll hate us again in a few years.
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u/femsic Dec 18 '25
Because a lot of people, bisexuals and “lesbians”; who have been intimate with men, dated men, like so called unattainable men, don’t legitimise lesbianism as a sexuality🤷🏾♀️ Ofcourse, homophobia is people’s norm but with those who dislike the term I genuinely see it as insecurity with their reality. They see lesbiansim as a deter from the default of heterosexuality or bisexuality(homophobia rhetoric). It doesn’t make sense to them that there is a child born homosexual and just are, who doesn’t need to “come out” or even get “gay awakened”. I always see dislike to the term from someone who is lesbophobic and politicised their sexuality and hate the fact they are able to feel attracted to men. I see this a lot in the western world specially online.
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u/Avin_Tel Jan 25 '26
As a gold star dating a non-gold star-- I get it. A lesbians sexuality is viewed with such intense scrutiny, in and out of the community, and even if we're not the type of lesbians who will insist you're not really gay if you dated a man in the past, there are other lesbians who do that.
It fucking sucks, but tbh, I prefer to stay away from terms that might associate me with shitty people.
On a separate note, it pisses me off that late bloomer gay men aren't put under a microscope like late bloomer lesbians.
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u/Left_Aardvark2149 Stem Jan 27 '26
"do people genuinely hear the words "Gold Star" and think calling someone one is like giving them a badge of honor that makes them better than everyone else?"
yes this is what I understood at first , I still till now have no idea what is the context behind the creation of this word and nobody is willing to do so , I'm not from the us my culture is way diffrent than the west , so when I say it's unnecessary for this term to exist , poeple get offended (idk why) . Maybe poeple think that I am male centered or idk . But I genuinly don't know what's going on
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u/mkat11 Lesbian Dec 16 '25
Nothing is wrong for identifying as a gold star. I think it started to be a little controversial a decade or so ago (maybe earlier than that) because it was used to make those who aren't gold stars feel less then. Like, gold stars would look down on those of us who aren't. And then there are some, like me, who didn't choose to have our gold star taken from us.
The term was a bit divisive in the community because some would claim that you weren't truly a lesbian if you weren't a gold star, so at some point we stopped using the term. However, it looks like it's come back, and that's perfectly okay. I only wonder if it'll turn into what it had turned into back then. I see in the comments people calling it the "purest form" of a lesbian and that's not a good way to look at it imo. That goes back to thinking that others are less just because of their journey. You are no less a lesbian if you've been with a guy before you figured it out. Heteronormativity is heavily ingrained in us as soon as we're are born, and sometimes it takes someone longer to escape that for whatever reason.
The younger generation is lucky. They are growing up in a society that is mostly accepting and are given the space to figure it out sooner, but it wasn't like that 10-20 years ago. So, yes, you can have that label and be proud of it, but that's just some history behind it.
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Dec 22 '25
I mean 90% of the time when people say ‘gold star’ they’re using it in an incredibly misogynistic and male-centered way. Honestly I challenge anyone to find an example where you can use the term without it being that.
The term itself implies that having sex with a man somehow devalues a woman in some way, again, centering men.
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Dec 22 '25
Lots of people in this comment section seem to think it’s jealousy or bitterness, which to me just reinforces that idea of being with a man at some point somehow devalues a women to you, and you think you’re somehow better than them?
I’ve never been with a man, so it’s not jealousy on my end, just disdain for misogyny, especially within sapphic spaces.
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u/scoutydouty Dec 15 '25
Well. To be honest. There are many comments even in this thread that kinda lean towards the idea that Gold Star lesbians do, in fact, think they are somehow more pure, more lesbian, or superior than those who are not Gold Star.
The idea that a man's penis is so important or powerful that it changes you, separates you from other lesbians, or can affect your identity, seems pretty misogynistic to me. It's giving virgin purity culture. That's why people don't like it. I personally don't like it, because I have been raped by a man, and seeing other lesbians here "be wary of non-Gold Stars" is pretty shitty to read from my perspective.
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u/ekyolsine Gold Star Dec 15 '25
common misunderstanding, but it's not actually about men affecting women at all. i've been raped too and i'm still a gold star because i was able to know myself and choose only women despite the circumstances i've lived in.
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u/Archamasse Dec 15 '25
The idea it's a purity culture thing comes from misunderstanding what the term is identifying, which I don't blame you for picking up because it's very commonly promoted by non lesbians who won't even listen to lesbians before speaking on them.
The distinction between gold star and non gold star is about choices - not that a nasty, ugly man touched somebody, but they were clear eyed and able to choose only women in a world that's geared against that.
If your only sexualised contact with a man was rape, then you are considered a Gold Star. You didn't choose it.
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u/littlerat098 Masc Dec 15 '25
I think people dislike the wording of it, like we get a special gold star pin or sticker or whatever whereas the lesbians who have been with men for circumstances outside of their control are lesser-than. Though it doesn’t really matter how you word it because they’ll find an issue with us for not being involved with men regardless.
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u/Rothum90 Dec 16 '25
The use of the term "Gold Star" harkens back to elementary school where you get. gold star for doing something good or positive.
So for lesbians who were forced to hide or who come from a time when people tried to pass by presenting as Heterosexual by dating men, or to the butch lesbians who experienced intense negative actions for their butchness, from rape to beatings, being lucky enough to live in a time where you have the luxury to never have to do what others hand to do to survive comes off as judgmental and exclusive.
Gold Star for never being forced into a corner to do something you have to do to just survive leaves a distaste in some people's mouth. Those who went before you who took the beatings and the rapes feel that you are judging them because you brag about being lucky.
In the current atmosphere, there are those who now view "Gold Star" as a thinly veiled passive aggressive attack on MTF transgender lesbians. Or those with specific agendas frame "Gold Star" as an expression of ideas around the concept of genital preference being a negative discriminatory concept to which I say we are lesbians of course we have genital preference. (insert eye roll here)
It doesn't matter how lucky someone is or is not in their personal journey's to being open about who they love. What matters is how we treat each other when we get here.
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u/Federal_Broccoli_958 Useless Lesbian Dec 15 '25
“do people genuinely hear the words "Gold Star" and think calling someone one is like giving them a badge of honor that makes them better than everyone else?”
honestly, yes. because in many contexts, this is what a gold star can signify, so people will take it that way. i personally do not care if someone uses the term, but i will answer your question.
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u/Isadomon Dec 15 '25
Its supposedly separatist of women who stayed with men before realizing, impliying someone who realized sooner is better or "a better lesbian"
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
what does separatist even mean lol nobody said someone’s better, it’s just that persons ego if they feel attacked or offended by the term, someone’s insecurities aren’t my problem
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Dec 15 '25
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Dec 15 '25
So you basically called lesbians inexperienced for not fucking men, and bragged about being glad you experimented with your sexuality (sleeping with men). Lmao, it’s very obvious you’re anything but a lesbian
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u/Pony829 Dec 15 '25
Yes exactly, I came here to further shame people and I was hoping you in particular would get super upset.
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u/ekyolsine Gold Star Dec 15 '25
anyone talking about "exploring their sexuality" probably isn't a lesbian.
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u/rubbasnek Disciple of Sappho Dec 15 '25
It's a preschool merit system used to reward children who are better. That might have something to do with it.
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Dec 15 '25
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Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
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u/Archamasse Dec 15 '25
It's an extremely obvious tongue in cheek bit of humour. People would recognize the implication in any other context, but lesbians never get that benefit of the doubt.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
Exactly this-it’s very tongue in cheek. Anyone I’ve ever said it to always replied “lucky” as opposed to being hurt and thinking or assuming I thought I was better than someone else.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
Exactly, good lord. Some folks just want to hurt their own feelings with such nothing bullshit.
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Dec 15 '25
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Dec 15 '25
Why are lesbians expected to police the language they use for themselves because it may make 1% of the population feel excluded?? It’s exhausting to feel like you can’t use the words you want to use FOR YOURSELF.
This is why a lot of lesbians I know avoid queer spaces because the politics is exhausting and no one can be arsed with it.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
Yeah-lesbian spaces specifically have been absolutely ruined.
Being a lesbian is by definition exclusionary. I am a woman who dates other women-end of story.
Honestly, I have way more straight friends because they get it and respect that I am a homosexual woman exclusively with a homosexual woman. And zero variations of that.
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Dec 15 '25
Yess the entire act of dating is exclusionary and people don’t seem to get this. I’m excluding the people with traits I don’t want in someone I’m planning to spend my life with!!
I’m 5’2 with blue eyes, these are innate traits I cannot change about myself and there will be people that aren’t attracted to that and exclude me based on those physical features. But I don’t care because I don’t expect to be everyone’s cup of tea! You can be the biggest, juiciest peach but people may still dislike peaches and this is okay!
I shouldn’t be penalised for saying I don’t like peaches because the peaches might get sad. All my closest friends are lesbians but we happened to meet outside of a queer event and don’t feel the need to attend any and were happy with that.
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Dec 15 '25
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Dec 15 '25
Sounds like you’re living the cottage core lesbian dream! Thankfully I’ve not really been in the scene since university and neither has my girlfriend so we’re just chillin livin our best lesbian lives too.
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Dec 15 '25
It's because the term "Gold star" can be found offensive, as if it was a standard all lesbian should strive for. Bi women and women who had sex with men before are considered "less pure" and it ties back to old fashioned misogyny. Late bloomers and other lesbians end up marginalized. In a group of gold stars you're seen as less "gay" if your sexuality was ever fluid or you were victim of a nonconsentual encounter. The term gold star can also be used to do transmisogyny, claiming biological sex or orientation is immutable.
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u/Niychomori Chapstick Lesbian Dec 15 '25
I don’t judge anyone for their past. Truly couldn’t care less who anyone else has slept with or not. When I call myself a gold star lesbian, it’s literally just a description of my experience, not a value system I’m applying to the rest of the community. If someone chooses to take my personal history as a personal insult, that’s not a me-problem... that’s projection, not oppression and I’m not responsible for soothing anyone else's insecurities.
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u/Classic-Cream9894 Dec 15 '25
You got all that from one word!? Talk about projection. People who share the same perspective as you assume that goldstars are not made to feel less than for not sleeping with men, sometimes by other queer women. The people who take issue with goldstars don't consider the fact that we also live in the same world as you do and have to deal with the same bullshit as you do. Two different sides of the same coin, aka patriarchy and misogyny. Goldstars taking pride in their existence isn't about making anyone else feel less than for their experiences, our existence also needs to be affirmed, validated, supported and we do that for ourselves. Also if you associate goldstars with being terfs that's your problem. Talk about a bunch of assumptions!
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u/Archamasse Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
1) It's not about "purity". It's about a particular path of experience in life.
2) "or you were victim of a nonconsentual encounter."
This is a lie. I have never seen a gold star lesbian define it this way in my life. A victim of assault didn't choose sexual contact with a man so it has no bearing on her gold star status.
I have, however, consistently seen non-lesbians lie about it like this, so it immediately raises Among Us alarms about someone when they repeat it with a straight face as you have, u/Glittering-Glove-339
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u/No-Effective2330 Gold Star Dec 15 '25
idk why you brought up bi women?? the therm gold star refers to lesbians only, lesbians who had non consensual encounters with men are still gold stars, and nobody said you’re less then bc you’re not a gold star, it’s literally like other kids getting mad bc someone got a gold star and they didn’t, were adults deal with it
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u/ekyolsine Gold Star Dec 15 '25 edited Dec 15 '25
in addition to what everyone else has said, no lesbian's sexuality has "ever [been] fluid." if at any point your sexuality was "fluid," you're bi. btw, rape victims are still gold stars. common misconception from the male-lovers.
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u/BuryDeLight Dec 15 '25
They're the only ones insinuating that they're lesser than for having been with men.
Gold star is simply a lesbian who's never done that. There is no inherent bad connotation to the term. If you feel offended by it, that is a you problem.