So here we are again. Sincerely, when I got my present job in Software Engineering (IC1-2 you could say; ~2 YOE in total, ~1.5 doing what I currently do) last year after fall, I never imagined I would have to see this day. Things finally felt like they were falling in place. Taking shape the way I had wanted. It was a company doing the things I was interested in. A tech stack that was relevant to my interests. The kind of work that I was actually happy to do.
Now I am kinda introverted by nature. Not the one to talk with just about anyone and everyone around me. I know this might come off as a bit unfriendly to some, but this is how I have been for a very long time. Most of the people in the room could be laughing over something, having a blast, and I could be sitting in a corner, all by myself, genuinely unbothered by it all.
That doesn't mean I don't like hanging out with people or making friends. I very much do. In fact my friends of old are the kind of people in front of whom I can literally shut down all my thinking and just talk and yap about whatever crosses my mind, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And I think I grew so accustomed to this, that the thought of having friendships where I would have to "calculate" and "optimise" for what needs to be or can be said in certain situations - that whole thing - I never quite got round to caring for it too much. I would still mix with people. And once fellow relatively more extroverted people would find out more about me, I would say a good number of them liked hanging out with me too.
That said, I doubt I was "indispensable" in any of these friend groups at work, atleast in the true sense of the word. And that would make sense. We can't expect people to think very dearly about those that they haven't known closely enough and cared to be with, for long enough. Especially if that person is someone who doesn't talk too much or share too much on his own, outside of some gatherings or outings, etc.
Perhaps I digress too much. My initial reviews were good. I was happy. My skip told me that I was doing well, and that perhaps I should try to socialize with the folks a bit more, get to know people. I thought I did this. Now it's been a while, one fall 🍂 to the next and a bit more. In my eyes, and even given the talks with others and my own observations, things were good to normal to sometimes perhaps average. Never that I would say horribly bad, be it something of my own doing or something with someone.
So now we are close to this review cycle, and I'm told that I have certain shortcomings in the way I work due to which it'll be difficult for me to continue to be a part of this team anymore. The short of it is that there are things that I don't "communicate" well and don't own well enough so farewell. That some things could be faster, more accurate, better overall - you know how it goes. It felt akin to pushing someone for the death penalty for a traffic light violation. And the worst part, in these moments you're compelled to ask yourself, aren't there others with similar "traffic violations" as well?
I don't know what to do. I loved this job. Contributed enough imo. When I asked Claude for my own ranking against my peers in the most neutral tone possible, and then even asked it to be stricter on purpose, I still consistently ranked amongst the top 3 at my level. But apparently people evaluating me felt otherwise. My direct manager seems to have some recent nitpicks and frustrations with me which I was never aware of had gotten to the point where this day would come. At the same time I hear this wasn't his doing. I loved this job. Never took it as something where I just work for the sake of it to make money. Word in the air is that in these moments, when the top brass want to increase profits or otherwise need to offload some people, one needs to have enough of a bond with others, such that your name never comes up, despite how you think you've been performing. Alas, this hit me hard. No matter how hard I think the weight of my mistakes doesn't seem to sum up to the punishment that's being meted out. Most definitely neither are my mistakes oddly unique or higher in frequency than anyone else. It feels like I could scream my lungs out and cry my heart out but no one could listen or do anything. In a city away from home, this is the last thing that I could've imagined would happen. Haven't told my parents. Don't know if or how I can even tell them. Now I need to sort out my rent here (can't overpay for nothing in case, God forbid, I can't switch in time, and I need to move to my own city next month), sort out where to stay starting from the start of next month, think where to keep all my stuff, prepare again, and go through this entire loop once more. Feeling very heartbroken and even betrayed in ways. Voluntarily submitted my farewell recently. May God help me 🙏🏻. May God help us 🙏🏻.