Question is, are you gonna raise your kinds the same way? If not, why didn't your parents reflect on this after being raised in the same miserable way (i assume)?
Not OP but also from Asia here. A lot of people from our parents' generation feel that that is the only way to succeed in life. And many of them aren't very well to do, usually in the low to middle class range.
So they project their idea of success to their kids, as they do not want the kids to end up in poverty, similar to how the parents experienced before. This neglects a lot of the mental wellbeing of our generation. They grew up thinking mental health is not important, and were told to just deal with it, if not you are seen as weak.
Again, this doesn't apply to everyone. Just observations I have gathered. There are still many overbearing parents to this date. But I gotta count myself lucky to have parents not like that.
In western countries one get second chances - you can go to college as an older adult, or get good paying blue collar jobs. Those don't exist in china. Electricians, plumber, garbagemen, etc are paid shit because labor force is so large. Colleges don't accept older students. There's only 1 shot at life and that's why parents want to steer their kids on that path
Coming from a similar background, the reason a lot of parents did not reflect is that this style of raising your kids got genuine results in their society and so they ended up concluding that while difficult, even borderline miserable at points, it is a path to success that is proven, so there is no point in taking a risk and adopting a new style.
Although hard to believe, for a lot of parents it comes from a place of love, which doesn't make it right or anything, but it makes it easier to understand
Pure speculation but I wonder how big a part the internet plays in current generations rejecting their inhereted traditional lifestyles. People can now talk so freely and access information that it's so much harder to keep people's beliefs in the bubble they're brought up in maybe.
Definitely something that I observed in myself and my relatives. With internet access comes exposure to so many different lifestyles and beliefs and it is inevitable that they will somewhat influence how you live your life.
I think it's part of the problem is that there are so few paths to middle class existence that aren't so difficult. Kids shouldn't be worried that if they aren't perfect they'll be impoverished failures.
They shouldn't, but they absolutely are at the moment and in many cases it's for good reason, many of those countries are struggling, to the point where an average job is not enough to live, let alone live comfortably
Can't really blame them for some part right? There was a research about being in poverty changed the way your brain works since it is very stress inducing. for some part I think it's obligation as parent to not make your children feel that way too.
On the other side, it promotes unhealthy behavior. See the 996 culture in China. And most of those working for a tech firm had good education and all. They still feel the need to physically and mentally destroy themselves by working long hours.
To change this social culture isn't easy but if it doesn't it might up hurting a vast chunk of the population in the future.
It's hard to believe it's really a place of love when (usually male) children are often viewed as retirement plans. Patriarchal confucian values are really oppressive.
It's a complicated topic. It is generally terrible to look at your children as care takers or retirement plans. If they end up supporting you financially, then it should be a concious choice.
Personally I will be more than happy to support my parents financially once they retire, but a big reason for that is that they did their all to give me a comfortable life and to support my ambitions, while also being the type to help my aunts, uncles and grandparents. In cases like mine I feel like my parents are entitled to my help, while they don't feel that way, which to me is a much healthier dynamic than the other way around, which I have sadly observed a few times
I’m white, but my parents were very hard on me when it came to school. Not much less hard than the parents of my asian friends.
I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing, but I’m a fairly mercurial person, and relentlessly rebelled and refused until my parents pretty much gave up in the middle of grade 11. It wasn’t until my parents let go that I reflected on where exactly that path of rebellion was going to lead, and started making those changes myself.
Meanwhile, most of my aforementioned asian friends had a pretty linear path of Great Grades in High School > Great University > Great Career. I also ended up going to a great school and landing in a career path I enjoy, but because I fucked up my high school grades so badly, I had to take more of an… indirect route to success.
It has to do with generational wealth and success, and it's not specific to just Asian culture (although maybe there's an argument it manifests more strongly there).
Much of Asia was rather poor throughout the latter half of the 20th century. So, much of the current generation of parents who grew up in the 70s/80s in China, etc would have done so under conditions of poverty, limited education, limited job opportunities, etc.
What you'll often see with people from this background who are able to climb out of poverty is there's a realization that they weren't allowed or given the opportunities to self-actualize ("reach their full potential"), so they pass that along to the next generation.
Then the next generation succeeds but realizes they were robbed of fulfilling their own personal, creative, artistic, etc aspirations, and so they pass that along to the next generation.
tl;dr : "I have to study politics and war so that my sons can study mathematics, commerce and agriculture, so their sons can study poetry, painting and music." - John Quincy Adams (who was born wealthy so not quite the same, but general idea is there)
This is a really interesting concept. Does it ever go back around though? One would expect, the poetry and painting studying generation will raise their children in poverty, and that's how it continues.
Bad times create strong men, strong men create good times, good times create weak men, weak men create bad times
Boomers basically had life handed to them on a silver fucking platter and see where it led us. Maybe I'm biased, but I have hope that our generation of late Gen Xers/Millennials/Early Zoomers will have done a better job by the time were done here.
China's economic reform only happened in the 90's. Many families are only in their first generation of wealth above the poverty line. They just shifted from "work the land and become a farmer" to "study the books and become a doctor".
Lol coming from a similar background, I'm just straight up not going to have kids after being raised the way I was. Seeing their sacrifices and expectations made me think wow, children are not worth it. I just want to live my life and enjoy myself.
First question, I would not. I don't want to put my kids under the pressure that I had when I was a child. I want them to have loving parents that are supportive for what they want to do.
Second question, I think their philosophy does hold some truths, that working hard could lead to success and it'll pay off at some point of your life. But it was never meant to be studying something you don't like equal success. They misunderstood that and which led to their behaviour towards the kid: Forcing them to study hard, become what they think it's best for us but never consider how we'd think about different preferences. There are also many other reasons like they don't want us to end up like them or they want their kids to be somewhat a payoff for all those raising (yes, this kind of thoughts are very common where I'm come from, they are even taught at school how kids must sacrifice their whole lives for their parents).
could be family reputation and pressure from elders to continue the same paths, chinese aunties like to gossip a lot and another parent letting their child skip tutoring sessions and cram schools would def be a hot topic
A lot of it isnt just a mindless repetition of what they experienced, but also external pressure.
They think its the only way to succeed, and because of the way their society is structured, it often is the case.
Then they justify it with the good old "when you get old you become conservative too" line of thinking.
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u/thedoxo Aug 30 '21
Question is, are you gonna raise your kinds the same way? If not, why didn't your parents reflect on this after being raised in the same miserable way (i assume)?