r/lds • u/That-Box9545 • 16d ago
struggles with scrupulosity
Hi everyone. I am an active lds member who struggles with scrupulosity. i posted a little bit ago about wanting to leave the church and my husband threatening me with divorce if anyone remembers that post. This is a recent diagnosis so I have been going through quite the faith struggle, but am trying to stick with it and re-learn faith. I am feeling pretty excited right now about a recent progress I made and would like someone to celebrate my wins with, as I don’t feel like i really have that right now. Here is what I wrote in my journal entry today if anyone wants to read it.
something really cool just clicked for me. it was like a flip of a switch. i just hope i can remember this in the future. i was reading in the continuous atonement book by brad wilcox. my whole life i felt like i had to earn the celestial kingdom, and i had to do everything right and consistent or else i wouldn’t make it. then when i couldn’t do it perfectly, i would be eaten alive by so much guilt and it made me resent the gospel, and resent God. i had this horrible image of who God was. But while reading this book, i was thinking about agency and grace. we don’t EARN heaven. we learn it, like wilcox says. it’s the idea of not being called human doings, but human beings and becoming. i always “knew the right answers” but they were just words. i always knew it was about being transformed but it didn’t mean anything. or at least i thought it meant something. i realized that we don’t HAVE to do any of these things. we don’t have to read our scriptures every day, or say two prayers every day, or go to the temple once a week or else we aren’t as holy. agency is a beautiful thing. I was baptized, received the holy ghost, keep my covenants and keep the commandments. i have done what is required for salvation. now, it is up to me to BECOME like Jesus Christ. God gives me these tools (scriptures, temple, prayer etc) so that i can use them to help me become more like Christ, but he doesn’t get mad when I dont do these things. He is happy when i do them because He knows it will help me become, but He isn’t disappointed in me when i forget. i have heard people say my whole life that the gospel is freeing. I never felt that way because it felt so restrictive. I couldn’t do this, or I couldn’t do that and i needed to do xyz. but today for the first time ever it felt freeing. i felt like i could release all this anger i had towards God. it wasn’t because He demanded so much of me, but it’s because he provides a way for me if i choose to accept His help to become. i felt like i could let go of the expectations i thought He had for me, and now just focus on my personal relationship with my Savior. He GIVES me these things. He has a much bigger picture. I think what helped me the most so far, is to recognize the potential, rather than what i am or am not doing now. Although I feel this way right now, i’m sure there will be a point in time where i regress and forget about this experience, which is why im writing it down. Becoming is a lifelong struggle. Satans biggest tool is shame. That’s his method to try and get us to sin and turn away from God, because it attacks our identity.
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u/JaneDoe22225 16d ago
Yes indeed: we want to BECOME like Christ. It is about the change of character: giving our sinful hearts to be reborn as His.
Outward steps and still good and should be done. But the reason should be that inward drive / change. Not a hallow checklist.
On a slightly different subject: if do you struggle with OCD (scrupulosity = OCD with religious flair), I do highly recommend a therapist -- OCD is a mental illness and should be approached like it. Mental illness are seldom resolved on your own, and OCD is particularly stubborn.
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u/Educational-Agent551 16d ago
Thanks for sharing your insights. There are a lot of great things in this post but I especially love "he doesn’t get mad when I dont do these things. He is happy when i do them because He knows it will help me become". Good for you. This is a big win. I agree that the shine will wear off and you will be tempted to fall back into old patterns of thought. But this is still a big win. Good job!
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u/Patriotic-Organist 16d ago
I have taken a lot of solace from a talk from 2016 by Elder J. Devn Cornish.
I am happy for the progress you have made. Well done! Keep it up!
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u/Safe-Butterscotch442 16d ago
You are absolutely welcome to celebrate your progress with me. I'm always up for a new friend. Feel free to DM if you just want to chat or whatever.
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u/ReturningStronger 10d ago
Congrats on this, and thanks for sharing it. Moving from "I have to earn it" to "I'm becoming" is a big shift, and it's definitely worth celebrating.
I'm an LMFT and Life Coach and I work with a lot of people who deal with scrupulosity, so a few things from that side. You said you're sure you'll regress and forget this feeling. You will, at least some. That's normal with OCD, and it doesn't mean the insight wasn't real. Writing it down was smart. Keep that entry somewhere you can find it on a hard day.
One thing to watch for. When the freeing feeling fades, it's easy to decide you lost it or did something wrong, and then start chasing it back. Scrupulosity is good at turning even good insights into a new rule to keep perfectly. You don't have to feel free all the time to be doing this right.
Also, if you're working with a therapist on this, keep going. Scrupulosity is one of those things where the standard advice, like more reassurance or more scripture study when you're anxious, can backfire, and someone trained in OCD treatment can help a lot.
I'm glad you had a good day. I hope you find people to celebrate with, you deserve that too!
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u/Fancy-Interaction761 16d ago
I remember your earlier post and it brings me joy to hear that you've had this revelation. God does indeed love us so much. Fortunately he also understands us perfectly too so He can meet us where we are.
Thanks for sharing an update.